Wives who talk badly about their husbands publicly

[carhill]

There's a marked difference between an anonymous online forum and the 'public' of family and friends, when it comes to airing marital business and negative, disrespectful and occasionally obscene comments, all of which I experienced in my M. My best friend, a man who squashes people in business deals, was red-faced embarrassed when finally sharing some of what he had heard after my exW and I divorced. I apologized to him for having to bear that burden.

 

Me? Not surprised. Rarely am.

[threebyfate]

I thought your post about your husband and food was a touch disrespectful, but I wouldn't refer to anyone as a pig, certainly not someone I loved. I'd find it offensive. The second one I'd take as a joke, particularly depending on how it was sad.

Of course I don't know how you usually discuss other people either, so it makes it hard to say (especially from textual medium, it's hard to infer tone) but a continued theme of this would make me feel that you didn't respect him.

 

No, I took them to be jokes. I'm guessing your H would laugh if he read them, no? Maybe there is an inside joke there, possibly sexual

I'm going to point out the perceptional differences between these two posts.

 

Anyone else want to provide their take on my two posts?

[xxoo]

There's also a difference between am occasional offhand remark that may be meant in fun and someone who speaks of their spouse with venom and open hostility, especially on a regular basis..

 

Venom and hostility are the operative words. You know it when you hear it.

[Spark1111]

It shows a huge amount of disrespect to your partner and says more about the immaturity of the complainer than it does the spouse.

 

I cringe.

[threebyfate]

Isn't it all about perception, whether emotional state of perceived "ventor" and observer or whether we like or don't like the individual who's expressing the criticism?

 

Also, each of us have different views of what constitutes respect.

 

This isn't to say that there aren't spouses that don't complain incessantly where you want to tell them to shutup and possibly do, but to immediately jump on the bandwagon that every time you hear someone publicly criticize a spouse, that it's disrespectful, wouldn't be realistic or honest.

[pink_sugar]

I think badmouthing a spouse to everyone is quite rude, however there are times say you've had a big fight and need to lament to a close friend or relative in private about what happened for emotional support. Big difference between casual talk talking trash about your partner...because they are a reflection of you and you're making yourself in turn look bad.

[Radagast]

I was talking to a female friend of mine, she stated everytime she's out on her lunch break with her female, married co-workers, they are always talking badly about their husbands.

 

And not in a playful way either, but they're always saying what morons or idiots their husbands really are. She was quite shocked at how they could bring it out into the public like this.

 

Meet my ex-wife.

 

Her way of boosting her poor self-esteem was through putting others down. Constantly.

 

Her way of dealing with family-of-origin issues (particularly concerning her father) was through deriding men, especially her husbands, but also maleness in general. This has been very damaging to our son.

 

Her way of staking out her territory socially was through marking herself out as a dangerous opponent with a toxic tongue who would not hesitate to rip anyone to shreds in any company. It did not win her friends, or admiration, but she thought it would warn people off thinking she was inconsequential.

[ChatroomHero]

Isn't it all about perception, whether emotional state of perceived "ventor" and observer or whether we like or don't like the individual who's expressing the criticism?

 

Also, each of us have different views of what constitutes respect.

 

This isn't to say that there aren't spouses that don't complain incessantly where you want to tell them to shutup and possibly do, but to immediately jump on the bandwagon that every time you hear someone publicly criticize a spouse, that it's disrespectful, wouldn't be realistic or honest.

 

I think you are missing a point. It's not about a criticism here or there or smelly feet 'jokes', the original post was not talking about marginal, occassional, complaints.

 

A better example would be your SO at a party with friends and saying, "We'd love to go out to dinner with you but I don't want Threebyfate's ass getting any bigger than it already is from sitting around not working"...and then saying 20-30 other comments just as bad about you WHENEVER your name comes up.

 

There is not much wiggle room for perspective there.

[Got it]

Having had parents who would denounce each other often in front of the kids and others I have taken a firm stand on bad mouthing my significant other, or others in general. Constructive criticism is one thing, venting to a close friend is one thing, making disparaging comments to others is not something I choose to do.

 

I think it reflects much more on the speaker than the other person since they aren't there to tell their side. I don't like complainers. I like people who are solution driven and effect change. Walk the talk.

[carhill]

Her: 'Yeah, X (my husband) can't get it up (erectile dysfunction) and he gets mad at me when I try to suggest solutions and blows up without warning at the most minor of things. I need sex.'

 

Me: 'I see'

 

Then I go give her husband a hug and say 'Hey buddy, why don't you see a doctor about getting your dick working; it's kinda annoying your wife. She needs sex'

 

 

True story, except for the last part. I just gave her husband a hug, as I've been doing for about 13 years now (they've been married 23), when they left to return home.

 

One example of many. After a couple of these instances, I told the lady in question that such private matters being shared make me uncomfortable and suggested that they seek MC to work on things. That toned things down a bit but I've still had to remind her in the three years since that incident. That was when I instituted my guideline of only hugging female friends and kissing them on the cheek, at most. No ambiguity.

 

When I use the phrase 'private marital business', that's what I'm talking about.

[threebyfate]

I think you are missing a point. It's not about a criticism here or there or smelly feet 'jokes', the original post was not talking about marginal, occassional, complaints.

 

A better example would be your SO at a party with friends and saying, "We'd love to go out to dinner with you but I don't want Threebyfate's ass getting any bigger than it already is from sitting around not working"...and then saying 20-30 other comments just as bad about you WHENEVER your name comes up.

 

There is not much wiggle room for perspective there.

Much like men whine, moan and bitch about women incessantly on LS? Do none of you see anything?

[ChatroomHero]

Much like men whine, moan and bitch about women incessantly on LS? Do none of you see anything?

 

What does anonymous posts about men complaining on a website designed for those very type of discussions have to do with complaining in person?

 

At least the men have the decency to post to people they will not know and will never meet as opposed to the husbands that have to see their friends all the time and don't know that their friends all know they are a 1-minute wonder or think they are stupid or bad people behind their back?

[threebyfate]

I was talking to a female friend of mine, she stated everytime she's out on her lunch break with her female, married co-workers, they are always talking badly about their husbands.

 

What does anonymous posts about men complaining on a website designed for those very type of discussions have to do with complaining in person?

 

At least the men have the decency to post to people they will not know and will never meet as opposed to the husbands that have to see their friends all the time and don't know that their friends all know they are a 1-minute wonder or think they are stupid or bad people behind their back?

These are coworkers, not friends. Had no idea that everyone socializes regularly with the husband's of their coworkers.

[ChatroomHero]

These are coworkers, not friends. Had no idea that everyone socializes regularly with the husband's of their coworkers.

 

Well office parties and functions, dinner parties...I know and see a lot of my co-workers wives and husbands quite a bit.

 

It still is the difference between seeing someone in person and NEVER seeing someone you will NEVER know or meet.

 

Threebyfate, it just seems the point you are trying to make is that men talk badly about their wives as well so the original post about wives doing it is totally fine.

 

Why are you trying to point out men do it too? Nobody is excusing men that do it but the question in the thread was not "why do wives talk badly and husbands don't". It was an observation he had noticed.

[angie2443]

I was talking to a female friend of mine, she stated everytime she's out on her lunch break with her female, married co-workers, they are always talking badly about their husbands.

 

And not in a playful way either, but they're always saying what morons or idiots their husbands really are. She was quite shocked at how they could bring it out into the public like this.

 

Having seen some of your other posts in the dating section, you don't, IMO, have a very positive opinion of women. You seem, again IMO, to be angry at them or to want to find a way to insult them as a group. I question your reason for starting this thread. I get the sense that you're trying to instigate something here. If I'm remembering your age, you are at least above 30. I would think that at this age, you know that some women and some men talk disrespectfully about their partners. By the way, plenty of same sex couples talk poorly of their partners also. This isn't so much about gender. It is more about disrespect in relationships. Perhaps your friend hangs with disrespectful women. Perhaps their husbands treat them poorly and this is why they are venting so much. Regardless, it might help you, OP, to hang out with, and take more note of, the people who talk respectfully of those they claim to love.

[amaysngrace]

I know when I was getting ready to divorce my husband, I use to bad mouth him to my neighbor across the street. It kind of rubbed off on her, I remember thinking, because she started bashing her husband too.

 

I felt real bad about that. I am glad I had her to talk to but I felt bad for her husband.

 

I don't like it when anyone tries to humiliate someone publicly though. It makes me uncomfortable for them.

[Mme. Chaucer]

I hate it when I hear people talking badly about their spouse. It makes my skin crawl. And I am not available to hear it, unless the person is in serious trouble and needs real help.

 

I am guilty of loving gossip but I learned at some point or another about boundaries. I am very careful about what I share regarding my relationship with my husband, and I feel very strongly about being his advocate and standing up for him.

 

When I was younger … not so much. I think I complained and moaned about every single misstep my boyfriends took to whatever girlfriend would listen.

 

Not good.

[threebyfate]

Well office parties and functions, dinner parties...I know and see a lot of my co-workers wives and husbands quite a bit.

 

It still is the difference between seeing someone in person and NEVER seeing someone you will NEVER know or meet.

 

Threebyfate, it just seems the point you are trying to make is that men talk badly about their wives as well so the original post about wives doing it is totally fine.

 

Why are you trying to point out men do it too? Nobody is excusing men that do it but the question in the thread was not "why do wives talk badly and husbands don't". It was an observation he had noticed.

To summarize and expand on a few of my points, no one is aware of the situation that these women are involved in.

• We don't even know if it's a real situation, only third party hearsay.
  
• It's possible the friend of the OP dislikes these women and has inflated the discussion from joking to insults.
  
• Different people have different perceptions of what constitutes respect.
  
• Different people view joking as insults or insults as jokes.
  

Overall, if I had to hear constant ragging about spouses, I wouldn't join these women and if it's impossible to not overhear while sitting elsewhere, I'd find another place to have lunch.

• This friend of the OPs is no better than the women, since she's gossiping about the women.
  
• The OP is also gossiping about third party hearsay, where there's no further information about...anything.
  
• Men complain about women too and incessantly, if LS is any indication of what men do.
  

[Miss Olivia]

It all goes back to treating other people the way you'd want to be treated.

[Isis31]

That is sad and undoubtedly disrespectful. If they are always talking badly about their husbands why are they still married to them? No one deserves to be talked about behind their backs especially if the man is a good man. Its sadly true that men who are being true husbands get treated like crap.

[eleanorrigby]

 

When I was younger … not so much. I think I complained and moaned about every single misstep my boyfriends took to whatever girlfriend would listen.

 

Not good.

 

I was like that too. I'm glad I finally realized how crappy I was behaving and stopped.

[Toots]

I was talking to a female friend of mine, she stated everytime she's out on her lunch break with her female, married co-workers, they are always talking badly about their husbands.

 

And not in a playful way either, but they're always saying what morons or idiots their husbands really are. She was quite shocked at how they could bring it out into the public like this.

 

I think this is so classless.

Edited September 11, 2012 by a LoveShack.org Moderator