Parenting as a Step Mom

[Larj87]

First of all I would like to say hello! I am new to this forum and this is my first post! I am a step mother to 3 (13 year old female, 12 year old male and 4 year male) It's a long complicated story so to shorten things up my hubby has 4 children, the 2 older children live with his parents who have full custody and they do not associate with their mother. He has an 8 year old daughter that he does not see due to her mother, and he has 50/50 custody of his youngest. (Every other week). The custody arrangement has not yet been signed by the childs' mother and can be changed at any time. She is waiting on signing the papers until they figure out where the child is going to go to school. My hubby's ex has been in a bad cycle of living with her mother, dating a guy, moving him with him, quitting her job, having her new man take care of her until the relationship ends. She has been with the man she is with now for 2 months, has already moved in with him, quit her job at the beginning of August and last week we found out they are engaged. She has moved 13 times since my ss was born and we also found out that they are planning on moving again, and swears this will be the last time for a long time. They currently live in a one bedroom apartment where I am sure her son does not have his own bed. She will not allow my hubby to come over to their apartment to pick up his son and has lied to him about sleeping arrangements. (The child has told us in the past he has slept with mommy and ***). Every week the transition of bringing him home is always difficult. He is disobedient, hyper, and has began writing me off and not talking to me for the first couple days of being home, which HURTS. So now that you have a general idea of what is going on here is where I need advice.....

 

My husbad picked up his youngest this afternoon and was driving home when his son said "Daddy can I ask you a question?" To which my hubby responded "Yeah buddy what's up?" My 4 YEAR OLD SS then said "Daddy can i blow my load in your mouth?" REALLY???? I couldn't believe what I was hearing when my hubby told me this. He was mad, he made me mad. And now I am stuck. We have been planning to go for full custody for some time now and I want to push for it more than ever. I am currently at work and letting him handle his ex, but I don't feel like it's enough. Clearly her and her new "fiance" have no regard to what their doing while he is in the room. It makes me so angry that a mother, my age (25) can be so careless. I personally do not have any children that came out of me, but if I did....and even with my step-children..I am always cautious. He is at the age of repeating everything you say and do. Am I in the wrong? Should I stay out of this one? If you have any constructive advice I would love to hear it! Thank you!!!!

[amaysngrace]

Your post makes me mad too.

 

She is an unfit mother. Any judge should agree. If I were you I'd try to convince your husband to file for custody on Monday and not to return your SS until he goes before a judge.

[Larj87]

Thank you for your response, I do agree. Even the counselor at domestics that has had their case since the beginning told him that he would (more than likely) not be denied for full custody. He has steady employment, makes good money, is able to support his child. Has a steady home..while her work history is a mess, is currently unemployed, and unable to support him, and I mentioned moving 13 times in the past 4 years!! Also, In the past 2 hours I found out that I guess her mom co-signed a loan for a mortgage with her. I think her mom is just as stupid as she is!! But aside from them, I feel bad for this kid!! He goes back and forth, two homes, two different day cares, isn't up to par and is being held back from pre-k because he isn't ready. We try to work with him while he is with us but it's like his brain is wiped clean every time he leaves! It's so not fair for him. His mom dumps him at her mom's every weekend that she has him, it's just sad. My husband and I talked and he is going to file paperwork on Monday and go from there. Enough is enough. I don't know if we can keep him from going back to her though, I don't know much on laws and how that stuff works! I didn't want him to send him back when she first moved in with her boyfriend until my H checked out the place but that didn't happen.

[amaysngrace]

Good then. She shouldn't be exposing this child to different men all the time either. Especially ones she's moved in with after knowing them for only two months.

 

How can you know somebody at all really in just eight weeks?

[Silly_Girl]

Please don't feel as though you don't have the right to voice your opinion. These children are your family too. Parenting is an investment and the earlier it's done right, the better for everybody.

 

I say go for it. Quickly. I had a similar instance, though not as bad, and in those sorts of situations children and young people really do need their step-parent.

 

Those poor children. This isn't just about conflicting parenting styles, she's a danger to them

[Larj87]

Thank you for your replies, I do my best to parent all of the kids to the best of my ability. My husband is very much into teamwork and doing things together and gives me as much authority as he gives himself, which is a 50/50 whether I take the authority or leave it up to him. Depending on the circumstance, we have gotten a lawyer and are going to start the process for full custody, we both have had enough of the nonsense with her. She doesn't deserve custody of her son, and doesn't want him most of the time anyway.

[wow04]

This is such a sad situation. I am a mother of 4 and my live in boyfriend has 3 kids. Him and I talk about things, but I don't deal with his ex and he don't deal with mine.

 

You have the right to voice your concern to your Husband, but not to his ex. I agree that your Husband needs to fight for full custody. One thing that might hurt him is that his parents have full custody of the older two.

 

Good luck!!