My Bro's first Bday since his Death

[Texan27]

My issue at hand is short... I don't know how to deal with my family or myself

tomorrow. But the actual situation is long so please, please bear with me.

 

Some of you may already know my story but for those who don't... Last

September my brother committed suicide without leaving a note but calling his

best friend and our aunt to explain what he was about to do without explaining

his reasons. He was bipolar and I understand from my own experience the deep

depression that he was in. But the hardest part is understanding why. On the

outside he was perfectly happy and incredibly excited about his upcoming trip

to visit me at college. Tomorrow will be his first birthday since he passed.

He would've been 22.

 

My issue at hand is short... I don't know how to deal with my family or myself

tomorrow. But the actual situation is long so please, please bear with me.

 

Since about May I've been doing pretty well with accepting what has happened

and moving on with my life until this morning when a friend realized that

today was her father's birthday. I felt like I had been smacked in the stomach

with a 2x4. As soon as I heard that my eyes swelled up and I started crying.

For about the past week I've told myself that I need to just ignore the date

and push myself through it. Everything changed this morning when it finally

hit me how significant tomorrow will be. Instead of celebrating his birth/life

I'll be grieving for his death. As much as I would like to think that I could

simply "be happy for the memories and experiences I had with him" I'm not and

I can't force myself to feel that way. There just seems like there was so much

more that we should have done together.

 

My oldest brother and only other sibling (24 yrs old) is in prison and was

awaiting his hearing in jail when our brother passed. He wasn't allowed to

attend the funeral or wake due to the "nature of the charges" (so much for

innocent until proven guilty). He's also bipolar and still going through the

beginning stages of grieving and feels guilty for not being there. He has

always been in the mindset that "he's the oldest sibling and therefore

responsible for being there/standing up for us. He was always the first person

to give us life lectures and punish/get us in trouble when we screwed up. He

loves the both of us almost as much as he'll love his own children. I want to

write to him about everything I'm going thru (phone calls aren't allowed) but

I feel selfish going to him for support when he needs me more. How can we both

go to each other without making it worse for the other person?

 

Unfortunately my parents haven't been doing as well as they should although I

know they will take longer to move on. I know that tomorrow is going to be

especially hard for my parents but I'm not sure how to handle them. My mom was

just up visiting for more than a month (her sister died suddenly of a heart

attack in June) and she constantly moped around making depressing comments

about my brother (what liked, how he would've loved to see something). I know

that her sister's death has been a huge setback for her but she claims that

she's ok with that situation. The truth is she hides behind Zoloft and

wellbutrin and doesn't go to therapy. She goes to these grief share meetings

that just seem to make her more depressed.

 

Whenever she comes to me crying I instantly turn cold then leave to go cry in

a corner. I'm very much like my father in that I can't sit and grieve out

loud. I mostly grieve in therapy and at night by myself. Unlike either of my

parents, when things get to hard to deal with on my own I go to the person I'm

in love with. Over the past few years their relationship has soured although

they still remain married/together and my dad says that she still means the

world to him. The problem is that he never tells my mom so she never sees that

and therefore refuses to even want to feel that way about him. My dad has

always been very private and almost cold. (At my aunts funeral he wouldn't

even put his arm around me (my mom sat with her siblings)) In short, b/c

they're both too stubborn to just give in and tell the other that they really

do need one another, and they aren't dealing with their son's death together.

>From my perspective, my parents should be going to each other for support and

my brother and I should be able to lean on them.

 

I know that since my brother and father aren't/can't be there for her that I

need to step up to the plate. The only thing she wants is to talk to one of

her children but I can't handle it. Hearing her talk about her pain makes

things a million times harder for me to deal with. I feel selfish when I tell

her I don't want to talk about it but I feel like I just can't do it... I've

tried talking with her and telling her that I need her to help me through this

and that she needs to at least try opening up to my dad. (Neither has made a

significant attempt to cope with one another) All I seem to do is make her

even more depressed. And on top of all this our relationship has been pretty

strained since before all of this happened. For a long while, I've been

telling her what's wrong and what she does that's been hurting our

relationship but she says that "I'm imagining it" but then keeps asking me to

tell her what's hurting our relationship. Everyone else in her family knows

her perspective of our relationship and places the blame on me for not being

strong for her. Its to the point that I can't really go to anyone without

getting the "You're being selfish" lecture. I feel like before I can start to

be there for her that our relationship has to be fixed but I can't do that

when she doesn't want to hear what's wrong.

 

How can I be there for her but at the same time protect myself from falling

apart? How do I explain to her that I simply can't carry her and myself

without losing control of everything without making things worse for her or

being selfish... am I being selfish? I have no idea how I'm supposed to get

through tomorrow and the next several days and not create chaos for everyone

involved.

[supermom]

I am so sorry to hear that you are grieving. I read your first post and it really touched me.

 

My very close aunt committed suicide (I think, OD on morphine, bipolar, depressed...) and it really took a hard toll on me and my family.

 

I really don't know what kind of advise to give you. Everyone greives in their own way. Your mother sounds like she is going into a huge depression, and your family needs counceling.

 

I can't say weather or not your being selfish, because you are greiving as well. I think the family members who are telling you your selfish are a bit selfish as well. Don't they realize you've lost your brother? I think that is really mean.

 

Being a mother I cannot imagine losing my child. I don't know if I could even go on, but people do it. Maybe you and your mother could help each other.

 

Talk to your dad about what you've noticed between them, ask him to write her a letter...which helps in a big way.

 

On his birthday, you can still celebrate his life. Remember he is not hurting anymore, yes it's hard, I deal with it still in my situation.

 

Whenever she comes to me crying I instantly turn cold then leave to go cry in

a corner.

 

Maybe you and your mother should have a crying session together. I know it sounds corny, but I feel that she is afraid of losing your relationship because you are one of her kids.

 

I am so sorry and I hope I helped a little. I know that nothing anyone can say will speed up the process. Maybe pray too.

 

Good luck and keep us posted