Living single when engaged

[Fayebelle]

My BF and I plan to marry once he finishes college ( about 2 years from now). I feel that before we tie the knot I should spend some time living alone since I have always had SOMEONE else living w/me (even if it was just a roomate). I need to know personally that I can make it own my own and since he and I have already discussed a no-sex period before our wedding I feel this would be a good time for me to have my own place for a couple of months. He disagrees and feels that if I plan to have an apt on my own in the future I should not have moved in w/him now. It's not that I don't love living w/him - this is just something I feel I should do before we marry.

 

I love my BF but I need to know I can take care of myself. What happens if God forbid something happened to him once we were married and I was left on my own?

 

Does this make sense to anyone else? If so how do I make him see my point? I have let the point drop for now b/c it's not worth arguing over but I know it's going to come up in the future b/c this is something I really feel I should do.

 

Any advice?

[dudesomewhere]

let's give a super quick ultra narrative on me for bg sake

 

working since I was 5....now 31. For a while during college I worked 3 jobs, yeah that made me falter a bit in schooling , I ended up supporting my lil sis and her deadbeat bf who later became a deadbeat husband...they're married but damn he's the most selfish or one of the most selfish "dads" you could ever know. So basically that was me living on my own...with technically my lil sis and etc living there.

 

My family lives on 10 acres. My older sis wants to live in a house closer to the city...we are in the boonies. Initially I was to go live with her and pay rent, yada yada. Now I'll move into her old house and pay her rent...no big deal.

 

Living on your own is no big deal, it's all about income in vs income out. Simple right?

 

Now you may think you need to for personal history's sake but there really is no need, it's just wasted money IMO. I have no problem giving my sister money as we can keep it in the family...basically I'll be sustaining my older sister a bit...or rather assisting her. I hated the knowledge I THREW away all that money to some strangers living in some apartment...that was so stupid.

 

It's good to have 0 debt...and I mean 0, hehe.

 

So yeah, I can understand your thought that it might be good for you, but it's unneccessary. It really is a waste of money if you know you simply can afford it. If anything, if you know a relative with a room to rent...do that. Throw them a few hundred a month, whatever it is your financial demographic is, and do that for however long you think is good.

 

Me, I'd rather pay my sis 2000 than some stranger 500.

[Fayebelle]

You know- $ was one of his cons against this plan also. That was why I wanted my living single time to be closer to the wedding date since he would be out of school and we had already planned the no sex time. Renting a room would still mean other people in the house. I guess it was the solitude more than anything I want to be OK with.

 

Thanks for the input Dude- I always value your honesty.

[EC]

I think thats a very good idea. Because its true. Sometimes we get so wrapped up in love that we keep thinking with our hearts instead of our brains. We don't live in a fairytale worls where everyone that gets married stays together forever. You have to stop a second and think about reality.

I'm glad you've decided this because god forbid something does happen to you after everything you will be so lost.

Has he lived on his own before?

If he has then he already knows what its like and knows that if you were to leave his side "godforbid" he can make it on his own and you need that reassurance as well.

My motto as in other post is live today your not promised tomorrow.

If it's something you feel you need to do then do it.

No regrets.

Besides you really learn a lot about yourself living on your own. It can definitely aslo help your relationship.

About the no sex i dont know about that one lol

[Fayebelle]

Originally posted by EtErNaLlYCoNfUsEd

Besides you really learn a lot about yourself living on your own. It can definitely aslo help your relationship.

About the no sex i dont know about that one lol

 

1- I think that's what I'm looking for

 

2- We think it will make the honeymoon quite a bit sweeter

[YellowLioness]

Hrmmm...

You know, I actually think it's pretty smart to know what you're capable of alone before you enter into a marriage.

My rents were divorced by the time I was 4; I'm GLAD my mom knew that she could make it on her own. I'm glad she knew HOW to make ends meet so that we could survive.

Besides, absence and abstinance makes the heart grow fonder. Well, that is, the heart and the uhh.... the uhhh... wow, it just feels strange to type the word "vagina." I don't know why. lol.

 

Anyway Faye, follow you're heart. It's gotten you this far girlie. :-)

[YellowLioness]

BTW, I am not insinuating that you and your boy will get a divorce. Just so you know. It's a scary world out there. Do whatever you feel like you have to do to keep what you and your man have alive. It's so easy now for people to be like, "Whoops! Sorry *inserts spouse name*! Sorry God! Just a big misunderstanding. She wanted red roses and I like yellow ones..."

You seem true, Fayebelle. I was just pointing out another reason why it's good to know yourself.

[Debster]

I understand what you are saying about wanting some independence, sense of self before getting married and believe it is essential to have gone it alone prior to getting married. If this is something you too, believe you need than for your own mental health do it.

 

However, understand that your fiance has justification for being pissed about it. You should have thought of this BEFORE moving in with him. Of course now he is used to being with you and it will be very tough and lonely going without living with you. It is kinda like backstepping. If you need to do it, do it but make sure you explain WHY you need to do it so he doesn't think you are scared of the committment of being married, understand where he is coming from and how this might make him feel and find a way to make it up to him somehow.

[Fayebelle]

Yeah I think his understanding my motives is part of the prob. I tried to explain why I need alone time ( not like I want to cut all ties- I LOVE him and would still want to see him as much as poss) but I think he sees it as a prenup kind of thing---like I'm preparing for us to fail when this has NOTHING to do w/that.

[CurlyIam]

Hi, Faye

 

I have lived with a bf for a while.Things got really tough, I wanted some space, he did not understand-took it like a rejection and feared that I'd live him, and what do you know, I did !

 

So right now, I don't want to live with my bf, I don't plant or want to get married (also I do believe in it), what can I say, I totally reject it right now!

 

That being said, if I ever found a man to want to live with, I would not look for space for my own. It's just not fair. It was your life before him, your choices, your other affairs. Why would he have to "pay" for your not having tasted freedom? What do you expect to gain? i can tell you that you can make it. With or without your bf. Because you're a fighter. There are no secret tricks to learn if your marriage shall fail. Plus, I reckon you don't plan it (the failing, I mean) in the near future. So by the time you'll divorce you'll be so used to him that you'll hardly remember you ever stayed alone.

 

Oh, yes, living alone is one great experience. I grow to love it these days. IT would have helped to have experienced that before moving in with my ex, that's for sure.

 

 

 

Again, it's just my opinion.I think it's weird. Unless you need the time to think, to be sure... what am I saying, unles you are hesitating about this decision, in my pov, moving out does not make too much sense.

 

Do you feel like you do not have air to breath? Do you feel like you've lost touch with yourself? Are you thinking about your intimate needs and desires? what are you hoping to accomplish by moving out of your place? I don't understand what's pushing you !

 

 

 

oh, and what's the story with his finishing college and all? Will he move out? Listen, I'm not saying you should sacrifice all for him. But, especially in his final year, sex or no sex, he needs to see around him people he knows, places he's familiar with. Trust me, final year is hell!!! He needs all the support he can get!

 

 

Anyway, even though I can't say I really understand, the main point is for you to do whatever makes you happy. And before making any decision, try to have clear in your mind what you want to gain. Specifically. And why. Then put that in balance with what you stand to loose - mainly, the hurt you cause your bf. I wish he understand you and support you. My ex wasn't like that at all. I guess that's why he's my ex !

[Fayebelle]

Thanks Curley for your views.

 

I would never move out until he was FINISHED college. We both work AND he goes to college so I'm definately not smothered- It's not that I want space. I just want to prove to myself that I can make it on my own.

 

I am very happy w/him and know we will be happy being together forever. I don't want to live alone to sow any wild oats- I just want to know I can look after me and live w/myself if no one else is there. It's not failure of marriage I worry about- it's mortality. My father died when I was 5 and I have been in 2 major car accidents so I know life is not infinate. I would love to think me and my man could be happy FOREVER but that is not the fate of man. Of course I could go 1st but that's not my concern... I guess I want to know I could physically go on w/out him (emotionally I'll never know til it happens)

 

I know that sounds awfully morbid but I don't know how else to word it.

[HoldOn]

I don't think it's weird.

 

Even though I'll be living with my BF out of necessity for a couple months out of the year, I don't really want to live with him right before our wedding. I think it will make it more special to be living in my own place for a few months before the wedding. We also plan on a "no-sex" period.

 

Now, keep in mind, it's three years before our wedding and I definitely told him all this WAY ahead of time.

 

I just think it's lame to home from the honeymoon and continue life as usual. "Hey! Isn't this exciting to be married? It's exactly the same as ever. Yay!"

 

Anyway, maybe if you tell him that you are just trying to make the marriage more special. I think he should understand...

[Fayebelle]

 

Yeah- that's why we agreed to a no-sex period.

 

You know this would actually help keep that promise too- you know removing some of the temptation. It would be SUPER hard to sleep next to each other each nt w/no sex. (no pun intended )

[HoldOn]

Yeah, it would be hard!

 

Just out of curiosity. How long of a no-sex period are you going for. I am thinking 6 weeks. What do you think?

 

Maybe you could explain to him that you want to treasure the "dating" period of your relationship before starting on the marriage. I really think it's a good reason...

[Fayebelle]

We discussed a month or 2- just depends how crazy last minute planning gets. We are obviously starting early but I know the last minute details can make the whole deal a zoo and we would need to support each other thru those decisions. You know it gets a bit hard to concentrate when you are feeling like a crazy teen wanting some booty.

[tiki]

I definitely agree that you should be self-supportive before marrying. It's an awesome idea where you really can't go wrong. You need to be able to CYA (cover your azz) if something goes wrong.

[CurlyIam]

Maybe it's just me, always trying to be right, but....

 

I've been readin your post on the "love nowadays" thread where you were talking of you being badly hurt after a car accident.

 

Faye, I may be out of my place to tell you this, but did it ever occur to you this could be a response triggered by the shock? As in you projecting your fears and your pain on the person next to you (e.g. think of him instead of you in the accident in order to face these feelings)?

 

I am always making fun of you,over the Atlantic people for suggesting counseling as the universal remedy, but in your case, maybe it's a good idea. It's a wild shot, but then, it's amazing how our brain works and what it does in order to cope with very difficult feelings. Surviving something this violent leaves emotional scars that take much harder to heal than the physical wounds. They surface later in time and are more difficult to detect...

 

 

 

Maybe the accidents were a long time ago, maybe you're fine and I'm just trying to justify your behaviour so that I can accept and understand... But Faye, people can die anytime of the day. All of them, not only your bf. Your close friends, your family, your relatives... I don't see you cutting off contacts with them only to be able to face/survive this possible catastrophy... This is why I think it's a bit more to this than one might think... Was this last accident recent?

[HoldOn]

CurlyIam, I have to disagree.

 

Wanting to live alone before marriage means you need counselling? (I see that there are other issues that she might need help for.) But it wasn't too long ago that it was the norm to live alone before marriage and many would still say that it's healthy!

[CurlyIam]

Oh, I think if that's what she wants, she should do it!

 

But I honestely am worried about the scars of that accident. Regardless of if she decides to live on her own or not.

 

Right now, holdon, I wouldn't live with a man if you shot me ! So I do know what you're talking about. However, to go back from living together to living alone... well, it's a personal choice. But I agree, no one should seek counseling, if they feel like it !

[tanbark813]

I can understand (for the most part) your motivation for wanting to live on your own to be sure you can just in case something happens to your fiance. The problem is, doing it this way doesn't prove that. I mean, sure you'll have your own place and privacy, but you still have the comfort of knowing that your man is there for you if you need him, even if you're not around each other 24/7. Plus you say you'd still want to see him just as much, and chances are one of you guys will spend the night at the other's place a lot of the time. So that takes away from the "being on your own" factor as well.

 

I've lived by myself ever since I moved out of my parent's place and I love it. But there are times when you're single that it can get lonely and that's partly when you find out how well you can deal with that aspect of it. This is something you won't be able to experience even if you get your own place, because you still have your fiance.

 

IMHO, it seems like you're throwing away money and reducing the intimacy of your current relationship in an effort to try and prove something that can't be proven in your current situation anyway.

[HoldOn]

Well, I think she should live alone just for the sake of it. To do it once in her life...

[CurlyIam]

Originally posted by tanbark813

I can understand (for the most part) your motivation for wanting to live on your own to be sure you can just in case something happens to your fiance.

 

IMHO, it seems like you're throwing away money and reducing the intimacy of your current relationship in an effort to try and prove something that can't be proven in your current situation anyway.

 

Right on the money, Tan!!!

 

As I said before, I think it's important to know exactly what she should know exactly what she wants and why she wants, it,how important the things she hopes to get out of this experience are, and put it in balance with what she stands to loose.

 

 

HoldOn, an attitude like "for the sake of it" isn't a very mature one.He does feel rejected, he does hurt, this is putting him and the relationship under pressure. For what? For the sake of it ?

 

If she feels like doing it, I trust her judgement... but keeping things rational always helps !

[HoldOn]

I think it's more mature to want to live on your own for a while! I really don't see what's wrong with it. She just wants to be on her own for a couple months before the wedding. It has several advantages:

 

-Being married will seem more special.

-Absense makes the heart grow fonder.

-They'll get to enjoy traditional dating for a little while.

-She'll get to be her own person, separate from her husband.

 

I guess society has changed so much that people who want to live separately before marriage are chastised!

 

She wants to do this, her bf should understand. It's not like she wants to sleep around or sow her wild oats!

 

Of course if her bf really does care and feels neglected, they can compromise! (But he also needs some maturity of his own.) They are going to be together FOREVER. Let her have a little independence before that committment.

[moimeme]

Just imagine her BF posting here: "My fiancee and I have been living together for (what - it will be 3 years by then?) but she said that once I've graduated, she wants to live alone to 'see what it's like'. What should I do?"

 

Ten - to - one that LSers in droves would tell him that his gf is disengaging and just trying to let him down easy.

 

Normally, I'd say people should live alone before moving in, but you've already moved in. So if you want to know what it's like, tell him to do no housework and pay no bills. Let him give you all the responsibility. You do everything - all the cooking, cleaning, shopping, etc. etc. You have to gas the car and get it repaired as well as tend to household repairs. Tell him not to lift a finger for six months. That will give you plenty idea what it's like to be fending for yourself. Basically, it's a royal pain in the @$$

[Thinkalot]

I know a couple (they are now married) who had moved in with each other straight after school. They mutually decided to live apart for a while before they married, for similar reasons stated here. But I think the key is, it was MUTUAL decision. Soon after, the moved back in together, and got married.

 

I can see both sides here...but I can really see why your bf would be a bit pissed about it. Is there a compromise??? can you have a short time apart even while he is away on a holiday or something like that?