2 Weeks No Contact, hmmm

[InAFog]

Today marks the day of two weeks no contact with my ex of almost 6 years, BU 3 months ago.

 

Emotions still rage here and there. Up for a few days, down for a few days more.

 

It seems like every time i feel good for a few days I get scared. Or maybe extremely sad is a better term. That I'm letting go. So many years, so many experiences, a planned future. Its scary, and it hurts. It's so hard to let go.

 

Been thinking lately about the other losses i have had in my life. All throughout i have lost family and friends, either illnesses or tragic accidents. They have been so hard to deal with, and so life changing. But this is the hardest thing I'v ever dealt with.

 

I beat myself up over it, like it shouldn't be this hard after what i've had to deal with. But it's so much harder. Family, friends. They will always be that. My father will always be my dad, my cousin always my cousin, a closest friend - it doesn't change the relationship with death - the relationship is still there. And now... what is the relationship? It was everything for years, so close, best friends, lovers... and now it's gone??

 

When they die, there is no question of NC. They ARE NOT HERE. But now... he is here. In the same town, with other people, going on with his life, like I was nothing. The relationship is changed, gone. Mind blowing.

 

I want to be able to love him and the life we shared in the future. But now it seems so impossible. I know that time will heal, it already has. A little. I hope i can love him then. I hope i can love that time of my life that is gone. I hope I can finally let go without reeling all back in at the breaking point. I hope we all do.

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Just a rant

[TaraMaiden]

Here's something I do NOT understand.

No, I have broken up a few times with men, in the past. Sometimes them, sometimes me...

I'm still here to tell the tale, happily - but here's what I don't get...

Why the hell keep tabs on the break-up day/No Contact day? Why the "It's two weeks today"....?

 

I'm of the opinion it does more harm than good.

 

 

So it's two weeks... so what?

I mean, doesn't that pull on the heart? Keeping tabs on the actual day/hour/minute your heart got broken?

 

Sometimes, the period of time since break up exceeds the period of time people were together... and they still keep count!

 

My suggestion would be to stop ticking off the days that way.

 

Turn it around - and consider that this is 2 weeks into your new life, and things unfolding for you, opening into brand-new wonders....

 

It just seems entirely counter-productive and self-sabotaging.

[InAFog]

Sheez. think i don't want to?

 

My head can think totally rationally. I know it's over, i know he's no good.

I know my future has drastically changed. But i also...

 

I also know i'm homeless, and moneyless and that that kind of situation will play on the "if only'/'what if" mentality. I know it isn't about him. That lines are so blurred betwee him and just my loss of everything, that he has nothing to do wtith.

 

I "know" he's bad. I "know" he was a safety net. but i also know i loved him. and wanted a future together. i wannted to mean something to him. I wanted to "save" him.

 

Bugger.

 

I know TM that you are wise. You have fantastic advise. But none of of us are machines. WE FEEL!!!

 

We hurt. Our feelings, our pride, our hearts. These emotions aren't mechanical, turn off - turn on - as easy as that would be.

 

We feel. We hurt.

No matter what logic says.

 

It does not apply at times like these.

 

And no matter how bad i DO hurt, I am at least glad that i can...

[TaraMaiden]

Sheez. think i don't want to?

 

My head can think totally rationally. I know it's over, i know he's no good.

I know my future has drastically changed. But i also...

 

I also know i'm homeless, and moneyless and that that kind of situation will play on the "if only'/'what if" mentality. I know it isn't about him. That lines are so blurred betwee him and just my loss of everything, that he has nothing to do wtith.

 

I "know" he's bad. I "know" he was a safety net. but i also know i loved him. and wanted a future together. i wannted to mean something to him. I wanted to "save" him.

 

Bugger.

 

I know TM that you are wise. You have fantastic advise. But none of of us are machines. WE FEEL!!!

You kinda make it sound like I don't, or never have.

Of course it takes discipline.

Enormous discipline, and practice.

 

 

We hurt. Our feelings, our pride, our hearts. These emotions aren't mechanical, turn off - turn on - as easy as that would be.

 

We feel. We hurt.

No matter what logic says.

 

It does not apply at times like these.

Actually, this is precisely when you have to cut through the emotional fog and apply logic.

Because otherwise, if you apply emotion, to emotion, it just makes more mess.

Look, you admitted it yourself, here....

 

I also know i'm homeless, and moneyless and that that kind of situation will play on the "if only'/'what if" mentality. I know it isn't about him. That lines are so blurred betwee him and just my loss of everything, that he has nothing to do wtith.

 

I "know" he's bad. I "know" he was a safety net. but i also know i loved him. and wanted a future together. i wannted to mean something to him. I wanted to "save" him.

 

The healthy thing to do is to 'stand back' metaphorically speaking, and observe your thought-train. Because it's running away from you.

 

Apply the brakes.

 

Consider what is logical, and what you have fabricated by applying more emotion on top of it.

See what is true fact, and where your mental machinations of story-telling, are merely adding fuel to the fire.

 

The break up - was painful. Going no contact - was painful.

Everything you're piling on top - makes it triply painful - and its unnecessary weight.

Stand in front of a mirror, relax your shoulders, stand straight, and out loud, declare the following:

 

"We've broken up. Loads of people break up.

But I'm a survivor, and I'm getting through this."

 

And mean it.

Every time your mind takes you off-track, focus, and say that to yourself.

Then deal with the practical.

Moneyless, homeless.

I've been there, and I understand the hollow fear of uncertainty, and the desperate tunnel it can take you down.

But I'm still here, and so are you.

That - in and of itself - is a positive thing, if ever there was one.

 

And no matter how bad i DO hurt, I am at least glad that i can...

If you honestly implying by that, that I can't feel, you have never been more mistaken, than now.

It is by applying logic to the irrational, that feelings - true, honest, deep and genuine feelings - are honoured and respected.

Get rid of the confusing dross, and feelings are noble.

[InAFog]

I was not implying that to you.

It was directed at him. Or i guess anyone who just buries their emotions in hard times instead of feeling and dealing with them.

[Frank13]

Here's something I do NOT understand.

No, I have broken up a few times with men, in the past. Sometimes them, sometimes me...

I'm still here to tell the tale, happily - but here's what I don't get...

Why the hell keep tabs on the break-up day/No Contact day? Why the "It's two weeks today"....?

 

 

I think for some people it is a goal to help keep them NC. First it is a day, then a week, then a month. They think "gee, I have made it a month, I will try for two".

 

Whatever helps them is good.

 

With me when we would break up and I hoped to get back I did keep track for reasons I don't even really know. Once I knew we didn't have a future I broke up with her and didn't bother to count.

[TaraMaiden]

I was not implying that to you.

It was directed at him. Or i guess anyone who just buries their emotions in hard times instead of feeling and dealing with them.

Oh, I see...

Okay, sorry for jumping to that conclusion.....

 

How you feeling now....?

[InAFog]

Unfortunately - pretty shi**y.

Yesterday was a hard day and today hasn't started off too well either.

Hopefully it will get better as the day goes on.