My fiance seems to get angry very often!!

[jojo81]

I have been with my fiance for over two years now. I love her with all my heart but lately she's been snapping at me for stupid stuff. For instance I just spent a heap of money on the house because she wanted tiles and whatever else, then immediately after it's done, she's looking for other things, like what would think about this? My response is usually, how about no, for now. That sends her into a frenzy of which she'll go into silent mode and then she makes me feel guilty because she's angry so then I have to put up her being silent because then apparently I piss her off if I try to make her happy again. She's always complaining that life is so hard because I work away and her friends get given everything and that she works in a ****ty job and has an investment property worth less when she bought it. The funny thing is I pretty much give her everything she wants which makes her happy for a bit but that soon changes. I've also tried to ease the burden by getting her to sell her investment property so she has money to spend but she won't sell it because she thinks she's giving it away even though it will take years to get what she wants.

 

I'm a very easy going positive guy who doesn't get upset unless I need to which is very rare. It seems whenever she is pissed at me, she'll bring up every detail since the time we met as kind of like a list of things I do wrong or have done in the past even though I help her out more than I used to in the house and everywhere else. We're getting married next year and up until the argument we had a few days ago when she was complaining about something, I never had any doubts. She then told me yesterday that she was seriously thinking about leaving me because of the constant arguments because it isn't making her happy. It seems that she wants her way and when I say something relating to money, like we can't affford it or no more for now, I get the crabby mood swings and then if I try to make her happy again, she basically lets me have it and tells me, I'm getting her angry now and then I have to put up with the silent treatment until she is ready to speak to me again. When the shoe is on the other foot, I accept her apology and move on.

 

Her mood flips are frequent and I do tell her about it but they don't stop. We could be lovey dovey and then boom. Another problem I have with her, is she's only interested in vanilla sex and the thought of experimenting with anything else repulses her. She told she was willing to try IT in order to make me happy but the thought that those things repulse her kind of make me think I might not enjoy it if she's thinking that way. As I mentioned I love her madly and I know she loves me the same but if this is what it's like now, what about when we're married!

 

She tells me that money isn't important and that I focus on it too much but I pay the mortgage, the extra repayments to bring down the loan quicker, the bills, now my car repayments, the insurances for everything and she is supposed to cover the groceries and maybe the odd bill that was over what I put in. Most of the time she's broke because her rent doesn't cover the costs and this is pretty much how it goes. The fact is I work offshore for equal time home and I couldn't afford to pay these things working shoreside for at least for a few years until the mortgage is lower. I try to make her happy while I am home as much as I can.

 

It seems a spend a lot of time apologizing to her when she gets angry and she does recognize she goes off quite frequently but I have to say she flips out on silly little stuff too often.

 

Any advice would be great.

Edited September 6, 2012 by jojo81

[Radu]

A couple of things.

 

1 - sexual incompatibility is long term a big problem, not so much short term.

It may feel like a problem to you now, but wait till you are married for a while.

2 - she is training you like a dog.

You can see the trend in your post.

She pouts past your excuse so now you feel like you are walking on eggshells, can you imagine spending the rest of your life with someone like this ?

3 - she is financially immature [actually mature enough when it concerns her stuff].

I know 2 guys who married women like her. One is divorced and she tried to take as much as possible, the other is divorcing and is emotionally abusing him to take as much as possible, including his child.

4 - engagement may be a promise of marriage, but it is also a test-drive for the relationship.

 

Did her way of acting become more pronounced after the engagement.

 

Bottom line, don't marry this girl.

She will bleed you dry and throw you away for someone with more money if need be.

And the moment you start making enough money, she will become a neglectfull SAHM.

[jojo81]

Thanks for the advice. I know there's always two sides to the story so her point of view won't come across in what I write so I try to be diplomatic. The ways she's acting seems to have become more in magnitude after getting engaged. She moved into my house soon after getting engaged at my request as my housemate was moving out. She is a loving woman and does look after me but the fact that she snaps so quick at me for a simple response then goes into overdrive and silent until she's ready to speak to me really makes me think twice about marrying her.

 

At this point I can walk away from it without any financial harm but the fact she told she was thinking about leaving me the other day after we argued on the phone makes me think maybe our relationship isn't as strong as I think. Her parents are old school wogs like myself and have shown me much more love than my own parents at times so my thoughts lead me to believe she is a family girl but her actions sometimes lead me to believe she wants everything her own way in the house and that my way isn't right.

 

She puts so much emphasis on the house that one thing out of place, I get in the crap for even though my thoughts are, the house is for us to live in. She tells me she loves me more than I could know, I show her love all the time. She said to me the other night that because I wanted to try something new in the bedroom, a little bondage, that she mustn't be good enough for me which I quickly reassured because that is not the case. It also seems that even though I try to dassle her with little trips away and go out to dinner with friends she's not happy because she didn't get to choose her engagement ring and that the place I proposed to her could have been more elegant even though I spent about $800 that night on the place I took her to.

 

We have become best friends for a while now and we speak about everything and do everything together since our friends have fallen off the scenes to get on with their lives. She always reminds of my flaws and what I have done in the past even though I am always loving and devoted to her since we met. She does also seem to bring up past experiences with previous boyfriends a lot which I don't know what to think about the merits. She has also mentioned that she believes we never had the girlfriend boyfriend time because she moved in after a few months. I work away so it's not like she hasn't had her time by herself. It just seems now that she has regretted moving in with me back then and wishes we spent more time as a couple. In saying that she didn't refuse my proposal for marriage.

 

Like I said before I don't criticize and are very easy going so not much bothers me that I would warrant an argument about. I wish I could say the same for her. The advice you give is a great help.

 

I should also mention that she hates the concept of asking for money off me and would rather go without while I am away. I really don't think she would be a gold digger. I do earn very good money and she's always applauded the fact I worked hard for it. I see her parents and the way they are, they bicker like my parents but she does everything for her husband as my fiance said she would do for me. However she gets upset if I don't help her with the dishes or cleaning even though her father doesn't do any of that. Just though I might add that.

Edited September 6, 2012 by jojo81

[Radu]

I think she was raised as a spoiled princess.

 

Do you realise that just half of what you wrote about her is enough red flags for saying goodbye ?

 

What she does, the arguments, the anger, the pouting, the constant negative comments about the money is a way of both control and training.

She is training you how to behave, and with her, she will always find other things she dislikes, that warrant training.

She is trying to control you, and i don't know if it's your upbringing or your experiences, but you are buying into this almost without question.

 

Seriously now, ask any woman on this site about what she said after you proposed, that it was too cheap.

[jojo81]

Thanks Again.

 

Your responses trouble me and make me think deeply about my life with her. Seeing as I'm so easy going I think that might have something to do with it.

 

I didn't realize this was such an obvious problem I wouldn't have picked up on it earlier. I thought this was just part of marriage, ups and downs you know?

[Radu]

This section of the forums doesn't get many visitors, and right now there are less ppl online than at peak hs.

 

In about 5-6hs, why don't you make a thread in the Dating section with the same question, with what you wrote here ... maybe even a link to this thread.

 

This is to get more feedback.

[pinkie]

I would absolutely NOT marry her. (and I'm a female!) The way she is treating you is completely wrong, unloving, abusive (silent treatment), whiny and so so so immature. She threatened to not marry U?!?! Call her bluff! Tell her you've been thinking about the comment and now you're not so sure getting married is a great idea. Stick to your guns or else you are in for so many more horrible years with this woman. (i.e. affairs, no sex after children, spending all your money, losing your friends, possibly your house, cars, everything!!)

 

Re-evaluate this relationship period. Pleeeez. You sound like a really great guy. There's absolutely no reason for her to treat you this way! She needs to be brought back down to earth!

[Axee]

she wants to break up with you.. She has chosen you only because she needs someone to get married to. I am a female and I am ashamed to say that once when I wanted to break up with the guy i had done similar things like getting angry for everything , always complaining etc.. (Also I was highly immature ) ..

You are probably being too nice to her.. See, this will eventually break up, and she should NEVER EVER have brought the topic of leaving u because of problems, she has created problems to leave u in fact...

jojo81, u are a nice and caring guy.. Go to someone who deserves you..

[MonsterMash]

When she said "I'm thinking about breaking up with you"....your response should have been "Don't let the door hit you in the ass on the way out."

 

Lifes too short to live like that. And once you start chasing her, you'll never stop. Get some self respect and some balls, and get rid of her.

[carhill]

Any advice would be great.

 

PMC and a long engagement, should you choose to remain with her.