Marrying a Widower and Late Wife's family

[Nuprin]

I guess this is past tense more so than anything, but I recently married a widower. He's a wonderful man whom I consider my soul mate. He was once married before for a very VERY short time - a tragic story really - but she passed away unexpectedly. His courtship with her was also very short too but she happened to be the sister of his best friend from college. Fast forward 4 years and he met me and we fell in love. We decided to commit to one another and planned a wedding.

 

The problem is that I was never introduced to his late wife's family (they all live in another state), and he rarely sees them (like once in the past four years). He contacts them periodically through FB because the "BIL" has daughters whom he consider his nieces.

 

Anyway, when we decided who to invite to our restricted guest list wedding, he wanted his late wife's siblings, and even though I felt weirded out by it, I didn't object to it because he wanted them there. We had a scheduled RSVP due date and we even sent out Save the Dates well in advance. One sibling RSVP'ed NO on FB (to his account). She didn't even bother to send in the card. We heard nothing from his supposed best friend and brother in law until my husband then fiance had to email him to solicit a response. He texted on the day the RSVPs were due that they would come. Fast foward to the wedding, and 2 days before the wedding, he FB messages my husband that he couldn't make it with a seemingly bogus medical issue. Then he never bothered to send a card even.

 

It kind of upset me that this man whom my husband believes is as close to him as a brother is acting so asinine. I know the circumstances are uncomfortable for everyone involved, but it irks me that he couldn't just say NO in the beginning before getting my husband's hopes up and then costing me several hundred dollars for their plates (it's expensive to have weddings in this city). One of my closest gal pal recently moved into the city the BIL lives in so I am planning to visit soon. I think my husband expects us to visit the BIL as well, but I want to put my foot down and be a brat about it. Am I justified?

[KathyM]

My sister has a similar situation than you. She recently married a widower who is good friends with his late wife's family. My sister also felt weird about inviting them to the wedding, and she decided against it. The late wife's siblings asked to be invited to the wedding, but my sister thought it was kind of a weird vibe to have them there. She told her husband that if he wants to stay in contact with them, he should feel free to, but there really is no reason for her to get to know them. They are not related to her and she has no interest in befriending them. I'd suggest you tell your husband he should go himself to visit them when he feels the need to visit, but you would feel a little uncomfortable about it, and would rather not be included in those visits.

[Lauriebell82]

I agree with Kathy, if he would like to see them then he can do it on his own time and without you involved. If he is a good husband then he will understand.

[RiverRunning]

I'm with the others, Nuprin. They're not your in-laws and as sad as it is that his wife passed away, you should not have to spend your marriage participating in a blast-to-the-past. I know that probably comes off as insensitive, but it's also true: you have no history with these people and no reason to visit them, and it likely is always going to be at least a little weird, maybe even uncomfortable, for everybody involved.

 

That's classless of those who RSVPed to back out at the last minute. Short of dying, throwing up or pooping everywhere or something else along those lines, you really need to make a wedding if you've RSVPed. But it's even more reason that you don't need them involved in YOUR life. They can, however, still be in your husband's life.