30 years down the tubes.

[SandRat]

I've only been married once. It's been thirty + years. It would have been 31 next April.

 

The kids have been gone, not in our house but near, for like 4 years now and just recently our oldest left the area and took our only grandson with her. They moved to ND.. The other two daughters are in SD.. We live in WA..

 

Anyway, I've been unhappy for the last 15 years or so but stayed for the kids. I couldn't bear the thought of some other arsehole raising my girls. Well, I just couldn't do it any more. Our love is almost completely dead. No intimacy anymore, for like 5 years, and we really have nothing in common now that the family is gone. Really sucks to have to take stock of your life after all these years and find that there's nothing left to salvage.

 

So, I guess my question is, and the reason for this thread is, have any of you broke up after this many years married for the same basic reasons I just listed? Just wondering how you dealt with it. Some times I just start crying and don't know why. I mean I know why but there's usually an exact reason for the break down, you know what I mean? I swear, any of you tell anyone I cried and I'll fire bomb your houses!!

 

Sooooo, I hope someone can tell me they went through something similar and that in the end it was worth it. Anyone?

[Anela]

My dad would probably invite you to fire bomb this place, but I won't tell anyone that you cried.

 

I've never been through it, but I know of someone who has recently moved in with his long-distance love, after getting out of a long marriage. I could swear I remember him writing about it, but I've barely spoken to him in the past few years (I was very shy, and he is a "larger than life" personality, who was kind to me, but I was intimidated). I know his girlfriend, and she's been posting updates on FB - she moved to be with him, after something like six/seven years. they sound like they're very happy.

Edited September 9, 2012 by Anela

[Sauron]

Hey man, I can feel you. I have been where you are. I choose a different path and found a OW to fill the holes in my marriage. I know you posted on one of my threads about staying married for money. I stay for that, and other reasons. I have read extensively about older divorce, gray divorce and it is one of the fastest growing demographics in the country, the Over 50 crowd. I found a solution, not very popular around here, but it works for me. You want another woman in your life? You want to be single? You want to play the field? What do you want? I don't know how old you are, but I would think in your 50's. Lot's of people find hapiness as mature adults in new realationships these days. I also stayed for my kids, I didn't want them being raised by anyone but me. Of course mine are adults. My OW is my age and she says that the dating world for people our age is very difficult and she would rather be in the realtionship we have. The good news is you have lots of options. Does your wife feel the same way you do?

[shiftman]

Do a search for a thread called "My long and winding road" and take a look.

[g450]

SandRat,

 

I was in almost the same exact situation. Except my XW was the one that got tired of our relationship and she was the one that did all she could to make us less happy together. But she waited until our Son was gone to drop the bomb on me. I was totally blindsided as our marriage was not all that bad in my eyes.

 

Just to recap my own situation: We were married for about 23 years total. We had one kid and he was grown and on his own for over a year when she told me she wanted a divorce out of the blue and said she wasnt happy and we were living like roommates. In retrospect I later realized that she basically treated me like crap for the last five or so years of our marriage. Nothing I ever did was good enough and she cut off sex to about once a month and stopped initiating any and all affection towards me.

 

Turns out there was also an OM. She started love talk with her old HS lover from 1974 even though the POS was married and had five kids she continued an EA with him and may have had a PA also but I do not know how long this has been going on. Hell it could have been for years.

 

How did I deal with it? All the wrong way, I cried and pleaded. It was pittiful and I wish I had found this forum sooner than I did. I also obsesed about her for a little over a year. I didnt find out about the OM until two months past the divorce and obsesed about what she was doing and with whom etc. I was torturing myself.

 

Only good part is that I did lose a lot of weight and started working out. Sad to say that now that I am remaried three years later I am putting the pounds back on. Im not huge or anything but I do have the typical build of a 50 year old man who likes to eat BBQ and drink beer etc.

 

I did start going out and did some dating about six months out. First girl I got serious with turned out to have more issues than newspaper factory and was doing muliple guys even while downgraded me from a FB to Friendzone.

 

I did finally find the woman who would be my next wife and it was rough going at first. I had issues with trust and she was not over her XH. It didnt help when she cheated on me with him. In fact we split early on because she was still screwing around with him. We have resloved that and have been married since June. Im hoping this marriage will be my last one and that it lasts another 20 years. If if doesnt work out (Im a realist) then I think Ill just stay single and enjoy the single life. Not going to waste my last ten to twenty years dealing with drama. This is supposed to be the part of our lives where life should be easy and stress free right? It think its mighty nice that I will be raising some other losers kid for him for the next four years. But my girl is worth it.

 

Anyway, I know exactly how you feel buddy, been there. But trust me you will feel better in time. Time is key. Give it a year. Im three years out and married to a girl that is a bit younger than me and she has given me the sex life I had only dreamed about when I was married to my 1st wife. And kid you not, it is OPEN SEASON for older guys like you and me who have a home and a career and money to spend on a decent girl. We are in high demand. Trust me on this.

 

As for my X Im not sure if shes happy or not. Either way she wanted to be single again so she got exactly what she asked for. She is financially better off than me but I got the house. She is pushing 60 now and not exactly a beauty queen (although she always was in my eye). Some people just lose it when they reach middle age. See it all the time. I really wanted to be with one person all my life. Just wasnt in the cardsI guess.

 

Take care of yourself and it will all work out for you. Family and friends are the key to spending your time.