Trying not to cheat

[navyblueskies]

The truth is I have a confession. I never thought about cheating on anyone before. In my previous relationships, I really liked the girls and was infatuated with them. I'm currently in love with my fiance. We've been together for two years now. For some reason, I feel like cheating on her. I guess, more or so, I feel very selfish. We're spending most of the year apart due to career moves we've have to make. Now we're on opposite sides of the country. I've landed in a new state, in a new town, without friends really yet. For some reason, I meet these girls here and one of them I thought I might become good friends with. However, she likes me and is very interested in me. I'm very curious about her, only because we're on the same plane, we're at the same connection and compatibility in life. I'm confused about myself, because I love my fiance and think she's amazing. I'm not sure why I feel tempted to harm her and give into my selfish desires? I'm also very sexually active. My fiance and I have a very good sex life too. We were living together before I had to move away. I guess of my motives are just the fact I'm so young. I'm 26 and still feeling adventurous about my life. I did do some things, but I hardly experienced much during college. I feel quite a bit of resentment for missing out all the wild girls, clubs and parties I could have gone to. However, my fiance, in her life before she dated me is extremely experienced, having slept with thirty partners before me, most of all were in one-night stands and she was involved in sex parties too, recently before we even dated. This keeps me very jealous and occupied. I feel like it's not fair she got to have her party moments and I didn't, all because I was trying to save myself for marriage I'm not a virgin but she's had sex with six times as many people as I have. She's very social and hangs out with lots of guys. I have the opportunities to do so, but I don't out of respect for her, and mostly because I'm vulnerable and afraid of what I might do with other females. I try not to cheat, but for the first time, I've been having thoughts about sex with other girls. A couple girls I talk to as friends out. One's purely bad and she wants me to go out to the clubs and parties. One girl is the girl I was talking about, the one who connects with me on my level, sharing similar interests, passions, and understanding. I think the problem is my fiance has too much of a social life and is too career driven. She's so focused on her world that she doesn't make time for me or relates on the same emotional level, except for fifteen minutes a day, and that's even when we were living together. She's a great, compassionate, loving girl with so many interests with me; our chemistry works out great, but she's so aloof in her career and friends. I get jealous that she spends all her time with her career and friends. We've communicated about that. However, this is just the way she is. I wish she more a capacity to love, get passionate and sensual, I mean with quality and time, to same level where I'm at. I feel bad when I talk to her, because she sounds so happy to be with such a "great guy." I feel incredibly guilty and full of shame. At the same time, I'm not sure what to do. I don't know how to handle these changes. I never thought I would want to cheat on the person I love with all my life. Why is this happening to me?

[Sameold]

I know what you mean mate....

 

Probably best deciding what's more important, sex or the fiancé. I don't know all the details but if I was you I'd be a bit concerned my fiancé was shaggibg someone else whilst you were away so I hope you have that covered.

[NoMagicBullet]

You do have all your justifications lined up and ready to go, don't you? The fact that you have so many justifcations is a huge red flag. It's pretty obvious you've decided that you really do want to be bedding other women. I'm not sure what you're looking for here on LS; are you hoping a bunch of people will tell you to do the right thing and be faithful to your fiance, or are you looking for permission to cheat? Or maybe looking for permission to end the relationship with your fiance?

 

You've both agreed to marry one day, but you've also both agreed to an long-distance relationship for the time being due to career issues. Lacking other info, it's not right to blame your fiance for focusing on her career if you've moved to a new town to do the same. It's not your fiance's fault if you didn't get out and party like she did before you two became exclusive. Those are really lame reasons to cheat on her. Actually, all of those reasons are lame -- there is never a good reason to cheat. You might be attracted to these other girls now, but what about later on? Attraction fades, feelings change, and people sometimes aren't who they seemed to be at first.

 

BTW, being attracted to and desiring people other than your SO is normal -- it's going to happen throughout your life. It will happen when times are good and when times are bad. It's part of being human. Bottom line: it's less important where those feelings come from than what you decide to do about them. Again, feelings can change and go away, but you can't take back words and actions once said and done.

 

If you want someone to tell you to end things with your fiance, then here it is -- you should break off the engagement. Because YOU are not ready to marry anyone. You're putting a lot of blame on aspects of your fiance as things that "encourage" your thoughts of cheating, but really, these thoughts are yours and yours alone. You have issues with her past, you're jealous of her experiences and the attention she gives her career and her friends/social life... I'm just going to be harsh here and call it like I see it: you seem very needy and insecure. You seem to want to blame your fiance for your desire to cheat instead of owning that as your own desire. You seem to want to hurt her because you feel she isn't giving you enough.

 

Questions is, what do you really want? Not just right now, but next year? The year after that? Where do you want to be? Do you want your fiance in your life? Do you want her to be your wife? If the answer to the last two questions is "yes", then stop focusing on your attraction to other women, stop socializing with them and tempting yourself. If you aren't happy with your fiance, then either work on the relationship or end it. But don't cheat.

 

If instead of your fiance, you really want to go have a bunch of different sex partners for the next several years, then break up and go for it. But first, figure out what you really want, decide what you are going to do about it, and own your decision, your actions, and your feelings. Don't be a douchbag, cheat on your fiance, and then blame her for it -- because in your head that's what you're already doing.

[ascendotum]

You do have all your justifications lined up and ready to go, don't you? The fact that you have so many justifcations is a huge red flag.

Yep. This is what I thought reading the OP. The ducks are lined up ready. If you really thought the way you do about your fiance..."She's so focused on her world that she doesn't make time for me or relates on the same emotional level, except for fifteen minutes a day,"....you really should not have allowed this situation where you two are now working on opposite ends of the country. Why get engaged and take on a job that takes you to another part of the country. Do it when you come back if you both survive a LDR for a couple of years without your partner. It certainly seems like career is obviously more important than your relationship for one or both of you. Are you crazy for her, but can still go without her for so long reasonably early on in the relationship?

 

'I'm 26 and still feeling adventurous about my life' + 'she was involved in sex parties too, recently before we even dated. This keeps me very jealous and occupied. I feel like it's not fair she got to have her party moments and I didn't'

I get why you feel like you do, but this should have made you think twice before proposing to your fiance.

'all because I was trying to save myself for marriage'.

If that was the intention, then why not stick with the program. You got by without chasing skirt before you met her, then you should have a stronger incentive for doing so now that you have a fiance waiting to marry you.

 

I pretty much agree with the conclusion of NMB. I understand your feelings and its natural to want to have female company when you are on your own, and to desire other women that you find attractive and who take an interest in you...but from reading your post, I really don't think you are ready to get married yet.

BTW - I'm curious when you say sex parties....are we talking picking out keys from a bowl?

[TaraMaiden]

....I never thought I would want to cheat on the person I love with all my life. Why is this happening to me?

 

because you may love her with all your life, but you want sex too, and you actually would love to clone yourself and have the best of both worlds...

 

"navy" stays faithful, sincere and the marrying kind,

 

"blueskies" spreads his wings, sows a few wild oats, lets his hair down and gets between a few other female thighs.

 

Which one is stronger?

 

The 'settle-down and be a good husband' kinda guy,

or

the 'must respond to primal sexual urges' kinda guy?

 

Answer that.

The rest - is simple.

 

By the way - we already know.

 

And so do you, if you're honest.

[all_hail_me]

Hey OP, not going to judge you but like other people have said - the long distance element is probably too much, too early into your relationship. I think you probably need to talk to your fiance because if neither of you are going to try and be together, then what is the point?

 

Career opportunities come and go. I moved to a city with my ex to watch it all fall apart 6 months later, it's taken me almost 2 years but I'm back on track to where I want to be - I moved for him to aid his career. In relationships, 1 person always ends up playing second fiddle in certain areas to compliment the other. It doesn't always work out, but if you want to get married, compromise is needed.

 

Are either of you going to make the move to live together, or is it LDR from here on? I can't see the point of that myself, especially before even getting hitched.