ThatJustHappened Posted September 3, 2012 Share Posted September 3, 2012 As of right now I haven't done anything with him. I haven't slept with him yet I came here to get advice and I posted in the "other woman/man" section because I thought I would get advice from people in the same position NOT people who would judge me and tell me I need to go find disgusting people on CL. People cheat all the time, and like I said even if I choose not to act on this he will just find another woman who will. So? What business is that of yours? You obviously have a conscience about this because you came here..you can stop this before it starts. There are a few unrepentant OW's on here but for the most part, it ends in heartache and a big mess. I myself am not an OW, but I was a BS. Get yourself out of this before it goes any further. You don't have to go down this road. As I said..just because you got hurt, that's no reason to hurt someone else. It's not going to make you feel any better. Leave this man and his family alone, and perhaps consider getting some therapy to help you get through your break up. That's not meant as an insult..I'm in therapy too..it helps. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author ImperfectionisBeauty Posted September 3, 2012 Author Share Posted September 3, 2012 So? What business is that of yours? You obviously have a conscience about this because you came here..you can stop this before it starts. There are a few unrepentant OW's on here but for the most part, it ends in heartache and a big mess. I myself am not an OW, but I was a BS. Get yourself out of this before it goes any further. You don't have to go down this road. As I said..just because you got hurt, that's no reason to hurt someone else. It's not going to make you feel any better. Leave this man and his family alone, and perhaps consider getting some therapy to help you get through your break up. That's not meant as an insult..I'm in therapy too..it helps. I just started therapy but I haven't talked about this, I'm embarrassed Link to post Share on other sites
CarrieT Posted September 3, 2012 Share Posted September 3, 2012 As of right now I haven't done anything with him. Then I apologize for thinking you had already done it. AI haven't slept with him yet I came here to get advice and I posted in the "other woman/man" section because I thought I would get advice from people in the same position NOT people who would judge me and tell me I need to go find disgusting people on CL. But we ARE going to judge you for even thinking about it because it is wrong. People cheat all the time, and like I said even if I choose not to act on this he will just find another woman who will. Does that make it right? People cheat all the time, and like I said even if I choose not to act on this he will just find another woman who will. Why let it be you? Why be drawn into his drama, hurt his fiance and child, and hurt yourself? Do you think so lowly of yourself that you need this? Link to post Share on other sites
Leelou Posted September 3, 2012 Share Posted September 3, 2012 I just started therapy but I haven't talked about this, I'm embarrassed Don't be concerned with 'how you look' to the counselor, rather bare your innermost thoughts, your temptations, and your struggles... how else will your counselor be able to help you if you don't? If you present yourself as perfect? Don't be embarrassed. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
ThatJustHappened Posted September 3, 2012 Share Posted September 3, 2012 Lol..the whole point of therapy is to talk about everything..the good, the bad, and the ugly. Your therapist is not there to judge you, s/he is there to help you. Tell him/her about it ASAP. Don't do it..seriously. I absolutely know what you're going through..you're looking for anything to dull the pain of the break up and you're looking for a safe way to connect with a man. This is NOT it. You can walk away from this with no harm done on your part. Whatever choices he makes outside of you are his business, but you don't have to be a part of it. You're going to feel SO much worse if you sleep with this man. You're already feeling a bit bad about it..imagine how much worse it would feel if you went through with it. Link to post Share on other sites
ThatJustHappened Posted September 3, 2012 Share Posted September 3, 2012 Then I apologize for thinking you had already done it. But we ARE going to judge you for even thinking about it because it is wrong. Does that make it right? Why let it be you? Why be drawn into his drama, hurt his fiance and child, and hurt yourself? Do you think so lowly of yourself that you need this? I have to respectfully disagree with the bolded statement. I don't think it's fair to judge her for thinking about it. People think about bizarre things all the time..right now I'm kind of wishing I could pour boiling hot liquid down my neighbor's throat, as she is singing (well..more like screeching) at the top of her lungs, and her bedroom shares a wall with mine. I'm obviously not going to act on it, but am I really a bad person for just thinking it? As of now, she has controlled her impulses, and she's even come here to seek help so she doesn't do anything wrong. She has a conscience..that's a good thing. It's much more difficult to have those thoughts and not act on them than it is to not have them at all. We can't force ideas not to pop into our heads. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Leelou Posted September 3, 2012 Share Posted September 3, 2012 (edited) I just wanted to add that you may be thinking about doing this, but don't forget to look a little ahead, down the road where you are traveling -- IF and WHEN the word gets out that you are sleeping with an engaged/married man, then PEOPLE WILL JUDGE YOU! In real life. Negatively. Don't think what you do with him will forever be in the dark. These things have a habit of getting out. Just one word from him, bragging about his sexual conquest to his best buddy, when he's drunk, and then a third person is in on the secret... and from then on, more and more people get to find out. It's not hard to imagine your secret wrongdoings getting out and your being judged harshly for sleeping with an engaged man. How would you feel? If you don't care a crap, fine. But if you DO... why are you taking that gamble? Edited September 3, 2012 by Leelou 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author ImperfectionisBeauty Posted September 3, 2012 Author Share Posted September 3, 2012 I just wanted to add that you may be thinking about doing this, but don't forget to look a little ahead, down the road where you are traveling -- IF and WHEN the word gets out that you are sleeping with an engaged/married man, then PEOPLE WILL JUDGE YOU! In real life. Negatively. Don't think what you do with him will forever be in the dark. These things have a habit of getting out. Just one word from him, bragging about his sexual conquest to his best buddy, when he's drunk, and then a third person is in on the secret... and from then on, more and more people get to find out. It's not hard to imagine your secret wrongdoings getting out and your being judged harshly for sleeping with an engaged man. How would you feel? If you don't care a crap, fine. But if you DO... why are you taking that gamble? It would make me feel way worse 1 Link to post Share on other sites
ThatJustHappened Posted September 3, 2012 Share Posted September 3, 2012 It would make me feel way worse Then you have your answer. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Leelou Posted September 3, 2012 Share Posted September 3, 2012 Thing is, you have to takes steps now to protect yourself... you KNOW you are vulnerable to his advances (you need sex and human touch, and he is willing to give you what you want right now, seemingly with no strings attached, and 'for free'), so if you continue to keep in contact with him, he may well win you over with his charm and advances... you absolutely have to pull back from him now, for your own sake! To protect yourself. If you continue to 'give him audience' to his advances, he will continue to take the challenge to get into your pants, and will try everywhichway to see WHICH 'Open Sesame' phrase/promise/enticement will work on you. Therefore, protect yourself from future problems, and withdraw fully, now, before you give him a chance to change your mind. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Athena Posted September 3, 2012 Share Posted September 3, 2012 Think of your reputation. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ImperfectionisBeauty Posted September 4, 2012 Author Share Posted September 4, 2012 I'm sorry you feel judged. I hope I didn't make you feel that way. I just think you aren't going to find happiness on this particular path, and wanted you to make sure that you think about it first. He probably will.. but whether her will or not is really irrelevant. Good! Figure out your head before you open that door. Therapy is for the stuff you don't want to talk to other people about. If you can't and/or won't talk about this kind of stuff because you aren't comfortable, you aren't with the right therapist. Find a new one. I have been to 3 therapists in like 2 years, I feel like maybe I just am not ready to talk. Thank you though, I really appreciate all the advice I have gotten Link to post Share on other sites
Wanderer25 Posted September 4, 2012 Share Posted September 4, 2012 The Golden Rule or ethic of reciprocity is a maxim, ethical code, or morality that essentially states either of the following: (Positive form of Golden Rule): One should treat others as one would like others to treat oneself. (Negative form of Golden Rule): One should not treat others in ways that one would not like to be treated. Your actions are hurting his wife or will hurt her. Why do you want to hurt someone who did you no harm ? Link to post Share on other sites
hermione08 Posted September 4, 2012 Share Posted September 4, 2012 @Wanderer maybe going slightly off topic here, but your post has made me think. What about my situation then? MY exMM is married to the woman who was trying to date him while he was with me. Taking advantage of the fact that we lived 50 km from one another, she did everything to come between us. Should I therefore be entitled to take her husband away from her, because she did the same to me? Was karma enabling me to exact my revenge on this woman? I never thought of it this way. Maybe that's what happened. Luckily now it's over. Link to post Share on other sites
ThatJustHappened Posted September 4, 2012 Share Posted September 4, 2012 The Golden Rule or ethic of reciprocity is a maxim, ethical code, or morality that essentially states either of the following: (Positive form of Golden Rule): One should treat others as one would like others to treat oneself. (Negative form of Golden Rule): One should not treat others in ways that one would not like to be treated. Your actions are hurting his wife or will hurt her. Why do you want to hurt someone who did you no harm ? You kind of contradict yourself here. First you say treat others as you want them to treat you..but then you ask why you would hurt someone who hasn't hurt you. If you're following your golden rule..wouldn't you just avoid hurting anyone at all, even if they have hurt you? After all, isn't there another golden rule that says two wrongs don't make a right? Link to post Share on other sites
veryhappy Posted September 4, 2012 Share Posted September 4, 2012 There are plenty of women coming here before the start of an affair, trying to convince us they don't want an affair, when in fact they do. You are not doing that. You are in fact wanting us to convince you to stop, because you have trouble staying away on your own. You did the right thing posting here. He might be hot, and you'd like to have sex with him, but you don't want the mess it would create. It is a bad idea, and you are right to want to stay away. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author ImperfectionisBeauty Posted September 4, 2012 Author Share Posted September 4, 2012 I feel a little sad actually. I feel like he doesn't even want me anymore, he doesn't text me he doesn't make plans or talk to me sexily or even tell me I'm beautiful like he did. I know I should feel happy because that way it is easier for me to let go but it's not at all I just feel rejected.. again. Even though I am not going to do anything with him, there was something attractive about the sneakiness of it all and the idea that he specifically picked me you know? Link to post Share on other sites
snowflakes88 Posted September 5, 2012 Share Posted September 5, 2012 I feel a little sad actually. I feel like he doesn't even want me anymore, he doesn't text me he doesn't make plans or talk to me sexily or even tell me I'm beautiful like he did. I know I should feel happy because that way it is easier for me to let go but it's not at all I just feel rejected.. again. Even though I am not going to do anything with him, there was something attractive about the sneakiness of it all and the idea that he specifically picked me you know? Imagine how much more rejected you'll feel once you're intimate with him and he fades. Link to post Share on other sites
Miss Olivia Posted September 5, 2012 Share Posted September 5, 2012 So basically I don't necessarily like this guy, I went to HS with him and he is super hot. We have been texting a little and we both want sex a lot. I just got kind of dumped by my now ex and honestly everyday I feel like I am over it but it still hurts me so much, I just want to feel numb and have sex with someone and it's devastating like I need something or someone. I went from having sex like all the time to never now. Basically he said that it's OK what we are doing because his fiancee cheated on him but I feel bad about doing it but on the other hand I have needs, I can at least do it until either he decides to work on his relationship or I find a guy who actually wants to date and it'll just be me and him. I feel like maybe since she cheated its kind of justified you know? But they have a son together and I would hate to break up a family, and I don't want bad karma, I am already having such a hard time getting into a relationship. I want to meet someone single but in the end I don't want to potentially have sex with a guy and then get attached, but with him I know I won't get attached because he is already attached. I need to figure out what I am going to do though soon because I feel like he is losing interest in me, he doesn't text much anymore or call and so I need to figure out if he is worth trying to do this with. I want to but I don't, if I don't he will just find someone else. But part of me feels terrible even considering this but I mean guys have played me out before so why should I care I mean I have control of this situation you know? But they have a kid together I don't want to ruin a family. But the thing is I doubt she will leave him if she even found out. I didn't read this whole thread but the best thing you could do is tell his fiance what's going on. Give her a chance to get out before they tie the knot. It is much easier to break up before marriage than after. Whether she cheated on him or not, two wrongs don't make a right. She needs to know what he's doing. Link to post Share on other sites
Miss Olivia Posted September 5, 2012 Share Posted September 5, 2012 I feel a little sad actually. I feel like he doesn't even want me anymore, he doesn't text me he doesn't make plans or talk to me sexily or even tell me I'm beautiful like he did. I know I should feel happy because that way it is easier for me to let go but it's not at all I just feel rejected.. again. Even though I am not going to do anything with him, there was something attractive about the sneakiness of it all and the idea that he specifically picked me you know? You kind of set yourself up for rejection when you hook up with a guy who's engaged to someone he's already rejected. We reach a all time low when we give a damn about being rejected someone else's man. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ImperfectionisBeauty Posted September 5, 2012 Author Share Posted September 5, 2012 You kind of set yourself up for rejection when you hook up with a guy who's engaged to someone he's already rejected. We reach a all time low when we give a damn about being rejected someone else's man. That's true. I just hate feeling rejected you know? Link to post Share on other sites
ThatJustHappened Posted September 5, 2012 Share Posted September 5, 2012 That's true. I just hate feeling rejected you know? You and everyone else in the universe! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author ImperfectionisBeauty Posted September 6, 2012 Author Share Posted September 6, 2012 Of course you feel "kind of justified." That's why he lied and had to tell you she cheated. How else is an engaged man going to get a woman to cheat with him and not feel bad. Exactly, and then I asked him if she really cheated and he said yes and I was like how do you know, and he said he went through her phone but I mean if he went through her phone she probably goes through his and if she does it would be no good for either of us. I just feel like it is way too risky. Link to post Share on other sites
ThatJustHappened Posted September 6, 2012 Share Posted September 6, 2012 He chose to stay with her in spite of the fact that she cheated..he has no right to punish her for it now. Without even factoring them in, how would you feel about yourself if you slept with an engaged man? Link to post Share on other sites
Author ImperfectionisBeauty Posted September 6, 2012 Author Share Posted September 6, 2012 You place your happiness on the hands of others. That is why you are prone to be an OW. But I don't want to be an OW, I want to be a wife and mother. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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