xMW wants to be with me !

[East7]

Background : LDA of 1 year ended 2 years ago but we met once in-between, when it was supposed "ended".

 

She contacted me a week ago with the usual "I miss you"..Then we started chatting for a while. She said she finally "wants a future with me and her daughter, a new life for us. My fist reaction was "how do you want a future with me while you are still married" ? She said it very clearly, I can't leave my H to stay alone, if I leave, I want you to be ready for me...She complained that I never proposed her

 

I was thinking..WTF, now that I am happy, healed and I have moved on, she comes back with the BIG offer. She didn't even asked me if still want her. Basically she wants to find a solution for shared custody between US and Europe and I have no idea how the heck will she do it..It is just not realistic. Her child is still young.

 

I told her she has to divorce FIRST and then we decide together if we want to have a future. We had a very long conversation and she seemed very confused, desperated and blaming me for not giving her a solution. Then she blamed me for not trusting her (because I wasn't trusting any of her words). So finally she said she was going to separate and start to think what she is going to do. We are NC again.

 

She was my BIGGEST dream when I was in the A, now I don't know if I want her. I didn't take her seriously anyway. I told her not to rely on me because I won't wait for anything. I think she is broken and has depression issues. The more I think what it would be like to be together, the more I have doubts.

 

Thoughts ?

[denise_xo]

She said it very clearly, I can't leave my H to stay alone, if I leave, I want you to be ready for me...She complained that I never proposed her

 

...

 

She didn't even asked me if still want her.

 

....

 

Then she blamed me for not trusting her (because I wasn't trusting any of her words).

 

Red flags, red flags. As you know.

 

Make sure you keep the line you set up: she needs to divorce for herself, sort out her issues, place no expectations on you. Then see what happens from there, IF all of that happens.

 

Regarding custody issues: The people I know who are in similar situations have a set up where the child sees the partner overseas twice a year. I think that's what's probably realistic. But that's her problem, not yours.

[East7]

Make sure you keep the line you set up: she needs to divorce for herself, sort out her issues, place no expectations on you. Then see what happens from there.

 

Regarding custody issues: The people I know who are in similar situations have a set up where the child sees the partner overseas twice a year. I think that's what's probably realistic. But that's her problem, not yours.

 

Well said

That's what I told her, but less eloquently than you

 

Thanks for the overseas custody tip.

[Quiet Storm]

Don't you know that you are supposed to be her knight in shining armour?!!

 

In her mind, you have just been sitting there, waiting for her to call. she put the relationship on pause, and you were supposed to do that as well. Now that she wants it, it's time to push play again. She can't fathom that you have moved on. It's not a part of her fantasy.

 

Sometimes you need space to see a person for who they really are. I also think she is broken and depressed. I think she will bring much drama to your life.

 

Reminds me of that saying, "Hurt people, hurt people". I think that broken people, break people.

[KathyM]

Don't do it. She's not an emotionally healthy person. She's not a good prospect for a healthy relationship. Her child needs the father in her life, and that will be taken away from her if she moves to another country away from him. It's not good for you. It's not good for that child. Focus on finding a relationship that is not borne out of infidelity.

[denise_xo]

That's what I told her, but less eloquently than you

 

Oh, just send her to me and I'll explain it all

[East7]

Oh, just send her to me and I'll explain it all

 

Denise, I seriously thought I'd do that !

[whichwayisup]

Background : LDA of 1 year ended 2 years ago but we met once in-between, when it was supposed "ended".

 

She contacted me a week ago with the usual "I miss you"..Then we started chatting for a while. She said she finally "wants a future with me and her daughter, a new life for us. My fist reaction was "how do you want a future with me while you are still married" ? She said it very clearly, I can't leave my H to stay alone, if I leave, I want you to be ready for me...She complained that I never proposed her

 

I was thinking..WTF, now that I am happy, healed and I have moved on, she comes back with the BIG offer. She didn't even asked me if still want her. Basically she wants to find a solution for shared custody between US and Europe and I have no idea how the heck will she do it..It is just not realistic. Her child is still young.

 

I told her she has to divorce FIRST and then we decide together if we want to have a future. We had a very long conversation and she seemed very confused, desperated and blaming me for not giving her a solution. Then she blamed me for not trusting her (because I wasn't trusting any of her words). So finally she said she was going to separate and start to think what she is going to do. We are NC again.

 

She was my BIGGEST dream when I was in the A, now I don't know if I want her. I didn't take her seriously anyway. I told her not to rely on me because I won't wait for anything. I think she is broken and has depression issues. The more I think what it would be like to be together, the more I have doubts.

 

Thoughts ?

 

She will never let go of you because you keep on answering her emails, calls etc. East, what is truly holding you back from ignoring her? You say you're in NC again..For how long? It's more, she goes NC with you, disappears for a long time, then when she wants her ego stroked to make sure you're still 'there' on some level, she'll come sniffing around looking for you.

 

This woman is wacko and is never going to leave her husband. Her immature fantasy/wishful dream that she came up with is total fantasyland.

 

I wish I had a magic wand to make you forget all about her and never speak to her again.

[East7]

Don't you know that you are supposed to be her knight in shining armour?!!

 

I don't know why, but yes, she puts huge expectations on me. She thinks that I have to "take her away" and she will be happy with me.

 

In her mind, you have just been sitting there, waiting for her to call. she put the relationship on pause, and you were supposed to do that as well. Now that she wants it, it's time to push play again. She can't fathom that you have moved on. It's not a part of her fantasy.

 

I was single when I had the A with her, then I decided not to wait for her anymore. I have dated other people since 2 years while she was always married. Nothing has changed in her world, but many things have changed in mine.

[Furious]

Background :

 

She said it very clearly, I can't leave my H to stay alone

 

 

Thoughts ?

 

 

She is telling you this, and she has no idea that this is an insult to you.

[TigerCub]

East!!

 

I've missed you!

 

You know I don't like that woman - but I'm really not being biased with my response.

 

Plain & Simple: You don't want to be with a climber (a person that won't let go of one branch until they have the other).

 

She can't be on her own and she's would just be using you as a branch to just let go of the one she's grown tired of.

Who's to say she wouldn't do it to you, right?

 

Either way, she's full of crap and I'm glad you're not putting your life on hold waiting....but it musta felt at least a little validating to have the other side yearn and plead to get chosen

[RickFox]

East, brother, you have to stop answering her.

 

Don't set yourself up for more heartache man. Step back and see her for who she really is and do you really want her now?

 

I see my xmw clearer than ever, God help her if she tried to return now.... it ain't worth it man.

 

Just remember, if they cheat with you, they'll cheat on you. Leave her alone for good.

[East7]

East!!

 

I've missed you!

 

You know I don't like that woman - but I'm really not being biased with my response.

 

Plain & Simple: You don't want to be with a climber (a person that won't let go of one branch until they have the other).

 

She can't be on her own and she's would just be using you as a branch to just let go of the one she's grown tired of.

Who's to say she wouldn't do it to you, right?

 

Either way, she's full of crap and I'm glad you're not putting your life on hold waiting....but it musta felt at least a little validating to have the other side yearn and plead to get chosen

 

Tigresse, I have missed you too.

 

Don't be so jealous When are you coming to Pxxxxx ?

 

I know..I didn't like her climber attitude either. She had ALL the chances to be with me if she wanted to. Too little, too late..

[skylarblue]

I agree, red flags everywhere. Are you prepared to take care of her and her child because it seems like you'll just be swapping places with the H? She has already stated that she will not leave the security simply to be with you. And the added drama of tackling international custody. Are you okay with being in a relationship, being "chosen" basically as a solution for the custody issue? It sounds like a whole lot of headache, heartache, sacrifice, and money for someone who really isn't in it for you. Why even entertain the idea particularly if you've moved on and are content with your life?

[2sunny]

She's not divorced is she? If not - she's still married... And NOT available!

[Spark1111]

Depressed? Broken? Looking for a man to rescue her from her unhappiness?

 

You see now what you did not see then.

 

Kudos to you East.

 

She hasn't changed, you have.

 

She wasn't fine and wonderful and the love of your life.

 

You were vulnerable and projected all that onto her. You became attracted and then infatuated and then head over heels for a woman who did NOT SEE YOU, she only saw her rescuer from her sadness.

 

You saw the woman of your dreams, unavailable and needing rescuing.

 

The affair empowered both of you, because you both saw only what you wanted to see, and it fueled those feeling you NEEDED to feel at that point in your lives.

 

Not what WAS. You never saw what was always there to see.

 

But you do now. You are almost fully healed.

 

Newsflash: It is over. You are stronger. You will NEVER see her the way you once did. The fantasy is gone. You are not so vulnerable. You are seeing her as she always was.

 

Depressed, broken, needing rescuing, and desperate for you, anyone, to fix her unhappiness that is within herself.

[Miss Olivia]

Please forgive me in advance for being brutally honest, but this most be said. You rant about MWs being needy and selfish, that you're over yours for good...too little, too late, yada yada. All of the sudden she wants to divorce her husband to be with you and you are considering it? It discredits all you've said in the past. You are not over her and you never were. You, like many people, talk yourself into believing it's over or post about how you're over her and warn other people of MWs because they only want to play games. If you're really over, really, really, really over someone, if they e-mail and want you back, you have no doubts that you have really moved on. Sure, you've had changes in your life, but you still want her back. You haven't moved on because you're still here on Loveshack asking if you should give in again. The reality of the situation is she doesn't even know you nor do you know her anymore. You should have gone NC a long time ago, but you fooled yourself into thinking NC is for people who bury their heads in the sand. Not so, my friend. NC is for people who don't want to be on Loveshack for years pining after the same person. Not temporary NC...full blown NC...never see your face again. That's the kind of NC that keeps people sane and off the roller coaster. xMW has become bigger than life to you. I'd be willing to bet that if she left her husband, moved in with you and you got to be step-dad, you'd get a big reality check and it might not be such a good reality. Maybe that's what it takes.

[Miss Olivia]

I will add this too. Since xMW's child is still young, the child deserves stability. The mom may not be smart enough to realize that, but you should be. A completely selfless thing to do would be to stay out of their lives so that you at least you are not contributing to that young child's confusion and instability. Unless you want to marry her and make the committment to raise her child, I'd run for the hills. :D:D

[TigerCub]

I will add this too. Since xMW's child is still young, the child deserves stability. The mom may not be smart enough to realize that, but you should be. A completely selfless thing to do would be to stay out of their lives so that you at least you are not contributing to that young child's confusion and instability. Unless you want to marry her and make the committment to raise her child, I'd run for the hills. :D:D

 

So that kid's stability is on East now?

 

What about parents actually taking accountability for their children and what their actions do to those kids?

 

What about the father that knew his wife is being shady, but didn't dump her ass - at least guaranteeing that the kid gets at least 1/2 her custody with a sane person with a backbone.

 

What about the conniving mother that needs to work her issues out and either fully commit to her family or make a break from her husband and concentrate on raising her child.

 

East isn't trying to play daddy and confuse this girl.

Also, if it wasn't East, it would be some other guy (sorry East, but its true).

 

East isn't involved with this woman anymore, the A has been over and while his NC isn't the version you're approving of, the truth is he's not interfering in that woman's life, she's the one breaking NC.

 

I do agree that East should have complete NC with her, but to actually imply that his involvement is what's going to take away that kid's stability and pretty much screw her up is totally unfair, that's on her parents.

[veryhappy]

Timing is everything right? You were dreaming of rescuing her at the time, but not anymore.

 

If you have healed, no point in opening the wound. If you haven't though, it's good to see her for who she is. I don't think she'll follow through even if you are there, waiting for her. If you still want her, you can try (setting a timeframe would be crucial), but be prepared for another disappointment. If she wanted a solution from you for her divorce, it means she doesn't see herself doing that. And nobody can get her divorced but herself.

 

If you are done, done slam the door and never look back. If you are not, call her bluff and slam that door. Don't fall into romantic stuff though, keep it about getting a divorce.

[East7]

Please forgive me in advance for being brutally honest, but this most be said. You rant about MWs being needy and selfish, that you're over yours for good...too little, too late, yada yada. All of the sudden she wants to divorce her husband to be with you and you are considering it? It discredits all you've said in the past. You are not over her and you never were. You, like many people, talk yourself into believing it's over or post about how you're over her and warn other people of MWs because they only want to play games. If you're really over, really, really, really over someone, if they e-mail and want you back, you have no doubts that you have really moved on. Sure, you've had changes in your life, but you still want her back. You haven't moved on because you're still here on Loveshack asking if you should give in again. The reality of the situation is she doesn't even know you nor do you know her anymore. You should have gone NC a long time ago, but you fooled yourself into thinking NC is for people who bury their heads in the sand. Not so, my friend. NC is for people who don't want to be on Loveshack for years pining after the same person. Not temporary NC...full blown NC...never see your face again. That's the kind of NC that keeps people sane and off the roller coaster. xMW has become bigger than life to you. I'd be willing to bet that if she left her husband, moved in with you and you got to be step-dad, you'd get a big reality check and it might not be such a good reality. Maybe that's what it takes.

 

Very powerful

 

I like people who are brutally honest. I feel it makes me a better man.

[East7]

I will add this too. Since xMW's child is still young, the child deserves stability. The mom may not be smart enough to realize that, but you should be. A completely selfless thing to do would be to stay out of their lives so that you at least you are not contributing to that young child's confusion and instability. Unless you want to marry her and make the committment to raise her child, I'd run for the hills. :D:D

 

Well, from the beginning she said she is staying for the child, but I never believed it. Now I think that part of it is really true.

 

I DID stay away from her life. I never contacted or bothered her, NEVER. She has tried to stay in conact through the years and I have rejected/ignored her many times but still tried to stay civil and respect her.

 

I AM concerned about the child, I don't want to cause pain and to be the cause of the drama. From other people's experience, it seems that in the most cases, children who know the step-parent having been former OW/OM have a lot of issues accepting them. There may be a lot of resent and raising a child that will hate me is something that freaks me out as well.

 

I also think about her H. He has done nothing wrong for another man gets away his wife. I feel awful just at the idea of it ! Another reason why she need to take her life decisions without me in the picture. That has to be a deeply thought and balanced decision. I don't want to be part of it and - above all - I don't wait or expect anything from her!

[2sunny]

Well, from the beginning she said she is staying for the child, but I never believed it. Now I think that part of it is really true.

 

I DID stay away from her life. I never contacted or bothered her, NEVER. She has tried to stay in conact through the years and I have rejected/ignored her many times but still tried to stay civil and respect her.

 

I AM concerned about the child, I don't want to cause pain and to be the cause of the drama. From other people's experience, it seems that in the most cases, children who know the step-parent having been former OW/OM have a lot of issues accepting them. There may be a lot of resent and raising a child that will hate me is something that freaks me out as well.

 

I also think about her H. He has done nothing wrong for another man gets away his wife. I feel awful just at the idea of it ! Another reason why she need to take her life decisions without me in the picture. That has to be a deeply thought and balanced decision. I don't want to be part of it and - above all - I don't wait or expect anything from her!

 

Does this mean you never intend to have contact with her again?

 

Normally when our brain processes an idea or thought - we take action that supports that idea or thought.

 

Why ever speak to her again? I don't see any reason to - given that you give many good reasons to stay away from the mess she's offered to you.

[Circular]

As many of us that have been in the situations know, it can take a very very long time to get over the AP, be us an OM/OW or MM/MW. Most of these relationships are cut short, ended not because either AP really wants them to end but because ending them serves the best interests of everyone, one of the APs realizes they can't give more, or won't give more and things end for what is believed is the better good. Granted, not all A's are the same, some truly reach deep emotional attachment, others are flings, others are lying MW/MM who are taking advantage/using another person to offload their inability to take action in their own lives, not any single A is cut from the same cloth. No single person is, so how could two be?

 

There's a long process that follows, the grief of it all, then we tend to vilify the AP to rationalize why they were wrong for us, not good, a bad person, they are a cheater, they have to be bad or created bad in our minds to justify why the A had to end, prematurely, before a normal relationship could take its full course. I see this played out over and over on this board, day-in, day-out... yet these folks are still here, evidence that as much pain, heartache, disillusionment exists we cling on to our rationalizations to keep us sane, yet the hearts of many are still deeply involved. I don't know how many times I've seen someone turn a 180 even 3 or 4 years later of NC when the xAP reaches out.

 

I've followed East's story now for a few years, we've talked via messages, he knows my take on this situation. My true belief is that East is still very attached to his xMW, that the mere posting here is evidence in itself of how much he needs to have the answer to one of the bigger questions in his life, is this woman THE woman? I believe his heart needs the answer, no manner of logic, reasonings or rationalizations are going to change what his heart feels, or how deeply rooted his attachment with this woman is, he needs to know the answer. She says she loves him and is willing to jump over the nearest mountain to realize her desire, so East, it's simple, make her jump over that mountain. Because given your history here, I think you've come full circle.

 

My only advice, based on the route I chose in my A is think of the children first, do what's right for them, no child deserves a broken home, or becoming an adult to soon, you should realize that they will suffer regardless. In my A I would have waited many years to preserve the stability of the children's home life, even in the worst cases you can still find integrity, responsibility to do the right things.

[denise_xo]

My true belief is that East is still very attached to his xMW, that the mere posting here is evidence in itself of how much he needs to have the answer to one of the bigger questions in his life, is this woman THE woman? I believe his heart needs the answer, no manner of logic, reasonings or rationalizations are going to change what his heart feels, or how deeply rooted his attachment with this woman is, he needs to know the answer. She says she loves him and is willing to jump over the nearest mountain to realize her desire, so East, it's simple, make her jump over that mountain. Because given your history here, I think you've come full circle.

 

Circular, I thought your post was excellent, and this point in particular. I really agree.