Making a DECISION.

[sofrustrated25]

Here's where I am at in marriage. I've been married nearly 12 years. One son - who is six.

I have seen a long history of selfishness, childish behavior. I have been through therapy and discovered through marraige counseling that I am an enabler. I like to help and provide.

The issues are deep rooted but they fluctuate. For example, I was told I probably had cancer. I was a mess. When I had to go back to talk to the doctor about the biopsy results -- he didn't go. Fortunately, the doctor was wrong -- and I was OK -- but he just said "see I told you you were fine."

His family would come visit from out of town and he would work the entire time. Have me pick them up from the airport and take care of them. THese kinds of things.

Then I started having work events to attend and he wouldn’t come along. He would say he had to stay home and watch our son – when we had a sitter. He just never wanted to come out and be there with me.

We came across more money problems over the past couple of years. He didn’t want to face them. I said we needed to downsize our cars and he said he would just ride a scooter to work. (he drove a bmw). When I said it wasn’t safe to do with a CHILD – he said it was fine.

I didn’t stand firm enough back then – and it’s not led us to a bad place. I’m facing bankruptcy. I told my husband that we needed more income and he said OK – I’ll go sweep floors at Walmart overnights and then go to my day job. Now, he’s a smart man. He knows that was an empty threat. It really hurt. I tried not to give in to his threat so I simply said “ok – if that’s what you think will do – I will support your decision”. He then came up with a million reasons he WOULDN’T do that. But, I knew all along that he was turning down extra freelance work….out of laziness.

So I had an appointment with an attorney. He did not go. He didn’t even call to ask how it went. I told him that it took place. He said “oh I thought you cancelled it since you didn’t mention it”. Obviously – he blames me for not TELLING him.

As for intimacy – it’s not good. For a long time he’s said that he has a lack of self confidence in bed. He said it’s because of early release. So he is constantly just having me give him a Hand J – and not reciprocating. We dealt with this in marriage counseling and he said he’d try harder. And he did for a while…but it started again. So I approached him about it last weekend and he told me –after getting very standoffisih—that he “knows I’m working on my weight and he doesn’t want to say anything or do anything because he knows I don’t like when he comments on it”. I am 5’9 and 135 pounds. I’m a size 4. I am ALWAYS working on my weight. I told him I didn’t understand what that meant. Does that mean I’m not attractive to him? He just avoided the question and said he had to go downstairs for something. Later, I tried to bring it up again and he got mad. I said WHY are you mad at ME? He said he was mad at himself and he will try to “be a better person”. I don’t know what that means AT ALL.

This is the same man who cooks and cleans – and truly enjoys that. He is a decent dad when he isn’t preoccupied with work or cleaning. But, he loves our son. But, I’m terribly unhappy. He HAS improved some. It’s what has kept me hanging on. But, I am just feeling lost. I’m sad. I don’t want to leave – but I am recognizing that I am spiraling out of control. I feel angry and sad. I just started therapy so the new therapist is still trying to process everything.

So – bottom line. I’m basically bankrupt. I am on the verge of divorce and I feel like a mess. I used to be much closer to my Catholic religion – but I have just felt so let down by religion. I am working 60 hours a week and I don’t bring enough home to pay for the bills of our past. We have cut everything we can – we can’t sell our cars because we are already upside down on them. I don’t think my husband is ever going to HELP me – I just feel like he’s dragging me further into a pit.

I probably sound like a lunatic. But, I would really appreciate any insight someone might have for me. Thanks.

Edited September 6, 2012 by sofrustrated25

[Stillgrowing]

I'm sorry, he sounds like my husband who has borderline personality disorder and is a narcissist. My husband makes crazy, extreme, empty threats all the time and makes it sound like I'm crazy. And tomorrow I am headed to a surprise party for a friend bc he doesn't understand the point of him going at all.

 

I wish I had some advice but I've decided that all I have left is leaving, eventually, but it's on me to make sure it's not horrible for me or the kids.

 

Hug.

[sofrustrated25]

Thanks for your feedback. I wish you luck as well. I do find myself constantly second guessing my decision... Because he seems to get on better behavior. I suppose our stories are very similar in that way...

[Tethys]

OP: Sorry, but your husband sounds like a jackass. Maybe it's not entirely his fault because I think alot of your personality is shaped growing up, and maybe his parents did push him to look at his behavior, but he just sounds selfish and manipulative. I think you have to stand up for yourself and make yourself happy, and don't let this jerk manipulate you.

[sofrustrated25]

Your advice is crystal clear and dead on. You are right. When something hits the fan... He won't be there.

 

He has his moments. He seems successful in getting me back to where he needs me. It happened as recently as yesterday. He had been encouraging me to go to a lunch I was invited to by another man. I worked with him on a work project and he wanted to "thank me" with lunch. But there was something that didn't feel right. I told my husband that I felt odd. He said you should stay close with him. "you never know where his connections could lead". So I went and I really did feel uncomfortable. He wasn't talking about work at all. After the lunch my husband never asked me how it went. When I started talking about it. He asked what we talked about. I told him honestly and he seemed in phased.

 

Then last night for the first time in a long time he initiated sex with me and I just felt the whole time that he was trying to make me think that everything is fine and put me back in denial.

 

When I asked him this am what came over him last night. He said "love".

 

Maybe that's true but part of me wonders if he is manipulating again.

[sofrustrated25]

So I have to push my husband to take a freelance job. He complained etc but did it. Now I find out he lost a piece of equipment while on the job and not only is he not going to get a check ... HE has to pay them to replace!