FWB- complicated stuff!

[rose27]

Just a bit of a background- I am a 26 y/o female and I've been single for just over 18 months after coming out of a LTR. *I've been on a couple of unsuccessful dates with guys, none of them I had a real connection with. *I became extremely picky about who I dated and I guess the idea of dating new people scared me, so I just focused on getting my life together for a while. *The last time I saw my ex we had sex and this was earlier in the year (something I regret). *He is now currently in a relationship. *I've spent time moving on from this as I felt a little used and at that time I had hope that we'd reconcile. *I felt like I had finally let go so I decided it was time to start dating, even if I was only slightly interested in someone.

 

I met up with a guy I used to speak to years ago who recently contacted me. *I wasn't very interested but I thought it would be a good start for me and maybe us both being older, things would be different. *Things went well but I wasn't immediately attracted to him physically. *He's a great guy, very funny, but he's not someone I'd marry. *As we were chatting, he told me that he wasn't looking for a relationship and I immediately responded saying the same thing. *I guess I said it so I didn't feel like an idiot, or maybe because he just wasn't boyfriend material. *But something we did have was sexual attraction. *I realised this because I decided to kiss him on our first date- I must have been craving the affection *I've met up with him a few times and each time he's been extremely horny and I've been very resistant to doing anything with him. *Don't get me wrong, he has been getting to know me and we talk quite a lot about life etc. *But ultimately, he doesn't want the commitment. *Last night we went out to dinner and we had the discussion about what we both wanted. *He was straight out and said that he wants to have sex with me and doesn't want a relationship. *I've never done the whole FWB thing. It freaks me out and I've only been intimate in relationships. *But I decided to go ahead with his offer for some reason. *I don't know if I felt pressured but I think I just wanted to try something different. *Halfway through I had to stop him and I just started bawling my eyes out. *In a way, it felt like a release. *I'm not sure what caused it but it could have something to do with the fact that it didn't feel intimate, something I'm used to. *He sat with his arms around me in bed as I cried and he thought that perhaps it was closure for me as it actually felt like like I was really truly moving on. * A part of me also felt used and deep down because *I know all I truly want is for a man to love me unconditionally. *I didn't tell him this because I don't want to freak him out and I don't mind the arrangement. *It's a bit of a distraction for me for now and I don't think I see a relationship working for us.*

 

What my biggest concern is how it's already affecting me emotionally. *I really like seeing him, even just to talk and for his companionship. *But in some ways I feel like just seeing him for sex is immoral. *I do eventually want to meet a guy and have a proper relationship even though most guys I've met are only after one thing which is frustrating! *I just don't know if I should continue seeing this guy or move on. *I'd love to hear if anyone has had any similar experiences and any opinions/views on my situation would be helpful.*

[crazylove]

For your own sanity, i would say steer clear of this FWB arrangement....you won't handle it, and that's plain to see now, let alone further down the track when you're attached to him and he still just wants sex with you.

Cut your losses now, it will make it much easier.

[sweetheart5381]

For your own sanity, i would say steer clear of this FWB arrangement....you won't handle it, and that's plain to see now, let alone further down the track when you're attached to him and he still just wants sex with you.

Cut your losses now, it will make it much easier.

 

I agree, FWB is very tough of you can't detach/compartmentalize the intimate moments.

 

Once you reach a point that there is a bond there, there is no going back. If you fall in love it will be very hard to say "no" to the intimacy that will be offered in a fleeting moment of physical desire. For you it will feel like love, for him it will feel like sex, however strong the friendship is.

 

This comes from experience, trust me. Been there, did it with a best friend. It nearly ended a 30 yr friendship.

 

I am in the same boat right now with another good friend... still deciding what to do since I don't want a relationship either, but I enjoy our time together and we are very compatible, sexually and otherwise. We have tentatively decided to get together now and then, not regularly and with no pressure. We don't want to ruin our friendship, but want to take things really slow as we are both out of relationships and getting our **** together, so to speak. We also work together and see each other everyday, complicating things a bit.

 

My advice would be to steer clear of FWB if you are not both on the same page about expectations (should be none), etc.

[rose27]

I've been doing a lot of thinking about it over the last few days. I know I want to be in a serious relationship with someone who wants the same thing and with someone I am attracted to. I am sexually and somewhat physically attracted to this guy. Emotionally, perhaps not which is why I feel like this arrangement could work for now. I know it sounds bad, but he's fulfilling my sexual needs- I mean I'm only human and it's not only males who feel that way. In the past, every girl he has been with has wanted more so he's always had to end it at that point. I don't see myself wanting more, even if we do continue this because I know where I stand and I don't want to ruin this whole 'arrangement'. It's actually helped me move on from my ex in a strange way. You're both right in saying it's probably not the best idea as it can screw with your emotions but I guess I'm prepared for it. If I feel like I want more I know that will be my cue to leave as I'd rather make the decision to end it rather than have him tell me. That would hurt too much. And I'm sure he won't care since he's the one who isn't keen on a relationship.

[sweetheart5381]

I've been doing a lot of thinking about it over the last few days. I know I want to be in a serious relationship with someone who wants the same thing and with someone I am attracted to. I am sexually and somewhat physically attracted to this guy. Emotionally, perhaps not which is why I feel like this arrangement could work for now. I know it sounds bad, but he's fulfilling my sexual needs- I mean I'm only human and it's not only males who feel that way. In the past, every girl he has been with has wanted more so he's always had to end it at that point. I don't see myself wanting more, even if we do continue this because I know where I stand and I don't want to ruin this whole 'arrangement'. It's actually helped me move on from my ex in a strange way. You're both right in saying it's probably not the best idea as it can screw with your emotions but I guess I'm prepared for it. If I feel like I want more I know that will be my cue to leave as I'd rather make the decision to end it rather than have him tell me. That would hurt too much. And I'm sure he won't care since he's the one who isn't keen on a relationship.

 

You just explained why it is a difficult situation. I mean, you won't admit it, but since your feelings would be hurt if he ended the "relationship"....well nuff said. Not to be hard on you but he most likely won't tell you so it will be totally in your hands at the end of the day.

 

As soon as you agree to FWB, you need to be ready for the ramifications and quite often the heart will ignore the head and gut and will try to rationalize spending time with someone you have feelings for. Get to know your own heart.

 

My "friend" that I have been spending time with just came out of a FWB relationship, I know them both and she was expecting more than he was ever going to give - he feels guilty for it and she feels used, etc. Very painful indeed as they are both good people. He has been totally honest with me that he doesn't want a relationship and I understand him well. I have maintained my distance since then... not gonna get in deep.

 

All I can say is that if your heart gets broke, it's in your hands, he put his cards on the table... and trust me, it hurts like hell if you fall in love with him.