He's best friends with his ex-girlfriend!! Is it just me or is that inappropriate?!

[Andie04]

So here we are, my boyfriend and I, two months from our two year anniversary...We are really happy together, and considering marriage. It has--for the most part--been a great relationship. We live together and get along great. But there's just these things that he does that really hurt me and drive me crazy.

First of all, the majority of his friends are female. Now, I can deal with that to some extent. But most of these friends have either dated him at some point, or wanted to date him at some point, didn't, and now are all bitter about it. Most of them (the ones that haven't met me) hate me because I'm the girl that finally caught him. Anyway, that bothers me a little bit.

What bothers me more, is the fact that the one female friend he is the closest to just so happens to be his ex-girlfriend. But not just any ex...It's the one and only girlfriend (before me) that he was in love with. It was his first love and he would have married this girl if it weren't for the fact that she dumped him because she wanted to date around. It's the girl that broke his heart so severely that it took two years to get over...And then he met me.

Now, he has always saved everything. He is definitely a pack rat....but he has saved EVERYTHING from her. Every letter, cute little note, the champagne bottle they shared on the millennium, every picture...Including two NAKED ONES!!! I don't ask him to throw away everything. I know it's important to save memories. All I've ever asked him to do is throw away the naked pictures. I feel like it's disrespectful to me and inappropriate for him to keep them. He says it's part of his past, he wont throw them away because they are memories. I mean, what is he going to do....show them to his grandchildren someday?? There is no reason he needs to save those pictures! If he had any respect for me, he would throw them away. (This is the argument that has been going on for sometime now)

Yesterday, though....I came in the room and he was talking to his ex online as usual, but when I came in the room, he minimized it and wouldn't let me know what they were talking about. Well, finally, I got him to let me read it and he was discussing with her a fight we had the other day. He said many mean and hurtful things about me to her. I think that's unfair in the first place to discuss that with her of all people, but it got worse. She then starts sympathisizing with him and telling him she misses him and she wants to spend time with him and he should try to get stationed in San Diego to be close to her (he's in the navy). His reply was, "I'll see what I can do".

I was sooo angry!!!! But he swears that what they have is just a good friendship, that they have no interest in each other, blah, blah, blah. I hate it, though. I mean, he is in a relationship, can't they have enough respect for me not to continue their relationship?? Isn't it inappropriate for a man to have a friendship like that when he is in a serious relationship?? Am I being completely irrational?! Help!!!!!!!

[Adunaphel]

First of all, the majority of his friends are female. Now, I can deal with that to some extent. But most of these friends have either dated him at some point, or wanted to date him at some point, didn't, and now are all bitter about it. Most of them (the ones that haven't met me) hate me because I'm the girl that finally caught him.

 

If they are bitter about it, are still interested in him and hate the fact he has a girlfriend, they are not really friends. Your bf should be aware of it.

 

What bothers me more, is the fact that the one female friend he is the closest to just so happens to be his ex-girlfriend. But not just any ex...It's the one and only girlfriend (before me) that he was in love with. It was his first love and he would have married this girl if it weren't for the fact that she dumped him because she wanted to date around. It's the girl that broke his heart so severely that it took two years to get over...And then he met me.

 

Were they very good friends *before* you started dating?(which I find impossible since he still had feelings for her)

Or did this great friendship started after you were together?

 

Every letter, cute little note, the champagne bottle they shared on the millennium, every picture...Including two NAKED ONES!!! I don't ask him to throw away everything. I know it's important to save memories. All I've ever asked him to do is throw away the naked pictures. I feel like it's disrespectful to me and inappropriate for him to keep them. He says it's part of his past, he wont throw them away because they are memories.

 

I think it is okay to keep memories but all of this stuff should be away from sight.

He has the right to keep naked pics of his ex but they should be somewhere in a sellotaped box. If he ever took them out and looked at them while he was with you it is extremely disrespectful IMO.

 

Well, finally, I got him to let me read it and he was discussing with her a fight we had the other day. He said many mean and hurtful things about me to her. I think that's unfair in the first place to discuss that with her of all people, but it got worse. She then starts sympathisizing with him and telling him she misses him and she wants to spend time with him and he should try to get stationed in San Diego to be close to her (he's in the navy). His reply was, "I'll see what I can do".

 

I'd be hurt and upset too. And I agree it is not right to criticize you with her or tell her about any fights you might have had.

If she was really her best friend, she should have advised him to try working things out with you. That's what *friends* do.

I think he was very immature. She sounds selfish. And it all sounds a little fishy.

 

He might be genuinely NOT interested in her but I don't think his behaviour is appropriate.

[YellowLioness]

Wow, hon. I'm really sorry. You have every right to get mad. I'm friends with all my exes, but I NEVER discuss any trouble that I'm having with my boyfriend. That just gives them an opening to be like, "Ohh, poor girl," and then move into to exploit a bad situation.

 

Besides, it's disrespectful to exes about the problems that you all have with out at least trying to talk to him about it. You should be the one that he runs to. Not this other girl. He should NOT be talking about moving down to be with her when he's still with you. This is a RED FLAG!!!

 

you probably feel like you have to constantly watch what you do and say, or else he'll leave and go to her if he gets angry enough. How fair or respectful is that?

 

It's all about respect. He doesn't sound like he's very mature. Why does he need all those ex girl friends hanging around, anyway? Perhaps he likes the conflict that you have with those other girls. I think, personally, that he likes to be the center of attention. He wants to be the boy that every girl wants. It's like he has this harem of chick friends, or something.

 

Usually, if someone is already that insecure, they don't take confrontation well. He'll probably deny it 'til the cows come home.

 

My advice is to watch your back. Look for signs that his feelings for you are changing, as hurtful as that can be, and take them seriously. It sounds like you are surrounded by wolves, so take care of yourself first and foremost.

 

 

Yellow

[Debster]

I agree with Adunaphel.... except for the Voldemort comment.

[dyermaker]

Totally inappropriate.

[UCFKevin]

Ex's just shouldn't be trusted in general.

[Bobbie]

hmm, I think having all these ladies as back-up is a bit off.

 

I'm best friends with my ex, but we were together for twenty years and have a child together...and if either of us gets into another relationship we know to back off ( partially because who wants to hear the details of an ex's new lovelife?! )

 

Maybe slow down, get to know him a bit more before marriage; marriage is hard enough without feeling you're watching your back.

 

You're the girl that finally caught him but it sounds like you have some insecurities about the relationship.

 

It's up to you and him, there's no normal in relationships. If it feels wrong or disrespectful or abusive or unacceptable to you then if you're going to marry you need to be able to tell him these things and talk it through and come up with something satisfactory for you both.

[Twisp]

It sounds like you're insecure about the relationship. Being best friends with an Ex doesn't mean much - almost everyone I know is friends with an ex, sometimes best friends.

 

Have you talked to him about it, and told him how you feel?

 

PS - I had a majority of female friends at one time, and all of them had tried or suceeded in dating me. It didn't mean that I automatically cheated on my girlfriends with them.

[Fayebelle]

I see 2 sides here. I'm friends w/ all of my exes but one in particular is one of the best friends I have. There are pics of the 2 of us in my living rm and my BF is OK w/it b/c he has spent time w/both of us and knows we have no intentions of being more than platonic ever again. We were not a compatible couple and that's why we are exes.

 

Your situation is different. Nothing about our friendship is hidden from my BF and he can talk to both of us. My ex is in the Army and was just resently sent home from Iraq. I keep every letter he sent me while there but I feel that's different from saving love notes (perhaps that sounds hypocritical but I think there's a difference) and I always save all of my pics for memories BUT if anyone has naked pics of me I WANT THEM! Even my current BF better have them in a safe place that I know about.

 

The secrecy involved here is what I see as the red flag that this is more than a friendship. If he continues sneaking; then he is showing how little respect he has for you and your relationship together.

[faux]

Originally posted by Andie04

So here we are, my boyfriend and I, two months from our two year anniversary...We are really happy together, and considering marriage. It has--for the most part--been a great relationship. We live together and get along great. But there's just these things that he does that really hurt me and drive me crazy.

 

Alright. Let us see what he does, on purpose, to drive you crazy and hurt your feelings.

 

First of all, the majority of his friends are female. Now, I can deal with that to some extent. But most of these friends have either dated him at some point, or wanted to date him at some point, didn't, and now are all bitter about it.

 

When it is a crime to have friends? Who cares if he had dated any of them. Remember that you said you two were discussing marriage? Who cares if other women like him. I thought such a thing would be complimentary to you, no? Are you accusing him of going out and making these women pine for him? Let them be bitter about it. YOU have him now.

 

Most of them (the ones that haven't met me) hate me because I'm the girl that finally caught him. Anyway, that bothers me a little bit.

 

Why would this possibly BOTHER you? You should feel complimented. He is with you, and chooses to be with you, and may possibly choose to spend the rest of his life with YOU. NOT THEM. It isn't a crime for other women to like your boyfriend, and it isn't a crime for him to have dated people in the past. It isn't a crime, or wrong at all, if he can remain friends with women that he dated long ago. I am friends with some of my exes, and I see them ONLY as friends, as enough time went by that we could truly "start over".

 

What bothers me more, is the fact that the one female friend he is the closest to just so happens to be his ex-girlfriend. But not just any ex...It's the one and only girlfriend (before me) that he was in love with. It was his first love and he would have married this girl if it weren't for the fact that she dumped him because she wanted to date around. It's the girl that broke his heart so severely that it took two years to get over...And then he met me.

 

He has a right to keep whatever friends he chooses, as do you. If you have a problem with it, bring it up with him. Good luck trying to tell him who he can and cannot associate with. If he agrees "not to speak with her anymore", don't count on him keeping that promise. I would never, ever, give up a friend, no matter what happened in my past with that friend, for a girlfriend.

 

Now, he has always saved everything. He is definitely a pack rat....but he has saved EVERYTHING from her. Every letter, cute little note, the champagne bottle they shared on the millennium, every picture...Including two NAKED ONES!!! I don't ask him to throw away everything.

 

You can't ask him to throw away ANYTHING. It would be wrong. He has a right to keep those things. This woman meant a lot to him, and if he is preserving his memories by keeping these things tucked away, then so be it.

 

I know it's important to save memories. All I've ever asked him to do is throw away the naked pictures.

 

I see trust issues here, seething, horrible trust issues. It isn't these women that you distrust. It is your boyfriend that you do not trust. It is fine for him to have those naked photographs of his ex, provided he isn't looking at them during your relationship. It's okay just to keep things, to know that you have things tucked away, and not have to look at them. These things are part of his past, and you have no right to demand that he throw any of it away, at all, ever.

 

I feel like it's disrespectful to me and inappropriate for him to keep them. He says it's part of his past, he wont throw them away because they are memories.

 

I agree with him completely.

 

I mean, what is he going to do....show them to his grandchildren someday??

 

Of course not. I should hope not. However, it is obviously important for him to know that he has those pictures tucked away somewhere, and that is perfectly natural.

 

There is no reason he needs to save those pictures!

 

He wants to. They are a part of his past. Those are both good reasons, and ONLY two of the many reasons he has.

 

If he had any respect for me, he would throw them away. (This is the argument that has been going on for sometime now)

 

If you had respect for him, you wouldn't be attempting to control his life in such a manner. Simply because he wishes to save things from an ex, that he cared a lot about, who is now his good friend, does not mean he is disrespecting you. If there were no naked photos, no doubt you'd be freaking out over him having ANYTHING to remember her by. It is wrong for you to demand such things from him, and to make him feel guilty about his past.

 

Your boyfriend's past, the people he befriended, the things he has done, and the people that he has loved, all shaped him into the man he is today. That ex of his shaped him into the man that you are with now, the man that loves YOU now, and the man that may want to marry YOU some day. Is she really all that evil?

 

Yesterday, though....I came in the room and he was talking to his ex online as usual, but when I came in the room, he minimized it and wouldn't let me know what they were talking about.

 

He never had to "show you" what he was talking about with his friend. If this were me, I'd have told you that you can let me have my friends, and trust me, or you do not trust me and you can leave. I'd have then closed the window so you could not ever read it. I'm a huge privacy advocate, and you're doing a lot of things that I believe are outright wrong here.

 

He has a right to talk to his friends, and he has a right to keep those conversations private. I don't think you'd appreciate him behaving in this manner because of a male friend that you have, or because he dislikes your sister or mother, or aunt, or whatever.

 

Well, finally, I got him to let me read it and he was discussing with her a fight we had the other day. He said many mean and hurtful things about me to her. I think that's unfair in the first place to discuss that with her of all people, but it got worse.

 

Again, he can talk to anyone that he wants to. If she is his friend now, why not talk to her about events in his life that have profound impact on him? Why not, eh?

 

She then starts sympathisizing with him and telling him she misses him and she wants to spend time with him and he should try to get stationed in San Diego to be close to her (he's in the navy). His reply was, "I'll see what I can do".

 

I don't see anything wrong with two friends wanting to spend time with what another. I don't understand why you are freaking out. My girlfriend went to stay a few nights at her ex-boyfriend's house, who she is now FRIENDS with. I had no problem with it, as I trusted her to do what is right in our relationship, and not to break that trust. I do not, and will not, demand that she no longer speak with him or spend time with him, as they are FRIENDS. If he were to tell her that he misses her, I don't mind. I tell my FRIENDS that I miss them, as well.

 

I was sooo angry!!!! But he swears that what they have is just a good friendship, that they have no interest in each other, blah, blah, blah. I hate it, though. I mean, he is in a relationship, can't they have enough respect for me not to continue their relationship??

 

Respect? You're one to talk! What tiny ounce of respect are you showing your boyfriend, by demanding who eh can and cannot speak to, or who he can and cannot befriend? You are demanding that he discontinues the relationship with his friend, or at least you WANT him to do so. This is completely wrong! Show HIM some respect, and some trust.

 

Isn't it inappropriate for a man to have a friendship like that when he is in a serious relationship??

 

No.

 

Am I being completely irrational?! Help!!!!!!!

 

Perhaps you are.

[YellowLioness]

Faux...

 

I can totally see your points on that. It sounds like she does have some serious issues. However, as a girl (and one who doesn't have many female friends), I know how spiteful females could be. Do you not think its possible that this girl "friend" could be trying to break them up? I think its very fishy that he wants to move down there with his ex.

 

Its better to let people have all the freedom they need. However, you have to look out for youself, too. Are you able to give him what he needs and still remain emotionally healthy?

 

You can love him, but he may not be good for you.

 

Anyway, good luck on your relationship, Andie.

[EC]

Faux..I have to agree with some points but disagree with others.

 

I'm sorry but the naked pictures are definitley innapropriate. To be honest and up front I thinks thats some F*cked up sh*t!!

 

The letters and regular pictures and all that is fine to keep becase yes that is his past and almost everyone keeps things from the past. But naked pictures?!?

 

I don't like the fact that ..no.. he does not show you respect by talking badly to her about you and your problems. He needs to be telling YOU all of these things so that you can work it out TOGETHER instead of sitting and telling HER.

 

I think he is still in love with her and as for her I think she was the first love and she knows it and now he has found you..I think she's jealous and some of her maybe on purpose or not..wants to keep him wanting her. She wants to pride in the fact that though he may be with you he wants her and she is and will always be the first love and she wants to keep it that way.

 

If I were you I would just sit him down...throw the facts on the table and tell him to fess up once in for all. If hes still in lve with her to let you know so that you will not continue wasting your time.

I know you care for him but it just sounds to me like he doesnt feel the same. GL