Wanted out of a strained marriage - now I want back in.

[Deeply Sorry]

My H and i have been married 2.5 years, and up to a year ago I would say we were about as happy as two people can get; we were a team; we were deeply in love. He has been going to school to get his degree and doing part-time consulting work, so he has been busy. So busy that he didn't even have the energy to talk to me when he came home. I started feeling lonely, frustrated, sad...I was mourning the loss of our marriage before I really realized what was happening. I asked for a little "cuddle time" - he said "there's the dog." It sounds painfully funny now, but at the time comments like that were crushing. I felt guilty, too, asking for more attention when he was already spread so thin.

 

long story short, i felt like a roommate/cook/maid and he was spending his down time on the computer, playing games and looking at porn. i found it really hurtful. we sort of morphed into one of those old couples who have breakfast together but read the newspaper instead of speaking. our only "couple time" was spent in front of the television. (he may say differently - but that's how it felt.)

 

i got scared - terrified, really, that he didn't love me anymore and my life with him would be nothing but more isolation and depression. since he was so stressed - not the vibrant, silly person i fell in love with - i couldn't see past what he was going through.

 

so i left. not just once or even twice but three times. he always begged me to come back but i was stalwart...at least for a few days. by the end of a week i'd be hysterical - missing him with every fiber of my being. but when i'd go back it would be business as usual. at least, that's the way i felt.

 

now i've moved into an apartment of my own - he spent a few weeks this summer traveling with some friends of ours. it gave me the time to realize that i am out of touch with my feelings, so how could i expect him to be tuned in?

 

i've also realized that his emotional distance is a lifelong problem, in addition to his inability to say "no" to people. he described me to my mother recently as being "in his back pocket." so there i was, safely tucked away & forgotten while he dedicated his time and energy to other things.

 

we are going to see a therapist tomorrow. we've been two other times but stopped b/c my H left town for a while. and in that short time between sessions, things have escalated to where they are now: i'm living alone, he's still in our house, i'm devastated and deeply sorry that i didn't have the courage or foresight to stick it out, and he's saying that he doesn't know what the future holds for us. he needs space.

 

any advice? has anyone gone through anything similar?

 

i love this man with all my heart and regret that our relationship has come to this. we've seen a bit of each other over the last week since he's been back - we've had sex twice - but he refuses to kiss me. i figure i'll take whatever i can get.

 

help!

[DazednConfused]

Sad story.

 

I think it is particularly rude that he has the 'nads to do the deed with you, but won't kiss you??! His wife! What a mean-spirited and insanely selfish way to act.

 

I have heard the 'roommates' analogy too many times to count, and they all have one thing in common; neither person in the relationship is giving any effort. He plays on the computer or reads the paper and you react by becoming angry and "I'll be damned if I am gonna try to talk with him; he should just know what I want!"

 

You go to him looking for a little attention, and he thinks "Gawd! can't she see that I am worn out??! Maybe if I just grunt a little she will get the message"

 

Nasty little circle ya got there. It sounds like you have come to a realization of what you want and need to make the marriage work; now he needs to come to his own conclusions. You can't do it alone, it will take both of you.

 

There are a number of books on the subject of revitalizing a marriage, and there is always counseling as well. Good luck to you!