Guys who put you down?

[prettylittlethings]

So what's the deal? These are a few things my ex boyfriend did, I might be being a bit sensitive over some of them but when all accumulated I just got the impression that he was trying to make me feel like sh*t. Anybody experienced something similar? Why do they do this? I have my own thoughts but curious to see what you guys say? This guy didn't only try to put me down, he was a total sh*t stirrer, physically abusive and emotionally abusive.

 

"Everyone dreams of having a really modest girlfriend.":rolleyes: When I would get upset he would say that I was vain and that's obviously where my priorities were. I shouldn't care about those things anyway because

 

* constantly reminded me of how he thought eastern european girls were hot. (And when we had a fight), sent me several photos of a naked european girl and a close up of her vagina saying "so much hotter than you, you're asian looking." (I'm half asian, half european)

 

* when we were at a cafe he asked me if I had a crush on his friend and said it was okay if I did because he had a crush on the waitress (ummm... no, I don't have a crush on your friend and never will)

 

* (I have really big boobs for a tiny frame) - said that as a physio, he did not find big boobs attractive and that all he thinks of when he sees them is a health hazard.

 

* when we had fights he would call girls he's hooked up with and pretend that he was talking to this girl "E", who was a big problem at the beginning of our relationship and whom he cheated with in his last relationship.

 

* when we had a fight over "E", and I basically said it's either her or me, he told me "I just want to be completely honest with you but I have added girls that I have hooked up with on previously on facebook and want to reconnect with them. (These are girls his ex girlfriend had a problem with and asked him to delete them)

 

Other things that should've been red flags

 

* when I first met him he would constantly talk about his girl friends who were so hot and how he only makes friends with goodlooking girls.

 

* he told me that his last girlfriend was asian but he lied to all of his friends saying that she was half asian and it was a huge ordeal when he finally thought he should tell some of them. (he lied about her asian background too for some reason?)

 

*physically violent, broke my phone, threatened to throw me off the balcony (pretty much every single time we had a fight in the end), held me down, spat in my face, put me in a headlock, I had to get my ribs xrayed and it hurt to breathe, needed help from sitting up to lying down for a week, carpet burns on the whole of one side of my body from trying to get out of a headlock

 

*went from being incredibly remorseful for his actions and then when I did not forgive him in a time frame would become absolutely enraged

 

The physical stuff is pretty obvious but I couldn't help but put it in aswell. I'm really asking about the things he said (those are just a few), why would a guy say things like these? Any of your own examples of guys who claimed to be absolutely devoted to you but put you down would be appreciated too.

[amaysngrace]

It's a control thing. Telling you not to dress up and be plain looking, letting you know he has other options, making you think you're lucky to be with him, etc is all his way of controlling your loyalty to him.

 

Putting you down can make you think you don't deserve a better guy and certainly won't help you to believe you can GET a better guy.

 

Don't listen to what he said. He lies.

[thatone]

So what's the deal? These are a few things my ex boyfriend did, I might be being a bit sensitive over some of them but when all accumulated I just got the impression that he was trying to make me feel like sh*t. Anybody experienced something similar? Why do they do this? I have my own thoughts but curious to see what you guys say? This guy didn't only try to put me down, he was a total sh*t stirrer, physically abusive and emotionally abusive.

 

"Everyone dreams of having a really modest girlfriend.":rolleyes: When I would get upset he would say that I was vain and that's obviously where my priorities were. I shouldn't care about those things anyway because

 

* constantly reminded me of how he thought eastern european girls were hot. (And when we had a fight), sent me several photos of a naked european girl and a close up of her vagina saying "so much hotter than you, you're asian looking." (I'm half asian, half european)

 

* when we were at a cafe he asked me if I had a crush on his friend and said it was okay if I did because he had a crush on the waitress (ummm... no, I don't have a crush on your friend and never will)

 

* (I have really big boobs for a tiny frame) - said that as a physio, he did not find big boobs attractive and that all he thinks of when he sees them is a health hazard.

 

* when we had fights he would call girls he's hooked up with and pretend that he was talking to this girl "E", who was a big problem at the beginning of our relationship and whom he cheated with in his last relationship.

 

* when we had a fight over "E", and I basically said it's either her or me, he told me "I just want to be completely honest with you but I have added girls that I have hooked up with on previously on facebook and want to reconnect with them. (These are girls his ex girlfriend had a problem with and asked him to delete them)

 

Other things that should've been red flags

 

* when I first met him he would constantly talk about his girl friends who were so hot and how he only makes friends with goodlooking girls.

 

* he told me that his last girlfriend was asian but he lied to all of his friends saying that she was half asian and it was a huge ordeal when he finally thought he should tell some of them. (he lied about her asian background too for some reason?)

 

*physically violent, broke my phone, threatened to throw me off the balcony (pretty much every single time we had a fight in the end), held me down, spat in my face, put me in a headlock, I had to get my ribs xrayed and it hurt to breathe, needed help from sitting up to lying down for a week, carpet burns on the whole of one side of my body from trying to get out of a headlock

 

*went from being incredibly remorseful for his actions and then when I did not forgive him in a time frame would become absolutely enraged

 

The physical stuff is pretty obvious but I couldn't help but put it in aswell. I'm really asking about the things he said (those are just a few), why would a guy say things like these? Any of your own examples of guys who claimed to be absolutely devoted to you but put you down would be appreciated too.

 

abusive people do such things because it's effective.

 

insecure women respond to being treated badly. triggers their inherent guilt and they respond by trying to please the abuser.

 

the question isn't why he does those things, the question is why he was your boyfriend.

 

you chose him.

[BetheButterfly]

So what's the deal? These are a few things my ex boyfriend did, I might be being a bit sensitive over some of them but when all accumulated I just got the impression that he was trying to make me feel like sh*t. Anybody experienced something similar? Why do they do this? I have my own thoughts but curious to see what you guys say? This guy didn't only try to put me down, he was a total sh*t stirrer, physically abusive and emotionally abusive.

 

"Everyone dreams of having a really modest girlfriend.":rolleyes: When I would get upset he would say that I was vain and that's obviously where my priorities were. I shouldn't care about those things anyway because

 

* constantly reminded me of how he thought eastern european girls were hot. (And when we had a fight), sent me several photos of a naked european girl and a close up of her vagina saying "so much hotter than you, you're asian looking." (I'm half asian, half european)

 

* when we were at a cafe he asked me if I had a crush on his friend and said it was okay if I did because he had a crush on the waitress (ummm... no, I don't have a crush on your friend and never will)

 

* (I have really big boobs for a tiny frame) - said that as a physio, he did not find big boobs attractive and that all he thinks of when he sees them is a health hazard.

 

* when we had fights he would call girls he's hooked up with and pretend that he was talking to this girl "E", who was a big problem at the beginning of our relationship and whom he cheated with in his last relationship.

 

* when we had a fight over "E", and I basically said it's either her or me, he told me "I just want to be completely honest with you but I have added girls that I have hooked up with on previously on facebook and want to reconnect with them. (These are girls his ex girlfriend had a problem with and asked him to delete them)

 

Other things that should've been red flags

 

* when I first met him he would constantly talk about his girl friends who were so hot and how he only makes friends with goodlooking girls.

 

* he told me that his last girlfriend was asian but he lied to all of his friends saying that she was half asian and it was a huge ordeal when he finally thought he should tell some of them. (he lied about her asian background too for some reason?)

 

*physically violent, broke my phone, threatened to throw me off the balcony (pretty much every single time we had a fight in the end), held me down, spat in my face, put me in a headlock, I had to get my ribs xrayed and it hurt to breathe, needed help from sitting up to lying down for a week, carpet burns on the whole of one side of my body from trying to get out of a headlock

 

*went from being incredibly remorseful for his actions and then when I did not forgive him in a time frame would become absolutely enraged

 

The physical stuff is pretty obvious but I couldn't help but put it in aswell. I'm really asking about the things he said (those are just a few), why would a guy say things like these? Any of your own examples of guys who claimed to be absolutely devoted to you but put you down would be appreciated too.

 

 

I don't understand why any woman would put up with verbal abuse. I am so glad he is your ex!!! I think this guy has no idea how to truly love or respect a woman. Rather, he's probably engrained into his brain the very untrue idea that women are just placed on this earth to please him.

 

Please don't ever ever let any other guy who doesn't know how to love or respect you into your life, k? There are men like my husband who do know how to love and respect a woman. Though sadly it seems they are becoming a minority, there are still real men out there who truly love.

 

My ex-husband would put me down but thank God I have a wonderful husband now who has never ever put me down. Why? He is a man who is highly intelligent, confident, loving, honest, gentlemanly, strong, kind, caring, and has integrity!!! Men with the above qualities do not put women down. Rather, they protect, love, support, and encourage women.

[oldshirt]

And you continued to go out with him because??????????

[oldshirt]

And you continued to go out with him because??????????

 

 

That's the real question you should be asking here. You can't control other people's behavior. You can only govern yourself. Your real issue here is why you continued to be treated badly.

 

Untill you can identify that and correct it you will continue to allow yourself to be used and mistreated by manipulated and abusive people.

 

Someone who has their $h!t together walks away at the first sign someone is using or mistreating them.

 

this is real important so read it thoroughly and let it soak in - PEOPLE WHO HAVE THEIR $H!T TOGETHER, DO NOT TRY TO UNDERSTAND BAD BEHAVIOR AND BAD PEOPLE. THEY GET AWAY FROM IT.

 

focus not on understanding bad behavior but focus on seeing it and getting away from it.

[oldshirt]

now to address your actual question because I do think it helps to predict future problems and bad behavior if you can see the red flags before you are knee-deep in it.

 

everyone carrys with them some form of social status or "rank" or "market value" how ever you want to call it.

 

People innately want to be with people that are of at least and perferably higher rank than themselves.

 

Women in particular will only have sex with men of at bare minimum equal value and usually of higher value than themselves.

 

Guys that are $h!theads no they are $h!theads and know that if you knew their actual value and knew your actual value, that you would not date or have sex with them.

 

But since "value" is such a nebulous and complex concept with no clear definitions or boundries, they attempt to confuse you by trying to knock down your value and raise their value in your eyes.

 

So in other words if they can knock you down a few pegs you will become insecure and fear your value is less than it really is and you will therefor not kick them to the curb for being of lesser value than their's.

 

In essence they are trying to elevate their status and make themselves feel superior by knocking you down.

 

This can be an actual conscous choice and conscious decision on their part (and a lot of 'Pick Up Artist' books encourage it) but more often that not it is subconscious and is just part of being a $h!tty person.

 

People that knock down others are poor performers, high-risk and are generally incompetant and insecure people.......and often for valid reason.

 

They are often very calculating, scheeming, manipulative and premeditating. Everything is a big chess game to them and they are always trying to be several moves ahead of you.

 

At it's darkest, these people are abusive, manipulative, jealous, controling and can even be physically dangerous.

 

As I said in my earlier post, your real concern here should be why are you falling into this trap and allowing yourself to be manipulated and mistreated????

 

These people are dangerous and can only bring you down. Success in life comes from surrounding yourself with people that support you and help you improve your lot in life. Not knock you down to make themselves feel better and you feel worse.

[Quiet Storm]

He's insecure and wants to knock you down a peg or two.

 

When a person feels that their partner is smarter, more attractive or more successful than them, they will often do this because it makes them feel better for the moment. Instead of being secure with themselves or rising up to your level, they try to knock you down to theirs.

 

They lash out at others because they feel so bad about themselves.

[TheFinalWord]

*physically violent, broke my phone, threatened to throw me off the balcony (pretty much every single time we had a fight in the end), held me down, spat in my face, put me in a headlock, I had to get my ribs xrayed and it hurt to breathe, needed help from sitting up to lying down for a week, carpet burns on the whole of one side of my body from trying to get out of a headlock

 

That makes me angry that he did that and I don't even know you. Please do not tolerate that treatment from any man, especially one that is supposed to be your protector!

 

His words and actions indicate he is jealous and possessive. For a man to overpower a woman (wow he is really tough, not) is a bully and has psychological problems.

[pteromom]

I'm really asking about the things he said (those are just a few), why would a guy say things like these? Any of your own examples of guys who claimed to be absolutely devoted to you but put you down would be appreciated too.

 

He says it because it hurts you. When you hurt, he holds the power. He has the power to crush you with words, and it makes him feel better to do so.

 

He's got major issues, and you need to disregard anything he ever said to you as utter nonsense. You are ok as you are. You are beautiful as you are. You are good enough as you are. You deserve love as you are.

 

When you move forward from this relationship, pay VERY CLOSE ATTENTION to how a man interacts with you at the beginning. If he tries to understand you, accepts you as you are, approaches decisions as a mutual partnership with both your opinions having equal weight, move forward. If he criticizes your opinions, tells you that what you think/feel is wrong, or puts you down, just walk away.

[jobaba]

The last woman I had a strong interest in I got to know very well.

 

She would tell me all about her ex-boyfriends and how they used to put her down and say they were more attracted to other types of women and how she wouldn't amount to anything. She described at least the majority of them in this way.

 

She also said that I inspired her and made her feel like she could do anything. And she didn't say it to me either. I heard it second hand, so she wasn't pandering. Well, she didn't end up dating me.

 

I guess ... in a sense, if you pick a guy who treats you like that, it's your own fault, especially if you have more supportive men as options.

 

I too, have had an ex that put me down sometimes, and to this day, I'm not sure why. We are friends still and she has softened. I don't know if it's because we're not dating or because she's matured.

 

Either way, I know I can do better now, and I won't settle for somebody who does that to me.

Edited September 6, 2012 by jobaba

[weallfalldown]

Sorry to hear this...but.......

 

as i've said in other threads, people fail to mention, there are always two sides to a story, and women tend to always play the victim...you sure nothings triggered this off????????????????????????????????????

[ascendotum]

And you continued to go out with him because??????????

 

Because he was a really hot looking guy no doubt. Probably had no shortage of options, and it almost sounds like he might sabotage the relationship after a little while, with the intention of the girl breaking up with him, but if she continues to put up with the crap, he loses respect for the girl and does it more.

[prettylittlethings]

That's the real question you should be asking here. You can't control other people's behavior. You can only govern yourself. Your real issue here is why you continued to be treated badly.

 

Untill you can identify that and correct it you will continue to allow yourself to be used and mistreated by manipulated and abusive people.

 

Someone who has their $h!t together walks away at the first sign someone is using or mistreating them.

 

this is real important so read it thoroughly and let it soak in - PEOPLE WHO HAVE THEIR $H!T TOGETHER, DO NOT TRY TO UNDERSTAND BAD BEHAVIOR AND BAD PEOPLE. THEY GET AWAY FROM IT.

 

focus not on understanding bad behavior but focus on seeing it and getting away from it.

 

Well I have corrected it, hence I am not with him? I am a curious person, hence I like to understand everything and ask questions about everything. The reason I haven't asked on this forum about my own behavior is I've thought greatly about that already...

[prettylittlethings]

And you continued to go out with him because??????????

 

Did you read the part where I'm not with him????????

[prettylittlethings]

And you continued to go out with him because??????????

 

abusive people do such things because it's effective.

 

insecure women respond to being treated badly. triggers their inherent guilt and they respond by trying to please the abuser.

 

the question isn't why he does those things, the question is why he was your boyfriend.

 

you chose him.

 

I'm not trying to solve anything, and I've already asked that question, I've seen a professional about it, I also like to understand other people... I already know I chose him, and then I didn't, for good reason..

[todreaminblue]

now to address your actual question because I do think it helps to predict future problems and bad behavior if you can see the red flags before you are knee-deep in it.

 

everyone carrys with them some form of social status or "rank" or "market value" how ever you want to call it.

 

People innately want to be with people that are of at least and perferably higher rank than themselves.

 

Women in particular will only have sex with men of at bare minimum equal value and usually of higher value than themselves.

 

Guys that are $h!theads no they are $h!theads and know that if you knew their actual value and knew your actual value, that you would not date or have sex with them.

 

But since "value" is such a nebulous and complex concept with no clear definitions or boundries, they attempt to confuse you by trying to knock down your value and raise their value in your eyes.

 

So in other words if they can knock you down a few pegs you will become insecure and fear your value is less than it really is and you will therefor not kick them to the curb for being of lesser value than their's.

 

In essence they are trying to elevate their status and make themselves feel superior by knocking you down.

 

This can be an actual conscous choice and conscious decision on their part (and a lot of 'Pick Up Artist' books encourage it) but more often that not it is subconscious and is just part of being a $h!tty person.

 

People that knock down others are poor performers, high-risk and are generally incompetant and insecure people.......and often for valid reason.

 

They are often very calculating, scheeming, manipulative and premeditating. Everything is a big chess game to them and they are always trying to be several moves ahead of you.

 

At it's darkest, these people are abusive, manipulative, jealous, controling and can even be physically dangerous.

 

As I said in my earlier post, your real concern here should be why are you falling into this trap and allowing yourself to be manipulated and mistreated????

 

These people are dangerous and can only bring you down. Success in life comes from surrounding yourself with people that support you and help you improve your lot in life. Not knock you down to make themselves feel better and you feel worse.

 

 

how many values are there and who decides? i think the two values are good and bad i do belive that good people should be with good people...i do however believe bad people can turn good and vice versa hmmmm.....i know now that i shouldnt have tried to keep a realtionship together for the family sake with an abusive man and i shouldnt allow abuse to continue it is in my conditioning.I have been conditioned to take a fair amount of abuse or disrespect so my levels are way above what they should eb for me to maintain self respect....i am working on it....i cant do more than that...was having a dragged out knock down thing happening while i was writing this actually.so i am actually proud i can still concentrate....i am not fair apparently and i only see what i wan tto see i am not channging and th echurch i attend and adore is not doing any for me....classic killer line....you dont know the truth and he is going to tell them that......so let him.......i want him too....he can argue with them for a while....im kidding wouldn't let it happen....but i am not believing the hype.......i know what i am capable of ....and fairness is always in my mind ....telling the truth and knowing the truth i aspire to be the best i can be....and i know how to help people.......i am just here and people have to learn to deal with i like i have to learn to deal with things......i am me and i am changing and its blue skies on my horizon...they can stay with the rain and the clouds and the shados....i seek a different view.......

 

 

so i dont think i should judge myself on what i have done or who i have been with anymore...or what they did and how bad it was i stayed...i am concentrating on teh fact my life is looking up i have people to meet places to be and myself to let be.......and i deserve to have a good relationship a loving kind compassioante caring relationship where i can grow to be the best i can be.......i know in my heart when i am truly happpy and have trust for a guy( i have met the one I adore)...sky is the limit.....and maybe not so conditioned all the time....i dont think everything is goign to go away and i accept that i wan tsomeoen else to accept it too.........i am renovating and reconditioning.....in lots of ways...i am excited about it....letting go.....scared for the first time....really scared but butterflies as well....gotta love the flutterbys.....i am prepared to battle on.....i am not stagnant....just slowly inching forward ......and i need to do it that way i have been frenetic lately and i need to take my time and test the wind before i fly...damage has been done and i accept it was collateral and now i move forward.....thats how an abused woman might do things.....its easy to say what they should or shouldnt feel. do o rnot do...blame them its easy to evry body does its their faultthey pu tup with it....very christian.......harder to actually know how it feels and be accepting of differences of lifestyles and history.....then go out and truly help someone who is suffering the same thing....empathy........deb

[prettylittlethings]

now to address your actual question because I do think it helps to predict future problems and bad behavior if you can see the red flags before you are knee-deep in it.

 

everyone carrys with them some form of social status or "rank" or "market value" how ever you want to call it.

 

People innately want to be with people that are of at least and perferably higher rank than themselves.

 

Women in particular will only have sex with men of at bare minimum equal value and usually of higher value than themselves.

 

Guys that are $h!theads no they are $h!theads and know that if you knew their actual value and knew your actual value, that you would not date or have sex with them.

 

But since "value" is such a nebulous and complex concept with no clear definitions or boundries, they attempt to confuse you by trying to knock down your value and raise their value in your eyes.

 

So in other words if they can knock you down a few pegs you will become insecure and fear your value is less than it really is and you will therefor not kick them to the curb for being of lesser value than their's.

 

In essence they are trying to elevate their status and make themselves feel superior by knocking you down.

 

This can be an actual conscous choice and conscious decision on their part (and a lot of 'Pick Up Artist' books encourage it) but more often that not it is subconscious and is just part of being a $h!tty person.

 

People that knock down others are poor performers, high-risk and are generally incompetant and insecure people.......and often for valid reason.

 

They are often very calculating, scheeming, manipulative and premeditating. Everything is a big chess game to them and they are always trying to be several moves ahead of you.

 

At it's darkest, these people are abusive, manipulative, jealous, controling and can even be physically dangerous.

 

As I said in my earlier post, your real concern here should be why are you falling into this trap and allowing yourself to be manipulated and mistreated????

 

These people are dangerous and can only bring you down. Success in life comes from surrounding yourself with people that support you and help you improve your lot in life. Not knock you down to make themselves feel better and you feel worse.

 

I don't have any concern, I've been there, done that, and I'm nowhere near that place anymore so I don't know why people keep going on about how I need to concentrate on myself. Uh, I have.

 

I studied psychology, I deferred my degree but yes, I have an interest in human behavior, is it a terrible thing to ask things about negative human behavior? Definitely not so I don't know why you would say such a thing... Never in my life have I heard that asking questions is a bad thing, on LS will be the first time.

 

Don't actually need to be lectured here... Why does everything turn into such a war here??

[counterman]

A lot of guys who do this chip away a girl's self-esteem which keeps her there because she feels she has to earn his approval. Furthermore, the 'challenge' aspect; she mistakes excitement for the emotional roller coaster that the guy is providing her with. Not saying this is the same as your case but it does explain why so many of my girl friends are in relationships with abusive jerks. I really wish I could help them but I've lost so much respect for them for choosing to be with these guys that I just stay out of it.

[Ugh1]

Sorry to hear this...but.......

 

as i've said in other threads, people fail to mention, there are always two sides to a story, and women tend to always play the victim...you sure nothings triggered this off????????????????????????????????????

 

I'm sorry. What would be an acceptable "trigger" for a woman to be held down and have a man spit in her face?

[Untouchable_Fire]

I don't have any concern, I've been there, done that, and I'm nowhere near that place anymore so I don't know why people keep going on about how I need to concentrate on myself. Uh, I have.

I studied psychology, I deferred my degree but yes, I have an interest in human behavior, is it a terrible thing to ask things about negative human behavior? Definitely not so I don't know why you would say such a thing... Never in my life have I heard that asking questions is a bad thing, on LS will be the first time.

Don't actually need to be lectured here... Why does everything turn into such a war here??

 

Don't pay any attention to those who intend to make you feel guilty for dating the guy. Chances are those guys sit around lonely all day wondering why no women will date them, so they get pissed when a woman chooses an abusive guy.

 

When you get into one of those situations it's really easy to get lost in the details. I dated a woman that was emotionally and physically abusive for 2 years. I tried to just brush it off as if I should be able to handle that crap. I've learned it's best to just not tolerate it.

 

He did do all of that stuff intentionally to knock down your self esteem. It makes you easier to control if you have no confidence. More to the point he feels this way about himself. He strives to make you feel the same, and he hopes that if he can achieve that... then you won't leave him.

 

Abusive people similar to this often don't like themselves at all.

[Buttercup84]

My ex was controlling too, could be really sweet but I trod on egg shells. I will never know why he did this to me. Glad you are away from him.

[backonthemarket]

Hindsight is always 20/20. When you're in a relationship with someone, whatever they does becomes NORMAL. Your boyfriend's comments say more about his own insecurities than any shortcomings of yours. So, don't beat yourself up about this treatment. The good news is that you know how to recognize abusive behavior now and can avoid it in the future.