Chips24 Posted September 7, 2012 Share Posted September 7, 2012 (edited) How did you reconcile with your ex? 1/ Did they feed you bread crumbs (test the water) for a few months before they asked you back? or 2/ Did they straight up tell you they wanted you back? Edited September 7, 2012 by Chips24 Link to post Share on other sites
BDranger Posted September 7, 2012 Share Posted September 7, 2012 It all depends. Think about it like this, would you ever contact an ex and the first thing you want to say is "Hey I screwed up, I changed I can prove it and I will do anything to get you back." Sometimes you will need to work up somebody for them to have enough confidence to say that they do want you back. I would personally say just go with the flow, and only contact when you are in a intelligent, and not emotional, mindset. Good luck! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Chips24 Posted September 7, 2012 Author Share Posted September 7, 2012 Thanks BDranger. Good way to look at it... I personally would work my way up to it... I'm a dumpee, my ex bf contacted me 4 months after NC asking to have coffee with me. Since coffee we have had very casual email convo but i'm just unsure of his intentions. I'm not initiating contact and will only responding to contact worthwhile - I just didn't take him for a guy who would intentionally mess with my feelings and I also don't believe he'd lay it all out either so I'm intrigued. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden Posted September 7, 2012 Share Posted September 7, 2012 Read the 'All-New Caliguy No Contact Guide' in my signature. In my experience, as far as I have known, if a dumper wants you back, they will say so. Because they're afraid that with more time that passes, the more the opportunity for reconciliation will slip by. 99% of the time, it's just breadcrumbs, to make themselves feel better, not you. Read the link. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BDranger Posted September 7, 2012 Share Posted September 7, 2012 Like Tara said, Caliguy's guide is awesome. You didn't offer up any personal situation so I'm guessing you're the dumpee. If so, just live for now and have fun. Let her or him come back and then just take it slow, if they choose to say "hey im sorry I want a 2nd chance" then it is up to you. Just do not be emotional and respond back, always take your time with each contact. And also understand how you are as a person, who the dumper was, and if a 2nd chance is even something you would consider. You'll be fine dude. take care Link to post Share on other sites
tallydoo Posted September 7, 2012 Share Posted September 7, 2012 Mine tested the waters for about a month, and then finally showed up at my door and said that he wanted to try dating again. Nonchalance or being friendly without being friends is probably the best way to go--that way, you get to keep your emotional distance and go about your business while still allowing them the chance to approach you. I hope this helps! Like BDranger said, really reflect on the relationship and make sure that it would actually be something that you want. It's good to set aside some time to think about what you would say in the event of a reconciliation, so that you can keep your head and make sure that you can evaluate it with some semblance of objectivity--it was a little bit flabbergasting for me. Link to post Share on other sites
jerba Posted September 8, 2012 Share Posted September 8, 2012 Just wanted to say thanks for the advice to everyone in this thread since I'm going through something similar. I made a post with all of my details so I won't get into it but its an extremely confusing situation in which I was dumped out of the blue for reasons that made no sense, just a few days after she had an emotionally stressful situation and one day after she told me she wanted to get more serious and start birth control. I've been extremely confused for the last few weeks but I've realized that I didn't deserve to be treated like that after how I've been there for her. I'm going to listen to your advice and continue no contact and bettering myself. If she decides to reach out I'll weigh my options at the time and figure out what I really want. Link to post Share on other sites
CaliGuy Posted September 15, 2012 Share Posted September 15, 2012 How did you reconcile with your ex? 1/ Did they feed you bread crumbs (test the water) for a few months before they asked you back? or 2/ Did they straight up tell you they wanted you back? What I learned is a) They throw breadcrumbs to keep you around until... b) They find someone else they like better. I haven't dated anyone who dumped me that TRULY wanted a second chance. I learned a long time ago that it's a breakup because it's broken (just like the book) and nothing YOU personally do is going to fix it. If you're dumped, the best thing you can do is read my guide, dust yourself off and move forward. There's a Biblical passage that I think hits home: "No man who plows the field while looking behind him shall inherent the Kingdom of God". Even God said "Hey man, don't stare longing into the past, it will destroy your present and future!" Cheers. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Hindsight_is_20_20 Posted September 15, 2012 Share Posted September 15, 2012 It all depends. I would personally say just go with the flow, and only contact when you are in a intelligent, and not emotional, mindset. True. But the thing is, when you're not an emotional wreck anymore, you won't want them back anyways. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden Posted September 15, 2012 Share Posted September 15, 2012 What I learned is a) They throw breadcrumbs to keep you around until... b) They find someone else they like better. I haven't dated anyone who dumped me that TRULY wanted a second chance. I learned a long time ago that it's a breakup because it's broken (just like the book) and nothing YOU personally do is going to fix it. If you're dumped, the best thing you can do is read my guide, dust yourself off and move forward. There's a Biblical passage that I think hits home: "No man who plows the field while looking behind him shall inherent the Kingdom of God". Even God said "Hey man, don't stare longing into the past, it will destroy your present and future!" Cheers. I adore this man with a passion, but will he marry me? Hell no. I suppose that we've never met, live on different continents and I'm probably old enough to be his mother, might be factors, but I just call that picky.... Link to post Share on other sites
soccerrprp Posted September 15, 2012 Share Posted September 15, 2012 (edited) Thanks BDranger. Good way to look at it... I personally would work my way up to it... I'm a dumpee, my ex bf contacted me 4 months after NC asking to have coffee with me. Since coffee we have had very casual email convo but i'm just unsure of his intentions. I'm not initiating contact and will only responding to contact worthwhile - I just didn't take him for a guy who would intentionally mess with my feelings and I also don't believe he'd lay it all out either so I'm intrigued. Chips24, I'm currently back with my ex after she broke NC and gave me some ENORMOUS breadcrumbs to nibble on. And, then, of course we met to seal the deal, but I have similar feelings about her as you do with your ex. I'm being very cautious and currently making her do all the initiating. Any sign or slip-up on her part and I'm going NC again. She seemed to have been trying, but most recent event has me in NC. I'm happily (and strangely) okay with it. I think this feeling of border-line ambivalence has much to do with the fact that I have become less invested emotionally and that I have taken control of my emotions. I have a take it or leave it attitude, probably not entirely good, but safer. I make certain that it is her that must show me how much she wants me. I would just sit back and see how much work he puts into reigniting whatever it is meant to be. Just be certain that you are not in the emotional position that your strings will be easily manipulated or pulled.... Edited September 15, 2012 by soccerrprp Link to post Share on other sites
Matt145 Posted September 15, 2012 Share Posted September 15, 2012 Mine threw breadcrumbs at me for 2 months and in this 2 months she was kinda seeing a new guy. Then she asked me if i wanted to try again a week ago and this guy is still trying to rob her off me while we are in the proccess of taking things slow, yeah hes a ****ing *******. I cant say anything to him either or punch his face in because i will ruin my chances. Link to post Share on other sites
ItsAllOver Posted September 16, 2012 Share Posted September 16, 2012 True. But the thing is, when you're not an emotional wreck anymore, you won't want them back anyways. Maybe. Maybe not. Part of the problem with this thread is that you have SO many people coming on here talking in absolutes (whether hopeful or not) who have probably never reconciled with an ex. That's why it would be SO helpful if you did actually have more people come on here who have reconciled. I myself would like to know how the numbers compare in terms of people who get back with their exes as a result of breadcrumbs and building things up over the long haul vs having your ex coming back and pounding down your door. Knowing this would be both more helpful and interesting than simply hearing mere speculation and opinion. Then again, those people who HAVE gotten back with their exes and are happy in a relationship are probably not on message boards talking about such things. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
CaliGuy Posted September 16, 2012 Share Posted September 16, 2012 I adore this man with a passion, but will he marry me? Hell no. I suppose that we've never met, live on different continents and I'm probably old enough to be his mother, might be factors, but I just call that picky.... You're a sweetheart, Tara. And I will add that you've done a lot for recovering relationship disasters on LS than I ever will. Keep up the good work. PS: I have no idea where you're from! Link to post Share on other sites
CaliGuy Posted September 16, 2012 Share Posted September 16, 2012 True. But the thing is, when you're not an emotional wreck anymore, you won't want them back anyways. Can I get an AMEN?! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
soccerrprp Posted September 16, 2012 Share Posted September 16, 2012 Can I get an AMEN?! AMEN, brother! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Clarice Posted September 17, 2012 Share Posted September 17, 2012 I got my ex back by sending him a letter and apologising for my part in the breakup. I didn't beg and did not take all the blame. I spoke from the heart and he could tell. I didn't give him breadcrumbs, I told him straight I wanted to try again. There is no point in trying again if you can't give it your all. If you have to play games then it's not a serious relationship. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Sebastian76 Posted September 21, 2012 Share Posted September 21, 2012 The way it worked for was as follows. We broke up while she was backpacking SE asia. Too much jealousy to make it worthwhile. Both of us slept with numerous people while broken up. Started meeting for a beer or two 4-5 months later, ended up having sex 3-4 times. Each time sex was great but it sucked because she still didn't want me back and got more distant for each time. So finally I pulled myself together and said 'no more, this isn't working for me, and went NC after that. After 3 weeks she came crawling begging to start again for real. I stupidly said ok and we were together for 9 more months. Turned out that during that time when we slept together again, she was really into somebody from our town that she had hooked up with in Asia. During those 3 weeks of me doing NC he had dumped her and she felt alone and got back to me. Nine months later she cheats on me with the very same guy. Apparently he felt like banging her and she was ready, probably were all nine months. I dumped her on the spot, he dumped her after that and havent heard from her since... 4 months NC now. Hope I never meet her again. If you really want to get back together make sure they are for the right reasons. Usually the dumpers reasons are not good enough. The grass wasn't greener, they felt lonely, they got dumped etc. etc. None of it having anything to do with her loving you. Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden Posted September 22, 2012 Share Posted September 22, 2012 You're a sweetheart, Tara. And I will add that you've done a lot for recovering relationship disasters on LS than I ever will. Keep up the good work. PS: I have no idea where you're from! The UK. see? Just a short hop. By plane..... Whenever a guy says you're a sweetheart, it's over. You know you're history. Friend-Zoned. Breadcrumb-time.... Go No Contact, do not answer your phone, do not text, do not.... ....oh.... hang on..... Link to post Share on other sites
CaliGuy Posted September 24, 2012 Share Posted September 24, 2012 The UK. see? Just a short hop. By plane..... Whenever a guy says you're a sweetheart, it's over. You know you're history. Friend-Zoned. Breadcrumb-time.... Go No Contact, do not answer your phone, do not text, do not.... ....oh.... hang on..... Haha, don't be surprised if I make it over there. I've been talking about it. I actually chatted with someone from this board that I *REALLY* liked a lot but she disappeared like four years ago and we haven't talked since. Was a shame too but probably too young for this "old" man anyway -- haha! But if I can swing a dealio, I will let ya know when I am headed that way. Link to post Share on other sites
Lemontang Posted September 25, 2012 Share Posted September 25, 2012 ... be SO helpful if you did actually have more people come on here who have reconciled. I myself would like to know how the numbers compare in terms of people who get back with their exes as a result of breadcrumbs... I had a few reconciles over the years. One girl I was with for 3 years, and broke up and got together again more times than Imelda Marcos had shoes. Sometimes it would be me that chased, sometimes it was her, but always with breadcrumbs. It was fairly comedic. But we were also fairly young so not much relationship experience under the belt back then. Another girl I was with for 9 years, we broke up twice all by me and with me chasing afterwards doing the doorstep "take me back" line, especially after she left some crumbs. She took me back each time, because in essence it was a good relationship and I was...well an asshat. We never fought and if anything the only reason it failed was we simply became friends more than lovers and wanted different things in our careers. We parted mutually in the end. Another I was with for 3 years was a real mess, she screwed up pretty bad and broke things off when I started to question things, but then changed her mind. I was then silly enough to take her back only to pay for it ten fold which resulted in me breaking up with her. She left a number of breadcrumbs afterwards but I learn't that some leopards don't change their spots. So chose not to eat any. Reconciles though can happen over time as well. After the messed up relationship the 9 year one got in contact with me and we considered taking another shot. The career issue now coupled with distance weighed heavily so we never took it to the next level and decided to stick to friends only. To add further. The 1st relationship got in contact with me shortly after I started dating a girl I'm with now wanting another shot (15 year gap, lol). Throwing out a lot of I wish you were single comments. At first I thought she was kidding, I later learn't she wasn't. Of course I'm taken so she had to deal with that not me. But she still asks me to give her a call should I ever fall single again. I don't intend to since my current partner and I are talking about marriage & kids. Heck I even recommend mates of mine for her to date instead. lol In summary, each relationship is different (duh). Some relationships do deserve a 2nd chance even if it does fail in the end. I'm good friends with some of them still and comfortable with that. Others relationships however do not, no matter how many breadcrumbs are thrown. The tricks just a matter of knowing which one you can see will enrich your future and which one will take from your future instead. Sadly this is mostly learn't through experience. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden Posted September 25, 2012 Share Posted September 25, 2012 Haha, don't be surprised if I make it over there. I've been talking about it. I actually chatted with someone from this board that I *REALLY* liked a lot but she disappeared like four years ago and we haven't talked since. Was a shame too but probably too young for this "old" man anyway -- haha! But if I can swing a dealio, I will let ya know when I am headed that way. That would be cool, really it would. All kidding aside, I'll drop you my email addy in a PM. What you do with it, is down to you. You're "old"? Way to go to make me feel sooooooooo much better! I must go, my zimmer frame needs polishing - ! Talk soon, CG!! Link to post Share on other sites
NoMoreJerks Posted September 26, 2012 Share Posted September 26, 2012 The UK. see? Just a short hop. By plane..... Ha! My ex is from the UK. Met him here in Canada while he was on one of his frequent business trips. Link to post Share on other sites
golk Posted September 27, 2012 Share Posted September 27, 2012 My ex threw breadcrumbs for about a month then we gave it another shot. It's only been like a month and things are a bit shaky. It seems like unless they come right out and say, "I WANT to be with you, I messed up." THen it probably isn't genuine. Link to post Share on other sites
lemonlime Posted September 27, 2012 Share Posted September 27, 2012 We went no contact for 6 weeks, emailed back and forth a few times, and then went nc for another 6 weeks. I'm actually the one (dumpee) that reached out to him. Initially he seemed not to excited about the idea. When I was like thats fine, I'm done, he really wanted to meet up. I tried the whole act just like a friend and catch up for at least the first meeting, but then he mentioned he'd been on one date (that was the extent of his testing the waters btw) and I started crying. I couldnt help it, ironic since I'm the one that had kinda dated someone for a few weeks. Anyway, he asked if I wanted to go talk in the car. Then the conversation took a more serious turn, and when we left, we'd decided we were gonna see if things could work. It wasnt something where we just jumped back in though. We both had screwed up at the end and we were both cautious about certain things. The other person had claimed theyd changed, but we each had to prove it to the other. We took it slow. Started out with one date a week, no sex. Then started meeting up more. Started having relations. Slowly decided to bring my son back into the mix. It was about three months before we were officially back together. Link to post Share on other sites
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