Telling a Friend I'm Attracted to Her

[Temujen]

I have a friend whom I met 2 years ago as a coworker, it was instant chemistry, unfortunately I was with that ex-a**h***, so I never got the chance to see if we could have been together. To this day I have remained extremely attracted to her, mentally and physically, I've never liked somebody on this level before so naturally I'm scared things won't work out. I always dreamed of being with this friend, always, and now that I'm single I want something to happen badly. I cut contact with the 2 months ago, but we broke up 7 months ago, and she left me battered and broken and extremely hurt. I'm extremely defensive now after being hurt from my last relationship, this friend does not know I like her, but I want her to know now. For several months I was not ready to take that gamble and tell her I like her, because telling her has the potential for rejection, but I will not wait any longer, I have to tell her now and I will accept rejection should that happen. I do not know if she likes me, but I do know that we are extremely flirty and we've both said things to each other that hint we like each other. So, I want to make a move now, but I don't know where, when, or the words. I'll find the words, but I don't know where or when. Hell, I'll make them actions, I just need her to know now, and I need to know if she likes me.

 

So what do I do? Do I tell her? Do I show her? Do I ask her if she likes me? I'm kind of lost because I haven't had to do this in 4+ years...I'm really out of the loop. I'm scared of doing this because she has told me stories of her other guy friends that have made moves on her and told her they like her, and she didn't like that because it killed their friendship. I'm willing to take that chance now, how do I approach taking this to the next level?

 

In your opinion, are actions or words better? Normally I don't take action unless it was said in words...in any case, how would you do this? Is there any surefire way of knowing if she likes me?

[Temujen]

PS. She has said things that opened the door for me, I was just a coward to walk in because of the fear the door would slam shut in my face, just like it did with my ex 7 months ago.

 

I made the decision that next time one of these topics come up I'm going to try and get on the topic of our feelings for each other, I just don't know where or when or the words...although I'm starting to think that this kind of thing cannot be planned, and I will have to act on a spontaneous opportunity. With that said, can I make an opportunity rather than wait for our conversation to go in that direction?

[Curt]

Make the opportunity my man!

 

Be direct. It's the best way to go I think.

 

If you want, you could always preface with the idea that you know she has been disappointed in the past by some guy friends telling her that they liked her in more than a "friends" way, but, even knowing that, if you don't let her know the way you feel about her, you would never forgive yourself.

 

Some things just have to be said, even at the risk of being misunderstood or misinterpreted. Audre Lorde said that, and I think the idea is golden.

 

Be aware that she may be just as upset with you for bringing it up.

 

Even so, would you be able to live year after year, not having let her know how much you care for her?

 

I think not.

 

Go for broke. But be prepared for the rejection should it occur.

 

PLUS, Keep us informed. For reasons that I shall not go into, I am interested in how it goes for you.

 

Curt

[Temujen]

I have a handful of reasons to make me think she likes me. I will go for broke and I'll take that chance. Unfortunately I kind of need a girls perspective on this, I'm not quite sure how they would like situations like this to progress. I probably won't have another opportunity until I ask her to hang out, which won't be for another 2 weeks.

[lorbies]

You said you wanted a girl's perspective so here you go. Girls usually like it when guys stop playing games and are upfront with how they are really feeling. If you think about it the absolute worst thing that could possibly happen is that she could say no. Its bad, but its not the end of the world.

 

Just go for it! You don't want to look back on this 10 years from now and wonder if your life would have been different had you taken this opportunity. Good Luck!

[clia]

I'm in this situation right now, and I'll tell you what my guy friend (now my boyfriend) did:

 

One night when we were out together, as friends, he casually said "I would like to take you out on a date." I was really shocked because I didn't know he liked me that way...so I stammered for a minute and said "A real date?" And he said "Yes. Think about it."

 

So, I thought about it, because of all the normal issues -- do I feel that way about him? What if it blows up in our face and we lose our friendship? Etc...

 

Whenever he saw me after that, he'd say "I still want to take you out on that date." I kind of hemmed and hawed because of the aforementioned reasons.

 

Then I talked to my mom (who always has the best advice) and as I was describing him and talking about him, she said "Umm...isn't he everything you are looking for?" And it hit me -- he was! Duh!

 

So, we went out on that date, and are happily exclusive boyfriend/girlfriend now. And it is fabulous!

 

Anyway, here's my advice:

 

1. Casually say something to her that you want to move it up to the next level. Don't get into some big talk about it -- just say it and let her think about it. (Or maybe if she's smarter than me she will leap into your arms and declare her love for you in return!) I wouldn't go in for a kiss or anything before asking her about it and getting the "all signs are go" signal.

 

2. If she does say yes and wants to date, your relationship has to change. You are no longer "buddies." When you take her out on a date, take her out on a date. Do not take her out as "buds" to hang out. Although I've known my boyfriend for three years, we've only been dating six weeks, so we act as if we have been dating six weeks, not three years. (Does that make sense?) It's important to pace it as you would any other relationship, but it is much harder since you already know each other and it's tempting to dive in headfirst.

 

3. More importantly, as my mom said -- if she's worth it, just take the risk. Anything can happen.

[Temujen]

Oh she is totally worth the risk, she is downright the most beautiful girl I've ever met, and I don't mean on the outside. God broke the mold after he made this girl. Hence my anxiety, nothing would make me happier than to have things work out with this girl.

[ChonChon]

Dude, this sounds just like my dilemna. I just can't play the charade anymore. Keep us updated please.

[Curt]

NOW.... that makes it unanimous both from the male and female perspectives.

 

SO....

 

[color=red]Go Get Her Tiger!!!!![/color]

 

Keep us appraised of the situation.

[Temujen]

Well I'm going to let her know next time we are hanging out and it feels right...so I'll either tell her or she will know via my actions. I thought of cutting to the chase and just calling her and asking her on a date, but I thought that might be too forthcomming and that may put her on the spot.

 

Is this right or wrong: If she digs me, wouldn't she hit on me and have let me know...I don't know. I'm scared that she might not consider me anything more than a friend because we've been friends for 2 years, and if she would consider me as something more than she would flirt with me more.

 

I don't know and I won't know what will happen till we hang out. I'll call her next Tues or Wed and ask if she wants to go to the bar with some friends, or at least hang out doing something. Things will get silly, like they always do, and I'll probably make it known then and there.

[Temujen]

It's been several months since I posted this thread, and I have an update so I thought it was time to revisit this thread and let everybody know how things turned out.

 

Around the time that I posted this thread I had almost given up on this girl. I was fed up with nothing happening and I realized that if I kept hanging out with her "as friends" then that's all we would ever be. So I gave up, stopped calling her, stopped hanging out with her, stopped returning her phone calls. I figured I would give her another try come September.

 

Well September came and she came back to my University, so I knew I had to deal with her come September. I kind of ignored her for the first week or two of school, and she eventually asked me why I was doing so. Well I gave her a call 2.5-3 weeks ago and told her everything. I told her exactly how I felt about her in the past and the reason I had to put some distance between us was because I didn't want to develop feelings for her again and be let down because we were just friends. Well she said she never felt for me the same way because I had a girlfriend for 4 years, and I only knew her for 2.5 of those 4 years. She never thought of me as more than a friend because I always had somebody. Well we didn't talk for a week after that call, and then we started talking again. I felt good, I told her how I felt, she may not have felt the same way, but at least I knew she knew and she could do what she will with the information I told her. Flirting began, the uncomfortable phone conversation was ignored, and I thought maybe she would come around, so I asked her to the bar last week, she never showed. ****, I gave up, that was it, I told her how I felt and the flirting ensued and she didn't take the bait. Oh well.

 

Then there was last week, the week after that incident. The flirting intensified at school, so much that half a dozen people even pointed it out to me, or her, or us. Well this was good, so I asked her to the bar again, she turned me down, **** ****! Well I got fed up because I felt led on. So I kind of got peeved and I stood up and just told her "Look, I'm going to be at the bar tonight and I'd really like you to come, if so cool, if not I'll see ya later." I just walked away, that night I went to the bar with one mission, to get smashed with my friends. Well that night she walked in, she came alone, my friends were going crazy, I had given up at that point so I didn't give a ****. I got pretty drunk, she had a few drinks. By the time we left the bar she was all over me and we were making out. Finally what a happy turn of events this is!

 

So she finally warmed up to me, and although she said she never thought of me as more than a friend I think she lied. I think she just needed to hear it from me first. So I'm going to ask her to come out again this week, and if things go good I'll ask to take her out next week for a good time. Unfortunately we work and go to school together, so I see her everyday, I hope she doesn't get sick of me or things get weird. Since our first kiss I haven't asked her how she feels, or what it meant. I'm not sure I want to ask because I'm afraid of what the answer might be, good or bad. I don't know. I just want to repeat last week because it was what I was waiting for for years...and I was so ****ing drunk I can barely remember kissing her. :-(

 

Temujen

 

PS. I learned one thing in the past few months. If you want to win big you have to risk big. I was afraid of risking our friendship, but it was worth it. So I guess I'll sum this up with a quote from The Shawkshank Redemption: "Fear can hold you prisoner. Hope can set you free. Hope is a good thing, maybe the best of things, and no good thing ever dies. Unfortunately hope is a dangerous thing, it can drive a man insane."