Living single when engaged

[Katlady]

Faye, you gave me such great advice when I first posted, I wanted to do the same, but I don't know what I can add.

 

I agree with most of what's been said already. From a purely practical standpoint, have you thought about the financial aspects of having your own place for a couple of months? Just connecting the utilities will cost a bundle and most apartments charge a lot extra for month to month with no lease. Then there's the issue of separating your stuff so that you can have furniture and dishes, etc.

 

You know my situation. He asked for space and some time and that's truly the only thing he wanted. I see your situation as being close to ours. Your BF is hurt as I was. The HUGE difference is that we weren't living together already. Is there a compromise here? I like the idea of telling him to not do anything or contribute for a short time and you take it all on. Just hope he doesn't get used to it! LOL Living alone isn't all it's cracked up to be especially when you have an active lifestyle and you're not home much anyway. (We have two houses, go back and forth all the time, are active socially with family, church, etc. and my hedges look like Tina Turner's hair! LOL) If you think the two of you will spend just as much time together, then I don't think living separately can prove what you want it to prove.

 

The two of you have two years to work through this. Talk to him in a way he can come to understand. Maybe it will give you some insight into yourself as well. This isn't something you have to decide on right now. It's also a feeling that might become satisfied over time in other ways. You mention your fear of mortality and being able to survive on your own. I'm not trying to be morbid here, and I hope I can convey what I mean, but what if you turn that thought around and something would happen to your BF while you are living apart? No one knows how much time they have in this world. Time is precious to us. Would you rather live alone for a bit in case something happens to him later, or enjoy every precious moment now?

 

Remember, too, that the time period you want to live alone is when you'll be doing last minute wedding details. From what I've read here, wedding details give relationships a whole new set of stressors.

 

I've read a lot of your posts and you sound like a strong woman with a good head on her shoulders. If something would happen and you had to make it on your own, you'd be just fine.

[Fayebelle]

Sorry I haven't posted for a few days (I had serious allergy probs and my home computer is on the fritz )

 

Thank you everyone for all of your advice. Hearing other POVs is always helpful.

 

Curley- I do see a therapist for anxiety issues that stem from Post Traumatic Stress due to the accidents. (yes that was plural- for the last 3 yrs I've been averaging 1 accident every 6 months- none were my fault- 2 were major- and you'll never believe this- both were caused by someone running a red light and hitting me!)

 

Tan- excellent point about the lack of emotional aloneness that would normally come w/living single.

 

Kat- thanks for the advice (and PM me w/an update b/c I haven't seen any new news on your situation lately ) I live in an area that thrives on tourism so it's no prob finding a furnished apt for a month or 2 but the wedding details part is an issue that concerned me.

[Adunaphel]

So if you want to know what it's like, tell him to do no housework and pay no bills. Let him give you all the responsibility. You do everything - all the cooking, cleaning, shopping, etc. etc. You have to gas the car and get it repaired as well as tend to household repairs. Tell him not to lift a finger for six months. That will give you plenty idea what it's like to be fending for yourself. Basically, it's a royal pain in the @$$

 

Moimeme, I'm not 100% sure you are being serious (stupid me) .

It is a great idea, and excellent advice, but perhaps for some people it would work great in a theorical situation and so well in a real one.

 

There are a couple of risks:

1)Faybelle's boyfriend might get used to it.....I think it would be hard for most people getting back to real life, to sharing bills 50/50 and to sharing the housework after 6 months your partner not only allowed you to, but *asked* you not to lift a finger.

or he might NOT get used to it, and feel like sh*t whwnever he sees his SO doing even his share of housework.

2)most people would end up resenting their partner after a while ...even if it was *them* asking him not to lift a finger. And they would probably expect something in return... without even realizing they do.

 

This would not probably be Fayebelle's case, but no one can know for sure once he/she is in the situation.

[Fayebelle]

Sorry but this would never work for us.

 

My BF is the type to make me breakfast in bed just b/c it's Tues. He bought me a present for HIS birthday. He hurries home somedays to clean and cook so I can come home and do nothing. (see why I wanna marry him )

 

Anyway- he would never agree to sit by and watch me take care of everything.

[moimeme]

Then I advise against living apart. If it really bothers him, and you go ahead and do it, you'll be telling him that you will do what you wish even if it bothers him a great deal. Unless he is in full agreement, I think your plan is unwise.