nikki Posted July 21, 2004 Share Posted July 21, 2004 About a year ago, I was on our computer and found love songs that were emailed to a woman...from my father. The song that stood out the most was called "Your Husband, My Wife," so I found the lyrics online and they tore me apart! I showed my older brother and it devastated him! His girlfriend and my boyfriend were also told. For the past few years, my whole family thought he was a computer addict. This lead me to look in his outbox and I found the songs. Anyway, one year later, I figured out his password to aol - I know that's an invasion of privacy, but i couldn't help it - and I cannot believe what I have found! I found, and still find, emails to and from the same woman he sent the love songs to. They call each other "baby" and say "I love you" and things like that. So maybe, I thought, she's just some woman he met online. But that isn't the case. Once when he went on a business trip, it turns out he really went to the place with her. She sent him an email saying how she had such a great time with him and how she misses him. We suspected something was going on b/c before the trip, he bought new clothes with the money we gave him for father's day...clothes that he never had interest in wearing before! Even my mom made a big deal about him buying those clothes, joking & saying, "kids, your father must be having an affair!" Now, I found an email from her to him asking when the next time they can go out for drinks together. She even gave him some excuse that he could tell my mom. I have found old receipts in his wallet from bars and restaraunts, costing over $100 here and another $90 there. All of them have been during the time he should be at work. It's obvious he is with her those times. Recently, he's been joking around about leaving my mom in a few years for his other girlfriend. And of course, my mom will laugh at it, and he responds by saying "well, don't be surprised when it happens" and laughs! He puts it in a joking around manner. I have found out information on the other woman, and it turns out she lives 2 hours from us. Now, my dad says when he retires, that is the town he wants to move to. My mom has no clue! What do I do? On one hand, my dad is a cheating scumbag and horrible husband...on the other, he is a good father and always has been. I Before I knew any of this, I always thought I was lucky for having such a great dad. I don't want to get in the middle of any of this. I don't want either one of my parents hating me! But at the same time, if my mom ever found out years later and I knew about it all this time, I don't want to imagine how me keeping this secret for all this time would make her feel. My brother doesn't even know this stuff either...the last thing he knows was from last year with the love songs. It was too much for him to handle and it would kill him if he knew everything I know. Do I tell my mom? Or do I tell my dad that I know? Or, do just let it take its course? Please help me! Link to post Share on other sites
Debster Posted July 21, 2004 Share Posted July 21, 2004 You are in a rough spot. Ask yourself - what do you want to come out of it? If you want to stop the affair - tell your dad you know and he needs to stop. If you want to hurt/devastate your mom - tell her. If you want to reem out the OW - I'd send her an email and tell her you know about the affair and that she needs to stay away from your father and stop trying to tear your family apart. It's up to you. You may find you just want to even forget you found out. I feel for you. Link to post Share on other sites
Wellnowuknow Posted July 21, 2004 Share Posted July 21, 2004 Tell your dad you know then you can bribe him for anything you want. Kidding aside I would tell your mother...thats your mother dont you think she would tell you if she caught your bf cheating on you. How does it feel knowing your dad is sticking his thing up some other girl and then coming home and doing your mom. Hello your mother could catch aids or an STD! I think you should on a piece of paper hand her the AOL password and tell her to just go online. If she asks dont say anything just tell her to go online and all will be revealed. It's going to cause a big war mess but it needs to be done your mother deserves better. Link to post Share on other sites
thecake Posted July 21, 2004 Share Posted July 21, 2004 What a sticky situation... I think you should let your father know that you know... Link to post Share on other sites
miz_barby Posted July 21, 2004 Share Posted July 21, 2004 I agree that I think I would let my father know that I knew BUT I would tell him he had until later that night to tell you Mother or else you will, AND I think I would want to be next to my Mom's side when he told her for emotional support AND to make sure he was being completely honest with her. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr Spock Posted July 21, 2004 Share Posted July 21, 2004 I think you should tread very carefuly. A friend of the family's daughter found out that her dad was cheating on her mom, and knew for a year before and said nothing-the mother was completely devastated her daughter could have kept such a secret from her. It's not about loyalty to one over the other-you need to sit them BOTH down at the same time and talk to them. Link to post Share on other sites
tiki Posted July 21, 2004 Share Posted July 21, 2004 I'm going to ask you one question. If *your* husband were cheating on you, would you want to know...even if the news came from your daugther? -Put yourself in her position and go from there. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr Spock Posted July 21, 2004 Share Posted July 21, 2004 Either way, you're screwed. He'll be mad at you for ruining his fun, and she'll be pissed about the whole thing. Have you considered going into his AOL, emailing this woman and telling her to back off? Either way, he'll know that you know.... Link to post Share on other sites
lexnmike4enomore Posted July 21, 2004 Share Posted July 21, 2004 This is rough. Your father is going to ask how you found out. You cant tell him that you found his password and checked his email. Then he'll say that he stopped seeing her...his password will be changed and you never know if he's still communicating with this woman. I would try to get all the information you can about her.See if she's married too. Then i would try to run into them. Keep checking his email and see if they say specifically where they are going to meet. Pop up there and surprise them. But say "OOOH this must be Mary, I've read so much about you. Then he cant really be mad at you for invading his privacy....HE CHEATING ON YOUR MOM!!!!!! Link to post Share on other sites
tiki Posted July 21, 2004 Share Posted July 21, 2004 Sign in under her screen name and see if she im's him. Link to post Share on other sites
quankanne Posted July 21, 2004 Share Posted July 21, 2004 damn, what a sticky situation all around. Personally, I'd log in on his account (while he wasn't around) and start sending the OW mail saying he hated her guts/was just using her/didn't love her anymore/something equally strong and throw a monkey wrench into their affair. it's mean-spirited, but that might mean the end of their relationship and you don't have to worry about your dad leaving your mother for this woman. For sure, I'd made sure my mother was taken care of: help her set up her own checking account that HE doesn't have access to, have her to put half of "their money" into her account. If she asks, just sweetly tell her that you hate the idea of her being left hanging if something should ever happen to daddy. If he asks, you can jokingly tell him, "well, seeing as you've planned to leave my mother, I want to be sure she's got enough money to tide her over." I'd also look into all their joint-ownership stuff -- house, property, etc -- and see if her name is on it so that she has access to it if it comes down to divorce. but this is me. I can be vindictive when it comes to my mother, so I've not had a problem busting my dad's butt when I thought he was treating her crappily. It never got to the situation that you've described, but my father and I have gone around enough for him to know that I will give him an earful when I think it's come to that. Link to post Share on other sites
murasaki Posted July 21, 2004 Share Posted July 21, 2004 Originally posted by quankanne For sure, I'd made sure my mother was taken care of: help her set up her own checking account that HE doesn't have access to, have her to put half of "their money" into her account. OK, this is a good idea. In my opinion, you should treat your mother like the adult that she is, and give her the information she deserves to have. You've had a lot of time to think about this and as difficult as it is for you, it's at least not as much of a shock to you, now, as it is going to be for your mom. So you can expect that she's going to need some help coping and figuring out what to do. I have to say that I think your dad sounds especially callous about his affair. He's been dropping clues and even makes nasty little jokes at your mom's expense. He's laughing at her naiveté. Once it's revealed, what do you think your dad's going to do? Do you think he's going to just drop the other woman? This is a long-standing affair, and he seems to be considering leaving your mom, or at least moving to be nearer his mistress. Getting busted may give him the push/excuse he needs, and you may find to your dismay that he has made arrangements in advance for such a development. Make a list of things your mom needs to look into: the bank account(s), credit cards (I think she should cancel any jointly held accounts and just get credit cards in her own name), etc. The name of a good lawyer. Maybe your parents can salvage their marriage. Maybe your dad will repent and drop his mistress once his secret is revealed. But look at it this way: one of your parents is very vulnerable right now . You want to do whatever you can to help that parent. The fact that the cause of your mom's vulnerability is your dad's deceitfulness doesn't change the fact that your mom is vulnerable and needs your help. Personally I wouldn't recommend having any communication with the mistress, or looking into her background, etc. At this point it's irrelevant and you don't want to tip your dad off to the fact that you're on to him. I wouldn't tell your dad that you know before you tell your mom. I think the best way might be to sit her down in front of the computer and have her watch as you log onto your dad's aol account. Sit with her as she looks at the evidence. And then let her decide what to do next -- but offer some suggestions for first steps like taking care of the bank account & other stuff. Even if she wants to reconcile with him, or try to, she should situate herself so that she's not so vulnerable. You can help her do that. Good luck -- I wouldn't want to be in your shoes. Link to post Share on other sites
Redwinged Posted July 25, 2004 Share Posted July 25, 2004 I am so terribly sorry that you find yourself stuck in the middle on this one. What your father is doing is horrible, not just for your mom and dad's relationship but for all of your entire family. However, I agree with most of those on here that you need to take action. I would either tell my father, as many have also suggested, and give hima 24 hour time limit. If he had not told her by then, I would tell her myself. Yes, she is going to be angry, maybe even with you, but she will get over it and life calm down once again. I swear it! This too, shall pass! Good Luck! Link to post Share on other sites
familygrl Posted July 29, 2004 Share Posted July 29, 2004 Hi Nikki - i just found out a few days ago that my father cheated on my mother with a stripper - she's not a dancer at this point. he always swore to me that if he cheated on my mom, it wouldn't be with a stripper. he moved out for 2 weeks and my mom was out of town visiting me, so my father had a wonderful time acting is if he were single again. he's given me so many excuses and lies, and continues to do so because he doesn't know my mother and i know everything. we found out three days ago, and yesterday i was starting to feel okay, but today has been horrible. i want to confront him and tell him all i know and how much he disgusts me, but i can't....it hurts really bad good luck with your situation, i really don't know what to tell you, just wanted to share with you since you were kind enough to tell your story Link to post Share on other sites
I Survived Posted August 14, 2004 Share Posted August 14, 2004 Nikki You don't say how old you are, but I am sorry that you've been put in this situation. I'm sure you love you Mom and Dad and you are really having a hard time figuring out what to do. Do your parents go to church? Is there a priest or minister that you could talk to about this dilemna? Maybe he/she can help you. How about a doctor. Does your family have a doctor who you could confide in? He could talk to your dad and he wouldn't even have to say where he heard it. I don't think you should have to be the one to disclose your father's affair. You have enough stress just knowing about it. I hope everything works out for you. If I could email your father myself I would. What he's doing is selfish and hurtful to your family. Good luck honey. Link to post Share on other sites
treegirl Posted August 14, 2004 Share Posted August 14, 2004 This is hard...... if you tell your Mum you know it's going to tear her apart but if you keep this inside you, it's going to tear everyone apart.... Your Dad has done something wrong, it should be up to him to be truthful but that doesn't always happen... I'm not sure what you should do.... everything you do is going to tear your family apart! It's hard and I wish you the very best of luck.... do what you feel is right.... Love TreeGirl xoxo Link to post Share on other sites
amerikajin Posted August 14, 2004 Share Posted August 14, 2004 I know I'm jumping in late on this one and that whatever was going to be done has probably already been done by now. In a situation like this, I think you either deal directly or don't deal at all - and don't let anyone know you know. Either way, you will have to live with a tough choice between decision and indecision, the consequences of both being pretty severe. Just know that you didn't volunteer to be put into this position and that this might be a situation that is taxing the limits of your experience and knowledge. Don't blame yourself - whatever the outcome. If you want to get involved, I'd first approach the father and, as academic and moot as it might seem, I'd try to get an official explanation from him. Whenever he says something that doesn't add up, confront him about it, and let him know why you don't believe him. If you've got evidence to the contrary, show it, and get an explanation (or a confession). I think eventually, he will have no choice but to confess. When you've gotten him to confess to the truth (assuming that it's what you now believe to be true), I'd tell him that it's not your place to tell your mother; it's his. He created this mess, and he's the one responsible for fixing it. If he can't agree to that, then I'd tell your mother immediately. I'm undecided about whether or not you should sit them both down together and let the cat out of the bag. In some ways it would be easier for you to deal with because he couldn't intimidate or use his authority to get you to change your course of action. But as bad as things are now, it would be even more humiliating to do it in front of your mother - not to mention she'd be shocked beyond belief. You'd be dealing with a flood of emotion - much of it vented in your direction. Understand he will be very angry and indignant about being found out. He might even try to use his role as an authority to intimidate you or shame you into backing off. But if you want to get involved, remember, go all the way; don't back down. Be resolute. If you can't handle the pressure that comes with getting involved in this, then don't get involved. Whatever happens, happens. Either way, you don't control it. I know your mother would probably be angry about your keeping a secret (just as your father would be angry about exposing it). I somehow think that both people (even your father) will eventually come to see that you were placed in an impossible situation - one that you should never have been confronted with. They will still love you. Link to post Share on other sites
treeman Posted August 17, 2004 Share Posted August 17, 2004 The best thing to do might be to confront your dad about it. Your mum might know about it, well maybe just she doesn't wanna ruin you kids and the family apart. If you talk to your dad about it, it might either make him think about what he's doing. Although try to stay out of the fact you got into his email just tell him you found out by the other things you got to know by snooping around. Good luck with it, it would be such a hard thing to go through. -Ben Link to post Share on other sites
gold26 Posted August 18, 2004 Share Posted August 18, 2004 i would try to find out the next plan they have to meet.. then take my mother there and accidently "bump" into them..have your mother catch them together in person.. if there is going to be a confrontation thats how it should me rather than have you have her read emails.. she may try to pass them off as a joke or fantasy.. if she finds them together in person there can be no mistake as to whats going on..and he will have a much more difficult time talking his way out of it either.. Link to post Share on other sites
pinoy Posted August 28, 2004 Share Posted August 28, 2004 alright........i have read through this entire thread and i am stuck in almost the same situation......its funny because everything happened just the same with emails and whatnot.........although the difference is that i have caught my mom.....i have read through the other replies and feel that it is a much different situation so could i have any opinions? Link to post Share on other sites
atlantic beach Posted August 31, 2004 Share Posted August 31, 2004 Tell your dad that you know...keep it simple not too many details. Give him a deadline. I agree that you should be there to support your mom...or in better terms protect her from killing him and going to prison (smile). Prepare yourself emotionally for this event...because it will hurt the family...but honesty is the best policy. By all means email this chic on the side and remind her that what goes around comes around...she'd be next if your dad found someone else of intrest. You said your dad is a great dad...I believe you.. but he sucks as a husband..so your relationship should not suffer so bad...as for your mom she'll be devasted but down the road... happy (one day). Please remember that there's always a reason for everything and your parents marriage is something that THEY need to examine. But for now your dad's dirty laudry needs to be put out to dry. Give him a week...that should give him enough time to get a hotel and find a damn good marraige counselor if both parties agree. By the way you should be a private investigator (smile) Link to post Share on other sites
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