Loneliness/Attachment Issues

[OleBlue]

Hi,

 

I'm really suffering from loneliness which in turn makes me very needy and I seem to get attached very easily. I love attention and affection and being complimented because I never get it. I'm a very likable guy and there really isn't anything wrong with me except I'm fat and well these attachment issues. I don't have any friends really and never had even in HS I didn't have many and we drifted apart. I say hello to everyone and try to be really nice but it seems like noone wants to cross into that next level of actual friendship. My personality fits with the popular type of crowd that is very affectionate/caring within their group. I don't know how to break in. I don't go to bars or anything but I don't know if its because I don't like them or the type of stuff that happens in them or if I just don't go because I don't want to go alone.

 

For me, I don't think I will ever get over this because I love loving people. When I have someone who I am "talking to" or dating I tend to compliment them, want to hug them, kiss them, be with them, etc.. Just the way I am I guess.

 

Does anyone else suffer from loneliness and in turn be needy and have attachment issues? How do you cope? What do you do? Do you just suppress those feelings?

 

Would it be a big turn off for me to just flat out tell people in my online profiles/dating that I love to get and give affection?

[SandRat]

Well, crap, I might as well admit it! Yeah, me. I do. I have some abandonment issues as well. Thanks Mom!! I don't know the answers. I see a life coach or whatever next Thursday. Maybe I'll learn something I can share with you.

[Nikki Sahagin]

I remember reading something once that really struck a chord with me.

 

To paraphrase, it went something like this:

 

"To the wrong person, a quiet person is boring. To the right person, a quiet person is mysterious and endearing"

 

"To the wrong person a loud person is annoying. To the right person, a loud person is exciting"

 

Basically we are all wrong in our own way, but to the right person, we are just fine as we are.

 

Obviously we all have issues, fears and things we have to reign in and control a little. Such is the game of life. We need to gain mastery of ourselves for ourselves and clearly this is something that bothers you.

 

But to the right people, you wont need to change.

 

I think sometimes we are all puzzle pieces, and sometimes because we don't fit right away, or after a long time, we start to feel there's something wrong with us, but actually with the right people, you WILL fit, and if you changed yourself to fit, you wouldn't actually be any happier because you wouldn't be you. But there is a difference to change and that is acceptance and learning how to make who you are work for you.

[Exit]

Nikki made a good point it might just boil down to finding the right person who will want that level of attachment and attention.

 

Aside from that though, I feel like I have somewhat the same problem, but after my relationship ended late last year, I have been single since and spent a lot of time alone, and I feel like it is kind of helping me. I won't really know until I start to date again and see if I end up extremely attached after 2 dates like always, but I think after all this time, I've started to see the value in the things I've done by myself, and I wouldn't want to give that up to spend all my attention on someone else again like I used to. So maybe it's like any addiction in the sense that you need to force yourself away from it for a while.

 

If you feel something is really wrong about the way you interact with people, then explore how to work on it, but circling back to the previous point, maybe it's more a matter of just finding someone who likes you the way you are.