Married but lonely

[Michaelgray71]

I really don't know how to say any of this. I'm a man and i'm very lonely in my marriage but i still love her very much. Does this make since?

 

About 4 years ago my wife developed COPD and went on a Bi-Pap machine and oxygen machine. She went through a great depression thinking i'd leave her over all this but i wasn't raised that way. I told her that i made a promise the love her in sickness and health and by God i was going to keep that promise. Well the love never went out or our marriage but our sex life and physical life went out the door. She feels that she's unattractive with oxygen hoses around her and hasn't let me touch her, besides a kiss, since. I tell her that none of the hoses bothers me and that i see her as i've always seen her, beautiful, but nothing i say or do matters.

 

Fast forward 2 and a half years and now she has developed breast cancer, stage one and we caught it very early. She has her lump removed and goes through 3 months of radiation therapy, me standing by her side the whole time promising to love her no matter what and NOW she understands and tells me that she loves me too and still as deeply as before, but she just doesn't want anything to do with physical love anymore and that i should just go get a girlfriend to play with so long as i come back home to her. I assumed it was the surgery and everything getting to her so I've been very patient with her and still loving her with all my heart...but...I miss being touched. I know i shouldn't feel this way and that i should just shut up and deal with it, but i'm getting depressed and i don't know what to do anymore.

 

Rewind about 10 years ago and we we're on the edge of a divorce. I'd ALMOST had a thing with a younger girl and my wife with an other man, but we made it through it together. How did we do it? Swinging. We thought that if we both wanted to cheat on each other we try it with our eyes open and with the full knowledge of what we we're doing. And instead if breaking us up it brought us closer together and we continued to go to swing parties for a number of years, seeing friends and having FWB relationships in and out of the party. But we agreed to get out of the lifestyle for good as she told me she was tired of it and wanted me to herself from now on, and i was good with that. We went into this together and we got out together and we never looked back.

 

Now back to the present and here i sit wondering what to do with myself. My depression has grown in the last couple years to the point that i let myself go, gaining 60 pounds. I've felt like if she doesn't want me anymore than no one ever would so why even try anymore. I love her so very much and she knows it and tells me the same thing, but she just keeps telling me to go find a F.W.B. but all i ever do is go to work and come home to my beautiful wife. Am i wrong in feeling the way i do? And how can i go and find a FWB but still honor my marriage of 21 years?

 

I'm just confused and lonely.

[veryhappy]

How old are you? How old is she?

 

You have been great for loving her no matter what for the past 4 years. Have you thought of marriage counseling? She loves you, you love her, touch seems to not be physically impossible, so I think you have a good chance with MC.

[Michaelgray71]

I'm 42 and she's 53. I've talked to her about MC but she says we're fine the way we are and to just go find the FWB.

[TaraMaiden]

Well you're not fine the way you are, and the reason she doesn't want counselling is that she knows you're NOT fine the way you are, but she doesn't want to acknowledge the elephant in the room, let skeletons out of the closet, stir the ashes or any other simile/idiom which means she'd have to face the demons.

 

So if she won't do anything about it, that leaves you.

So this is what you do:

You get yourself on a good exercise regime. you start taking an interest in cooking and make yourself healthy meals.

You take care of you and book IC for yourself.

Get a grip.

 

Your life/happiness/well-being/fulfilment is not dependent on this woman.

Why?

Because you are no longer her husband.

 

Read that again.

 

You are her carer.

The marriage in and of itself, died long ago.

You have become her carer and are looking after her, which is what happens in relationships of great age disparity.

 

The same thing happened in my parents' marriage.

My mother became my elderly father's carer. (11 years difference)

This, however, hit them in their old age.

You?

You're still young, so sex is an important factor of intimacy.

You've let yourself go, because the only woman you want, doesn't want you, so why bother?

Well, you matter.

Don't put her first.

Not in this issue.

Just because she's ill, and has needed care, she cannot come first in all matters.

She has made her decision, and her decision cuts you out.

And you're supposed to just accept that?

Why?

Because her illness gives her that right?

I don't think so.

Why should it?

Go find a FWB is an off-load of her responsibility in this marriage.

It's a convenient way of not having to deal with things.

And it's unfair, because it's treating your moral fibre with disrespect.

 

Get your head straight in Counselling, and get your physique in good shape by manning up and being disciplined.

This is about you.

It's about you, looking after you, and just for once - putting yourself first.

Edited September 9, 2012 by TaraMaiden

[Sauron]

I say take care of her and find a FWB. Doesn't mean you love her any less, and even though you are a primary caregiver, you still have needs as a man. I talked to my wife about swinging, she thought I had lost my mind. I have read where swinging actually enhances the realtionship as you mentioned, I will never know unfortunately. I am new here by the way, I will say a lot of people's default position is for someone to get counseling, I think counseling is over rated for couples but might have some value on an individual level. Sorry that she has so many health issues, getting older is certainly a challenge. Good luck to you.

[TaraMaiden]

.....I will say a lot of people's default position is for someone to get counseling, I think counseling is over rated for couples but might have some value on an individual level.

I agree with you in part.

I had to plough my way through 3 different Individual counsellors, before I finally thought 'phukket, I can do this myself!'

 

I'm sure there are really good counsellors out there, providing people remember that Counsellors don't do any of the work. A counsellor is there to help tease the questions - and answers - out of you, for you to figure out what to do.

They 'enable' the process, but don't drive it.

 

In brief, my three counsellors failed because:

The first - a woman - came on to me.

The second - a man - told me jesus would help me find the way -

the third - a woman - told me she had taken a dislike to me, and felt I was above myself....

 

I sure could pick em! (well TBH the first was a referral, but I digress)...

 

Michael you're going to have to decide how much you want/need to invest in this aspect of your relationship.

And I hate to bring up the dirty word, but Separation may be a factor you'd have to consider, if FWB-finding is really not something you can turn your mind to.

Otherwise, you're at stalemate.

[frozensprouts]

I really don't know how to say any of this. I'm a man and i'm very lonely in my marriage but i still love her very much. Does this make since?

 

About 4 years ago my wife developed COPD and went on a Bi-Pap machine and oxygen machine. She went through a great depression thinking i'd leave her over all this but i wasn't raised that way. I told her that i made a promise the love her in sickness and health and by God i was going to keep that promise. Well the love never went out or our marriage but our sex life and physical life went out the door. She feels that she's unattractive with oxygen hoses around her and hasn't let me touch her, besides a kiss, since. I tell her that none of the hoses bothers me and that i see her as i've always seen her, beautiful, but nothing i say or do matters.

 

Fast forward 2 and a half years and now she has developed breast cancer, stage one and we caught it very early. She has her lump removed and goes through 3 months of radiation therapy, me standing by her side the whole time promising to love her no matter what and NOW she understands and tells me that she loves me too and still as deeply as before, but she just doesn't want anything to do with physical love anymore and that i should just go get a girlfriend to play with so long as i come back home to her. I assumed it was the surgery and everything getting to her so I've been very patient with her and still loving her with all my heart...but...I miss being touched. I know i shouldn't feel this way and that i should just shut up and deal with it, but i'm getting depressed and i don't know what to do anymore.

 

Rewind about 10 years ago and we we're on the edge of a divorce. I'd ALMOST had a thing with a younger girl and my wife with an other man, but we made it through it together. How did we do it? Swinging. We thought that if we both wanted to cheat on each other we try it with our eyes open and with the full knowledge of what we we're doing. And instead if breaking us up it brought us closer together and we continued to go to swing parties for a number of years, seeing friends and having FWB relationships in and out of the party. But we agreed to get out of the lifestyle for good as she told me she was tired of it and wanted me to herself from now on, and i was good with that. We went into this together and we got out together and we never looked back.

 

Now back to the present and here i sit wondering what to do with myself. My depression has grown in the last couple years to the point that i let myself go, gaining 60 pounds. I've felt like if she doesn't want me anymore than no one ever would so why even try anymore. I love her so very much and she knows it and tells me the same thing, but she just keeps telling me to go find a F.W.B. but all i ever do is go to work and come home to my beautiful wife. Am i wrong in feeling the way i do? And how can i go and find a FWB but still honor my marriage of 21 years?

 

I'm just confused and lonely.

 

if you love her and want to stay with her, but have needs ( I assume physical, but maybe more) that she isn't meeting, then be upfront with her. Don't let her cut you short with " go find a friend with benefits" and leave it at that. Tell her how you feel. If it's just physical intimacy, tell her...if it's more than that, tell her that too.

 

Sit down with her, let her know exactly how you feel, and come up with a solution that will work for both of you. If she really can't do physical intimacy right now, then perhaps you will, with her knowledge and understanding, have to seek that elsewhere...but there's no reason she can't provide you with emotional intimacy. If she can't, then that is a pretty deep concern that would seem to go beyond her illness and physical condition.

Marriage counseling may help, and I hope you two are able to find a solution that works for both of you.