Barrsitter Posted September 9, 2012 Share Posted September 9, 2012 Pointless. Waste o'time, energy, emotions. Happy to be out of it. Never visiting Pointless-land again. 7 Link to post Share on other sites
rhw Posted September 9, 2012 Share Posted September 9, 2012 ... soul-destructing. me either. never, ever getting sucked into one again. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
cocorico Posted September 9, 2012 Share Posted September 9, 2012 ....not for the faint-hearted, but very rewarding if you conduct yourself with authenticity and integrity and make sure your needs are being met at any stage. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Silly_Girl Posted September 9, 2012 Share Posted September 9, 2012 ...an education. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
sad puppy Posted September 9, 2012 Share Posted September 9, 2012 Life changing. If you want it. I do believe in the world wisdom traditions and the writings about twin souls and karmic soulmates. For the longest time, I thought we were twin souls, souls destined to be together. The "11s" we're everywhere, until the absolute bitter end. Now, I believe he was a karmic soulmate and this experience taught me where I need to work on myself, to become whole, within me. He didn't "mirror" my issues, I don't think, but through all the soul searching, I have been able to see the issues I need to address in my life. I think I have tendencies towards love addiction, probably tied into my dad dying when I was young. Those addictive behaviors played out in this affair. Also, there just are some areas in my life I need to address if I want a healthy, loving, quality relationship. I need to become a better me. I have smoked for 35 years, it's been one week without real cigs, although I'm using a ecig right now. Wow. That is huge. I'm sticking to my yoga classes. I'm getting ready to sell my house and move. I am embracing transformation in my life, in all ways, to become a better me. I am using the pain from the affair as fuel for my journey. I want this pain and anger and confusion to be my springboard to achieve a better life, so as not to waste whatever time I have left, wallowing in the pain. I am aiming to use this experience to propel myself forward to a better life. He was my karmic soulmate, this is how I choose to look at it. He came in to my life for a reason, to me, I'm using it as a wake up call to redesign my life. I will not allow this experience to hurt me, in the long run, no, I am using it to strive to become a healthier, and happier person. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
travelbug1996 Posted September 9, 2012 Share Posted September 9, 2012 for those with low self worth. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
cocorico Posted September 9, 2012 Share Posted September 9, 2012 .... Not for the safe, the boring or the narrow-minded. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
MissBee Posted September 9, 2012 Share Posted September 9, 2012 .... Not for the safe, the boring or the narrow-minded. I wonder if this is about who has affairs, i.e. only risk taking, exciting, open-minded and enlightened folks get into them or is it that only those kinds of folks are "cut out" for them. In any event my answer would be the same as SG's "...an education" Truthfully, my exAP wasn't married so that's a whole other ball game. I don't think I'm that exciting or risk-taking, as I'm most certain if he were in fact married, somehow that would have registered as an even bigger helllll no to me. Link to post Share on other sites
sad puppy Posted September 9, 2012 Share Posted September 9, 2012 I see for many of us, the affair creates some soul searching, causes us to examine our lives, at a very deep level. I wonder for spouses, that take back their cheating, lying spouse, I wonder how they reconcile the betrayal? I wonder if they question their own level of self esteem? It seems that someone of low self esteem would take back a cheater, someone that lies to them, someone that essentially isn't happy at home so they go looking elsewhere for satisfaction - whether it be sexual, emotional, friendship, or all of the above. I wonder how one does actually reconcile that type of betrayal? Especially, when we know that many people are miserable but do not cheat in their marriages. Cheaters cheat. What type of gymnastics of the mind does a betrayed spouse have to go through to take back the one that cheated on them? Having been in an intense love affair, I know I could never take back a cheater, knowing the deep intimacy, particularly emotional, that me & my AP shared. I know what's on that side of the fence. I could never tolerate a cheater, I would be unable to fool myself. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
MissBee Posted September 9, 2012 Share Posted September 9, 2012 (edited) I see for many of us, the affair creates some soul searching, causes us to examine our lives, at a very deep level. I wonder for spouses, that take back their cheating, lying spouse, I wonder how they reconcile the betrayal? I wonder if they question their own level of self esteem? It seems that someone of low self esteem would take back a cheater, someone that lies to them, someone that essentially isn't happy at home so they go looking elsewhere for satisfaction - whether it be sexual, emotional, friendship, or all of the above. I wonder how one does actually reconcile that type of betrayal? Especially, when we know that many people are miserable but do not cheat in their marriages. Cheaters cheat. What type of gymnastics of the mind does a betrayed spouse have to go through to take back the one that cheated on them? Having been in an intense love affair, I know I could never take back a cheater, knowing the deep intimacy, particularly emotional, that me & my AP shared. I know what's on that side of the fence. I could never tolerate a cheater, I would be unable to fool myself. I think there are several ways of reconciling it, depending on the individual and depending on the nature of the A and the WS etc. I think the ways OW, esp those in long term As, make it okay, are similar to the ways a BS makes it okay. The stakes and terms are different for each, but the point is that, both people KNOW something less than wonderful about this person and both choose them in light of this. The rationals abound...some may be legitimate, others not so much, but each person finds a way to make the situation worth it to them. I've always said I can't forgive cheating. A lot of that feeling comes from my mom who has forgiven a serial cheater. I think witnessing that has made me less tolerant and I feel like I don't ever want to be "that woman".However, I do know serially cheating and having an affair once are different things and it is very much possible to choose to have an affair once and you grow and learn from that and can be faithful henceforth. I can't say that I'd NEVER forgive. We're imperfect and for me, I guess I realize it comes down to one's willingness to do better and genuinely change versus discarding immediately based upon imperfection. Maybe I'd TRY at least, and if it's not working, I can let go knowing that I gave it a shot. Some OW say yeah right if the MM tried to marry them, they'd never marry him as he's a cheater and they don't want him to cheat on them ...yet they're with him in the A, for reasons they've deemed okay and worth it, as is. Others go on to marry their MM and think that his cheating is not a character flaw and will play no role in their own marriage...for some they learn they've made quite the mistake believing this and for others, maybe they were right. A BS deciding to reconcile (and I imagine most get counseling, they take time to come to this decisions etc) is working with some of the same beliefs and is weighing some of the same things. Edited September 9, 2012 by MissBee 3 Link to post Share on other sites
bambia Posted September 9, 2012 Share Posted September 9, 2012 Pointless. Waste o'time, energy, emotions. Happy to be out of it. Never visiting Pointless-land again. Like marriages all are different. Some are magic and some are tragic. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
DBella Posted September 9, 2012 Share Posted September 9, 2012 Ok, these don't necessarily apply to every OW/OM at the same time, but here we go... Affairs w/ MM / MW are for many that -don't mind being "on call" and eating other's leftovers -are not caught up in ethics or moral stuff from society -wanna prove a point they can overcome the challenge of making that MM stop being committed to just one person -are into the swinging lifestyle -aren't that worried about the rate STD's are spreading now days -don't want a full-time boyfriend and feel part-time or on call is more convenient -are unable to attract a single man/woman -find a thrill with submitting themselves to that MM or MW's wishes or needs (kind of like harem style) -want the lifestyle of the BS -are sexually predatory -easily manipulated and so on, the list is long... Link to post Share on other sites
sad puppy Posted September 9, 2012 Share Posted September 9, 2012 Bitter much? Haha. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
DBella Posted September 9, 2012 Share Posted September 9, 2012 Bitter much? Haha. I was until not that long ago, but I finally reached that point where you just kinda feel sorry about that OW. In the end, she sorta became a victim in this situation. Link to post Share on other sites
AnotherRound Posted September 9, 2012 Share Posted September 9, 2012 That's interesting bc I have always felt sorry for the STBxW. Perceptions is an odd thing sometimes. I don't think that any experience that we have had in life that led us to learn more about ourselves and the world around us is ever a waste of time. I will take all the lessons I can get bc my goal is truly self actualization. It doesn't come for too many people, but I'm hoping that it will for me. But the only way to get there is to learn from each and every single thing that happens in my life and take that lesson with me into the next experience. I am glad that I had the experience, bc what I learned about myself and relationships and marriage in the process was priceless. I look at every experience as a gift, whether it was negative or positive. And my A? Well, like any relationship, it was a mixture of both. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Owl Posted September 10, 2012 Share Posted September 10, 2012 ...nearly always devestating to everyone involved, and those peripherally involved as well. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
beenburned Posted September 10, 2012 Share Posted September 10, 2012 sad puppy, I think the reason so many people have different thoughts about EMAs is that no two are exactly alike. Many books on the subject say that the majority of affairs are ONS, FB, or brief flings. Long term love affairs are in the minority. You asked some thought provoking questions about BW's that I would like to answer but it would be a thread jack here. It would be a good post for a new thread. Link to post Share on other sites
DBella Posted September 10, 2012 Share Posted September 10, 2012 Your list seemed designed to try and make people feel bad, no overlooking that, but it actually brought up some great discussion topics and gave me the opportunity to address some of the misconceptions that are out there! Great discussion topics! I wasn't trying to make anybody feel bad, sorry if I did. Just giving different points of view that apply to some ppl but I can see how some could get a little defensive and probably offended by the post. If you care to elaborate, please let's start by #1 which you replied with a "False. He comes to me first". Ok, so how is it false that you are not getting somebody else's leftovers or being on call? How can you tell 100% that he goes to you first? Do you monitor this guy like that to know it for sure? If you aren't getting anybody's leftovers how come many of you call yourselves the other woman, how come many of you are always kept in the dark for the longest? I'm sorry but he might go see you first thing in the morning but at night the W is the one with him, so tell me if the next day you didn't eat the W's leftovers from the night before. Let me guess...your answer is gonna be, "no I'm not eating any leftovers, I am sharing the meal with her, I eat my half in the morning then she eats the other half at night" Really, who are you trying to fool besides yourself? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Toots Posted September 11, 2012 Share Posted September 11, 2012 ... fun while they last and leave some happy memories. Link to post Share on other sites
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