Lauren83 Posted July 20, 2004 Share Posted July 20, 2004 I have the hardest time keeping guys as friends and I'm really having a difficult time understanding why! I'm not a very flirty girl, but I'm not a total jock or anything like that. I'm really into art and music, so those things take up a lot of my time. Along with school (I'm in college). I am girlie (and dress girlie), but not over the top. And I think I'm an attractive person, inside and out. I'm always nice to everyone, and talk to pretty much everyone. I don't act differently in the beginning of the friendship and then all of the sudden start coming onto these guys (like some girls I know). I truly just want to be friends! Is that too much to ask? It's really hard for me to find other girls who play guitar, so I like to play with the guys and talk about music with them. It's a great way to learn new things. But, my problem is this.... every time I start to become close friends with a guy, they just stop talking to me. I thought it was a one time thing, but it's happened to me twice in the past year alone! We start talking a lot and hanging out a couple times each month (sometimes more) and then something happens. They stop making the first move, so to speak, with the calling and e-mailing. Whenever I call, they're really short and don't talk very long. And then we progress to just talking once a month and hardly ever seeing each other!! Can anyone explain this to me? The most recent guy is a musician, who I've been helping promote and set up shows for. When he first stopped talking to me, I was worried that he might have thought I was an obsessed fan or something, but I do this for a lot of different bands in town, and I never give him extra special attention or anything like that. I'm helpful and polite, but I don't follow him around like a groupie or anything! And I definitely don't act or dress like one! But the past week, he booked a show in town and didn't ask me to help like I usually do. He didn't even tell me about the show - his manager did! And I haven't talked to him since the show has been booked. I spoke to his friend on the phone today (another musician that I'm helping) and he told me that this guy isn't a vegetarian anymore. It really shocked me because I'm a vegetarian, and we used to always talk about why we didn't eat meat and things like that. He seemed very sincere at the time, and I just can't believe he'd abandon all of those beliefs in such a short period of time! What is going on with him?! I could really use some help here. I need to know if it's something I'm doing or if I'm just picking the wrong guys?! Thanks in advance! Lauren Link to post Share on other sites
InmannRoshi Posted July 21, 2004 Share Posted July 21, 2004 You said yourself that its hard to find girls who are into the things you're into. So I imagine you would be quite a rare catch for any guy who's into those things too. I was a computer science major and my classes were literally about 95% male. There was one girl who was in our core cirriculum classes, as far as physical appearance goes she was about a 6 on a scale of 1 to 10, but you would have thought she was Pamela Anderson the way the guys fell for her. All she had to do was be nice to them, and she had the guys wrapped around her finger ... most of them had never experienced a girl being nice to them before. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lauren83 Posted July 21, 2004 Author Share Posted July 21, 2004 Originally posted by InmannRoshi You said yourself that its hard to find girls who are into the things you're into. So I imagine you would be quite a rare catch for any guy who's into those things too. I was a computer science major and my classes were literally about 95% male. There was one girl who was in our core cirriculum classes, as far as physical appearance goes she was about a 6 on a scale of 1 to 10, but you would have thought she was Pamela Anderson the way the guys fell for her. All she had to do was be nice to them, and she had the guys wrapped around her finger ... most of them had never experienced a girl being nice to them before. Thanks! That's really sweet of you to say. I think it's really dumb that girls weren't nice to you and your classmates because of your chosen major or because of physical appearances. I'll talk to anyone and everyone, as long as they're nice to me. In high school, I had some friends who were "popular" and, because of my looks, people put me into their group as well. But, they didn't understand why I was nice to everyone. I'm just not the type of person who goes around thinking she's better than anyone else because of physical appearance or anything superficial like that. Anyway.....I appreciate your response, but do you have any idea why these guys are acting so weird? Lauren Link to post Share on other sites
InmannRoshi Posted July 21, 2004 Share Posted July 21, 2004 A lot depends on the individual, but many young guys get really weird about rejection. Just like playing the guitar, it takes a while to build up your calluses. Until then, its kind of messy, raw and painfull. Its not your fault, and its something that they need to go through to function properly through the rest of their lives. Rite of passage, if you will. Link to post Share on other sites
dudesomewhere Posted July 21, 2004 Share Posted July 21, 2004 the 2 can mess with each other that said, let's work on the statement and I'll try to keep my rambling short. It's all about the numbers game, there are less genuine people than there are true people in the world, and that applies to any sex and any circumsstance. Whether they be friend or otherwise. That said, working on your content...things can go any number of ways. Guys could be "changing" because they realize you only want to be friends whereas they are the typical "just want sex" guy. It could be a rare situation that they really do like you as a friend but they may get a sense that "she's just nice to everybody...she doesn't really like me, so what's the point?" I know I will often times look at life that way. I make my life special, at least in my eyes...I don't spread myself thin...I don't do the same things for everybody. The things I do will seem rare and unique because that is how TRUE they are to me. A good friend will know, just by witnessing, that what I do for them I do for them only and not every single sub stranger I meet. I do things to make sure someone knows I value them and look at them uniquely. But again, that is rare...I just provide that just in case. I will tell you though, that I have stopped talking to girls "all of a sudden" but it's based on circumstance and not some kind of phobia. Based on the type of guy I am, if I discover a person is a certain way I'll walk another way so to speak. Me and a girl I knew used to talk until I found out she was looking to cheat on her fiancee...from that moment on I ignored her. Not saying this is your situation but sometimes people can turn away based on differing ideas and beliefs. Life is complex ain't it? Link to post Share on other sites
SnowWhite Posted July 21, 2004 Share Posted July 21, 2004 Well theres lots of reasons that this guy coulda stopped talking to you Not all friendships are made to last forever. Maybe there was something about your personalitys that just didn't mesh with him. I hate to say this but somethings can annoy other people even without you knowing it. In my case if someone is overpeppy or overfriendly for prolonged periods of time, I feel like I'm getting a sugar cavity. I'm not saying this is the case with you at all but I have stopped talking to people when parts of their personality has just worked my last nerve. Maybe he got the feeling that you liked him and rather than lead you on he decided to stop talking to you all together. A few of my guy friends will usually duck and cover and even be rude to a girl if they think she has feelings for them and it isn't mutual. It doesn't sound like you have trouble making friends so I don't think it should be a big deal for you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lauren83 Posted July 21, 2004 Author Share Posted July 21, 2004 dudesomewhere - Thanks for your response! You made some excellent points. Especially about spreading yourself too thin. I really need to work on that one. And I didn't mean that I treat everyone the exact same all the time. I do special things for my close friends. I just meant that when I'm working with a lot of bands/musicians at once, I don't do one special thing for one and not the others, because the others would feel left out. And then the person you did something special for might (and usually does) think you're just trying to get close to him because he's famous. It's tough to be a girl, working in the music industry. Especially if you're not into the whole groupie mentality!! You have to work extra hard to make sure they see you for who you are and not what you are! Anyway... The point you made about differing ideas and beliefs is a great one. I actually think this might be my problem! A lot of the musicians I become friends with, including the guy I mentioned above, drink beer after the show or go out to clubs. They're not alcoholics or anything, but I just don't drink at all, and I'm not really into going to clubs (unless it's to see a band), so I'm sure that makes them feel a little uncomfortable around me. Maybe they think that my standards and morals are too high for them to live up to? I don't know. I really appreciate your reply! Thanks again! SnowWhite - Thanks! You also made some excellent points that really got me thinking. I admit that sometimes I can be overly friendly, and that probably does annoy some people. I'm not cheerleader peppy though! I'm actually very laid back. But I'm not sure if this is the case with him, because we always get along really, really well when we're together. What you said about him thinking I like him as more than a friend might be possible. I really don't think I was sending any "more than friendly" vibes his direction, but if he thought I was, he should just ask me about it!! I'll never understand why guys avoid such simple things, like asking a girl what's up. We don't mind. In fact, we'd welcome it. And why do they get freaked out whenever we ask them questions like that? I guess I'll never understand. You're right about the making friends thing. There are other guys out there. I just wanted to figure out if things got weird because of something I'm doing or if it's something they're doing. Thanks again for your help! Link to post Share on other sites
Tech76 Posted July 28, 2004 Share Posted July 28, 2004 My best friend is an ex girl friend. She called me after a couple of years. We have been best friends for over 15 years. I recently meet her new husband. I would not hesitate to call her if I needed help. Link to post Share on other sites
Dork Posted August 6, 2004 Share Posted August 6, 2004 I don't like making friends that are indiscriminate on making a whole bunch of friends or is super friendly to everyone. It's not a jealousy issue or anything but I'd think the person has serious self-esteem issues and has to be nice to everyone in order to make friends or has to be with people when going out is truly lame. Link to post Share on other sites
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