He wants to wait.

[alexandria35]

Why did he and his wife seperate. What does he tell you is the reason for that marriage not working out?

[travelbug1996]

He said she was cheating however he didn't have concrete proof. He also said they were sleeping in separate bedrooms for 6 months and no communication.

[Tara247]

The "final stages" of divorce?

So the guy is married.

 

Call me skeptical, but the guy could be desperately trying to get back with his wife. He may want to be in the company of another woman, but doesn't want to technically "cheat" in case the wife takes him back. That includes something as benign as kissing.

 

Sorry, his "having restrictions" story sounds fishy to me.

There's a reason why this guy needs a clear conscience.

 

It doesn't sound like the two of you are even a couple.

 

I agree with this. I don't trust him.

[sad puppy]

One of the handiest rules in relationships as well in other life arenas is this:

 

If it doesn't make sense, then it usually isn't true.

 

Which is to say you should stop looking for complex explanations. By searching for complex explanations you are really just looking for ways to rationalize your behavior (in spite of your gut warning you something is wrong).

 

Deep down, you know its quite possible that you're being lied to or that he is omitting the full truth. In fact, not just possible -but likely. But you'd rather not accept that possibility, because you'd rather embark on a romantic relationship (without having guilt) with a man you are sexually attracted to. Hence, you are on a forum searching for answers (rationalizations) to validate your choice.

 

Realize that what you're doing (rejecting the simple explanation in order to accept a more complex explanation) is logical fallacy. It is driven by desire (and not logic). It is the what many here call the "fog." And it is a huge red flag.

 

If a hot-blooded heterosexual male doesn't want to at least even kiss you, then clearly he's aknowledging/respecting an established boundary. Bottom line (wife or whatever else) is that he deems you to be (morally, ethically) off limits.

 

Proceed at your own risk.

 

Wow, Fitz, I should have you on speed dial - well thought out!

[travelbug1996]

Well, turns out he was extremely passive aggressive. We started getting serious in November. We spent holidays together and birthdays. He took a more passive approach and said to me that his laid back approach would "frustrate" people at times. He said this after we broke up. I'm like "why gt in a relationship if you're gonna take this approach"? Doesn't make a bit of sense to me.

 

 

 

Fast forward to a couple months ago. I sensed him pulling a away a bit not initiating as much contact and I brought up the topic. I was grieving the death of my dad at the time so I was emotional but not disrespectful. I didn't yell curse or criticize him. I expressed to him that we agreed that once his divorce was over which is was late Dec that we would spend more time together. He had spent the previous weekend with his buddies knowing that I only had weekends mostly free.

 

He did not like that I confronted him (he told me he didn't like conflict) and abruptly stopped calling me like I never existed. I sensed that he might be being manipulative so I didn't bite the bait and chase him.

 

 

I honestly wanted to see if the man that claimed to love me could go from consistently contacting me to just cutting me off. Well, he did just that. Two weeks passed, I was devastated and crushed.

 

At that point. I didn't want to talk to him either so I mailed him his things.

 

Well, now he hates me. WTF??

 

He said I broke up with him and that I should have called him after he didn't call me. He says that he thought I was being rude in the way I was speaking to him. Somehow taking the focus off WHAT I said now making me the problem and focusing on HOW I said it. That felt manipulative

 

I get the feeling that if I had done that (called him) that would have set the pace for how we deal with conflict i.e he shuts down and I start mind reading and second guessing myself.

 

I expressed to him that he could have stayed consistent in his contact and told me the next day that he didn't like how I expressed myself. Mind you, still no talk of what my issue was.

 

Its been a couple months and I have tried to have a conversation with me and he resists. Example is that he said he would call when he returned from vacation and didn't (after 3 days). when I expressed that he need not bother he says I'm being impulsive and he was gonna call. I remember him saying that his xw would get in his face and rage at him.

 

I feel like he tried to provoke me to anger but it didn't happen. He has described me as having a mean streak because I sent him his things. Its like he wants me to snap on him but I'm more self aware than that..

 

Honestly I think he's silently angry at the xw and I've heard that passive aggressive try to provoke others to express the anger that they can't.

 

I don't know but what I do know if that communication is important to me. I'm not the best but I don't withdraw or give the silent treatment and I can't allow myself to be treated in such a way. I want to be with a man that will tell me he needs time out to think. But a man that will abruptly cut me off and not even validate my existence feels really strange to me.

[travelbug1996]

Alexandria thank you so much because I kept thinking for a while "you broke up with him now you have to make it up to him". I had to stop thinking like that and realize I deserve someone that will support me especially while I'm grieving.

 

He even got me to apologize to him for "how" I talked to him hoping he would say he was wrong for emotionally and physically withdrawing from me but he never did. Which says to me that he didn't see anything wrong with not calling me.

 

I think he was a psychopath. Just seemed emotionless at times and had no compassion for what I was dealing with.

 

This really did a trick on my mind honestly though. I have never met a man that claimed to love me so much to just withdraw like that. I was in shock. My heart is still hurting after 2.5 months.

 

I'm really proud of myself that I didn't react and start acting like a crazy person.