Meddling In-Laws-to-Be

[venusianx13]

I posted a pre-cursor to this thread in the Spirituality forum, because the first experience I had with my boyfriend's family being intrusive/negative/meddling was such that his mother had some incorrect pre-conceived notions about my religion (I am a Buddhist) and seemed to be trying to "warn" him about me. At any rate, supposedly, it's a closed case, as my boyfriend explained to her what Buddhism is really about, and that I'm not going to spend hours a day locked away, meditating, or months off on retreat somewhere. I trust him to guard my heart, and that's exactly what he did in this case.

 

However, he recently went to visit his parents a few states away, and innocently told me that his sister, who is very much like his mother in that she is somewhat narrow-minded, does not work, and has a lot of idle time on her hands, had an opinion on the direction of our relationship. Apparently during his visit, he made it clear to his parents that he was serious about me, that he wanted a future with me, and didn't really want to keep either of us waiting much longer (I'm almost 30, he's 30). We truly are best friends and an amazing match.

 

So, I should be thrilled, right? Well, what should be a very happy and exciting time for us is met with a lot of negativity. Aside from the religious confusion with his mother, his sister had voiced an opinion on the fact that I bring with me into this relationship, a 7 year old child. She sees this as an obstacle, a bad thing, a thing to be avoided and perhaps, reconsidered. Hearing this really hurt. I met his sister, her little girl, and her husband one time, and had really liked them. I asked my boyfriend why he would tell me this, and he told me it's because he's very different from her and that he disagrees. I believe this is true, but it still hurts, and I told him that. (he's kind, but sometimes a little too transparent - I told him that this info was not necessary UNLESS it caused him to have a change of heart, which he has not.)

 

I further inquired as to how she had come to know the extent of the seriousness of our relationship, and as if I didn't know, his mom had called her during the weekend he was visiting, and told her "the news." Why all of this meddling? I'm feeling very discouraged because I've only met his family a handful of times due to the distance between us. And the times I had been with them were pleasant, I thought? I don't want to resent these people before I truly know them, and vice-versa. I thought this was my second shot at a happy ending, and to be quite honest, I'm becoming very afraid of this negative influence. I believe that my boyfriend loves me with all his heart - everyone sees it, he wears his heart on his sleeve for me, but his mother and sister seem somehow less than thrilled with me and they haven't even gotten to know me yet.

 

I don't want this to impact pleasant relations between myself and them or myself and my boyfriend. I am planning a future with this man and all of this is quite frustrating and hurtful. I am supposed to spend Thanksgiving with them, as he wants to be sure I get a chance to meet his aging grandmother. Is there anyone here who can advise me with some kind of wisdom in regards to meddling in-laws or family members? Intellectually, I know what I SHOULD do, but I feel my emotions may be clouding my good judgment and I may not end up handling this well at all.

[Radu]

I posted a pre-cursor to this thread in the Spirituality forum, because the first experience I had with my boyfriend's family being intrusive/negative/meddling was such that his mother had some incorrect pre-conceived notions about my religion (I am a Buddhist) and seemed to be trying to "warn" him about me. At any rate, supposedly, it's a closed case, as my boyfriend explained to her what Buddhism is really about, and that I'm not going to spend hours a day locked away, meditating, or months off on retreat somewhere. I trust him to guard my heart, and that's exactly what he did in this case.

I read that thread, you almost went into panic mode and sent her a book on Buddhism.

 

However, he recently went to visit his parents a few states away, and innocently told me that his sister, who is very much like his mother in that she is somewhat narrow-minded, does not work, and has a lot of idle time on her hands, had an opinion on the direction of our relationship. Apparently during his visit, he made it clear to his parents that he was serious about me, that he wanted a future with me, and didn't really want to keep either of us waiting much longer (I'm almost 30, he's 30). We truly are best friends and an amazing match.

Would you prefer a guy that wasn't so transparent ?

These ppl you can read like a book.

 

So, I should be thrilled, right? Well, what should be a very happy and exciting time for us is met with a lot of negativity. Aside from the religious confusion with his mother, his sister had voiced an opinion on the fact that I bring with me into this relationship, a 7 year old child. She sees this as an obstacle, a bad thing, a thing to be avoided and perhaps, reconsidered. Hearing this really hurt. I met his sister, her little girl, and her husband one time, and had really liked them. I asked my boyfriend why he would tell me this, and he told me it's because he's very different from her and that he disagrees. I believe this is true, but it still hurts, and I told him that. (he's kind, but sometimes a little too transparent - I told him that this info was not necessary UNLESS it caused him to have a change of heart, which he has not.)

Would you have preferred he kept it hidden, and many yrs from now to find it out ?

It's good that he told you, so you can be on the lookout and to prepare yourself to make a good impression.

And tbh, if i had a 30yr old brother, i would also tell him to not get involved with a single mother; it's not because all are bad or something like that, it's just that i have his particular best interest at heart and i know nothing of that specific single mother.

 

I further inquired as to how she had come to know the extent of the seriousness of our relationship, and as if I didn't know, his mom had called her during the weekend he was visiting, and told her "the news." Why all of this meddling? I'm feeling very discouraged because I've only met his family a handful of times due to the distance between us. And the times I had been with them were pleasant, I thought? I don't want to resent these people before I truly know them, and vice-versa. I thought this was my second shot at a happy ending, and to be quite honest, I'm becoming very afraid of this negative influence. I believe that my boyfriend loves me with all his heart - everyone sees it, he wears his heart on his sleeve for me, but his mother and sister seem somehow less than thrilled with me and they haven't even gotten to know me yet.

Oh pls, it's not an attack to your happy ending, not yet anyway.

And they are not meddling.

 

I don't want this to impact pleasant relations between myself and them or myself and my boyfriend. I am planning a future with this man and all of this is quite frustrating and hurtful. I am supposed to spend Thanksgiving with them, as he wants to be sure I get a chance to meet his aging grandmother. Is there anyone here who can advise me with some kind of wisdom in regards to meddling in-laws or family members? Intellectually, I know what I SHOULD do, but I feel my emotions may be clouding my good judgment and I may not end up handling this well at all.

Didn't the relationships you had before were affected by meddling ?

I think you are becoming hypersensitive to this kind of behaviour, and your emotions are literally jumping the gun.

 

Have you tried imagining your life 'after this relationship', to give you some peace of mind that the world won't end with this relationship ?

I think you are becoming outcome dependent as a result of your past relationships and of your own situation [single mom].

Being 'outcome dependent' is like a state where you are afraid of acting because you can't ensure the positive outcome of the interaction.

Slowly you get stuck in a form of limbo characterised by anxiety to social interactions that you see as possibly at some point not working for you.

But being stuck in this limbo is worse than just actually going forward with the social interaction, because while you do have a chance to mess it up, by being stuck you ensure you will have no positive outcome.

Those ppl that will not commit to a relationship are like that, perpetually afraid of losing.

 

In regards to this Thanksgiving dinner, i think you should go and mentally prepare yourself to be your charming self.

Charm his family.

[venusianx13]

I appreciate your honest response. I do know that no matter what does happen, I will be okay. I've been through far worse, and I remind myself of that, but I guess I am having anticipatory anxiety of things actually GETTING worse.

 

I was upset his mother interjecting about Buddhism and thinking I am some sort of fanatic who will run off for months on retreat (those sorts of things are more for the ordained), but the thought of offering the book was more out of kindness, as Sutra teachings (while she wouldn't even know they were Sutra teachings) are for everyone and are uplifting and helpful for every day life. Buddhism will probably come up again, but I hope for the opportunity to speak with her directly on it.

 

I understand your view on involvement with single parents. However this is a can of worms that cannot easily be closed, no would we want it to be, as my boyfriend is fantastic with my son. He is a very selfless person, and one of the things that drew me to him is that he volunteers as a Big Brother. He understands the challenges ahead, and we certainly have more to discuss, but he also sees it as a great opportunity and is looking forward to being around to help guide my son through the remainder of his growing up. He's in our corner, and I am grateful for that.

 

I guess I see what's going on as meddling because we are adults, and a lot of talk is being had about our relationship. While on one hand I am glad he told me, on the other, it cast doubt and an air of negativity that I cannot ignore. Well, I'd like to try to, but yes, you're right - I've had bad experiences with meddling in the past, and it sent my last failed relationship on a swift downward spiral.

 

I feel disappointed because my hopes of things going smoothly seem thwarted. Aside from this, things are fantastic. I want to be able to be open and warm with these people, but I feel pre-judged. I've met his parents a few times, yet his mom didn't actually engage in conversation with me, she more or less talked at me, endlessly. I was happy to lend an ear, though.

 

I will definitely go for the visit over Thanksgiving. He told me, "I want to make sure you get to meet my Grammy, because I am proud of you and you are my future." I'm overjoyed at this, yet want to be able to separate whatever pre-judgment I've encountered at the door, without it clouding my interactions. I don't want to be on the defensive.

 

You're right, though, and my boyfriend has been picked up on the fact that I am afraid. He actually called me out on it and said, "What if you become so convinced that something bad will happen that you leave before we've had a chance to progress things?" I feel that a progression of the relationship is coming soon, yet I am fearful... you are dead on. This is another issue. One I am aware of and am trying to be mindful of.

[Radu]

I appreciate your honest response. I do know that no matter what does happen, I will be okay. I've been through far worse, and I remind myself of that, but I guess I am having anticipatory anxiety of things actually GETTING worse.

 

I was upset his mother interjecting about Buddhism and thinking I am some sort of fanatic who will run off for months on retreat (those sorts of things are more for the ordained), but the thought of offering the book was more out of kindness, as Sutra teachings (while she wouldn't even know they were Sutra teachings) are for everyone and are uplifting and helpful for every day life. Buddhism will probably come up again, but I hope for the opportunity to speak with her directly on it.

His mother knew little of you, put yourself in her shoes.

Would you have issued a warning to your darling son if you knew what she knew ?

 

I understand your view on involvement with single parents. However this is a can of worms that cannot easily be closed, no would we want it to be, as my boyfriend is fantastic with my son. He is a very selfless person, and one of the things that drew me to him is that he volunteers as a Big Brother. He understands the challenges ahead, and we certainly have more to discuss, but he also sees it as a great opportunity and is looking forward to being around to help guide my son through the remainder of his growing up. He's in our corner, and I am grateful for that.

He does sound like a very nice guy in your posts.

 

I guess I see what's going on as meddling because we are adults, and a lot of talk is being had about our relationship. While on one hand I am glad he told me, on the other, it cast doubt and an air of negativity that I cannot ignore. Well, I'd like to try to, but yes, you're right - I've had bad experiences with meddling in the past, and it sent my last failed relationship on a swift downward spiral.

 

I feel disappointed because my hopes of things going smoothly seem thwarted. Aside from this, things are fantastic. I want to be able to be open and warm with these people, but I feel pre-judged. I've met his parents a few times, yet his mom didn't actually engage in conversation with me, she more or less talked at me, endlessly. I was happy to lend an ear, though.

Things have not gone 'tits up' yet, in fact i don't see a huge indication of it happening.

 

I will definitely go for the visit over Thanksgiving. He told me, "I want to make sure you get to meet my Grammy, because I am proud of you and you are my future." I'm overjoyed at this, yet want to be able to separate whatever pre-judgment I've encountered at the door, without it clouding my interactions. I don't want to be on the defensive.

 

You're right, though, and my boyfriend has been picked up on the fact that I am afraid. He actually called me out on it and said, "What if you become so convinced that something bad will happen that you leave before we've had a chance to progress things?" I feel that a progression of the relationship is coming soon, yet I am fearful... you are dead on. This is another issue. One I am aware of and am trying to be mindful of.

 

Have you considered practicing for this encounter ?

 

Like some ppl do before a job interview.

Close your eyes, make your mind go blank and imagine yourself with him and your son going to their house.

Imagine all the bad things you want, and allow yourself to come up with a way of dealing with that particular situation.

 

It's one of the ways i use to deal with my social interactions.

When i have to go to a party [i have serious anxiety issues], or any kind of social event ... even a date, i imagine interactions with that person, successfull ones just before going there or meeting her.

The result is more confidence in myself, and an overall 'pleasant' attitude i have.

Believe it or not, i try to picture also the Mona Lisa and that mysterious yet beautifull smile.

 

I did it so many times that now i can activate a switch inside of me and in a moment be interested in whatever boring crap the other person is spewing.

[venusianx13]

His mother knew little of you, put yourself in her shoes.

Would you have issued a warning to your darling son if you knew what she knew ?

 

 

I can see her concern, and am not judging her. In fact, I don't see how she could possibly know anything about Buddhism, aside from what her brother tells her about his wife. The thing is, I felt that she also interjected a lot of false information, and shared this with my boyfriend. However, he knew better, thankfully, and dismissed the falsities.

 

He does sound like a very nice guy in your posts.

 

 

Things have not gone 'tits up' yet, in fact i don't see a huge indication of it happening.

 

 

 

Have you considered practicing for this encounter ?

 

Like some ppl do before a job interview.

Close your eyes, make your mind go blank and imagine yourself with him and your son going to their house.

Imagine all the bad things you want, and allow yourself to come up with a way of dealing with that particular situation.

 

It's one of the ways i use to deal with my social interactions.

When i have to go to a party [i have serious anxiety issues], or any kind of social event ... even a date, i imagine interactions with that person, successfull ones just before going there or meeting her.

The result is more confidence in myself, and an overall 'pleasant' attitude i have.

Believe it or not, i try to picture also the Mona Lisa and that mysterious yet beautifull smile.

 

I did it so many times that now i can activate a switch inside of me and in a moment be interested in whatever boring crap the other person is spewing.

 

That's a good idea. I will definitely give this practice and imagery technique a try. Thanks for the suggestion. I, too, have social anxiety... I am fearful of being judged, and it stems from having been bullied pretty badly as a teenager. While things have shaped up, I still have trouble letting go of an innate need to shield myself. I tend to shield others from harm, too. I happen to be an INFJ, aka "the protector." Can't seem to live that down.

Edited September 7, 2012 by venusianx13