Can someone help me please ?

[bluedusk]

I am having my first relationship and I think that I'm having a great one ... I don't know how a "normal" relationship should be ... but according to my boyfriend... ours is not ... because we're having too many arguments... He said that if we're having arguments like ... for more than 3 or 4 times a week .. that's a big problem to him ... Once ... he even wanted out of this relationship because he said he was so tired of us having so many arguments ... BUt I thought that it's perfectly normal for a couple to have arguments ... In the end, we still held on because we felt that we cannot bare to be apart from each other ...Can someone help me please ? Is there a way an argument can be prevented ? I am not saying that I'm never in the wrong ... But I can't prevent arguments ... I just react to what I feel ... Please help me ... I really love him so much ....

[Tony T]

1. "Can someone help me please ?"

 

Yes, hopefully. A person's inclination to argue is based in large part on the relationship of their parents and just how much they argued. It's also based on a person's predispostion to be rattled. We'll talk about that more later...but you can get help for this if you want to change and not allow yourself to become upset so often. It is really pretty needless. Man is one of the few organisms on this planet with the innate ability to upset itself without purpose or need for survival.

 

2. "Is there a way an argument can be prevented ?"

 

Absolutely. Do not engage. You have power, BIG POWER. YOU make the decision to get upset, to argue, to work yourself up, etc. You make the decision that it is absolutely crucial to the survival of mankind for you to be RIGHT or to get your way in a certain matter. Again, this is based on your upbringing, you temperment, your belief system, etc. Once you realize how insignificant it is to be right or to get your way all the time, you sort of feel dumb. And ability to accept others as they are without having to impose your own values and beliefs on them and to work out suitable compromises without an explosion is a sign of maturity and good social skills.

 

3. "I am not saying that I'm never in the wrong ... But I can't prevent arguments ... I just react to what I feel"

 

I would never believe for a minute that you are NEVER wrong. However, being right is important only in a few cases, such as when performing surgery, when moving in traffic, when choosing non-poisoness foods to eat, in cases where being wrong could land you in jail, get you fired, cost you money or otherwise cause you physical or monetary harm. It is also nice to be right on TV quiz shows like "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire", and then ONLY if you really want to be one. However, people are wrong in the stock market all the time...some choose to commit suicide while most just pass it off as a bad day. The reaction to anything is a decision each individual makes, like in any other behavior. We are not condemned to act a certain way. We have free will and thank God for that!!!

 

There is no payoff for being right in a relationship. You will not get a better place in heaven, you will not have more money in your pocket, your complexion will not improve, you will not gain or lose weight...there is is no payoff whatsoever. By the same token, you set yourself up as being a world class ass by appointing yourself judge of what will be right and wrong for someone else. You can also set yourself up for failure in every relationship you attempt by constantly engaging in arguments when a few words expressing your feelings, in a normal tone of voice, just for the record, would be completely fine.

 

Normal couples have discussions. If they are in disagreement over something, they let each other know and arrive at a compromise. No big argument and no big deal. An occasional disagreement is part of the mating process...resolving conflicts so the relationship will go more smoothly. Arguing is a decision we consciously make to engage in after we have made the decision to upset ourselves about some other person's behavior or viewpoint.

 

There are lots of people who just aren't bothered when they feel other people are wrong. Arguments really in many cases are a person's way of putting distance in a relationship...of assuring it will go noplace. Yes, they can be used for fine tuning but the frequency of yours sounds like you are scared as hell of loving this guy, overlooking some things, and getting close. Only you would know that after intense self examination and, if that's the case, seek counselling.

 

If you argue three or four times a week, either you need to work on yourself and your inclination to be right or to engage in disputes, or you have selected a man who is largely incompatible with you. In the first case, we'll talk more below, if it's the second, you should not consider remaining with a man who is so incompatible with you that you must work so hard to fine tune the relationship when marriage is out of the question anyway. It's a true waste of time.

 

If you are so highly incompatible with your boyfriend that you find it necessary to argue as frequently as you do, he is the wrong guy. Hint: When we are really smitten with someone...and more so when we fall in love...we tend to overlook a whole lot.

 

Now if you are not planning on marrying the guy, aguing is REALLY insane. If you are not planning on carrying this dude with you through your entire life, why in heaven's name would you even care what he thought, right or wrong? Why would you want to take the time to argue? Why wouldn't you just want to enjoy his companionship for whatever time you decided before you broke up with him?

 

If this arguing this is something you learned from your parents, respect them as your parents, but reject this behavior that they passed on to you. This is something that you don't need to pass on to future generations. Just stop the sins of the father right here.

 

This inclination to argue is engrained in your personality and it really isn't positive. It is great to express yourself and your feelings, that is truly healthy communication. But nobody wants to be around someone who upsets themselves three or four times a week by arguing. I personally would not want a lady like that because I wouldn't want my future kids exposed to that sort of environment. I also wouldn't want a wife who liked to be upset that often. I wouldn't want that kind of atmosphere in my future home. I wouldn't want to go through life having to put out the energy it takes to defend the position I'm entitled to have against the opinion my lady is entitled to have. Most people want peace and harmony in their homes. They are willing to discuss, compromise, work out conflicts, etc. but they just don't want to spend the flicker of life they have on planet earth with needless bickering. Count me among them.

 

You can feel what you feel and express those feelings in appropriate ways, even through humor, and save this or future relationships. It's going to be up to you. Again, don't get me wrong. It is very appropriate to express your feelings. But how you do it needs to be socially acceptable. If you saw yourself on video executing these arguments, you would probably see the insanity.

 

Watch some episodes of "I Love Lucy." Lucy and Desi argue constantly, but they don't yell, they have fun, and Desi comes of with creative ways of ending the problems. Of course, yes, that's Hollywood...but all the world's a stage.

 

Now, if your boyfriend is such a total and complete dud and you are really getting worked up about his stupidity, inconsideration, disrespect, etc. three or four times a week, this is also your fault. Just plain good sense would tell you to leave somebody like that. A lady who comes along after a guy's been around for 20, 25, 30 years or more is not going to change him...not quickly...unless he wants to change. Just like I'm not going to change you with this post...unless YOU make the decision you don't want to be upset and have your life screwed up so often.

 

I hope you will consider not upsetting yourself so much...not judging other's so much...letting others be the fallible human's they are.

 

I almost have to guess that this arguing is either a habit or you are trying to keep from having closeness with this guy. If you don't want the closeness, go find guy friends and don't cause your boyfriend needless trouble because you really don't want to get close to him. If you do want closeness, you are going to have to chill out and learn to express yourself appropriately, reserving confrontations for those rare occasions when it is really necessary.

 

As you get older, you will realize how totally and completely unimportant and unnecessary most of these arguments are. If you really feel they are important after working on not upsetting yourself, go find another guy.

 

If you are in a bookstore soon, purchase or order "How To Practically Never Upset Yourself About Anything," by Albert Ellis. This book was published some years back but is still in print because there are always people out there who think OTHER people are responsible for the way they feel. They don't understand that it's their own personal decision on how they react to people and to the world.

 

Once you get used to not upsetting yourself and watching others be wrong without pointing it out or even caring, your life will change, more people will like you, you will have more energy, you will have more time for fun, the quality of your personal relationships will get better, and you'll win a million dollars on a TV quiz show.

[Deejette]

Unfortunately, the way the human mind works to survive is to prove that it is right (and that everyone else is wrong). But we have to put those impulses on hold when we are in a loving relationship. That is where the concept of "fair fighting" comes in. Fair fighting allows people to discuss their differences in a controlled way so they don't escalate into name-calling and hatred.

 

The techniques of fair fighting include making a date for the discussion, using "I" messages instead of "You" messages (e.g., I feel so bad when you come in late every night, instead of, "You irresponsible bastard, you can't even keep track of time!" Counsellors can help with fair fighting.

1. "Can someone help me please ?"

 

Yes, hopefully. A person's inclination to argue is based in large part on the relationship of their parents and just how much they argued. It's also based on a person's predispostion to be rattled. We'll talk about that more later...but you can get help for this if you want to change and not allow yourself to become upset so often. It is really pretty needless. Man is one of the few organisms on this planet with the innate ability to upset itself without purpose or need for survival.

 

2. "Is there a way an argument can be prevented ?" Absolutely. Do not engage. You have power, BIG POWER. YOU make the decision to get upset, to argue, to work yourself up, etc. You make the decision that it is absolutely crucial to the survival of mankind for you to be RIGHT or to get your way in a certain matter. Again, this is based on your upbringing, you temperment, your belief system, etc. Once you realize how insignificant it is to be right or to get your way all the time, you sort of feel dumb. And ability to accept others as they are without having to impose your own values and beliefs on them and to work out suitable compromises without an explosion is a sign of maturity and good social skills. 3. "I am not saying that I'm never in the wrong ... But I can't prevent arguments ... I just react to what I feel" I would never believe for a minute that you are NEVER wrong. However, being right is important only in a few cases, such as when performing surgery, when moving in traffic, when choosing non-poisoness foods to eat, in cases where being wrong could land you in jail, get you fired, cost you money or otherwise cause you physical or monetary harm. It is also nice to be right on TV quiz shows like "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire", and then ONLY if you really want to be one. However, people are wrong in the stock market all the time...some choose to commit suicide while most just pass it off as a bad day. The reaction to anything is a decision each individual makes, like in any other behavior. We are not condemned to act a certain way. We have free will and thank God for that!!! There is no payoff for being right in a relationship. You will not get a better place in heaven, you will not have more money in your pocket, your complexion will not improve, you will not gain or lose weight...there is is no payoff whatsoever. By the same token, you set yourself up as being a world class ass by appointing yourself judge of what will be right and wrong for someone else. You can also set yourself up for failure in every relationship you attempt by constantly engaging in arguments when a few words expressing your feelings, in a normal tone of voice, just for the record, would be completely fine. Normal couples have discussions. If they are in disagreement over something, they let each other know and arrive at a compromise. No big argument and no big deal. An occasional disagreement is part of the mating process...resolving conflicts so the relationship will go more smoothly. Arguing is a decision we consciously make to engage in after we have made the decision to upset ourselves about some other person's behavior or viewpoint.

 

There are lots of people who just aren't bothered when they feel other people are wrong. Arguments really in many cases are a person's way of putting distance in a relationship...of assuring it will go noplace. Yes, they can be used for fine tuning but the frequency of yours sounds like you are scared as hell of loving this guy, overlooking some things, and getting close. Only you would know that after intense self examination and, if that's the case, seek counselling. If you argue three or four times a week, either you need to work on yourself and your inclination to be right or to engage in disputes, or you have selected a man who is largely incompatible with you. In the first case, we'll talk more below, if it's the second, you should not consider remaining with a man who is so incompatible with you that you must work so hard to fine tune the relationship when marriage is out of the question anyway. It's a true waste of time. If you are so highly incompatible with your boyfriend that you find it necessary to argue as frequently as you do, he is the wrong guy. Hint: When we are really smitten with someone...and more so when we fall in love...we tend to overlook a whole lot. Now if you are not planning on marrying the guy, aguing is REALLY insane. If you are not planning on carrying this dude with you through your entire life, why in heaven's name would you even care what he thought, right or wrong? Why would you want to take the time to argue? Why wouldn't you just want to enjoy his companionship for whatever time you decided before you broke up with him?

 

If this arguing this is something you learned from your parents, respect them as your parents, but reject this behavior that they passed on to you. This is something that you don't need to pass on to future generations. Just stop the sins of the father right here. This inclination to argue is engrained in your personality and it really isn't positive. It is great to express yourself and your feelings, that is truly healthy communication. But nobody wants to be around someone who upsets themselves three or four times a week by arguing. I personally would not want a lady like that because I wouldn't want my future kids exposed to that sort of environment. I also wouldn't want a wife who liked to be upset that often. I wouldn't want that kind of atmosphere in my future home. I wouldn't want to go through life having to put out the energy it takes to defend the position I'm entitled to have against the opinion my lady is entitled to have. Most people want peace and harmony in their homes. They are willing to discuss, compromise, work out conflicts, etc. but they just don't want to spend the flicker of life they have on planet earth with needless bickering. Count me among them. You can feel what you feel and express those feelings in appropriate ways, even through humor, and save this or future relationships. It's going to be up to you. Again, don't get me wrong. It is very appropriate to express your feelings. But how you do it needs to be socially acceptable. If you saw yourself on video executing these arguments, you would probably see the insanity. Watch some episodes of "I Love Lucy." Lucy and Desi argue constantly, but they don't yell, they have fun, and Desi comes of with creative ways of ending the problems. Of course, yes, that's Hollywood...but all the world's a stage. Now, if your boyfriend is such a total and complete dud and you are really getting worked up about his stupidity, inconsideration, disrespect, etc. three or four times a week, this is also your fault. Just plain good sense would tell you to leave somebody like that. A lady who comes along after a guy's been around for 20, 25, 30 years or more is not going to change him...not quickly...unless he wants to change. Just like I'm not going to change you with this post...unless YOU make the decision you don't want to be upset and have your life screwed up so often. I hope you will consider not upsetting yourself so much...not judging other's so much...letting others be the fallible human's they are. I almost have to guess that this arguing is either a habit or you are trying to keep from having closeness with this guy. If you don't want the closeness, go find guy friends and don't cause your boyfriend needless trouble because you really don't want to get close to him. If you do want closeness, you are going to have to chill out and learn to express yourself appropriately, reserving confrontations for those rare occasions when it is really necessary. As you get older, you will realize how totally and completely unimportant and unnecessary most of these arguments are. If you really feel they are important after working on not upsetting yourself, go find another guy. If you are in a bookstore soon, purchase or order "How To Practically Never Upset Yourself About Anything," by Albert Ellis. This book was published some years back but is still in print because there are always people out there who think OTHER people are responsible for the way they feel. They don't understand that it's their own personal decision on how they react to people and to the world. Once you get used to not upsetting yourself and watching others be wrong without pointing it out or even caring, your life will change, more people will like you, you will have more energy, you will have more time for fun, the quality of your personal relationships will get better, and you'll win a million dollars on a TV quiz show.