When To Set A Date Assuming The Ring Comes?

[katie79]

My 30 year-old boyfriend of almost 4 years is in the process of making payments on a ring. Throughout our relationship, he has always brought up marriage and kids. He never did anything about it though...until I mentioned to him a few weeks ago that I thought it was time we get married and start looking for a ring. We agreed we would be engaged by Sept. 1st. I am just afraid once we get engaged, he will not set a date or string me along and say something like, "why don't we wait 6 months to a year and see how things go before we set a date". I'm just scared he's not going to go through with it. What is a good time period to set a date after the actual engagement? A week, 3 weeks, month, 2 months, etc? I want to make sure he isn't just giving me a ring to keep me around. I want him to give me the ring to make a real commitment to marriage and set a realistic and reasonable date. PLEASE HELP ME!

[YellowLioness]

I think you all have to work this out for yourselves. None of us here know your relationship like you do, so it should be the both of you who mutually decide on a wedding date. You all have been together so long that time is relative. Another week won't make that big of a difference, neither should 6 months at this point.

If you're afraid of him giving you the ring just to keep you around, that's a whole other issue.

Setting a wedding date right away won't help matters, neither will pushing him about it. Wedding are mutual joinings, and pushing a partner towards it will make an unequal yolking of hearts.

Both have to want it.

Tell him how you feel, what you want, and what you're afraid of. Since you are almost married, you should be best friends, and should have already discussed some of this stuff.

I've never been married, so I am just throwing out guesses to help you through this rough time.

[katie79]

I only think it's bad to wait to long to set a date after engagement b/c I've seen women and men wait too long and nothing ever happens, except they waste another year and loose the chance to meet someone else. I even knew a guy who was engaged for a long period of time and he admitted he never set a date after his engagement b/c he truly didn't want to marry her, he just didn't want her to look elsewhere so he gave her a ring for a sense of security.

[katie79]

His parents, my parents, relatives, and friends think it's getting ridiculous. I feel that way too. Four years is almost too long to be with someone. Also, keep in mind I'm 25 and he's 30. If I wait another year for him to give me a ring, another year to set a date, another year to await a wedding, by that time I'll be close to 30. It's not easy to find someone now b/c everyone is already taken, engaged, or married. I've studied that after a particular age, chances of meeting someone greatly diminshes after a certain age.

[Guest74]

So do you want to marry him because you just want to get married because you're afraid of your prospects, or because you really love him? I'm on the verge of turning 30 this year (and nowhere have I ever read about the phenomenon of jumping from 25 straight to 30), and yet I still meet a lot of wonderful, single men. Don't let marriage be something you feel pressured to do, and don't pressure your boyfriend. However, if you're insistent on getting married for the wrong reasons (just so you have someone), let him know so you both stop wasting your time and can each find a relationship that is more appropriate for what your needs are.

 

I have a great-aunt who didn't get married until she was in her 30's, and they stayed happily married until he died last year, after almost 50 years of marriage). I still remember her saying, "Anyone can get married. The trick is to stay single."

[binturong]

The first thing we did after getting engaged was look for churches and reception halls. I didn't set a date until the date was SET. You never know when it'll be until you have deposits down to reserve the date. With that said, our date was set within a month of being engaged. It took that long to call, email, or write different locations to get price lists, availability dates, etc.

[katie79]

I want to marry him b/c I am in love with him. To be honest, after 5 months of dating, he said (ON HIS OWN WILL, I NEVER MENTIONED ANYTHING) he would get me a ring the following year. I never mentioned it once. It never came. After 3 months of the yearly anniversary of his promise, I mentioned something regarding what he said the year before. He said he thought about getting engaged for my B-day, then that never happened. A few months after that, he again, out of his own will, out of the blue, said he wanted to get engaged for our 2 year anniversary. Nothing again when it came. I said nothing either. He mentioned maybe my 25th birthday, but that never happened either. For our 3 year anniversary, when we were out to dinner he again suddenly mentioned "he would get me a ring next year". I forgot for a while. Then after 3 1/2 years hit, I knew I loved him, but I needed to do something after his false promises. I wanted to either take the plunge or just move on and find someone else. Keep in mind, He was sincere when he promised engagement. He is just a dreamer and wants everything to be wonderful when we get engaged, but of course, life is NEVER perfect. And no, I don't want to marry him for the sake of being married or represented. I would never settle like that. That's why I brought this up. So if he wasn't serious, I could find a man who would be. Almost 4 years of dating is a long time.

[katie79]

Let me clarify that I NEVER PRESSURED HIM INTO GETTING ENGAGED! All I said to him was "I thought about our relationship a lot, and I thought it was time we starting looking for a ring". After that he just said, "okay". We went looking the following week. A few weeks before that he said he wanted to look for a ring. However, he said this after a huge fight we had (not reg. anything in even relation to marriage) and I told him no. Throughout the almost 4 years of dating, he had mentioned various times of marriage, children, etc out of his own will ( i didn't mention it or hint to it, he just brought it up casually in conversation). The only thing that bothered me was he kept saying things and not doing them at the times he planned. That's all. I guess that's why I am worried he wont set a real date. False promises are bad in all relationships whether they're romantic, friendships, or business. There is a such thing as beating a dead horse. You can only cry wolf so many times. Also, I firmly believe that just about 4 years of dating exclusivley and being serious is a long enough time. I want a 2006 wedding. That's almost 2 years away! I'm not asking for a wedding tommorow. I'll be 27 and he'll be 32, plus we want kids. I would like a few years of being married before kids. Basically, what it all boils down to is I wanted the relationship to move forward, b/c it was going nowhere. If he didn't want to get engaged, I would have never saw him again and dated others. No person, man or woman should devote too much time into one person if it isn't leading to marriage. My belief is the longer you wait for committment, the less likely are to meet a decent man who can and would be happy to commit.

[Debster]

Why would you want to marry someone who clearly does not do what he says he will and who you, your family and friends have lost respect for because he hasn't gotten the balls to propose yet?

[sumdude]

WOW! Please don't take offence but you sound a little impatient, intense, exasperated and defensive.

 

I just got engaged to my girlfreind of 5 years about a month ago. I am 36 she is 33. I met her when she was 29. Most of my freinds are in thier early-mid 30's and single. Life does not end at 30, period! In fact most of my single male and female pals are having a blast because they are now mature enough to understand relationships and have more fun with life. We're just starting the wedding cyle in our group. My other friends who got married in their early 20's, well not that this is any trend but they are almost all divorced now. They rushed into things. Things will work out, you are still quite young. I understand wanting him to follow through but you don't want to spook him by going nutty on timelines. Just be sure you want to be married to HIM, not just married soon.

 

We're just starting on the wedding plans. Wait for the ring, don't start freaking on a date before the ring even shows up. Cart before the horse and all that. Anyway, location etc. will likely affect the date quite a bit. So you might want to start with a season and then find the necessary locations for the ceremony and reception. You'll find a lot of things are already booked so don't set a concrete date until the other things are lined up first.

 

All thigs considered though I do believe the wedding should happen with about a year of the engagement.

 

I would have to wonder about one thing. You say he's 'in the process of paying off a ring'. Is he that incredibly frugal about debt? Seems to me you can pay off a ring while it's already on someone's finger.

[katie79]

I don't know much about that kind of stuff. Could you get a ring without paying in full? I never looked into it. Some places I guess will let you, some wont. I know jewlery stores have different policies. I never asked him. He just tells me he makes a payment every friday after work ends. As far as forms of payments go, I don't know how he pays whether is cash, credit, etc. And I agree with you 100%, marriage should occur one year after engagement. But I want a May or June 2006 wedding. I just want to set a date within a month after engagement so we can start saving money for a wedding and a future (also so I know he isn't full of it, I've heard about men proposing to their girlfriends and never setting a date). I am from a state where the average wedding costs $32,000, not including a honeymoon. Planning takes time here.

[CurlyIam]

Hey, sumdude,

 

I think it's pretty harsh to call someone "intense, exasperated and defensive" for having a plan. To you getting married at 33 is ok. My mom had me when she was 28 and my sister when she was 31. I am telling you that it was a big huge difference in the way she raised us. when my sister was 12 or 13 my mom lost al her patience. She acted with her completely different than she did with me. And I swear to you that she loves us both just as much.

 

Plus her career was on the move, she was working really crazy hours. I was there for my sis, but nothing can replace a mom that works 15 hours a day!

 

Listen, 3 hours make a huge different. Plus, she already found the man she wants to be with for the rest of her life. So IMHO she's initled to ask these questions.

 

 

Hell, when I was in highschool, I promised myself I'll have my first baby at 25. Well, I'm 24 now and I found no good father material anywhere near me. Maybe I'm exasparated too, but I tell you, there is a body cycle and it does affect your life!

[katie79]

Thanks for stickin' up for me curly. LOL! I think you'll find the right man one day. I notice you are from, S. France. I don't know about out there, but here in the US, I always had terrible luck finding men. Not too many "husband material prospects" out there! But I'm sure there are some, the trick is FINDING one! I never had a set age for when I wanted things to happen. I just thought when the right man comes, things would work out so I was happy. But I'm sure things will work out for you.

[sumdude]

Okayfine, look sorry if I ruffled anyone's feathers. It was just an observation. With the caps, exclamation points and the tone of the posts that's the picture I got. Katie you sounded exasperated with your situation. I never said you didn't have a right to be.

 

Hey, it's tough being one of the few guys posting here. Estrogen bonds faster than crazy glue.

 

I think a 2006 wedding is totally reasonable.

 

Two ways to pay off an item.

 

Layaway. The store keeps the item until you pay it all off, usually no interest.

Credit. You take the item and pay it off almost always with some interest.

 

$32,000 average for a wedding?! I live in an expensive east coast city area. It's difficult to believe any 'average' wedding is $32,000. Then again averages are decieving. Throw a couple million dollar weddings in with all the $15,000 weddingsa and the numbers get skewed. For that kind of money I'd put a down payment on a house. I guess it all depends on what you consider 'average' to be.

 

We agreed we would be engaged by Sept. 1st. I am just afraid once we get engaged, he will not set a date or string me along and say something like, "why don't we wait 6 months to a year and see how things go before we set a date.

 

So you expect to be engaged by Sept. 1. That's great. After that start discussing the next step and how you two expect it to happen. Set a common goal you both can agree to. Say something "Well, what do you think about having a date set within a month?" He'll respond. You respond. Then you guys work out the compromise or negotiation or whatever you want to call it.

 

Good luck. I sincerely hope it all works out for you and your man. He may want everything to be perfect, that maybe unreasonable or maybe he just wants all his ducks in a row and be totally sure about what he's doing. It is the rest of your lives after all.

[katie79]

Where I come from the average wedding is $32,000. That's quite expensive I know. Yes, it's stupid in a way to piss away that money when it can be a downpayment on a house. But there's basically no way you can do it without paying a fortune. The halls out here are rdiculous. Even if you got married at the VFW, caters are about $8,000- $10,000. Then there's music, a cheap DJ is maybe $500 - $1000. Photographers range from $1200- $6000, Videographers $2500-4000,flowers are about 2Grand, limos are not cheap either. Donation to the church is $800-2000. I'm not even going into details like the wedding dress, hair, nails, attire, cake, etc. Where I live, trust me, it's expensive. Engagements are probably longer too since people really have to save and buckle down. What city are you from? Do you live in the south?

[sumdude]

Washington D.C., northern Virginia. One of the most expensive areas in the US. Only surpassed by maybe San Francisco and about the same as LA, New York etc. it all depends on how many people you want to invite and just how many extras you want and how fancy a location you want. A wedding at Hilton is bound to be more than one at the Holiday Inn. I've asked friends who have had nice and large weddings and paid $10 to $20K. I've done research and found that even some nice hotels only charge about $40-$60 per person for food with wine. Now if you invite 300 people, well that'll kill ya still only $12 - 18K. But who says you need to go all crazy like that. We're shooting for about 100 - 150 guests. It's only one day, a few hours and to pay for it for the next 5 years seems a waste. It's the commitment and the life together that's important. Throwing a good party to celebrate it should be way secondary.

[binturong]

We're getting married in San Francisco and our budget is $17,000. That includes both rings. Of course, we're also cutting a lot of corners. My uncle is a photographer and he hooked us up with a DJ, florist, and cake at vendor pricing. We're getting married on a Sunday, when things are a lot cheaper. I'm making my wedding dress (I've been sewing for 14 years now), wedding favors, and invitations. We've severely curtailed the guest list. Family and VERY close friends only, so we have a list of around 100 people.