He's still on a fixed marriage. What do I do?

[D'1ThatGotAway]

I am a 25 year old lass from Asia and I have been talking on and off to this 29 year old US Marine guy for 1 year and 5 months. He has been deployed everywhere in Asia over the past 5 years. Ever since the day we started talking we knew we both have feelings for each other that developed to something deeper and more special over time. He cared for me too much and I felt the same way. We both were understanding to each other and we never had a fight. It was all sweetness and passion.

 

Here's the thing though, in November 2011 he suddenly disappeared but he came back to me in the middle of January 2012 explaining why he was out of touch. He told me he was in Afghanistan and was living in tents and there was no way for him to contact me. He lost his phone the night before he left and that's why he wasn't able to tell me that he was going somewhere. Anyway, I knew I still care for him and would want to be together with him again so I forgave him and accepted him back. The relationship became more sweeter, it was to me at least. Past forward May 2012, he was deployed in Africa and stayed there for 2 months, we rarely had chances to talk but the relationship kept going strong nevertheless. We both believed that long distance relationships work as long as there is trust and I trusted him all the way and so did he to me. Well I never cheated on him and I never lied. Never.

 

Anyway, he moved back to my country first week of August and everything was back to being perfect again until last night... I saw one of his profile documents where he stated that he is separated. I asked him about it and he told me he got married but it was a fixed marriage. He married an Asian woman that has a half-black child. He said they were both getting benefits and so is the kid while they are married but said they are not in-love with each other. His wife has other men and he is allowed to date. She is now in the US and is applying for a citizenship and they will divorce immediately once her paperwork is done or once any of them finds someone they will truly love and will want to marry. I asked him why didn't he fall in love with her, he said he can't fall in love with a woman that has other man's kid, he can't accept that and his family despises blacks. He said he married her because he feels safe because he will never be in love with her. I told him I can't be a mistress, he said I will never be one because he does not love her and he is not just using me on the side. He pointed out that there is no side on here, or if anything, his wife will be on the side and not me and he will divorce her soon as we decide to get married. We had pretty little discussions. At the end of the night before we went to sleep he asked me if that could change anything between us, I answered not but deep within I felt something that I can't describe. I don't know if I am scared, hurt or what. I don't know, I don't know yet.

 

Now my question is, IS THIS SITUATION FAIR? What other things should I have asked to him? Should I have reacted the way I felt? Like being confused and hurt? I realized I acted like as if it wasn't important to me and that he can get away with it. I know we will talk about this again, what should I tell him? I don't really know everything about fixed marriage stuff. Has anyone ever had a situation like this? Please give me some advice and input. I need people to talk to me. Thanks in advance.

Edited September 6, 2012 by D'1ThatGotAway

[2sure]

In the US there is no such thing as a fixed marriage. In the US to become a citizen through marriage , the couple has to stay married for a specific amount of time...I think it is at least a year, with a child there may be other conditions as well.

[D'1ThatGotAway]

In the US there is no such thing as a fixed marriage. In the US to become a citizen through marriage , the couple has to stay married for a specific amount of time...I think it is at least a year, with a child there may be other conditions as well.

 

He said they are married in the US, so did he lie about the fixed marriage thing? Yes he told me they have to stay married until her citizenship is approved. Is it true that they are just using each other? She wants a US citizenship and he wants the benefits/money they can get from being married. I don't know about the existence of this stuff or if he is lying or anything. I'm single and has a good reputation, I grew up in a very conservative and respectable family. I don't know if this is fair for me or if I fit on this kind of situation...

[FitChick]

Here are the rules regarding marriage and citizenship.

[D'1ThatGotAway]

Thanks to FitChick for the link.

 

 

Ideas on this, anyone?

[mortensorchid]

This is crazy. What exactly is a "fixed" marriage? And why did he feel he had to marry this woman for some reason?! Whatever is going on he is lying to you. Move on.

[SoleMate]

No, this is a terrible unfair situation and a bad mistake for you to agree to. He is married to his wife...regardless of his feeble efforts to make it seem like their marriage is a meaningless formality.

 

He said he married her because he feels safe because he will never be in love with her. I told him I can't be a mistress, he said I will never be one because he does not love her and he is not just using me on the side. He pointed out that there is no side on here, or if anything, his wife will be on the side and not me and he will divorce her soon as we decide to get married.

 

All of that makes NO SENSE whatsoever! Do YOU "marry people because you feel safe you will never be in love"? No you don't.

 

Do you marry someone for no reason whatsoever despite not wanting to marry them? No. Neither did he. He had a reason to marry her and so he did.

 

Should you trust a man who promises he will divorce his wife because she is a meaningless person from a despised race? NO NO NO!!!!!!! There is nothing about this man that sounds good at all! Don't get swept away by his ridiculous sweet talk. You can do better. Hey, even my left butt cheek can do better than this loser.

[CC12]

If his marriage is such a meaningless formality, then why didn't he tell you about it before? Now that you've caught him, he's presenting it as if it's not a big deal at all. If it was truly not a big deal, why wouldn't he have presented it that way toward the beginning of your relationship, when you would have been much more inclined to believe him and take it in stride?

 

He deceived you by not disclosing his marital status to you. This is information that a romantic partner deserves to know. Always. It does not matter at all what the specifics of the marriage are, whether it's a "fixed" marriage, a greencard marriage, or a sham marriage. He still lied to you. And if you are uncomfortable calling it a lie because you're saying to yourself, "Well, to be fair, I never did ask him if he was married." Consider this: He had to be pretty careful and/or creative about what he said to you in order to keep this from you for a year and a half. And this is a big part of his life that he purposely did not tell you about. What does that say to you about his honesty? Is honesty in a relationship a priority for you?

[D'1ThatGotAway]

This is crazy. What exactly is a "fixed" marriage? And why did he feel he had to marry this woman for some reason?! Whatever is going on he is lying to you. Move on.

 

He said he can save enough from the money he is getting from this marriage. He only wants to save money that he can use when he gets out of the military. I admit, that freaked me out because if he is a money hunger, he is not that of a good person that I thought he was but we shared so much and it's hard to let go.

 

 

No, this is a terrible unfair situation and a bad mistake for you to agree to. He is married to his wife...regardless of his feeble efforts to make it seem like their marriage is a meaningless formality.

 

All of that makes NO SENSE whatsoever! Do YOU "marry people because you feel safe you will never be in love"? No you don't.

 

Do you marry someone for no reason whatsoever despite not wanting to marry them? No. Neither did he. He had a reason to marry her and so he did.

 

It's just now that I came to realize the mistake I did when I told him that nothing will change between us because honestly, it already changed the way I feel for this relationship. I don't know, maybe I was just so dumb that I didn't want to upset him even if he was the one who omitted important information about his self. I'll try and say what I truly feel about this when we talk again.

 

Should you trust a man who promises he will divorce his wife because she is a meaningless person from a despised race? NO NO NO!!!!!!! There is nothing about this man that sounds good at all! Don't get swept away by his ridiculous sweet talk. You can do better. Hey, even my left butt cheek can do better than this loser.

 

It's not him who despises the half-black child, it's his family. And his family approves of my race more than hers. Now, I don't know if that makes sense at all. And it's not true that there is nothing about him that sounds good at all. He's been incredibly nice, loving and caring to me since day 1 (except that he hid that marriage thing). His family loves him so dearly. His friends and workmates are respectful to him and look after him and these things could tell that he's not a total jerk. Maybe you can say that I am being defensive here or that I just don't see his dark side because I have a strong feeling for him. Well I don't know. I admit I'm really confused. My mind is everywhere that's why I need you all to talk to me. Thanks for your insight.

 

If his marriage is such a meaningless formality, then why didn't he tell you about it before? Now that you've caught him, he's presenting it as if it's not a big deal at all. If it was truly not a big deal, why wouldn't he have presented it that way toward the beginning of your relationship, when you would have been much more inclined to believe him and take it in stride?

 

He deceived you by not disclosing his marital status to you. This is information that a romantic partner deserves to know. Always. It does not matter at all what the specifics of the marriage are, whether it's a "fixed" marriage, a greencard marriage, or a sham marriage. He still lied to you. And if you are uncomfortable calling it a lie because you're saying to yourself, "Well, to be fair, I never did ask him if he was married." Consider this: He had to be pretty careful and/or creative about what he said to you in order to keep this from you for a year and a half. And this is a big part of his life that he purposely did not tell you about. What does that say to you about his honesty? Is honesty in a relationship a priority for you?

 

Thanks for this CC12. He told me it wasn't his desire to purposely hide it to me, he said he was waiting for the right moment to tell me, it just happened that I caught him first. Does hiding an information equal lying? Honesty is important to me. In everything else I know he is/was honest to me. Part of me thinks that maybe he just wanted us to have the bond before he could have the courage to tell me about his marriage. But then a part of me thinks that maybe he's really trying to make a fool out of me. I don't know which side would I go.

 

 

Thank you all for the input. And sorry if I came across as someone who's lacking intelligence. I heard even the brightest and the greatest people in the world can also be the stupidest and the dumbest when it comes to love

[curlygirl40]

He said he can save enough from the money he is getting from this marriage. He only wants to save money that he can use when he gets out of the military. I admit, that freaked me out because if he is a money hunger, he is not that of a good person that I thought he was but we shared so much and it's hard to let go.

 

 

It's not him who despises the half-black child, it's his family. And his family approves of my race more than hers. Now, I don't know if that makes sense at all. And it's not true that there is nothing about him that sounds good at all. He's been incredibly nice, loving and caring to me since day 1 (except that he hid that marriage thing). His family loves him so dearly. His friends and workmates are respectful to him and look after him and these things could tell that he's not a total jerk. Maybe you can say that I am being defensive here or that I just don't see his dark side because I have a strong feeling for him. Well I don't know. I admit I'm really confused. My mind is everywhere that's why I need you all to talk to me. Thanks for your insight.

 

 

 

Thanks for this CC12. He told me it wasn't his desire to purposely hide it to me, he said he was waiting for the right moment to tell me, it just happened that I caught him first. Does hiding an information equal lying? Honesty is important to me. In everything else I know he is/was honest to me. Part of me thinks that maybe he just wanted us to have the bond before he could have the courage to tell me about his marriage. But then a part of me thinks that maybe he's really trying to make a fool out of me. I don't know which side would I go.

 

 

Thank you all for the input. And sorry if I came across as someone who's lacking intelligence. I heard even the brightest and the greatest people in the world can also be the stupidest and the dumbest when it comes to love

 

I hate to say it, but my first thought when reading this post is that conmen can be very charasmatic, and THAT'S exactly why they get away with what they get away with. Because they are good at manipulating people, everyone thinks they are the good guy. Everyone loves and respects them.

 

The stories he's telling you are BS. He's lying about so much and you're buying into it.

 

Staying married for the money? Where's the money? Does he get more money from the military for being married?

 

If that's so, then at the very least he's guilty of frauding the gov't.

 

Not the kind of guy that I would hitch my wagon too. You're better than that. Run

[D'1ThatGotAway]

Thanks Just A Poster and CurlyGirl for your point of view. Thanks for sending the lights.

 

I just found out that what they're doing is illegal, yes he's being fraud and he could be fined and her wife will be deported if the authorities investigate.

I'm so sad and hurt... Maybe I should just run, but I'm quite invested to him and throwing all those that we've shared will never be so easy.

[TaraMaiden]

There's no 'Maybe I should just run' about it. 'Maybe' is not a word you should be using.

He - is using you - as a diversion, for amusement, as a way out of the crap he has got himself into. But he is dishonest, playing with your feelings and lying left, right and centre to you.

 

I'm so sorry sweetheart, but you have to cut off all contact to - and FROM - this man, because the more you stay in touch, the deeper he will twist the lies, and try to deceive you in any way possible.

You cannot trust or believe any single thing he says, ever.

You have to end it - cleanly, quickly and with no going back.

It's for your own good, please believe us.

 

It's sad, but LDR's are the easiest relationships to manipulate.

And he has been extremely manipulative with you.

 

I'm just wondering how this other poor girl is coping with it all....

[D'1ThatGotAway]

Thank you TaraMaiden and to all that responded.

 

You all have a point, but doesn't he deserve the benefit of the doubt? What if in time he gets to prove to me that he was being honest? He and she do not have a marital union. It was proven. They never even shared bed. It was his wife who wanted the opportunity to get the US citizenship. That's the only thing she wants so she doesn't have to cope or anything. Plus she already have an affair going with other guy. Okay, I'm gonna stop defensing my guy... before someone slaps me upside the head to knock some sense into me. Right, the fact still remains, he was being deceptive to me and a fraud to the government... sadly I need to move on coz of course I deserve better than this. I know I would and I hope I could soon. 1 year and a half is not a joke. God help me. :(

 

And oh I just noticed that this has been moved to LDR. We were not really on a typical LDR. We've been together in my country for 13 months (7 months living in together + 5 months him living next door of my apartment with a guy housemate) and just 4 months long distance those months that he was deployed. Just so things are clear if that makes sense at all.

[TheFinalWord]

I am a 25 year old lass from Asia and I have been talking on and off to this 29 year old US Marine guy for 1 year and 5 months. He has been deployed everywhere in Asia over the past 5 years. Ever since the day we started talking we knew we both have feelings for each other that developed to something deeper and more special over time. He cared for me too much and I felt the same way. We both were understanding to each other and we never had a fight. It was all sweetness and passion.

 

Here's the thing though, in November 2011 he suddenly disappeared but he came back to me in the middle of January 2012 explaining why he was out of touch. He told me he was in Afghanistan and was living in tents and there was no way for him to contact me. He lost his phone the night before he left and that's why he wasn't able to tell me that he was going somewhere. Anyway, I knew I still care for him and would want to be together with him again so I forgave him and accepted him back. The relationship became more sweeter, it was to me at least. Past forward May 2012, he was deployed in Africa and stayed there for 2 months, we rarely had chances to talk but the relationship kept going strong nevertheless. We both believed that long distance relationships work as long as there is trust and I trusted him all the way and so did he to me. Well I never cheated on him and I never lied. Never.

 

Anyway, he moved back to my country first week of August and everything was back to being perfect again until last night... I saw one of his profile documents where he stated that he is separated. I asked him about it and he told me he got married but it was a fixed marriage. He married an Asian woman that has a half-black child. He said they were both getting benefits and so is the kid while they are married but said they are not in-love with each other. His wife has other men and he is allowed to date. She is now in the US and is applying for a citizenship and they will divorce immediately once her paperwork is done or once any of them finds someone they will truly love and will want to marry. I asked him why didn't he fall in love with her, he said he can't fall in love with a woman that has other man's kid, he can't accept that and his family despises blacks. He said he married her because he feels safe because he will never be in love with her. I told him I can't be a mistress, he said I will never be one because he does not love her and he is not just using me on the side. He pointed out that there is no side on here, or if anything, his wife will be on the side and not me and he will divorce her soon as we decide to get married. We had pretty little discussions. At the end of the night before we went to sleep he asked me if that could change anything between us, I answered not but deep within I felt something that I can't describe. I don't know if I am scared, hurt or what. I don't know, I don't know yet.

 

Now my question is, IS THIS SITUATION FAIR? What other things should I have asked to him? Should I have reacted the way I felt? Like being confused and hurt? I realized I acted like as if it wasn't important to me and that he can get away with it. I know we will talk about this again, what should I tell him? I don't really know everything about fixed marriage stuff. Has anyone ever had a situation like this? Please give me some advice and input. I need people to talk to me. Thanks in advance.

 

No, you can't trust this man.

 

Either way you look at it he has terrible integrity. He is either using your or he is scamming the US system to get benefits for someone. Both are dishonest. He should have been upfront with you from the beginning. He is using the fact you don't know much about USA to deceive you.

 

The fact is you are his foreign mistress. He could have gotten in touch with you during all these times. He is using you for female companionship and sex and I guarantee his wife doesn't know. If not, then he would let you talk to his wife and verify this story. And even if she did, the fact he is in the US military and using the US system to get benefits for his wife is dishonorable.

[D'1ThatGotAway]

No, you can't trust this man.

 

Either way you look at it he has terrible integrity. He is either using your or he is scamming the US system to get benefits for someone. Both are dishonest. He should have been upfront with you from the beginning. He is using the fact you don't know much about USA to deceive you.

 

The fact is you are his foreign mistress. He could have gotten in touch with you during all these times. He is using you for female companionship and sex and I guarantee his wife doesn't know. If not, then he would let you talk to his wife and verify this story. And even if she did, the fact he is in the US military and using the US system to get benefits for his wife is dishonorable.

 

And I know there is no excuse in the world that would make that okay.

 

Sigh

[TheFinalWord]

And I know there is no excuse in the world that would make that okay.

 

Sigh

 

I'm sorry

 

I will pray you heal fast

 

I know a year sounds long, but it is much better than 10 years and finding out how he is. It's a blessing in disguise.

[CC12]

Does hiding an information equal lying?

 

In the context of a romantic relationship, yes, hiding the fact that you're currently married does equal lying.

 

Is it lying if he hides this from friends or coworkers? Nah. It's just not telling them personal things that they have no real business knowing (because it's a green card marriage, not a real marriage. Supposedly.) But it is absolutely your business that he's currently married.

 

What if in time he gets to prove to me that he was being honest? He and she do not have a marital union. It was proven. They never even shared bed. It was his wife who wanted the opportunity to get the US citizenship. That's the only thing she wants so she doesn't have to cope or anything. Plus she already have an affair going with other guy.

 

Nothing was proven. These are all things he told you, and you have no proof of any of it.

 

I think I (and most of us?) have been under the impression that you're questioning whether or not his marriage was "real." I read back through your posts, and it seems like you don't doubt his story at all, you're just wondering how you should handle the news. Is this correct?

 

OP, I have a very, very hard time believing the story that he simply has a "fixed" marriage (that's not a term Americans use, btw.) It seems more likely that he was married (a "real" one, a marital union, sharing a bed and everything) when he first met you and maybe he still is. The things he says don't add up.

 

He updated his profile to say he was separated. This does not make sense if you rely on his version of the story. He would not broadcast that they're separated if it was a marriage of convenience (meaning: for a green card or for military benefits.) He would continue the facade of a happy marriage until they both get whatever benefits they were after. As far as I know, getting US citizenship through marriage is very difficult. They take a hard look into your personal life to make sure it's a legitimate, loving marriage. Posting publicly that he's separated could ruin all his efforts to defraud the government.

 

He never told you about the marriage until you found out about it yourself. This also does not make sense if you rely on his version. It would not be that hard to tell someone you're dating that you're in a marriage of convenience. You'd say, "By the way, I'm technically married, but it means nothing to me and we only did it because she needs a green card and I need the military benefits." So why didn't he tell you this? Probably because his marriage was a "real" one at some point.

 

I think it's safe to assume he's probably lying about everything. Sorry.

Edited September 7, 2012 by CC12

[justwhoiam]

You found out from some official paper that is separated. Is that correct? So the first thing I'd want to know is when he got married. Did this happen before even knowing you? Get a copy of his wedding certificate. Also, does his family affect him so much? That's never a good thing. Unless he doesn't mind they think the way they think, which is a red flag anyway. If you had a child with this man, what values would he teach his own kids? That asian is better than afroamerican or black? Shallow people are... shallow. So think about everything very carefully.

[D'1ThatGotAway]

Thanks TheFinalWord, CC12 and JustWhoIAm...

 

It is not going to be easy but I am letting him go. Won't let him to continuously manipulate and take advantage of me. I know I deserve after all.

[TaraMaiden]

If you read "The All-New Caliguy No Contact Guide" in my signature, it will help you digest what you should do, why and how to go about it.

Be strong.

It hurts to cut people off when we have invested so much time, effort and affection into the relationship - but just remember this:

 

The only one who really did that with a full and sincere heart, was you.

He has wasted your time, and belittled your love.

He deserves nothing more from you.

[D'1ThatGotAway]

If you read "The All-New Caliguy No Contact Guide" in my signature, it will help you digest what you should do, why and how to go about it.

Be strong.

 

Thanks for this TaraMaiden.

 

It hurts to cut people off when we have invested so much time, effort and affection into the relationship - but just remember this:

 

The only one who really did that with a full and sincere heart, was you.

He has wasted your time, and belittled your love.

He deserves nothing more from you.

 

Had I known what I know now, it wouldn't have gotten this far.

[dior8765]

It's not uncommon for military men to have contract marriages. This might be a shock to the rest of the world, but not to the ones in the us military. When you are married you get BAH (housing allowance) and therefore you don't live in the barracks. Also he gets a little bit more money to cover the dependents. If he is still living with her and the kid then you have some big problems.

 

If he really does have a fake marriage for her to get her citizenship then he definitely should have told you about it. I wouldn't go any further in your relationship with this guy until he ends the marriage. If he gets caught with a fake marriage then he can get in a lot of trouble for it.

 

I advise working on yourself and doing your own thing. That's up to you to decide if you can live with or without him.

[D'1ThatGotAway]

It's not uncommon for military men to have contract marriages. This might be a shock to the rest of the world, but not to the ones in the us military. When you are married you get BAH (housing allowance) and therefore you don't live in the barracks. Also he gets a little bit more money to cover the dependents. If he is still living with her and the kid then you have some big problems.

 

Yeah, that's what he said. But now that I'm assuming that everything about him was a lie, doesn't matter at all.

 

He acted so differently the last time we talked. He tried to convince me to not let him go, to let our relationship start out fresh because he loves me so much. But even though it was hard and gotta admit that I was tempted to fall on his lies again, I mustered the best of my strength to walk away.

 

If he really does have a fake marriage for her to get her citizenship then he definitely should have told you about it. I wouldn't go any further in your relationship with this guy until he ends the marriage. If he gets caught with a fake marriage then he can get in a lot of trouble for it.

 

I advise working on yourself and doing your own thing. That's up to you to decide if you can live with or without him.

 

That's what I'm doing at the moment. It's tough, I'm missing him all the time but I'm hoping for things to somehow get better soon.

[D'1ThatGotAway]

And again, thanks to all that responded. I learned to realize a lot.

[F24USA]

Fixed/Arranged Marriages are negotiated by the parents of the couple involved, right? How come his family despises hers? And are these agreements known in the US? I don't think so...