Meeting his ex-wife

[Lostnlonley]

So here goes....I met a man and we got involved in a rather serious relationship very quickly. I won't go into the major details, but we both have previous marriages and kids. He is 37 and in his previous marriage for 13 years. They had two children, but their daughter died of cancer at 12 years old 5 years ago, and the divorce followed shortly after. Their younger son (now 15) is the priority, and they still maintain a healthy friendship for his sake. They don't talk every day, maybe a few times a week, maybe once a month go to dinner or brunch all together. I have yet to meet either of them, but they both know about me.

 

There was an ex gf before me for 3 years. It was very soon after the divorce, and there was bitterness from the ex wife (understandably). The two women never met.

 

Boyfriend decided he wants to do things right and wants me to meet the ex wife soon, before I meet their son. I am ok with this but extremely shy/nervous about it. I feel like she automatically won't like me because I'm the new woman.

 

A few months ago we went on a camping trip and apparently she got upset because that was one of their traditions. Traditions hold a deeper meaning for them because of the loss of their daughter, and I understand and respect this.

 

Twice in the year we have been together they have gone on trips together as a "family" with their son. One was a camping trip, they stayed in a cabin, and the other was a short trip to Seattle for a concert, staying in a hotel. I have been assured that no beds were shared, and I completely trust my boyfriend.

 

I talked to him about it, and told him I was a little jealous but that I trusted him. He feels indebted to his ex wife and always wants to make sure she is taken care of, he takes responsibility for the problems in their relationship and carries guilt over cheating on her a few times.

 

He told me last night that he wants me to come spend Christmas with them. This makes me extremely nervous. I know he doesn't want me to be alone (no family and daughter is at dads) and its a sweet gesture, but I really do not want to upset his ex wife. Is this weird for me to care about her feelings? I feel like I respect her, she seems like a good person and I know if it were switched around it would make me uncomfortable. Do I politely decline? Is it too soon?

We are meeting probably in the next month or so.

 

What do you think about their relationship? I feel like its a special case given that they are the only ones who can share the pain of losing a daughter together...I feel like they have a special bond, but it will never be like ours either. I am secure in that.

[Ninja'sHusband]

I'm not going to comment on you meeting the ex, this is a place I haven't gotten to in life so I probably shouldn't say anything.

 

I will say they will always have a bond because of the shared children, but I think it's always weird for two adults of opposite sex to be alone in a place overnight...unless they are known to be involved. It's just respectful to avoid that scenario and is precautionary.

[Lostnlonley]

I guess that is my fear...I really do trust him...but this sets off my jealous instinct. It's not that I believe they'd actually do anything, but it's kind of a lack of respect for his relationship with me. I in no way want to interfere with their relationship, and I've held back not wanting to be the possessive/controlling gf...but the overnight thing does bother me. Even if they aren't sharing a bed. If its for his son, why can't he take just his son? To me it's part of the divorce setting boundary. If she had a new man in her life, I can almost guarantee he'd never go on trips with her. It's like she's still using him to fill the void of having a man in her life.

 

Another thing, he wayyyy over-pays his child support. It's not my business, but I guess he used to make more $ and he feels it would be wrong to decrease the amount she is used to getting, because she has based her cost of living expenses on this amount.

 

So how do I explain the no trips thing without telling him that. As in, I don't want to use ultimatums or demands...but I want him to respect my position as the woman in his life. I do think part of it is that he lives a rather urban lifestyle and does not have a vehicle, he let ex wife have the car when they split...and he has no means of transportation to take his son on trips, so she tags along. I would gladly let him use my car. I know public transit is expensive on long trips as is renting a car. We all aren't exactly rich at all by any means. Divorce makes you poor.

[Ninja'sHusband]

I guess that is my fear...I really do trust him...but this sets off my jealous instinct. It's not that I believe they'd actually do anything, but it's kind of a lack of respect for his relationship with me. I in no way want to interfere with their relationship, and I've held back not wanting to be the possessive/controlling gf...but the overnight thing does bother me. Even if they aren't sharing a bed. If its for his son, why can't he take just his son? To me it's part of the divorce setting boundary. If she had a new man in her life, I can almost guarantee he'd never go on trips with her. It's like she's still using him to fill the void of having a man in her life.

 

Another thing, he wayyyy over-pays his child support. It's not my business, but I guess he used to make more $ and he feels it would be wrong to decrease the amount she is used to getting, because she has based her cost of living expenses on this amount.

 

So how do I explain the no trips thing without telling him that. As in, I don't want to use ultimatums or demands...but I want him to respect my position as the woman in his life. I do think part of it is that he lives a rather urban lifestyle and does not have a vehicle, he let ex wife have the car when they split...and he has no means of transportation to take his son on trips, so she tags along. I would gladly let him use my car. I know public transit is expensive on long trips as is renting a car. We all aren't exactly rich at all by any means. Divorce makes you poor.

 

I don't really think you can or should beat around the bush on stuff like this. He probably won't get "hints". Just tell him that you feel it is more respectful of you, his ex, and himself to not put himself in situations that look bad. It also makes you feel more secure.

 

If it's a transportation issue, maybe try that angle first. Say you can pick him up if need be. Probably you should be honest about how you feel either way.

[2sure]

This family has suffered tragedy, that's for sure.

They have been divorced for nearly 5 years and are still traveling together?

His ex wife freely gives input on where she does not want the two of you to go...or was that an entire activity she has issue with? He can't take his teenage son to dinner or lunch without her?

 

No.Thats just not the way it works. The fact that both of them are participating in this way, and that his ex is basically calling the shots for you....

 

You mentioned she may still be upset about his cheating on her...

 

Ya think??

[GuyInLimbo]

While my heart goes out to him over his and his ex's loss (I can't imagine....), their relationship is completely inappropriate. Sorry, but no way in hell would I accept a vacation together. It's pretty clear he is not willing to detach from her as his wife and neither one is ready to truly move on. I get it. They went through hell together. But you are still the third wheel. He needs to make a decision: you or her. If I were you, I wouldn't stand for this whatsoever. And if he can't accept that, cut your losses and find someone who is going to respect you.

[so_difficult]

I completely agree. Not only is their relationship unfair to you, it must be very confusing for their son. He probably thinks his parents are going to get back together every time they spend time "as a family."

[wow04]

This is not normal. I would never go on a vacation with my ex husband, it would be way too confusing for the kids.

 

My mom and her ex husband lost a child. They divorced shortly after. They have only been around each other to exchange my brother, when he was young, and for my niece's birthday parties.

[yessy21]

i believe that the only reason they still do things together is because that little boy lost his sister and they lost their daughter. they probrably want to not make the boy feel like if he was loosing everything. Those are amazing parents. regardless if they wanted to be together they would be...so its apparent that you are an important person that he wants to start introducing into their lives slowly. Not everything in life is functional for everyone.... its what works for you.

[bigmomma1974]

I have been divorced and remarried. Alot of people think the relationship I have with my ex and his new wife weird, but it works for us. We all spend Christmas together at nanas. Nana isn't blood family but shes been the kids grannie for 15 yrs. So Christmas at Nana's consist of The children, new hubby,myself, ex hubby and his new wife. We talk get along and enjoy it. It took a few years after ex-hubby and I split to be comfortable about it, but the kids love it. We also spend time as friends, It works for us. So I feel that you should explain to your boyfriend, that you are uncomfortable at this time to go with him at Christmas. I feel you 2 need to sit down and be honest with how you feel, He isn't going to know if you don't tell him. His wanting you tomeet his ex wife could be a step in building a stronger relationship with you. Think about it, then be honest with boyfriend.

[g450]

This is not normal. I would never go on a vacation with my ex husband, it would be way too confusing for the kids.

 

My mom and her ex husband lost a child. They divorced shortly after. They have only been around each other to exchange my brother, when he was young, and for my niece's birthday parties.

 

Exactly right!

 

What is this BS? Tell him that if she wants to take the kids camping she can, alone or with her new boyfriend. And if you want you to go camping with his kids then great but do it ALONE with him and his kids.

 

Your BF is participating in a farce and I think in his mind he is keeping his cake and eating it too. They are simply not done with each other and using the kids to play games. They are NO LONGER a FAMILY but they play along like they are. Very sick and does the kids no good at all but mess with their heads. It's not healthy no matter how they try to rationalize it.

 

Ill be brutally honest here with you. You need to let this man go. He and his XW are playing a dangerous game and people will only get hurt in the end. His XW is either an Ex or not. If he dosnt know the difference then he is either using you are he is the dumbest man alive. From where I sit you are simply a rebound piece of a** to him. And he is being very disrespectful to you thinking you are OK with this sick little game he and his XW are playing. My advice: Get out of that situation.