sleepygirl Posted July 21, 2004 Share Posted July 21, 2004 I am in the middle of a really complicated situation. I have known my best friend for 4 years. He and I have lived together for the past year, and in that time, we've become inseperable. When he moved in initially, it was because he and his girlfriend (a close friend of mine for 7 years) had broken up. They wound up getting back together, but my friendship with him was developing into something more ambiguous as things between he and his girlfriend declined. We never acted on our feelings. Conversely, I was doing all I could to quell my emotions. My plan was to move out and move on so that he could focus on his girlfriend and so that our friendship could cool down. I had this bittersweet feeling about it, but I wanted to do what was right. He and his girlfriend had a very turbulent relationship-- she struggled with addiction problems and intense jealousy and terrible communication. There were constant screaming fights, mainly due to a lack of trust on her end. They broke up a few weeks ago because of their communication problems. They'd been dating for nearly 3 years. She wound up blaming me for the break-up, siting that i was "emotionally cheating" with her boyfriend and has decided to ditch out on both of us. Since we'd never discussed the feelings or acted on them, we felt that we'd made the proper commitments to ourselves and he to his partner. In the time since the break-up, he and I have become physical with eachother. We decided that if we gave him ample space, we could be a couple. I was still planning to move out of the room. We have an amazing connection and are able to communicate with eachother healthily. There is nothing that I can't trust him with. Our physical connection is awesome as well as the emotional and intellectual. As I said, he is my best friend. Yesterday, he told me that things weren't right-- that he needed space to be single and was not sure when he'd be ready to be in a relationship. He says that he loves me deeply and wants to be with me, but that he can't commit to me while he's still dealing with issues from his last girlfriend. He says that I deserve to be with someone who can give himself to me entirely, and that until he processes the past three years, he can't. I understand this and respect him for having boundaries instead of hurting me later. After a struggle, we agreed that we'd wait for eachother. We are not making a commitment to be together in any length of time (or at all), just to place the other at the top of our lists and refrain from dating anyone else. Our plan is to curtail the physical side of our relationship (aside from cuddling and closed-mouth kissing) and give eachother time to think once I move. We plan to discuss the prospect of our dating again in three months time, and to check in at regular intervals thereafter. My questions: Does this seem like a good idea? How often does waiting work/what is the likelihood that I will get hurt? Could this damage the integrity of our friendship? Will cuddling/kissing cause us to lapse or make hasty decisions, or will it cause something to develop slowly and naturally? This whole thing is really overwhelming. I want so badly to be with him, but I know he isn't ready and if we were to jump into it, our friendship would suffer. I am also afraid that if I dont wait, I'll stagnate in this space where I am in love with him but there is no commitment to our future. But then, what if I wait and he still doesn't want me? What should we do? Link to post Share on other sites
Wellnowuknow Posted July 21, 2004 Share Posted July 21, 2004 He was boinking the same hole for three years.You think he wants to have a serious relationship now. C'mon..He boinked you and now he wants to f*ck the whole world. Don't expect anything from him...at least not anytime soon. Link to post Share on other sites
She's Come Undone Posted July 21, 2004 Share Posted July 21, 2004 Originally posted by Wellnowuknow He was boinking the same hole for three years.You think he wants to have a serious relationship now. C'mon..He boinked you and now he wants to f*ck the whole world. Don't expect anything from him...at least not anytime soon. That was so eloquent I'm utterly speechless... ...and that, my friends, is what they call sarcasm. I guess only time will tell. In the meantime safeguard your feelings, and don't hesitate to see other people. Moving out is still a good idea. Link to post Share on other sites
Wellnowuknow Posted July 21, 2004 Share Posted July 21, 2004 Hey I'm saying what everyone is thinking..I'm not here to sugar coat it. Sorry if I offend anyone. Link to post Share on other sites
miz_barby Posted July 21, 2004 Share Posted July 21, 2004 You know I must say "good for you" if you two really were never intimate while he was dating someone else. I'm glad to see at least a couple people have some self respect and control! Anyway I think it is a good idea for you to move out, stay in contact without smothering him, and see where things will go. Truth be told (like the sarcastic poster stated) he may want time to see what else is out there like poke around in the punkin patch a bit. This is sad but typical, from your post I get the feeling you have strong feelings for him and being intimate probably only made things feel stronger BUT since he was honest with you about not being able to give 100% of himself nor does he want to commit to you then I say too that you should "safe guard" your feelings. Don't sleep with him (because to me this is saying that you're willing to settle for this alone), and if he doesn't seem to be coming around then I wouldn't spend too much time "waiting" on him. On the other hand.... Maybe he's still angry and hurt from the breakup with his ex and he doesn't want anymore emotional drama (not that you'd give him any). And maybe he doesn't want to show his ex that she was right (that there WAS something between you two emotionally while they were still together). Didn't you say that his ex was your CLOSE friend for 7 years? Sorry but if you were that close you probably shouldn't date him at all period. She was kind of right in a way, if you two were living together (come on what else happens when a guy and a single girl live together) I would have been really uncomfortable with the situation too. Whatever happens I hope it was worth losing a close friend over "boinking and falling" for her guy (sorry but I just think you shouldn't get involved with a friend's ex) Link to post Share on other sites
Author sleepygirl Posted July 21, 2004 Author Share Posted July 21, 2004 well, with regards to his ex being my friend-- we've had a really turbulent/unsatisfying friendship. We've fought and had distance between us-- and she's invaded my privacy (for instance, she was secretly reading my journal behind my back for months and getting angry about things i'd written, etc)-- for the entire time we've been friends. she also has a tendency to chew me out. i'm not sure if that qualifies as "true friendship" . . . Link to post Share on other sites
miz_barby Posted July 21, 2004 Share Posted July 21, 2004 No she shouldn't have "snuck" around and read your journal nor should she have "chewed you out" but sorry you should be the bigger better person and walk away and find someone who's never been with any of your friends but since you probably won't and if you don't mind losing your friend since you don't trust her much anyway then do what you feel you need to do. But realize that if he "fell for you" while he was with her no matter what their relationship was like there is the possibility he'll do the same to you (assuming he decides to be with you exclusively) maybe even with one of your "real" friends or maybe someone you don't know but either way you know "back biters get their backs bitten in the end as well" So just be careful and good luck! Link to post Share on other sites
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