tj90 Posted September 8, 2012 Share Posted September 8, 2012 Hey guys, I'm new here and I just wanted to see if there are any people out there who are going through a similar thing as me. My story: I knew this guy for a while and we were friendly but I was in a long term relationship so I was not interested in him. After that ended I started hanging out with new people and he was one them. He was newly married half a year or so and not enjoying it at all, he said she had changed after they moved back home. (Married in a different state in which they had lived together for awhile - no friends or anything it was purely for her job, had moved back here afterwards). So he was upset and I suppose looking for comfort. I was newly single (2 or 3 months single when I started hanging out with him). We found ourselves compatible, friendly, and most of all highly attracted to one another. We fooled around for several weeks, time in which I felt like another person - I've never done anything of the like with a man who was with someone else. I felt wild and crazy. Living life for myself you could put it. But I didn't stay so carefree. After doing that for a while I told him he has to end it with her or end it with me, and if he chose her I told him I would be respectful to his decision. I would not be angry if he chose her. But he didn't, he chose to be with me and after about six months from the start of the affair with me he moved out of their place. After staying with his friends for about a month he ended up moving in with me. That was back in March now. Just recently we've been going out with friends as a "new" couple but he doesn't want to introduce me to his family yet. Their separation has only been official since March and he's worried that his family may dislike me or our relationship because of the "perceived" closeness to the end of their relationship. We've come to the agreement that it's our business about when our relationship started and so no one else knows, but some have suspicions. We've decided that if people ask us we may tell them but it's our perogative. He has a very small, close family. His mother and her partner, his aunt and uncle, and his grandmother. Okay, so my question is, how do I approach him in a way to say that I *want* to meet his family very soon? He's told me that he just doesn't feel like it's the right time, or maybe I should just respect his feelings and wait? He knows I want to meet his family, and that I am not so happy waiting. He explains the waiting to as he wants them to like me. We do go out with our friends, so I am not a secret to them, just his family. I'd also like to hear back from anyone who has a similar experience. Sorry for the long post! Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted September 8, 2012 Share Posted September 8, 2012 Do not meet his family until he and his wife are officially divorced and some time has gone by after that. It's way too soon and not fair to you, to his family either to bring you around after such a short time after leaving his wife. Don't push this. Link to post Share on other sites
Author tj90 Posted September 8, 2012 Author Share Posted September 8, 2012 Okay, thanks for your advice. It's gonna be hard waiting, by all means it already has been difficult. I wouldn't recommend to anyone being stupid with anybody like this. It all started in the middle of "crazytown" and our relationship has grown very comfortable, loving, and happy aside from that little point. It's getting to "normal" and I'm glad of that. I'm not a crazy person to be honest! Link to post Share on other sites
Author tj90 Posted September 8, 2012 Author Share Posted September 8, 2012 Yet another fair point. I've actually been fighting with both of these opinions for a couple of weeks. My parents have met him. I was thinking what if my family met his and they say "oh, we've known him for X amount of years", and his family say "oh that's funny but they've only been together Y many years" She doesn't know from what I'm aware of. And I'm not sure I'd like her to know either, it would be horrible for her. I don't think I'd like to know, if this this was the other way around. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted September 8, 2012 Share Posted September 8, 2012 Your parents have met him, but you aren't the married one. He is. Until those D papers are official, he is technically still married. This isn't just about you and your desires to meet his family..It's about his comfort level and introducing you when he feels the time is right. You need to trust his judgement and have faith that he knows best when it comes to his own family. Do your parents know the details and that he's still married? If so, how do they feel about it? If they are Ok with it and have no issues then that's great, but his family (since he is the one who left his wife for someone else) may not be so embracing about it and they may feel betrayed too since they lost a daughter in law..Please don't forget that. Link to post Share on other sites
Author tj90 Posted September 8, 2012 Author Share Posted September 8, 2012 Yet another valid point. ATM I'm writing up a Pros and Cons list for myself. Seems more likely to be on the waiting side than on the telling side. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted September 8, 2012 Share Posted September 8, 2012 He's told me that he just doesn't feel like it's the right time, or maybe I should just respect his feelings and wait? As long as you understand that the final decision is his. He's already told you to wait. You gotta respect his wishes on this and let it go. Link to post Share on other sites
Summer Breeze Posted September 8, 2012 Share Posted September 8, 2012 I agree about HIS comfort level being the issue. The one thing I'd say though is that you will not lie to them if the timing comes up. Link to post Share on other sites
Author tj90 Posted September 8, 2012 Author Share Posted September 8, 2012 Okay, I've decided I'm going to try to wait, by all means I've gotten everything else from him. And I really don't want his family to hate me. But I would deserve it :/ we both would... Either way, we're happy together and that's how everything has turned out. I might try to find another thing to focus on, perhaps talk about planning a holiday together or something of the like. Something for us. Link to post Share on other sites
2sure Posted September 8, 2012 Share Posted September 8, 2012 So that his family does not treat you with anything but fairness and respect, you should wait until the divorce is final and done. Because he is already living with you, this is a tough spot...because you are both now deceiving his close family. Also a bad way to start. It's on him. He needs to rush rush this divorce. Link to post Share on other sites
canuckprincess Posted September 8, 2012 Share Posted September 8, 2012 I disagree. They deserve the truth. Meet the ASAP and tell them you had an affair and rather than telling him that was beneath you and go back to his wife you demanded he leave her or it was done. He left her. That's really who you are in this story and changing their "perception" by pretending to post date the marriage will get found out in the end. She ain't gonna keep the secret for a start. Please don't listen to a bs they blame the ow for the A, give him time you will meet them soon enough. How you met is no one else's business. Link to post Share on other sites
eleanorrigby Posted September 10, 2012 Share Posted September 10, 2012 Tj90, does the BW know she was betrayed in her marriage? Link to post Share on other sites
MissBee Posted September 10, 2012 Share Posted September 10, 2012 (edited) Hey guys, I'm new here and I just wanted to see if there are any people out there who are going through a similar thing as me. My story: I knew this guy for a while and we were friendly but I was in a long term relationship so I was not interested in him. After that ended I started hanging out with new people and he was one them. He was newly married half a year or so and not enjoying it at all, he said she had changed after they moved back home. (Married in a different state in which they had lived together for awhile - no friends or anything it was purely for her job, had moved back here afterwards). So he was upset and I suppose looking for comfort. I was newly single (2 or 3 months single when I started hanging out with him). We found ourselves compatible, friendly, and most of all highly attracted to one another. We fooled around for several weeks, time in which I felt like another person - I've never done anything of the like with a man who was with someone else. I felt wild and crazy. Living life for myself you could put it. But I didn't stay so carefree. After doing that for a while I told him he has to end it with her or end it with me, and if he chose her I told him I would be respectful to his decision. I would not be angry if he chose her. But he didn't, he chose to be with me and after about six months from the start of the affair with me he moved out of their place. After staying with his friends for about a month he ended up moving in with me. That was back in March now. Just recently we've been going out with friends as a "new" couple but he doesn't want to introduce me to his family yet. Their separation has only been official since March and he's worried that his family may dislike me or our relationship because of the "perceived" closeness to the end of their relationship. We've come to the agreement that it's our business about when our relationship started and so no one else knows, but some have suspicions. We've decided that if people ask us we may tell them but it's our perogative. He has a very small, close family. His mother and her partner, his aunt and uncle, and his grandmother. Okay, so my question is, how do I approach him in a way to say that I *want* to meet his family very soon? He's told me that he just doesn't feel like it's the right time, or maybe I should just respect his feelings and wait? He knows I want to meet his family, and that I am not so happy waiting. He explains the waiting to as he wants them to like me. We do go out with our friends, so I am not a secret to them, just his family. I'd also like to hear back from anyone who has a similar experience. Sorry for the long post! You have to respect his feelings. You can't and shouldn't want to force someone into letting you meet their family. If it is forced, it will be VERY awkward for all involved. Some people choose not to let the person they're seeing meet their family until they are very serious about them. I know I don't. Other people I know, they pretty much bring anyone they're seeing around their family and it's no big thing...for me, I have to really feel settled before I make any grand introductions. It's not just about me liking a guy...but where I see things going. Granted, usually they meet my family at a family function that was being held anyway, like a BBQ, so it's very casual, but I understand why some people wouldn't even want to do this and in his case, he just got divorced etc, it makes sense to me why he wouldn't...it hasn't even been a year! I dunno...maybe I'm different but I am not a fan of hot and heavy whirlwinds...I like a man that applies some caution and who seems to take things slow, versus those who hop from relationship to relationship and within less than a year have multiple women meeting their families etc. My ex was like this and trust me...it didn't bode well for them, as pretty much, no one was "special" as every woman he had been with for 2 weeks got to meet the family and so on until they got dumped. You have to allow things to organically develop...you've not been together a year. For me, that's my grace period. After a year of us being together, and you STILL don't introduce me, then I'd be antsy, but if it's been a few months, I personally do not expect it and would not push it. It's a privilege I would allow the man in my life to make on his own. Allow him to make it or not...when he does OR does not, organically, you'll know where you stand...but to force his hand seems pointless. It's like women who try to force a man's hand to marry them...okay you got the ring, by pressure and ultimatums, how romantic? Wouldn't you feel more confident if of his own volition and because he wanted to he asked you...likewise with the family, it will feel A LOT more authentic if one day he says "Honey, you should come to dinner" versus you pestering him and so he does it to shut you up. Edited September 10, 2012 by MissBee Link to post Share on other sites
Got it Posted September 10, 2012 Share Posted September 10, 2012 Hey guys, I'm new here and I just wanted to see if there are any people out there who are going through a similar thing as me. My story: I knew this guy for a while and we were friendly but I was in a long term relationship so I was not interested in him. After that ended I started hanging out with new people and he was one them. He was newly married half a year or so and not enjoying it at all, he said she had changed after they moved back home. (Married in a different state in which they had lived together for awhile - no friends or anything it was purely for her job, had moved back here afterwards). So he was upset and I suppose looking for comfort. I was newly single (2 or 3 months single when I started hanging out with him). We found ourselves compatible, friendly, and most of all highly attracted to one another. We fooled around for several weeks, time in which I felt like another person - I've never done anything of the like with a man who was with someone else. I felt wild and crazy. Living life for myself you could put it. But I didn't stay so carefree. After doing that for a while I told him he has to end it with her or end it with me, and if he chose her I told him I would be respectful to his decision. I would not be angry if he chose her. But he didn't, he chose to be with me and after about six months from the start of the affair with me he moved out of their place. After staying with his friends for about a month he ended up moving in with me. That was back in March now. Just recently we've been going out with friends as a "new" couple but he doesn't want to introduce me to his family yet. Their separation has only been official since March and he's worried that his family may dislike me or our relationship because of the "perceived" closeness to the end of their relationship. We've come to the agreement that it's our business about when our relationship started and so no one else knows, but some have suspicions. We've decided that if people ask us we may tell them but it's our perogative. He has a very small, close family. His mother and her partner, his aunt and uncle, and his grandmother. Okay, so my question is, how do I approach him in a way to say that I *want* to meet his family very soon? He's told me that he just doesn't feel like it's the right time, or maybe I should just respect his feelings and wait? He knows I want to meet his family, and that I am not so happy waiting. He explains the waiting to as he wants them to like me. We do go out with our friends, so I am not a secret to them, just his family. I'd also like to hear back from anyone who has a similar experience. Sorry for the long post! I can only speak from experience. I meet dMM's family after he separated but well before the divorce. Because we had a dday they knew about me. He had similar concerns about wanting his family to like me, so I understand those feelings, but they were very open and friendly with me. Dynamics play the biggest factor and so he will know his family best. With dMMs, they were never close to his ex wife and so there was deep feelings there. It wasn't an ideal situation but they were so happy to see how happy dMM was. I know have a great relationship with them, especially with his mom. My best advice, do heed his concerns but put in a reasonable timeline for yourself. The one thing I have learned through the EMR, S/D, etc is that I never regretted any decision that I gave "too" much time to. Similarly, he has been divorced for 4 years and I have had limited interaction with the kids. I understand and have no need to rush it. In my eyes, its a marathon, not a sprint so I am not going to push things. Hope that helps! Link to post Share on other sites
Mino Posted September 13, 2012 Share Posted September 13, 2012 I met my m family during his seperation, he fear was the same, that they may not like me... But the opposite happened... They welcomed me with open arms... I was scared as hell, but so relieved when they were so loving towards me... Link to post Share on other sites
veryhappy Posted September 13, 2012 Share Posted September 13, 2012 I got the timeline differently. The affair before him moving out lasted 6 months and they've been living together for another 6 months. OP, you are in a rush. Meeting his parents won't make you official if he doesn't want to do it. More so, it might damage your new R, because he'll feel pressured, and who likes to be pressured? I'd say give it half a year and see if he moves things in the right direction. You don't want a man where you have to push and fight to get what you want. Link to post Share on other sites
nofool4u Posted September 13, 2012 Share Posted September 13, 2012 He knows I want to meet his family, and that I am not so happy waiting. Any decent person would wait until the divorce is final. Link to post Share on other sites
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