acp68 Posted July 20, 2004 Share Posted July 20, 2004 Hello - I am new to this organization but was hoping that I could get some advice. I will try to keep this post as short as possible without leaving out any pertinent details. I have been with a guy for 2 and a half years. Engaged for 1 and a half years. We are both 35. He is in the military. His past history - he had been married for 10 years and deployed to Korea. His ex-wife served him with divorce papers while in Korea and when he came home she and the kids were gone and she had taken literally everything. He has been divorced now for about 4 years. When I had met him he had just broken up with an ex-fiancee (about 6 months before I met him). He had been with her for about a year and a half and she cheated on him while he was deployed as well as lied to him, etc. When I met him he was stationed in my home state and we had been together for a year and then became engaged. He was relocating to another state so we set a date to be married before he left. A few weeks before we were to be married he called off the wedding - stating he had cold feet. I consented and told him that I did not want to marry someone who was not completely sure. He then left for his new state (which is about 4 hours away from me) and I told him that I thought he needed some time to sort out his feelings and that I would give him that time. Within a week he called and said he missed me, realized I was the best thing for him and that he loved me so much and needed me in his life. He then began to talk about marriage again. At this point he was living in a hotel and getting ready to take leave for a month to spend time with his boys. ABout 3 times that summer we "planned" on getting married and even went as far as getting our license but each time he withdrew. Each time after he decided not to get married I gave him space and did not contact him and each time he was the one that contacted me stating how much he loves me etc. His reasoning was that he didn't even have a place to live and how were we suppose to get married when he was in that situation (I have 2 children). So I finally told him that I would continue to see him but that I didn't even want to discuss marriage because each time he did that to me it really hurt me. He finally found a house to rent and I continued to see him and he would continue to talk about our future etc. Even saying things like we should get married when you come to see me the next time, etc. Well about 3 months after he had found a place to live he was deployed to IRaq for 6 months. He has now been home for about 1 and a half months and has continued to talk about marriage. A few weekends ago I went to see him and he told me to bring the rings in case we decided to get married on Monday. I took them with me but we both agreed not to get married on Monday because I would have had to call off sick from work and I just was not comfortable doing that. SO he mentioned that Friday because that way I could take a vacation day. At this point I must mention that he has been living in a motel since being back from Iraq because he is in the process of buying a house. So Wednesday I talked to him and asked him if I should still take off Friday to come there and get married. He said well maybe we should wait because I might be settling on the house on Friday and plus it was up in the air as to when his ex would let him get the boys (who are 7 hours away from him). So I was a little hurt but understood his reasoning. Last week he called me and said take off Thursday and Friday (of this week) and come see me and we will get married. He stated that he had researched the whole process of getting married and what we need to do. I called the courthouse and confirmed the procedure. Right now I am just so nervous and scared that he will do the same thing as in the past. Does he sound like a commitment phobia to you? Any advice greatly appreciated and I apologize for the long post. Thanks. Link to post Share on other sites
cinnamonstix49 Posted July 20, 2004 Share Posted July 20, 2004 He sounds a little off 2 me... Most people don't plan to marry someone every day of the week. I would advise that you two either get married, or you don't because this confusion isn't good for your kids and or yourselves. I can understand that he would be a little nervous about getting remarried, but this just sounds crazy. I wish you the best of luck though and I hope you do get to go through with it this time. Link to post Share on other sites
Olivia_19742004 Posted July 20, 2004 Share Posted July 20, 2004 I just want to clarify. He's the one that keeps bringing up marriage? Not you? He's the one that approaches the topic each time? Link to post Share on other sites
Author acp68 Posted July 20, 2004 Author Share Posted July 20, 2004 Yes he is the one - everytime he says about not getting married I never bring it up again he does. I mean originally when we first got engaged we both chose a date and I sort of took the initiative from there but ever since that time I never bring the subject up because I don't want to pressure him in anyway. Link to post Share on other sites
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