Abuse

[steve101]

Hello to all I am a loving husband to my beautiful Wife and 3 young lovely children. The last 8 months has been rough. My Wife wanted her own room so basically I sleep on the floor in my daughters room. We haven't slept together for around 7-8 months. It is killing me everyday as to what is going on. I have been a bit persistent and yes maybe at it allot as to what can be done. Well just the other day I managed to get some information from my Wife. By the way we have been married for 8 years. She has never told anyone this. At the age of 6years, 11years and 18 years someone had touched her where they shouldn't of. It was hard for my Wife to tell me this and as she is telling me this she is telling me don't ask anything please. I just listened to what she had to say. I did ask one thing was it the same person for those times. She said no it was 2 different people and don't ask me anymore please. I told her I feel so proud that you told me this.You have done nothing wrong you are beautiful. Thank you. I left it at that. I am in so much need for my Wife and I to be close again and I don't just mean intimate it is more to do with just holding each other and being close to one another. I am the kind of person that doesn't like to leave things the way they are and think they will sort themselves out because they normally don't. It is very hard to talk to her as she feels I am been pushy. She did tell me a couple of months ago that she saw me as a best friend. Just in the last few days it has come down to some conversation about all this and I have told her that I want what we had back. She tells me I am happy to be with you and kids in the same house. The kids will see there Mum and Dad together. I told her that yeah children aren't silly. I am sleeping on the floor in my daughters room we talk but never touch or show any feeling towards each other. What are we showing our children. Another days o by and I leave it then another and I ask her can we please fix this. She answers I can stay like this the kids see us together what do you want from me. I told her I miss her and just being able to be close to her.

Another day passes and we talk something small. She basically tells me that her feeling for sex has gone she don't like the feeling. I had to ask repeatedly and she told me that for a while now that she didn't like me doing something. I worked it out that for a year or 2 that when we were intimate, I must have been touching her in a way that made her feel no good and brought up the past. I WISH she had told me about this and not let it go on for this long. Is the damage done and cant be repaired I hope not. Also another thin that she barely managed to tell me. She always says I don't want to say as you will et upset. I tell her its ok we need to talk about this. She said that the last time just before we were going to have sex that I let one go.You know what I mean (flatulence). I didn't think much of it as we are close and I feel comfortable with her. We both pass wind in front of each other daily. But not before sexual activity. So my Wife said after that she feels ooohhh. It has really put her off. How the hell do I fix this. I love my Wife so much and children. I couldn't bare the thought of losing her and not being with my children daily.Going back a couple of months I took a big step and went to counselling. I have attended (5) sessions which I didn't tell my Wife about as I didn't want her to get upset. Last week though I did tell her I had been seeing someone and the look in her face was shocked, she said don't joke please. I said I am not joking so I showed her the business card. Her sigh of relief was oh. I asked her if she would attend with me next week. After a couple of minutes talk she said OK but nothing will change her feeling. So we attended the session and yes it was hard and the Psychologist basically was talking about what I would like from my Wife and of course what I can do as a husband. The session ended and basically we scheduled for 3 weeks later. I told my Wife the appointment was on a Wednesday and it would be nice if she could come with me. She said she is busy I don't have time. So I went alone. The psychologist was a bit disappointed but what can you do. You don't push someone to go with you. The other day in the car we were talking and she said what do you want from me. I said I miss you and want things back to how they were. I am here for you and want to help you that is why I am so persistent. She ended up having tears and told me Why do you want to hurt me! I told her there is no way that I would ever want to hurt you that I am just trying to help you. Also when I type all this information some of you might think that it is all over the place. Yes it might seem like that. I am trying to give as much detail as possible but it might not be in the correct order. So here I am September 2012 at 2:30am in the morning typing this information to see if anyone can please help as to what I can do. I cry on the day time and at nights a couple of times a week. I love my Wife and so desperately want to help her. I try and see it from my Wife's point that she would want to block all this bad past experiences. Please someone that has been through this let me know your story and outcome, also if there are any counselors out there that can help me with this please help. Let me know how to get my Wife the help she needs. She doesn't want to bring up the past it is to hurtful. But she really needs help and I am willing to do anything to help her and our Marriage.

Thank you so much for all that read this.

[steve101]

Thank you for the quick reply. All the information that you provide is all valuable. The last couple of days have got worse. Ok I might be to persistent which will lead my Wife to believe I am Pushy. I am so in need to get through to her but nothing is working. Every time I mention that can we please fix this relationship and this family. She replies with I can stay like this. I tell her it is not good for our children and I miss you so much. I just want to be able to hold you and just be next to you. I told her forget the intimacy just being able to be next to you is great.Our discussion was a bit fired up yesterday and she told me I dont want to listen to this story anymore, I am sick of it. Its too much. I can live like this she says. (Again) I feel very upset my wife telling me the same thing over and over.She told me If you don't want to that is OK. It is just everything I say to her she puts the big wall up. Allot of the time I talk and it will take her around 5 minutes to answer and that is if she answers. If I ask her things which normally she is sitting in front of the computer on the internet. She will just sit in front of the computer and read the screen. I have to ask her maybe 3-4 times the same question.Then she blows up and yells at me. My 7 year old daughter on many a times have called out to her Mum and asked her something and It will take my daughter 3,4,5 goes saying Mum,Mum,Mum,Mum. I have to jump in and say your daughter is calling you and you dont respond. My wife gets frustarted and has alot of anger and tells me she talks to much and something not important. I want peaceful then my Wife says she is exactly like you talks too much and talks nothing inmportant just talk. Then my daughter gets upset and says dad mummy says I talk too much. She doesnt care about me. I tell my daughter that mummy is just tired and a little bit stressed from the business. I have to make excuses.(See we have a restaurant which my wife and staff run in the evening 6 nights a week.)Then my daughter goes on a bit cries and feels like her mum doesnt care. So then My Wife really stresses out as she can not handle the cries and carry on my daughter does. My Wife says things like I cant handle it, this crying like a baby I dont like it. I am better to live by myself peaceful. So my daughter gets very upset and says dad mummy says I am a baby she doesn't love me. I tell my daughter that mummy said she doesn't like this behavior not that she doesn't like you. My wife really cant handle this crying and carrying on my daughter does. Also my son when he cries triggers her off. He is only a year old and of course he cries as babies do. She yells at me to say cant you pick him up. She says poor boy. I tell my Wife he is fine he just wants someone to hold him all the time. So she picks him up so he stops crying. OK getting back to the Issue in this family how can I get through? Or can I? I have tried talking nice and sweet but nothing even if I get upset or angry I just cant get through. I am so upset about this and desperately want to fix it. I am very sure that she is in need of urgent help. It cant be easy to live with her past and go through day by day with this anger. It would be great to hear of someone that had a similar situation to this and what did they do.I even told her if you like I can move out and you can have some peace. Do what you like she says. I know deep down she must care or Love me I am not sure which one it is. But she does start to cry a little when I try to talk to her about things.I feel I have lost my Wife!What If I just leave it, like she says. Will it get better. No I don't think so! What about if I pack a bag and walk out and tell her I am moving out I cant stand to live here and see you like this. Would this help or could it make things allot worse.

 

Thank you to all of

[Forever Learning]

Continue counseling yourself to figure out how to best proceed for the sake of the kids. Good luck.

[steve101]

Thank you to everyone on here that has replied to my posting. I appreciate everything you all had to say.

 

I cry myself to sleep at night and it is killing me inside to see my Wife like this and I cant do a bloody thing about it.

 

Even if there was such a thing as hypnosis for this,the problem again is the patient needs to be willing to do it.

 

I wish that I was a bit stronger and didn't have this soft and sensitive heart. This way I could just suck it in and think everything will sort itself out.

 

My Wife can try and keep hiding this and not wanting to seek help as she thinks everything is OK. I know though deep down if I leave it time will not fix this,it will just get worse.

 

How do I take the step to sort this out. I am so upset and devastated it is ripping up my heart.

 

If anyone has had to go through this and have some steps for me to so through.

I would very much appreciate it.

 

Thank you Steve

[CopingGal]

Hi. Could you put paragraphs in your entry. It will be easier to read. Thanks.

[amaysngrace]

You can't push her to deal with her past. She will address it when she is ready to. It's good that she is accepting it by voicing it to you. But that doesn't necessarily mean that she is ready to "go there".

 

When she suppressed her memories she suppressed all of the feelings she felt about them too. So what you have is a woman with a lot of misdirected emotions.

 

The most you can do for her is be a caring and loving partner to her. She will face her past only when she is ready to.

 

You cannot make her read a book, see a counselor, or visit a website. If you push these suggestions on her it may turn out badly as she may feel as though she is being controlled once again.

 

You should really just ask her what does she need from you and what you can do. And go at her pace.