alicia24 Posted July 21, 2004 Share Posted July 21, 2004 I have been dating this really nice guy for about four months. He has a five year old daughter and he will not let me meet her because the kids mom does not want him to bring non-serious people around her. In contrast, the mom has been messing with her new neighbor and having him over for dinner with the kid there. How should he confront her about this. Also, when my boyfriend went to drop off his daughter to the moms house he caught the mom making out with the neighbor and was so enraged that he canceled plans that we had and just wanted to be alone. They broke up like 2 year ago so why do these things bother him so much? He swears he is not in love with her anymore and that he is just really hurt by the fact that she left him? They had a really bad relationship. They cheated on each and they were very young when they had their daughter. should I even bother with this relationship? I care about him very much and he says he cares about me very much also? Whats going on Link to post Share on other sites
HokeyReligions Posted July 21, 2004 Share Posted July 21, 2004 ! It is HIS choice to have you meet his daughter. SHE doesn't control him. Sounds like he is either using her as an excuse; he is a wimp and is letting her control him; or there are factors you know nothing about (maybe court or visitation requirements). As for him catching HER with the neighbor---that is between them. Stay out of it. The child should come first to both of the parents. He probably was upset to find that going on around his child and knew he would not be good company for you. Maybe you are not ready for a relationship with a man who has parental responsibilities. You will (should) never come before his child. It's up to HIM to arrange his priorities and make room for you, or for any romance. If he can't, maybe he is not ready for a serious relationship right now. Link to post Share on other sites
tiki Posted July 21, 2004 Share Posted July 21, 2004 It's not up to the ex to determine whether or not you meet the child. It's up to Dad in this case. If Dad's not man enough to tell the ex how it is, you need to run fast. This is a red flag. I do understand the policy - don't meet the child until you are serious...but when is serious - serious enough? That's between the TWO of you, not Mom. Dude needs to get a clue and cut the ex'es strings. Do you want to live by her rules? Do you have to? NO! Ex'es can TRY to be controlling. A lot of her actions derive from him allowing her to act like this. Make him put his foot down now or RUN LIKE HELL. Link to post Share on other sites
Wellnowuknow Posted July 21, 2004 Share Posted July 21, 2004 I know I wouldn't want my daughter ( if I had one) around no little hoochie that my ex was seeing. Not saying your a hoochie thats just what I would think If I was the ex. For what so that they can put nasty thoughts into my daughters head and make her think mommys bad. Besides the daughter is how old? because if shes little and see's daddy with hoochie then she will be confused and maybe the ex doesn't want that. Also... he obviously still had feelings for her because when you are upset with something you run to your partner for comfort he couldnt run to you obviously becuase he was p-off that his ex had her tongue down anothers mans mouth and he walked in. Whats he supposed to run and cry to you about it I think not. Life sux and then you learn your lesson. You my friend need to step away from all this baby mama drama with the quickness. You don't need it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author alicia24 Posted July 21, 2004 Author Share Posted July 21, 2004 First of all I am no hoochie mama and I totally understand that the child comes first. I would never ask for anything different. Thanks for the advice even though some of you were a little harsh. Link to post Share on other sites
Wellnowuknow Posted July 21, 2004 Share Posted July 21, 2004 Like I said in my other post i'm gonna give it to you like I see it I dont mean to offend anyone but I'm gonna write what others are thinking and dont want to say and in these little thing () I specifically indicated that I was not calling you a Hoochie and I wrote hoochie not hoochie mama. I'm not sugar coating things sometimes people need a harsh reality check! Link to post Share on other sites
tiki Posted July 21, 2004 Share Posted July 21, 2004 Originally posted by Wellnowuknow I know I wouldn't want my daughter ( if I had one) around no little hoochie that my ex was seeing. Not saying your a hoochie thats just what I would think If I was the ex. For what so that they can put nasty thoughts into my daughters head and make her think mommys bad. What else is a person to do that gets on with their life other than to get on with their life? And i don't understand this whole hoochie mama thing, maybe I'm too old or out of the loop? I'm no hoochie mama and I don't think the original poster is either? And just FYI, some women have genuine motives when it comes to building a relationship with her significant other. I have no interest in putting nasty thoughts into someone's daughters head and making her think mommy is bad - as per your words. My relationship, for example is with MY MAN, not their daughter. I'm going to have the relationship with or without the daughter. If I happen to hit it off with the daughter, then awesome, but it's not my motive to make her thing her mom is bad??!?!?!? Come on, now. Why is another woman a hoochie mama just because she wants a relationship with your EX?! Seems convenient, juvenille and jealous. Not all relationship motives are about kids! Does anyone really WANT to parent a kid (that's not theirs) without enjoying the positive repercussions of parenting?!? Like we have nothing better to do than to talk about mom and parent a child that isn't even ours?!!??!?!? Geesh! Anyway, to the original poster, I hope I said nothing harsh. I'm sure that you are NOT a hoochie mama, because if so, you wouldn't care enough in the first place to come here for suggestions. All I can really recommend is that you set your man straight or leave if you can't deal. Link to post Share on other sites
tiki Posted July 21, 2004 Share Posted July 21, 2004 Arrgh this really upsets me. Any woman that dates my ex-husband will not be considered a hoochie. SHe is dating him for the sole purpose of dating him, not to steal my child away from ME. I'm trying to relate, but just can't. And sorry, I'm a little passionate about this topic. I deal with my fiance's ex thinking I'm taking over her daughter's life because he and I spend all of our time together...so, sorry if I'm sensitive! My motives are for him, not his child. Just wanted to reiterate that. Link to post Share on other sites
Wellnowuknow Posted July 21, 2004 Share Posted July 21, 2004 Ok wow can you guys read i didnt say she was a hoochie. Wow I never thought that would be the topic of conversation... anyways i have seen many cases in which the new woman wants to win the child over in order to make the relationship better so they say mean things to the daughter about the mother. Thats what Ive seen more than a couple time thats why i brought it up everycase is different though I wasnt saying that thats what was going on here so Get off my case! Link to post Share on other sites
tiki Posted July 21, 2004 Share Posted July 21, 2004 Your post was tacky, just admit it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author alicia24 Posted July 21, 2004 Author Share Posted July 21, 2004 I would never want to bad mouth a parent for the sake of winning a child over. They either like you or they don't. Thank you to the person that said you are in a relationship with the parent not the child. That was a very good point. I try to treat people as I would want to be treated. If anything the mom should be happy that a descent respectable person would be in her childs life. Link to post Share on other sites
tiki Posted July 21, 2004 Share Posted July 21, 2004 Exactly! The way I look at it, when my ex starts dating again, what's so bad about someone else loving my child? Is that the worst I can complain about?!As long as they are good to him, they create an ever bigger, better and stronger support system. It doesn't hurt any person of any age to have people that care about them. >>>Steps off of soapbox. Link to post Share on other sites
Wellnowuknow Posted July 21, 2004 Share Posted July 21, 2004 Look tiki dont get all upset cause your dealing with the same baby mama drama. No one told you to get involved with a man who had a child. That was your choice and it was my choice to write what I wanted. Now are you going to continue to follow me around the forum and telling me I'm a rude person or are you going to just let me post my opinion...becuase your are seriously taking it too personal it is only my opinion when I wrote it I didnt say this is directed to TIKI! Link to post Share on other sites
tiki Posted July 21, 2004 Share Posted July 21, 2004 You called someone a retard. Go read your own post. You referred to any ex being a hoochie. Go read that post too. You need to chill. Link to post Share on other sites
Wellnowuknow Posted July 21, 2004 Share Posted July 21, 2004 I'm chillin Your the one getting all emotional. It's better if you let it out TIKI all those pent up fustrations aren't healthy. It's ok if you want to use me as your target. No hard feelings. Link to post Share on other sites
KANSAN Posted July 21, 2004 Share Posted July 21, 2004 WELLNOWUKNOW....?........? WHILE SOME WOMEN ACT LIKE YOU SAY THE HOOCHIE REFERENCE WAS UNCALLED FOR. I DON'T KNOW WHAT KIND OF WOMEN YOU HANG OUT WITH BUT IT SOUNDS LIKE YOU MIGHT BE WRITING FROM EXPERIENCE. YOU KNOW WHAT THEY SAY BIRDS OF A FEATHER. alicia24 HIS LOVE FOR HIS CHILD IMO IS HIS ISSUE, WHEN A CHILD IS INVOLVED THE ONE WHO TRIED TO MAKE THE RELATIONSHIP WORK LOOKS OUT FOR THE CHILD THE MOST SHOW HIM THAT YOU'RE TRUE AND HE'LL COME ARROUND Link to post Share on other sites
Author alicia24 Posted July 21, 2004 Author Share Posted July 21, 2004 Thanks kansan that really nice advice Link to post Share on other sites
Wellnowuknow Posted July 21, 2004 Share Posted July 21, 2004 Kansan I read your post and I agree accept for the fact that I heard this through the gossip pool at my work place not mutual friends or anyone I associate with so that wouldn't fit with me. As for the hoochie comment I thought it........I wrote it........I dont regret it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author alicia24 Posted July 21, 2004 Author Share Posted July 21, 2004 Seriously Let the Hoochie thing go. I'm over it everyone else should be also Link to post Share on other sites
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