Trying to find that balance

[meeji]

I've been in an LDR "officially" for a little over a month. Prior to that, I talked to the guy for about 4 months. Things have been great between us. As we all know, communication can make or break a relationship. Up until now, our communications has been awesome. We talked every single day on skype and sent emails and texts. He travels often but no matter where he goes, he still makes time to contact me. I've been reading posts here about how bfs aren't making time for the LD gfs and have been happy that I haven't had to deal with feeling that way.

 

Right now, he has some changes happening in his life and these changes have affected our communication. He still contacts me like he was before but his attention is split in many directions. We had a talk about it the other day and I told him how I felt. The next day, he was so exhausted that he almost fell asleep on me over skype. I just told him to go to bed. The following day, I sent him an email and told him that I felt like he needed sme time to get himself together. With so many things going already, I felt like if I just back off and let him focus on the immediate things for a little while, once he gets settled into everything he could regain focus on our relationship. The conditions were that I was cutting our skype chats and texts but we could email. We usually skype for 3-4 hours a day and I just thought that emails are pretty quick, which would leave him plenty of time during the day to handle his business.

 

I do want to also mention that he has apologized to me for "half-assing," it. He has both acknowledged my feelings and agreed that he hasn't been himself lately. He also says that his feelings for me have only changed for the better and he realizes that if he doesn't remedy the situation that our relationship could be in danger. I believe him. I don 't think there is anything "wrong," I just think at the moment he is overwhelmed.

 

I guess the question here is how much space is too much? Do you guys things that I did the right thing in this situation or should I have done something else.

[bluegreen]

You did nice and kind thing to and you can offer but just be sure to stick to your words cause your definition of space and his might be very different thing you know what I mean ?

[meeji]

yeah.

 

well, he was chatting with me non-stop while he was at work all last month to the point where his numbers were low. I told him that we couldn't communicate with each other anymore during work hours, unless its on a break. So that the was the first thing and so far, it has been working. I understand that he wants to talk to me and of course I want to talk to him...but the last thing he needs is to lose his job. When I said a while, I did not specify. He has moved into a new house but he is still in transition. Tuesday will be the last truckload over there. I wanted to give him enough time to unpack and feel at home there before we start skyping again. As far as the job, that part seems to be settling down now that we aren't communicating when he's working. Thanks for your reply.

[rogerabbit]

yeah.

 

well, he was chatting with me non-stop while he was at work all last month to the point where his numbers were low. I told him that we couldn't communicate with each other anymore during work hours, unless its on a break. So that the was the first thing and so far, it has been working. I understand that he wants to talk to me and of course I want to talk to him...but the last thing he needs is to lose his job. When I said a while, I did not specify. He has moved into a new house but he is still in transition. Tuesday will be the last truckload over there. I wanted to give him enough time to unpack and feel at home there before we start skyping again. As far as the job, that part seems to be settling down now that we aren't communicating when he's working. Thanks for your reply.

 

My girlfriend and I chat about 5 hours per day on Skype, but on the days where I'm really tired I just fall asleep in front of the laptop on my bed and she presides over me like a virtual angel while I drool into my pillow.

 

Sounds to me honestly like everything for you is on track and you shouldn't be so worried. Change is inevitable, even on a daily or weekly basis, so just adjust to the circumstances. Some days he's going to be really tired, other days he'll get a full night of rest and come back super-charged!

 

Also, guys brains are great at focusing on one thing at a time. So if there's a tough problem he's dealing with, he may not be all there on Skype. My girlfriend has seen me run around my apartment looking for something while on Skype and my attention was only 10% with her, but she is pretty patient. Eventually I (didn't) find it and settled back into chatting with her for another hour. Some days work stress takes over everything. On those days she makes me laugh and calms me down. Some days I just need to sleep and text her that I can't call her anymore that evening. She just adjusts to the day and we're both alright.

 

Hope that helps!

[c0nfused88]

Am I the only one that thinks talking 3-4 hours a day on skype is a bit ridiculous? I realize you're apart so like to stay in touch but that's a huge part of your day! Why don't you cut back to something more reasonable like talking for up to an hour a day. Maybe you could even schedule a once a week "movie" watch together on skype. That would give it a date vibe and also not put pressure on forcing long conversations.

 

Seriously 3-4 hours or 5 as someone else mentioned seems smothering.

 

If you talk 4 hours a day 7 days a week-- 28 hours! Seriously- that's more than an extra part time job.

 

Whatever your bf is of doing/work/school etc-- you're making his time with you another job on top of that.

 

I also think it's ridiculous for him to be tired one night (after how long of talking? 2 hours?) and then he needs sleep so you're kind to tell him to. You then type out an e-mail telling him you want to back off from him. That is such an attacking e-mail.

 

When will it no longer be a long distance relationship?

[rogerabbit]

Am I the only one that thinks talking 3-4 hours a day on skype is a bit ridiculous? I realize you're apart so like to stay in touch but that's a huge part of your day! Why don't you cut back to something more reasonable like talking for up to an hour a day. Maybe you could even schedule a once a week "movie" watch together on skype. That would give it a date vibe and also not put pressure on forcing long conversations.

 

Who says we're talking...

 

 

It's pretty easy with a laptop or mobile phone. I'll pop it in the kitchen and run around cooking or doing dishes, fold laundry, normal stuff I have to do anyway. If I want to watch TV then I tell her that and we hang up.

 

Nothing like popping the camera into the bathroom while we both take a shower. You do everything you can to keep it interesting using the tools you have. And thankfully these days, LDRs are a lot easier than they were in the past when long distance bills would rack up to thousands of dollars.

[meeji]

Am I the only one that thinks talking 3-4 hours a day on skype is a bit ridiculous? I realize you're apart so like to stay in touch but that's a huge part of your day! Why don't you cut back to something more reasonable like talking for up to an hour a day. Maybe you could even schedule a once a week "movie" watch together on skype. That would give it a date vibe and also not put pressure on forcing long conversations.

 

Seriously 3-4 hours or 5 as someone else mentioned seems smothering.

 

If you talk 4 hours a day 7 days a week-- 28 hours! Seriously- that's more than an extra part time job.

 

Whatever your bf is of doing/work/school etc-- you're making his time with you another job on top of that.

 

I also think it's ridiculous for him to be tired one night (after how long of talking? 2 hours?) and then he needs sleep so you're kind to tell him to. You then type out an e-mail telling him you want to back off from him. That is such an attacking e-mail.

 

When will it no longer be a long distance relationship?

I'm not sure when our relationship will no longer be LD. We have talked about it several times and I said 3 years is the longest I will go. He says no sooner than one year but no later than 3. In the email, i specified why I was backing off. He enjoys talking to me just as much as i enjoy talking to him. All of the things you said are true... but it only becomes a chore if its not what both people want...and in this case.. If I didn't scale it back, I know that he wouldn't either.

 

I have been away for a bit. We have talked about it and things have been worked out. He wasn't very happy with the decreased in communication so we are back to the usual. If I notice he is tired I just tell him that he looks tired and he should sleep and he does. No big deal.