Sleeping with an engaged man..

[ThatJustHappened]

I wonder how many people feel this way. We see all the time BS's that post over here on the OW board about how "they will never forgive and they are going to make them pay every day for the rest of their life"

 

I think it's the saddest thing ever.

 

It is sad. That's not to say that I agree with cheating. I most definitely do not. I just think that if a couple agrees to work on their relationship and try to move forward, they should do it. Assuming of course that the cheating has stopped and that it will never happen again, and that both parties are willing to put the work into it.

 

It's not healthy to fixate on someone else like that..the betrayed person should move on with their own lives and not worry so much about other people, regardless of what those other people have done to them and their families.

 

I say forgive, but don't forget.

[ThatJustHappened]

I agree. I went back and forth on what to say to that, because what I really WANTED to say was if you feel that way, why DON'T you just move on.. but then that will be used as if it was an attack and I didn't mean it that way. I just mean... if your life will be consumed by it (and some are, we've all seen it) isn't it a better choice for YOU, not even bringing anyone else's well being into consideration.

 

If the couple breaks up I have to give a bit more leeway to the BS in those cases because her whole life was ruined.

 

I also think that if the OW/M is repentant (and I am not using that word in a religious sense, so I hope nobody takes it that way), they should also be allowed to move on with their lives, assuming they leave the family they harmed alone. If the OW/M goes bunny boiler then all bets are off.

Edited September 6, 2012 by ThatJustHappened

[ThatJustHappened]

No I actually mostly agree with you, but I think I wasn't necessarily clear with what I meant either. What I meant was.. let's not even worry about the WS or the OPs feelings, let's look at the BS. Wouldn't it be healthier for them to not spend their life being constantly reminded of such pain and let it consume their life, I think that's really sad.

 

And I agree, once someone goes all bunny boiler all bets should be off.

And that includes anyone from any of the sides...

 

Haha, yeah I realized that after I posted this. I changed it.

 

Agreed about the bunny boiler thing..nobody should do that. Poor lil bunnies!

 

My ex's OW was a bunny boiler..she ended up losing her company and her friends, and going to jail for a few months for stalking, hacking, and intent to do physical harm. She deserved it, but I don't hate her..I just feel sorry for her. My ex really did screw with her head..they'd known each other for a long time before he met me, and he strung her along for about 15 years (they're both a lot older than me), making her believe they would eventually be together. I wish she'd had the strength to walk away before the situation got to where it did. It took me 5 years but I eventually realized what he was doing and walked away.

 

Weirdly, 3 years later, he's back and trying to convince me to get back together. HA!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

[ImperfectionisBeauty]

Haha, yeah I realized that after I posted this. I changed it.

 

Agreed about the bunny boiler thing..nobody should do that. Poor lil bunnies!

 

My ex's OW was a bunny boiler..she ended up losing her company and her friends, and going to jail for a few months for stalking, hacking, and intent to do physical harm. She deserved it, but I don't hate her..I just feel sorry for her. My ex really did screw with her head..they'd known each other for a long time before he met me, and he strung her along for about 15 years (they're both a lot older than me), making her believe they would eventually be together. I wish she'd had the strength to walk away before the situation got to where it did. It took me 5 years but I eventually realized what he was doing and walked away.

 

Weirdly, 3 years later, he's back and trying to convince me to get back together. HA!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

 

So you would never consider going back?

 

I always felt like "omg the type of woman who would stay with a cheater is totally weak" then I got into the relationship I was in and my feelings for him were so intense, I have no idea if he cheated or not but if he did I would still be with him.. idc I really liked him lol

[ThatJustHappened]

So you would never consider going back?

 

I always felt like "omg the type of woman who would stay with a cheater is totally weak" then I got into the relationship I was in and my feelings for him were so intense, I have no idea if he cheated or not but if he did I would still be with him.. idc I really liked him lol

 

No, I would never go back. What he did to me and the other woman was awful..he strung us both along (and he was sleeping with other women aside from the two of us as well) and treated us both terribly. He's just not a good person in general.

 

If it was a regular cheater, I would have to go on a case by case basis. I wish I had the strength to say I'd just walk away too, but you just never know.

[ImperfectionisBeauty]

So I need help with how to tell my therapist about all of this stuff. I know I need to tell her but I don't know how to say it to not make me look like a monster. I am just having a really hard time right now in general. I got into fight last night with this guy who has been trying to talk to me for years he pretty much told me I was too clingy and sleep around too much.. He's right but I need to be in a relationship I literally am dying because idk what to do with myself I know I don't need to be dating but I really want to be in a relationship or at least have someone to sleep with me

[CarrieT]

So I need help with how to tell my therapist about all of this stuff. I know I need to tell her but I don't know how to say it to not make me look like a monster.

Print out this thread and give it to your therapist. It fully explains your views and thoughts. Why are you concerned about looking like a monster to your therapist? A good therapist is not remotely judgmental when it comes to issues like this.

 

I got into fight last night with this guy who has been trying to talk to me for years he pretty much told me I was too clingy and sleep around too much.. He's right but I need to be in a relationship I literally am dying because idk what to do with myself I know I don't need to be dating but I really want to be in a relationship or at least have someone to sleep with me

I would counter that the last thing you need right now is to be in a relationship. You need to learn to be comfortable in your own skin - ALONE.

 

The guy pegged it if you are sleeping around too much just for companionship and this is something the therapist can help with as well.

 

Seriously - sleeping with someone will cause you more long term damage (speaking from someone who took that route and had to go through years of therapy and bad relationships because of it).

[ThatJustHappened]

So I need help with how to tell my therapist about all of this stuff. I know I need to tell her but I don't know how to say it to not make me look like a monster. I am just having a really hard time right now in general. I got into fight last night with this guy who has been trying to talk to me for years he pretty much told me I was too clingy and sleep around too much.. He's right but I need to be in a relationship I literally am dying because idk what to do with myself I know I don't need to be dating but I really want to be in a relationship or at least have someone to sleep with me

 

Please stop worrying about how you look to your therapist. It's not his or her job to judge you and s/he won't. You need to tell your therapist EVERYTHING you are thinking and feeling. Just be completely honest.

[Sauron]

Who is to judge what 2 consenting adults do and want? These ladies that sit behind there computers telling you how to live your life. If you want the guy so what, it's on him not you. Always the judgements, no human can judge another, and what's the point. There are positve benefits to an active sex life, I can attest to that fact and it is more than just physical. Good luckto you I hope you get what you need and find what you want. In the end it really is your decsion, not the moral majority that lives here. If your a fit young attractive woman you will be in high demand for lover, GF, wife and mother.

[ThatJustHappened]

Who is to judge what 2 consenting adults do and want? These ladies that sit behind there computers telling you how to live your life. If you want the guy so what, it's on him not you. Always the judgements, no human can judge another, and what's the point. There are positve benefits to an active sex life, I can attest to that fact and it is more than just physical. Good luckto you I hope you get what you need and find what you want. In the end it really is your decsion, not the moral majority that lives here. If your a fit young attractive woman you will be in high demand for lover, GF, wife and mother.

 

Did the doctors have any trouble removing your conscience or was it an easy surgery?

 

People can, should, and do judge other people. There's this place..it's called a courtroom..it's how we keep our society from becoming a big chaotic mess full of rapists, druggies, and murderers. The people who preside over the courtrooms are called..wait for it...JUDGES!! It's their job to judge people.

 

The people who post on here are ASKING for advice..and with advice comes judgement. That's how it works. You may not give a **** about anyone but yourself, but most people aren't like you..or if they are, they have the good sense to hide it.

[Sauron]

Some can give advice without being judgemental, except many of the posters on this thread. You have an opinon and so do I, doesn't mean yours is more right than mine. You act like there is only one way to live ones life and it is so black and white based on what you think it ought to be, who are you to judge? And your like the 10th poster that mentions actual crimes that are illegal as a justification which makes no sense. Having a realtionship regardless of your marital status in NOT illegal, but I am sure some people here would be glad to make it so. You and others make assumptions about other peoples morals and characters because we are involved in human realtionships to meet our human needs, desires and wants. OP think for yourself and don't let these women decide for you, because there is no right or wrong there is just life coming everyday.

[ThatJustHappened]

Some can give advice without being judgemental, except many of the posters on this thread. You have an opinon and so do I, doesn't mean yours is more right than mine. You act like there is only one way to live ones life and it is so black and white based on what you think it ought to be, who are you to judge? And your like the 10th poster that mentions actual crimes that are illegal as a justification which makes no sense. Having a realtionship regardless of your marital status in NOT illegal, but I am sure some people here would be glad to make it so. You and others make assumptions about other peoples morals and characters because we are involved in human realtionships to meet our human needs, desires and wants. OP think for yourself and don't let these women decide for you, because there is no right or wrong there is just life coming everyday.

 

You did not specify anything about your opinions on judgement in your previous post. You said human beings shouldn't judge other human beings. I was simply pointing out that human beings DO need to be judged at times. I didn't say that had anything to do with affairs. In some countries, adultery actually IS illegal..and in the US, it certainly has legal consequences if the cheater is caught. A judge is much more likely to punish the cheating party in a divorce. While you are entitled to your opinions, society does not agree with them.

 

When a person enters into a relationship, there is an agreement to remain faithful to the other person (unless otherwise specified). In my opinion (and this seems to be the general consensus, if a person wants to have something that is classified as a relationship (physical or emotional) with someone else, they should end the current relationship. That is the honorable thing to do. Another poster pointed out that it's not so much about the sex..it's more about the lying, the deception, and the sneaking around.

[Sauron]

You did not specify anything about your opinions on judgement in your previous post. You said human beings shouldn't judge other human beings. I was simply pointing out that human beings DO need to be judged at times. I didn't say that had anything to do with affairs. In some countries, adultery actually IS illegal..and in the US, it certainly has legal consequences if the cheater is caught. A judge is much more likely to punish the cheating party in a divorce. While you are entitled to your opinions, society does not agree with them.

 

When a person enters into a relationship, there is an agreement to remain faithful to the other person (unless otherwise specified). In my opinion (and this seems to be the general consensus, if a person wants to have something that is classified as a relationship (physical or emotional) with someone else, they should end the current relationship. That is the honorable thing to do. Another poster pointed out that it's not so much about the sex..it's more about the lying, the deception, and the sneaking around.

 

So are you the judge for all of us humans? Yes in Iran and the middle east in general women will be stoned to death, beheaded or shot in the back of the head for having an affair. Are you supporting that? Not sure where you come off saying a judge will inflict more punitive damages for infidelity, so are you lawyer as well as judge?

 

Not everyone want's there business broadcast out on public. Also, therapy is over rated and especially the internet therapy one gets here. OP think for yourself. Have a nice day ladies.

[ThatJustHappened]

So are you the judge for all of us humans? Yes in Iran and the middle east in general women will be stoned to death, beheaded or shot in the back of the head for having an affair. Are you supporting that? Not sure where you come off saying a judge will inflict more punitive damages for infidelity, so are you lawyer as well as judge?

 

Not everyone want's there business broadcast out on public. Also, therapy is over rated and especially the internet therapy one gets here. OP think for yourself. Have a nice day ladies.

 

Where did I say anything about myself being a judge for all of humanity? Where did I say I agreed with people being put to death for cheating? I was just pointing out facts that you overlooked. Wow..touchy!

 

If someone posts here..they are willingly putting their business on a public forum. You completely missed the point of a message board like this. The OP wouldn't have posted here if she didn't want advice.

 

What are you doing here if you think it's so stupid?

[Sauron]

You are straying off topic. You said people need to be judged, and apparently your doing the judging. You mentioned that infidelity is illegal in some places and I gave you some examples of the countries where it is. The OP can seek all the advice she wants, but some are judging her motives. She is using sex to feel better, great it has always worked for me, regardless of my partners status. I am making NO judgements about her. And I never said this was stupid, I am here seeking intelligent knowledge on the role of OW. Not going to find it on this thread however.

[ImperfectionisBeauty]

Well thanks to all of you but I don't know what I'm going to do I thought at first I wouldn't but then I realized I want sex badly and he can give it and he wants to have sex with me.... I should, I'm not Ina relationship and for the life of me I can't find anyone to date me. So you have to take what you can get I guess.. I'm just super bitter about a lot crap that's happened and I realize wtf I might as well actually get to be happy.. I'm sure his fiancée will be fine she probably won't find out and if she does I doubt she'll leave him.. If she did maybe I could be with him and if not then at least I can distract myself until I hopefully meet someone soon

[ImperfectionisBeauty]

You were going to do it all along. It did not matter what anyone here said. You got what you came for...................

 

That's not true I did consider it and I did stop texting him for a while but in the end what do I have actually going for me in the relationship department right now? Nothing.

[ImperfectionisBeauty]

The reason I'm so bitter towards this whole thing is because when I was 17 I met a guy I totally liked he was the first guy who took me on a date and gave me attention like that... Then I found out he had a gf and I ended it immediately because I didn't want the BS a few years later we ran into eachother at the mall and exchanged numbers again and talked and he said he and his girlfriend had broken up so we hung out a little and one thing led to another and we messed around (not real sex but other stuff) and I get a text from him like a week later like "hey my girlfriend found your pictures don't answer your phone" so after a full day of 50 some missed calls and 135 text messages telling me I'm a whore I realized he was lying not only did he have a girlfriend but she was 5 months pregnant. Oh and the best part is in the end he is still with her even though he told me he cheated on her all the time and in a text she sent she was like "he always does this... Blah blah" so he constantly cheats but she was too weak to leave? They are engaged now with a son... What do I have? Nothing. I got dumped by the only guy I really cared about so **** it.. and this situation wasn't even my fault so to me screw it because obviously women stay with cheaters and marry them and have kids with them and expect it all to be ok.. Whatever so if mr engageds fiancée finds out then I'm sure she will get over it for the sake of her family.

Like I said I am not in a relationship I have no one I hoped at least by 21 I would be in a relationship and hopefully it would be with the person I would marry and have babies with or at least I would be in the type of relationship that allowed me to get pregnant and just have a baby and not necessarily be married... Instead I have neither no boyfriend and no baby so I feel like whatever I'm just done caring about anything I just want to be with someone

[ImperfectionisBeauty]

It's just hard because a lot of my friends are getting engaged or married or pregnant and I feel like I'm losing (I know it's not a race and I should really just focus on this last year of school). I haven't had a real boyfriend ever.. I mean my ex and I were dating and he called me his gf and I called him my boyfriend but it wasnt on fb or anything so it's not like my friends knew him except for what I told them. So people I know probably think I am a total loser. The thing that set me off last night which is when I posted is I talked to a friend and he is 21 he just proposed to his gf of a year who is 19. It just feels like I am missing out and these are really valuable years I need to meet someone. And another big issue is I have cerebral palsy so I use a cane to walk which isn't a huge deal but a lot of guys don't want to date a handicap girl, I feel like if I don't get someone now while I still have age and decent looks on my side what am I going to do? I could end up being 35 and in a wheel chair then who would want me lol haha it's sad because then a guy wouldn't even want me as a sex partner lol.

[ImperfectionisBeauty]

And what does your relationship with someone when you were 17 (you are now 21) have to do with you being pissed enough to crap on someone else's life? Personal choices and standards are yours alone to set, realize and accept. Laying it at the feet of everyone else means you are stuck in a 17 year old's mindset.

 

I met him at 17 all the drama happened at 19 and it was the biggest thing that had happened to me at that point I was in therapy after for a while it just had a big effect on me. In the end I took the whole blame for what he did and he was just really mean to me after he said horrible things about me it was just a bad situation and I didn't cause it, I didn't deserve what happened and what he said. I ran into him at Walmart a few weeks ago and literally I had to leave because I had a panic attack it's still an open wound to me.

[ImperfectionisBeauty]

First of all being your relationship on facebook doesn't make it anything more than it being on facebook. It doesn't make it more or less of a real relationship.

Keep in mind facebook doesn't have a ImperfectionisBeauty is having an affair with xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx option, so if you sleep with this guy, then you aren't going to get to put that on there either.

 

You're in your last year of school... that's exciting. Your entire future is ahead of you. I do know it can feel like you are missing out when other people have big life events and you aren't there yet. Do other things. Hit other achievements. Focus on those things. Falling in love happens when you aren't looking for it.

 

Cerebral palsy isn't a deal breaker sweetie. I'm going to tell you something that I don't share with other people very often because it's NONE OF THEIR BUSINESS and I've kept it not a secret, but private, but I think it might help you. Maybe. I don't know.

I'm not healthy. I'm really sick in fact, and I'm not going to get better.

I met the love of my life after I turned 30.

When you meet the right guy, he's going to love all of you, cane, wheelchair, walker, oxygen tanks, ivs, hospital visits, hours and hours of vomiting, whatever it involves. He's just going to love YOU.

 

Sex is just sex. It's only magical when there's love involved. It's always fun...(at least if you're doing it right) but if you are having sex for the sake of having sex, I don't think it's going to make you happy, and I think in time you are not going to like this choice.

 

It is yours to make however... please be careful. Protect yourself both from stds as well as pregnancy. Getting pregnant by this guy will not tie him to you in any positive way.

 

Just thought that needed to be said.

If you want a baby later in life, you can look at different options then, but hey, try things the traditional ways first.

 

I appreciate you sharing that I know it's probably super hard to talk about. I'm really just afraid I guess that no guy is going to think I'm good enough to date and be with. It's dumb because most of the guys I have met didn't care at all its probably me I care a lot about it... Another issue i am trying to work out in therapy.

[Sauron]

Sorry to hear about your CP. I hope that you find as much satisfaction as you can. If I was you and in demand I would get as much out of everything as I could, all of it. Good luck to you.