Am I just being a crybaby?

[cloudy01]

Yikes- get ready to read

My father has a strong temper which causes him to say horrible things he doesn't mean. Of us 4 kids, I'm definitely the one who's suffered the brunt of his anger, partially because I can't keep my mouth closed when I feel he's being unfair or unkind. He's an old fashioned, father-is-head-of-the-house, everything-he-says-goes, he-has-to-give-his-permission-to-everything, kind of dad. This includes my mother. I've never liked how he treats my mother like she's one of us. Lately, it's gotten worse.

 

My parents have always argued in front of us. He calls my mother horrible things and puts her down right in front of us, calling her stupid and telling her that she's spending money like crazy and setting a bad example, etc. I think that this is partially why my siblings have no respect for her. They are super rude to her.

I used to stand up for her, but it only made things worse. With the stress of being hit hard by the economy and having to deal with my grandma's issues (she's in a nursing home now), he's always upset now, and takes it out on us. He treats me like I'm still 10. He gets upset over everything I do. He even got mad at me recently because I planned a day trip with some friends and didn't ask his permission a few days beforehand. I was tempted to answer back that I'm 21 now, but it wasn't a good time.

I'm 21 now, and it's getting harder to keep my mouth shut, but sometimes he goes too far. I'm just afraid of what would happen to my family if I were to say something.

 

On top of all that, my siblings have really started to gang up on me. They hate me because I'm "a know it all," "parents' favorite," and "tries to be our mom." They get horribly jealous of the things I have- laptop, car, iPod, cell phone- which is stupid because, first, I'm TWENTY-ONE, they're ten and fourteen!!! Not to mention, I bought those things (except the cell). They say that our parents always side with me and I always judge them. I don't know where they get this from. My parents have sided with me a few times, but that's partially because my one sister is the trouble maker in the family and a bully. She's younger, but she started all the put downs. She calls us horrible things and has no conscience.

 

All this is really stressing me out. I try to go out with friends but with my harsh restrictions, it's kind of tough. Not to mention, when I get back, they just put me down and instantly harsh my mellow.

In moments of anger, I've brought up how I want to move out. How they way they're acting is only pushing me away and it hurts. It seemed to only make my siblings hate me even more.

Maybe I'm just being a crybaby. It's not like my dad's an alcoholic or a deadbeat. My siblings don't do drugs. We live a comfortable life. But something just doesn't feel right. I don't feel good when I'm at home...

[Radu]

What he is doing is called verbal abuse and your siblings have picked up on it.

Basically he's a big verbal bully, guess where your sister has picked up on it.

 

It is also generally accepted that the 1st born is more likely to have an independent thinking compared to the other siblings.

 

Can you afford to move out now ?

Do you go to college ?

 

What country do you live in, and what is your ethnic background ?

[wow04]

Not only is is verbal abuse, it is emotional abuse. You are 21, you don't need your father's permission to move out.

[Ninjainpajamas]

The kids learn from their parents...whether they want to or not. They are the role models in life and who they watch to set an example of what is ok and not ok in life.

 

Unfortunately you're very prone to end up with a man just like your father, but the strength will be attractive to you. Either that or you'll go to the extreme and be with someone who is passive and would never hurt you. The damage has already been done and the seed planted.

 

You need to look to moving on with your life for your own sanity, emotional stability because of the abuse you faced growing up and will still endure long after you leave. It'll take you years to figure out the true impact that your dad has had on you, you are very prone to the typical insecurity issues that many women have because the strained relationships they have with their fathers.

 

You live an abusive home and your siblings are too young to understand and see it...It's hard enough growing up as a teenager feeling jealousy and becoming a grown up, seeking validation and not really understanding the dynamic of life. You're also still pretty young in terms of understanding of all of this, in 10 years you'll look back on this in a completely differently light and it'll be much less than that before you realize how much this experience and upbringing will affect your personal relationships, everything in your romantic relationship will be able to be tied to something you experienced here with your parents, so try to be aware of that.

 

Finally your mom is not going to change and your dad isn't either. At this point they're only feeding into their own issues and insecurities. Your dad likely is abusive in this way from his childhood from his father/grandfather/upbringing and so is your mother. Your mother seems conditioned to the abuse and too weak to speak up and stand up for herself, your dad will continue to repress her until her until the end. They may make little strides here and there, but without therapy/counseling, someone to bring to light their issues and make them both start working on themselves nothing will drastically change.

 

Move out as soon as you can, don't jump into a relationship or find a boyfriend...I strongly advise against that. I recommend becoming independent and standing on your two feet, focus on your life and career/education, further yourself so that you have the opportunities and ability to never have to rely on a man. Be responsible for your actions and your emotions, don't go through life blaming others, It's all going to come from you...you always have a decision, people just want to take the easy road.

 

Move forward and don't look back, don't let your parents control you or influence you, forgive your siblings for being young and immature and just following the lead of your parents and help them by setting an example and someone to look up to your actions not your words If you want to prove a point, however it is your life to live as well, they'll have their own journey...but please for the sake of what's best for you, learn to become independent and take care of yourself by moving out. It'll alleviate a lot of stress you go through day to day, this is a destructive environments..and environments influence people.

[Robinmarsh12]

I have lots of friends my age, but I have a few years left with them. I want to make my time with her last. And she couldn't introduce to me to those things; for one, I'm not exactly stupid, and for two, she's a good person.