I cheated, I want her back so bad

[tpandrews]

OK guys I stumbled across this site on google and it seems to be one of the few offering genuine advice rather than trying to sell you a method of getting her back.

 

Here's my story.

 

I won't go in to too much detail of the history but we (Sarah & I) were living together, she decided she wanted more space because I worked from home. I moved out, we stayed together and sorted ourselves out. When I moved out, i thought it was the end and I was really down. We had pre-booked tickets to a comedy gig at the end of the week that I moved out so we decided we would still go to that to see if anything was still there.

 

I'm usually a really confident guy but this girl really pegged me down a bit. She was a challenge, she was adventurous, she was smart. Everything I never had before and I loved every second. Anyway so I'm getting ready for the 'date' with this girl at the comedy gig around a friends house. A friend of his wife (Simone) has seen me before and she added me on facebook. She messages me and starts subtly flirting. I think to myself, "Hey it's only facebook messages, I could use this as an opportunity to build up my confidence again for tonight". So I carried on and used her as a 'guinea pig' flirt to see what worked and what didn't. Things went pretty far but were left on facebook, no physical contact.

 

Anyway Sarah & I go out on this date and everything went really well. We were getting on and everyone involved was happy. The conversation flowed and all the negativity that surrounded us had disappeared. Really, we just moved in together too soon so we were getting a chance to date. I got a bit drunk and couldn't drive myself home so she offered me to stay. I said I didn't want to jump back in to bed with her at the sniff of a chance so I said I would sleep on the sofa. Trying to gain brownie points!!

 

Anyway a couple of days later, this Simone gets in touch again. This time I was drunk after a looooong day out with my dad. I suggested we swapped photos. We did, the next morning I woke up and saw all of this. Deleted the photo's instantly and told her that I didn't want to wreck anything with Sarah because I loved her and I was happy and politely asked her to leave me alone.

 

The next night I'm at hockey training, it gets late and I was too tired to drive the hour back to mine. I call Sarah and ask if it's ok to sleep on her sofa again. She said yeah no worries. Cool so i go over there, meet up with her from her work and we stay up chatting. This was the night where everything started to really get back on track, we were better than we had ever been. Whilst we're talking, the laptop is next to us open. While we're talking Simone messages me, the messages all popped up clear as day for Sarah to see. She was devastated. I knew she was fiery but this was a whole new level. Anyway I'll spare you the details but we broke up that night which was Wednesday.

 

The following Monday I went round to talk to her after everything had calmed down a bit and wrote her a 5 page letter explaining everything that led up to that moment. What was going on in my head and where I thought we were. She read it and she began to come around. We had a drink (again, I don't have a drink problem, honest!) I started cooking dinner, she approached me and said we should stay friends. Then she suggested friends with benefits. I wasn't sure, I wanted a relationship back and for me that's not just sex. She was pretty 'persuasive' shall we say and I ended up spending the night. We had a great night don't get me wrong, we got on fine, it was a lot better than I was expecting the night to turn out like.

 

Ok so now every Wednesday I stay round there but on the sofa and we speak on the phone every now & then. Sometimes I see her at weekends and if i do then we usually sleep together. I gave her my facebook login details which isn't exactly healthy but I just said to her,

 

"You have them now, if you want to use them then do so, if not you don't have to. I'm never going to know if you've logged on or not so it makes no difference to me. I'm going to be faithful 'friends'."

 

I stayed around there Saturday just gone and I'll be going around tonight. Saturday just gone we had a really good time, I even got a kiss goodbye in the morning which hasn't happened since we split. I thought we were really making progress, then when I called her last night she told me that I can't call her every night because she isn't my girlfriend any more.

 

OK that's us up to date, sorry it's so long. I just wanted to give as much detail as possible so you can give more informed advice. What's my next step? Thanks for reading.

[road]

The only smart thing you have done was to give your GF your log in info. Those that have nothing to hide, hide nothing.

 

You left out that did the new girl ever try to contact you again after you gave your GF your log in info?

 

Also after telling this new girl you don't want to have contact with her any more did you block her? Big mistake if you did not.

 

As to your GF, do you want to see her or not? Don't play power games.

 

I see your GF saying don't call every day you're not my BF to mean many things. I'll take it her as telling you to dump or get off the bowl.

 

So if you want to be her BF tell her that and if she wants the same you are willing but will not up with any power games if she wants to be your GF.

That there is no room for power games in a healthy relationship.

[tpandrews]

Road thanks for the reply

 

Simone hasn't tried to contact me since I gave my gf the log in info. I unfriended her on fb.

 

I want to see her more than she wants to see me, I'm incredibly clingy and I'm trying to keep that side of me away.

 

She knows I want to get back together, I have told her this on many occassions. I have also stated however that I don't want to force her to come back to me and that it is on her terms as to whether we do or not.

 

I'm not trying to play any power games. I don't want to trick her in to getting back with me I just want her to want it too.

 

I guess what I'm trying to do is regain a little trust, find something to build on. I buy her flowers quite regularly, I used to text or call every day just to see how she is and tell her what I am doing. It felt like I was making progress until that phone call last night so i have left her alone since.

[tpandrews]

I'm still open for your opinions guys, I'm seeing her tonight. Leaving in just under 2 hours. Need as much help as I can get!! How can I make it clear what she means to me? I've told her but I want to do something that really proves it

[Sebastian76]

You are in dangerous waters mate!

 

I have read too many stories like this one here on LS, and they very often ends very abruptly. Just when the guy thinks things are working out, the girl dumps him flat. I think the biggest problem is that she has all the power, and knows it, which in turn makes her loose attraction or allows her to get extremely selfish. You don't want to play power games, I understand that. Just don't be surprised if that is what happens. The alternative is cutting contact with her, saying that you can't stay in this limbo state forever and since it is going nowhere, you need to get on with your life. This inflicts a loss for her (you) and forces her to actually make a decision, whether to leave you for good or to get back for good. I don't know all the answers, it is a very tricky situation and the only time I've come out on top, was when I said stop don't want to see you anymore like this, and she came back three weeks later having made up her mind to get back together (I never should have accepted by the way).

[navyblueskies]

tpandrews:

 

You're going to have to be more assertive and more persistent if you want her back. Women are like fragile deer. One wrong move and they may change their mind, and leave you for good. If I were you I would play the "ultimatum card" and let her know your true feelings. Be like, "Listen, I know I've made a big mistake, but I don't want to be with Simone at all. You're the one I'm waiting for. I can't just be your friend and have benefits" (because by saying that, you're placing really high value on her; it's evident that she's slightly insecure about her self worth in this situation). Tell her you can't take this anymore. Let her know that you truly care about her. Make sure you catch her off guard too. Get her alone in a room with candles or on a balcony, because "mood" to women is everything. Atmosphere and timing changes everything. Let her know that you're not fine about the friends situation, and that she's truly worth it. Say you'll do anything to get you guys back together, but she needs to comply. Don't let walk on you for this one. Make her give you the chance. It's the only way it will work. While you do it, make Simone sound like the most insignificant thing that could matter. Don't reveal to this women you're feeling about Simone. Just downplay Simone into this tiny will fly (and don't bring Simone up either). Everything will be just fine. She has to give you a second chance. If she doesn't, then she's not even worth it to you, buddy.

[tpandrews]

Thanks guys. Some really good responses there. Last night we shared a bed which was the first time that's ever happened on wednesday!! We didn't have sex but she cuddled up to me all night. In the morning there was a little light foreplay. She wasn't feeling very well so I cleaned the house and did all the chores for her. Before I left I turned to her and said, "Listen before I go, I don't mind staying your secret but I feel like we're really making progress and I want more, I want us back to being us." She couldn't get out of the bed quick enough and told me that she knows I want us to be together again but it's only been two weeks, and that she's not sure if she ever wants me back again.

 

She's never forgiven any of her past guys for anything like this. But on the same merit she has also never been in contact with them after they have done it. So by that I can see that I am one step up on them. I checked in my security settings on fb and you can see where you're logged in. I've noticed she's been logging in as me most nights since I gave her the info. For me this all points to the theory that she is still interested but needs to make up her mind.

 

OK so when I left this morning it's to go and see my daughter for the weekend. I pulled over to text her:

 

Hey I've been thinking on my drive and yeah maybe I do want more but **** it. I'm a man, I can handle it. So if we're gonna stay friends with benefits I was thinking maybe our texts should reflect it, **** all the soppy serious **** that's gone before. **I'll leave out the rest of that message because it gets a bit personal

 

I got a positive response to that. I realise I'm digging myself further in to a hole but I got to thinking. I want this girl to be happy. This way I still have some form of a relationship with her. If she finds another guy that makes her happy, then fine. In the meantime, I will do all I can to demonstrate my trustworthiness and general worth to her life. I don't want to force her hand with the ultimatum because I know that will see the end, she'll go off and replace the lust she has for me now with a string of other guys. That's my opinion at least, be great to hear what you guys think.

[Sameold]

Yeh dude that doesn't sound like a good plan, you clearly like this girl but you are fast turning in to her puppy whereas she will be looking for a lion to tame. I'm sure the sex is fun but you obviously want more. You really need to make a stand and tell her you won't be this thing in her life, you need it all or nothing. For all you know she is probably doing the same thing with others or perhaps dating them more seriously.

 

Please don't start "talking dirty", you will cheapen yourself and whilst you might get a flirty text back it will mean nothing. The guy that gets her forever is strong, independent and would certainly not get used for sex, do you have the advice now, go be the man and man up!

[tpandrews]

You're right. The irritating thing is that I need her place to crash every Wednesday night, I have nowhere else to go.

 

I spoke to her last night on the phone. She said 'it's a shame the trust has gone'. Now I take this one of two ways. The defeatist in me says that means it's gone, it's over the best you can hope for is your current friends with benefits relationship. The optimist in me says she thinks it's a shame so maybe there's something there to build on.

 

I'm beginning to think about giving her this ultimatum and then space and not going over so much. She'll probably sleep with a couple of guys, I'll concede that. But maybe, just maybe she'll start to miss me. The problem is that she's too stubborn to admit if she missed me or not.

 

Today, after saying about staying friends with benefits I realised that's exactly what I don't want. She hasn't answered my texts or calls all day, I think she's going out tonight and I think it may be make or break. She used to go out and come back home early because she said she wanted to come home to her 'gorgeous man'........... Hold on just had a call from her, she's ill and left her phone at home all day while she was out eventing on her horse.

 

My judgement is clearly well off with this girl. I keep expecting the worst from her but maybe those feelings are still there. I just need to regain the trust. Everything about our relationship is still there, we talk great, we get along fine. We're really loving when in each others company. I NEED to regain that trust, I know I was the one that effed up but it's there, the foundations are there. I know it's going to take time, what else can I do to regain it?

[tpandrews]

ok just a quick update of the texts from today, I took the advice that the flirty texts are just devaluing me.

 

ME: Hey, what you doing? Got Flissy (my daughter) on my own tonight! Wish me luck!! xx

 

SARAH: Hi I'm eating pizza and catching up on tv, full of cold but bored! Good luck xx

 

ME: I'm bored too! Is Sadie (her niece) about? I know I said sod the soppy stuff but I haven't managed to get you out my head!! xx

 

SARAH: Yeah sat next to me we're stuffing our faces!! She's going out at 11! U ok x

 

ME: 11?! She couldn't do that tomorrow night eh!! Yeah... I'm ok. I know you're not feeling very well amd I'll come and look after you tomorrow and most of Monday if you'll have me. In return all I ask is we can talk, sound fair? xx

 

SARAH: Ok hun see you tomorrow xx

 

Forgive me if I'm way off the mark here but if you read between the lines there do you think she's starting to come around? I know I'm forever the optimist but I have to be in order to keep myself from entering a state of depression!!

[Sameold]

You send the first text, she responds but without a question. You start bringing things up and get serious about "talking" and she just says "ok hun".

 

It's up to you what you do mate but in all honesty it looks like she has ALL the power. She doesn't hate you or anything but it sounds like shes happy to keep you dangling and yet for all you know she could be seeing someone else. It is a really bad idea for a relationship to dissolve and then become FWB. She knows you want more and she isn't giving it so by continuing in this fashion really you must be just holding out hope that in time she will get fed up of being single and go back to the easy, familiar option. Is that really how you want her back?

 

You seem to be chipping away at your own integrity and self-respect. At the moment you are her sex toy and not much more...maybe someone she can chat too. Calling someone "hun" is sounds quite platonic too....

 

You need to make a stand but I fear you wont and so your destiny shall be shaped by your short term desires rather than the long game.

[tpandrews]

Thanks for your input Sameold.

 

I had a chat with her and expressed my concerns I was cheapening myself. We stayed up chatting, no sexual activity just talking. She told me that she missed me but trust is a very hard thing to regain. I said to her that in order to regain her trust, first she has to let me.

 

We went to bed together and cuddled. Once I thought she was asleep I kissed her shoulder and whispered, "I love you". She turned to me with a smile, kissed me and said, "give me time and this could work, I can't make you any promises Tris because you really hurt me but I want to forgive you. Goodnight"

 

I'm starting to get ahead of myself but I think this might just work out yet. I've kept an eye on her facebook and a dating site she registered on after her ex before me. When we first broke up she was messaging guys left, right and centre. Some from her past, some new. Since we've become 'fwb' all those messages have stopped. She hasn't contacted anyone.

 

I hope this is the start of a happy ending, I know I'm a long way from safety yet and I'm just trying not to get carried away. thanks everyone for your posts up to now, been really helpful

[tpandrews]

Hi everyone. Just a quick note to say thank you for all your help. We're back together and stronger than ever

[nofool4u]

Hi everyone. Just a quick note to say thank you for all your help. We're back together and stronger than ever

 

So you think. You really think she is more in love with you than before and that she has forgotten about what you did?

 

Sorry, and believe me, she hasn't forgotten what you did and she DOES think about it. Thats not stronger. It may appear to be on the surface and she just bottles up any feelings of your betrayal.

 

You really think she is just a-ok with things and forgot about what you did? If you do think that, I can see how you would think its stronger. But trust me, it isn't stronger for her.

 

Can it be good again? Sure, that will be up to her. But stronger? Don't kid yourself.