Wife wants out

[King of Denial]

My wife has told me that she is no longer happy with our marriage and wants to call it quits. We have been married for a little over 4 years. She wants to move back to her hometown (160 miles away).

 

Apparently she has been considering this for some time, but could not or would not say anything about her dissatisfaction until now. But NOW it's too late, at least as far as she is concerned. She does not want to discuss why things are like they are. That's just the way it is and nobody can do anything about it. Counseling is out of the question. I have no suspicion that she is currently involved with another man.

 

I don't understand why I didn't see this coming sooner. We have had our share of disagreements form time to time but were always able to get past it and move on (I thought). I had no idea that she had these kind of things on her mind until now. I just don't get it!

 

The last two weeks I have been through the whole gamut of feelings. I am really lost and don't know what to do, how to act or where to turn.

 

Can anyone (male or female) relate to this and give me some feedback? My spouse doesn't want to talk about it and I need to talk to somebody.

[Tony T]

The way she has behaved through this is not unusual. Women who feel neglected or otherwise dissatisfied in a relationship will try to discuss it, give hints on what matters are troubling to them and try to make it work for them...for a period of time. Once they give up on the situation, they start to emotionally withdraw from the marriage.

 

While this withdrawal is occuring, the husband is preoccupied with other things and either doesn't notice or just welcomes the space and ability to be free to do other things. While the man sees it as a positive, the woman is going through pain, withdrawal and then a healing process, right before your eyes without you even knowing. By the time most women break it to the man that they are wanting to end a marriage, they are well on their way to being over it.

 

If your marriage did not have the basis for open and honest communication, it could be that she never discussed what things she was unhappy with. Or she may have thought you could read her mind. Some people are like that. If she did not talk things out with you, she is obviously a very poor communicator.

 

There is also the possiblity that she was confused at the time of the marriage, was not particularly into it, but was a victim of magical thinking where she just figured after the wedding, everything would transform into what she thought or dreamed it should be.

 

There is also a chance for some reason she may have thought you had a lot more financial resources than you actually have. There are some ladies who get married thinking their guy has a bundle, only to find out they are just average (or worse) in the financial arena. If she married you for this reason and was disappointed, there was not enough love to get her to endure the climb up the ladder. Many people don't understand the Jaguar is not free and clear...and the monthly payments are high...and that it is sometimes leased and not being purchased.

 

Usually, there is no other person involved in these scenarios. However, better than 80 percent of women under 40 who get divorced have someone else to go to. This is part of why they are closed and shut about the matter.

 

The man is usually in shock. He does look back and, after a while, starts realizing the hints and areas where she was displeased. Because she worked so hard to communicate this stuff in the past without result, she has gotten over the marriage and those problems are now irrelevant to her. She has no reason to discuss them because she has emotionally severed ties with her spouse. It is very much over.

 

The best thing you can do, if you want to have a glimmer of hope for reconsiliation in the future, is to be supportive of her and to make the separation and divorce process as easy for her as possible. Now, I'm not referring to giving away the store here, but I'm talking about you just trying to understand what she has gone through. This period is not easy for her. It is painful for anyone to end what began as a wonderful dream. But if you don't show you're ass and you guide her through everything in as much of a loving way as you can, she will very much appreciate it.

 

I do think at some point it would be good for her to give you a debriefing from her standpoint so you can learn what things drove her to making this decision. But don't press her and don't expect her to do it. At this point, she just doesn't care anymore. She wants to go. She is more than likely angry and discussing things will dredge up those feelings. This anger is the last stage of her healing process and usually the stage where a woman announces she wants out.

 

I also suggest counselling for you to deal with this situation. At the same time, you need to learn heavy duty relationship skills, including effective communication, so this kind of thing can't creep up on you again.

 

To the extent that you are kind and understanding is the extent that perhaps in time she may give it another try. It really depends on her state of mind, the true reasons why she wants out, the amount of love she still may hold for you, and other circumstances. But, again, don't press her on anything.

 

Now, there may definitely be other dynamics going here. She may be very confused, she may have had very high expectations for a marriage which no man can meet, she may have expected to have a mansion with a picket fence and 2.4 kids running around the yard by now...she knows for sure and you probably would know, if you communicated at all about your dreams and goals.

 

Unrealistic or unreasonable demands and expectations are the number one cause of problems in relationships and divorce. It is irrational to expect or demand that another person be or behave in any other fashion than what they are. It is also irrational to expect or demand that life unfold exactly as we have seen it in our dreams. People are the way they are and life is the way it is.

 

So many people, men and women, get married with the 100 percent expectation that they can bring about the changes in their spouse required for them to be happy in the marriage. That is insane. But lots of people really do think they can change another person.

 

You said you need to talk to somebody. If you do not have a close personal friend to discuss your feelings with, I urge you to seek professional counselling or seek out a social worker or pastor of a church you may be familiar with to discuss your feelings.

 

It sounds like your wife has totally withdrawn for now. You need to let her go quickly because keeping her around at this point will only make things more painful for you.

 

In my opinion, I think this whole marriage was doomed from the start. I also have a weird feeling that she was communicating with someone, like her mother or sister, during the marriage and was easily influenced. A woman usually does not arrive at this type of dramatic decision without advisors, usually mom, sis or very close friends.

 

The woman wants to be gone or she would talk to you about the matter. Just be nice and let her go. And say good-bye for me, too.

[King of Denial?]

Tony,

 

I appreciate your response to my post.

 

From what few conversations I have had with my wife lately, a couple of things are obvious to me. She is hurting very much inside. I can see the desperation in her actions and words. She has been preparing herself for this and built up an emotional wall to prevent the passage or expression of feelings.

 

I am a talker. I like to discuss issues and feelings. I have a great deal of confidence in my ability to break through and let others know who I REALLY am and how I REALLY feel - hopefully in a kind and caring way. I WAS also confident of my wife's ability to do the same from the beginning of our relationship (did I have blinders on?). I have no way of knowing how honest she has really been. There have been times that I detected she was not coming clean on some things, but I did not push her. Maybe I should have?

 

There is, no doubt, that our relationship has recently been through a period of complacency. As you described in your post, I saw this as a quiet time for me. On the otherhand, my wife apparently saw it as a time to gather ammo and rebuild the walls of Fort Knox.

 

I fully realize that I have contributed to the this sorry state of the state. But for the life of me, I can not put my finger on it. I feel shortchanged - like I am being penalized for breakinig a law that was written after I commited the act. I will never understand how a person can just cut another person off without giving themselves a chance for reconciliation.

 

I will seek the support of friends and counsel to help me get through this. And I will probably be back here to post my future frustrations to complete strangers. Whatever it takes - I need some relief.

 

Thanks for listening (or rather reading) and commenting.

 

The King

[Tony T]

I don't know just how much this has to do with you. But you need to leave her alone and just be kind to her. Her decision has been made. Don't make it hard on her.

 

I have seen this happen so many times. If you press her right now for information about the reason for her decision, beg her to stay, and all those other things, you will further alienate her.

 

Of course, let her know you are deeply saddened and sorry the relationship didn't work, but let her know you want her to be happy in every way and you'll do what you can to help that happen. Just be kind and let her be.

 

You will thank yourself later by not making a fool of yourself and trying to get her to change her mind. I promise you, right now all the military couldn't cause her to budge. Her reasons could be many or few, but in time you will know...when she is ready.

 

As I told you earlier, it is likely from her perspective you were not responding to her communication of certain needs and in many ways she felt neglected or rejected. As you say, she is not a very good communicator so it's likely she either expected you to read her mind or just had very unrealistic expectations of marriage as a whole. And I also promise you somewhere in this scenario there is a confidant who she relies upon for advice and they have encouraged to end this based on what she has told them. You can take that to the bank. If I am right, it should really piss you off that she communicates more with her relatives and/or friends than with you...but just let it go for now. You will be better of without this crap.

 

Be nice to her. End this quickly. Seek counselling. You sound like a great guy with lots of insight. There are many women you can love who will appreciate your openness and be open with you.

[Mitch]

From original post:

 

"I don't understand why I didn't see this coming sooner. We have had our share of disagreements form time to time but were always able to get past it and move on (I thought). I had no idea that she had these kind of things on her mind until now. I just don't get it!"

 

Ask her the first sentence of this paragraph but phrased in terms of what she thinks.

 

Or print out the post, don't tell her necessarily where it's from perhaps, and ask her about it.

 

Four years is a long time to just give up and say, oh shucks.

 

The outcome might not be a happy one, but for gods sakes man, try!

 

And you might have to do it in a very neutral setting or a setting she feels more comfortable with.

 

AND WHATEVER YOU DO, if she starts talking, LET HER TALK! If she wants to blame you for God knows what, let her. If she seemingly is bringing things up out of left field, let her.

 

No, things might not end happily. But for God sakes, at least give it a try.

 

And do not go in with the attitude of "How could she do such a thing" or "I'm going to change her mind" or you're screwed.

 

Good luck.