Silent treatment

[ThatJustHappened]

Can the silent treatment be considered abuse if it's being used to psychologically torture someone who has severe abandonment issues (which the silent treatment giver is aware of)?

 

I know it's not as bad as a lot of the other stories on this part of the site, but it's making me absolutely insane and I can't take it anymore. I feel like I'm going crazy. I am anxious and terrified and I can't stop crying.

[freestyle]

Is it your partner that's currently doing this to you?

 

Actually the ST can do a lot of damage, to the recipient.

 

I've heard it referred to as "emotional murder"---it's basically treating someone like they don't exist.

 

When it's done to manipulate or punish someone, it's incredibly cruel.

 

(I've had a female friend whose H has done that to her over the years, often for months at a time. It's ridiculous behavior, especially considering they have kids. She hasn't mustered the strength to leave him yet--)

[ThatJustHappened]

He was my ex but we'd been discussing reconciliation recently. Things were going great but then I said something he didn't like and now he's giving me the silent treatment. I bombarded him with texts for the first few days and he answered me once or twice..I even asked if he still loved me and he said yes. I did a few days of no contact but then I got a contract job by recommendation, and he is the only person I know with ties to the company so I asked my boss if he was the one who recommended me. She told me she knew him but she wasn't sure, and that I should ask, so I did (sent 2 emails, the first one didn't have enough information..there was nothing emotional in either of them) and he didn't reply.

 

I know the constant texting was bad. I've stopped now. But I don't understand this. He's never done this before. I don't understand how he suddenly hates me after telling me he loved me and talking about getting back together a week ago.

[ThatJustHappened]

I don't know. I know I hadn't been perfect but I don't think what I said was that bad. We were close to reconciling and I asked him about the open box of condoms by his bed. He said he kept them there by habit and I told him they bothered me and he became furious and has been giving me the silent treatment ever since.

 

I did pester him for the first few days but I have stopped now. I asked him a work related question yesterday and he didn't answer, and it started the crying and desperation all over again. Not showing him that though, I am keeping it to myself this time.

 

The silent treatment is bringing up all sorts of other issues I have about abandonment and I'm just not doing well at all. I can't eat or sleep, I feel sick, and I keep beating myself up about everything.

[stillafool]

Maybe he is having second thoughts about telling you he loves you. It seems like he used any lame as$ excuse he could find to get mad and stop contact. Does he also have another girl? If I were you I would return the favor and never speak to him again.

[ThatJustHappened]

He doesn't have another girl..he offered that information, I didn't ask. I don't think he's having second thoughts about telling me he loves me, I think he does love me, but he's having second thoughts about getting back together and maybe he's hoping that if he's a big enough @sshole to me, I will dump him so he doesn't have to feel guilty. That's my guess.

 

He finally contacted me today. It's been nice enough, but stiff and cold. I've been trying to warm the conversation up but it doesn't seem to have worked so I'm giving up. I'm just backing off now. I deleted his number from my phone (I know it by heart..it happens to be very close to my number so I can't help knowing it, but having to type it out will give me time to think twice about texting him).

 

The thing is, he's never done anything like this before. When we fight, he will usually stop talking for a day at the most, then we work it out. I think he's just a wuss and he doesn't want to dump me again.

 

At this point I just want a straight answer.

[Titanwolf]

I don't like where our society is headed. The "silent treatment" has been in effect, since before it was even given a title. It's a manner of behaviour that comes naturally to some people, when they've been betrayed or hurt by someone else. I don't believe it's abuse in the slightest, neither do I think raising your voice is. I think this society is making people play victim at every opportunity they get and it's becoming annoying. There was a time where I felt that calling someone names (when those names rightly apply to them) wasn't abuse and still partially do, but now the "silent treatment is too"? good grief. The way I see it, abuse is causing someone physical harm or threatening to cause someone physical harm. All else has just been blown way out of proportion and has become far too PC to be taken seriously any more (my opinion). Unless you fear for your life, you have legs, use them to walk away. simple.

[GorillaTheater]

Under the circumstances, I'm not sure whether this is the Silent Treatment, or whether it's a straightfoward No Contact.

 

What did you say to him that set him off?

[threebyfate]

TJH, you're folding to your issues, something you're going to need to work on. In the interim, consider it from another angle. Why do you want to be with someone who's aware of your abandonment issues, who's using it against you? Imagine a lifetime of walking on eggshells with someone this cruel.

[ThatJustHappened]

TJH, you're folding to your issues, something you're going to need to work on. In the interim, consider it from another angle. Why do you want to be with someone who's aware of your abandonment issues, who's using it against you? Imagine a lifetime of walking on eggshells with someone this cruel.

 

I don't. He started talking to me again a few hours ago and I dumped him. NOW I feel better.

[ThatJustHappened]

I don't like where our society is headed. The "silent treatment" has been in effect, since before it was even given a title. It's a manner of behaviour that comes naturally to some people, when they've been betrayed or hurt by someone else. I don't believe it's abuse in the slightest, neither do I think raising your voice is. I think this society is making people play victim at every opportunity they get and it's becoming annoying. There was a time where I felt that calling someone names (when those names rightly apply to them) wasn't abuse and still partially do, but now the "silent treatment is too"? good grief. The way I see it, abuse is causing someone physical harm or threatening to cause someone physical harm. All else has just been blown way out of proportion and has become far too PC to be taken seriously any more (my opinion). Unless you fear for your life, you have legs, use them to walk away. simple.

 

So you don't believe that psychological abuse exists at all? I have to disagree with that.

[Titanwolf]

So you don't believe that psychological abuse exists at all? I have to disagree with that.

I'm saying that for many (if not most) it's blown out of proportion, to allow one person to claim victim status. How often these days, do you hear people say "my partner used to abuse me"? saying that immediately shifts responsibility towards the partner and though most are ignorant about the actual ins and outs of their relationship, they'll still assume the worst. Psychological abuse does happen, of course, but not in such minor cases people often report these days. If a man/woman constantly called their partner worthless and that they were the only person who could ever tolerate them, that would be clear psychological abuse without a doubt. But, when I hear people say things like "He/she doesn't say he/she loves me" and they label it abuse? I have to wonder how far we've fallen. I've also heard of this recent trend where withholding sex from a partner is now emotional abuse. I won't even attempt to explain the double standards there, just look at the world we live in now. I don't understand this generation's need to look for something that isn't there. sadly, I've actually seen people asking others whether certain things in their previous relationship, could be considered abuse, just to be able to become the victim and gain the consequence-free upper hand. I feel like the "silent treatment" is just one of those things. Edited September 5, 2012 by Titanwolf

[threebyfate]

I don't. He started talking to me again a few hours ago and I dumped him. NOW I feel better.

Good! That's my litmus test for people who remain close, whether they respect those vulnerabilities or not. Once they've proven themselves to be incapable of respecting mine, I also see no reason to respect theirs either.

[Anela]

Can the silent treatment be considered abuse if it's being used to psychologically torture someone who has severe abandonment issues (which the silent treatment giver is aware of)?

 

I know it's not as bad as a lot of the other stories on this part of the site, but it's making me absolutely insane and I can't take it anymore. I feel like I'm going crazy. I am anxious and terrified and I can't stop crying.

 

Someone did this to me for four months, and actually used the word "punishment" when they contacted me again. This, when all I'd done was tried to communicate clearly, and then sent them an email stating that they'd obviously changed their mind (after a week of silence), so I guessed it was "goodbye". I should never have let them back into my life - I don't remember why I did - because they hurt me even more down the line.

 

My sister has been doing this to me for months - in between shouting matches in which she has repeated really nasty things, like she's trying to program me. She knows how I've been feeling, but nothing matters except what she's trying to achieve from her emotional blackmail.