dior8765 Posted September 9, 2012 Share Posted September 9, 2012 So here is my situation. Before we met my boyfriend got a divorce. In this divorce his wife was supposed to change her last name, but never did. It really bothers me that she has his last name, but the only advise people give me is to get over it. Well, a couple of weeks ago I found out that they have a car loan for a $42,000 car. He says he didn't want to leave her without a car so he let her keep it. I told him she needs to refinance the car in her name or I won't be comfortable marrying him. He tries to get a hold of her (she is in the army and away) so getting a hold of her was a bit hard. He asked her to refinance the vehicle and she said she would when she got back. She gets back and now my boyfriend is deployed for about a month. She left a voicemail saying she isn't going to refinance the car until December. I'm so tired of being second. He definitely treated her better (bought her expensive gifts, nice car, nice dates, etc) and I end up paying for my own birthday dinner when a week before I paid for his dinner as well. I've expressed greatly my dislike for his ex wife and all of the baggage that comes with it. I don't know if I can handle being with him anymore because of it. I've waited around for 9 months for him to ask her to finally change her name. I do love him. He's been nothing, but awesome except when it comes to his ex wife. I don't know what to do. I love him, but my patience isn't there anymore. The pain and crying doesn't seem worth it anymore, but I do love this man. Advice? Link to post Share on other sites
january2011 Posted September 9, 2012 Share Posted September 9, 2012 State what you need from him. Ask him if he can do it. And when. If his answers are unsatisfactory, do not get married. Thankfully, they don't have kids together... Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden Posted September 9, 2012 Share Posted September 9, 2012 This isn't 'Baggage'. This is a financial agreement they entered into at a time when things were apparently fine between them. Did she explain why she can't refinance the car until December? Maybe you could suggest to him that he tells her that as the car is with her, she can also repay him for his contributions after the separation. What goes on inside her head, with regard to the name, is her business. Sometimes, changing surnames - particularly in the Forces - can cause complications. She may have kept her married surname for other more practical reasons other than her just deciding to not change it back to her maiden name... This isn't his 'baggage'. I've always seen 'baggage' as being from an emotional source.... But you need to think very carefully about whether you believe that while all this is going on, marriage to this guy is even an option. Link to post Share on other sites
denise_xo Posted September 9, 2012 Share Posted September 9, 2012 The last name IS her "legal last name" so you have no right to expect her to change it back to her maiden name. The big issue here is that your fiancee has been lying to you about major financial issues. It's not that it's his ex, it's that he would conceal ANY major debt from you. This. I really don't see how it's any of your business what her name is. Him hiding finances from you is a big red flag, though, and it's really not something you can blame on her. Hold HIM accountable. Link to post Share on other sites
Krytie TV Posted September 9, 2012 Share Posted September 9, 2012 OP, I have been in this exact situation. I had a car that my ex and I had financed together and was supposed to refinance it in my name. Keep in mind that on a military salary, just "running out to get a refinance" on a $42k car is not always easy... especially with new lending practices. Me having a car in both of our names NEVER was any indication of the relationship I was in after. I think you really need to get over this one, and would even go farther to question why this is really such a big deal to you. Link to post Share on other sites
DaisyLeigh1967 Posted September 9, 2012 Share Posted September 9, 2012 If I divorced, and my DH remarried and the woman was whining about how I need to change my name back to my maiden name, I would tell her to mind her own business and kiss my ass. Seriously, it is her name, legally. Why does it matter if she keeps it? Name changes can be a pain in the ass. The financial stuff, however, is a different animal. Link to post Share on other sites
Author dior8765 Posted September 9, 2012 Author Share Posted September 9, 2012 My big issue with the name change is she was supposed to do it and never did. I was in the military and changed my last name back to my maiden name. It wasn't that hard to fill out paper work. I guess I'm expecting the same thing that happened in my divorce was to completely finish whatever it was we had together to move on. My main concern is her not paying it and it falls back on him. Like I said he is in the military so it's not like he is rolling around in the dough. I'm upset about the loan because he did not tell me about it and he's been dragging ass to talk to her about it. It's like you can buy her all this nice stuff when you were together and she was constantly cheating on you (literally had a guy living at their apartment together) and she got diamonds and designer apparel. While I on the other hand I didn't even get so much as a card for my birthday nor anniversary. This has been ongoing for 9 months and I'm so tired of waiting on him to ask his ex about XYZ. Link to post Share on other sites
Author dior8765 Posted September 9, 2012 Author Share Posted September 9, 2012 Also, I'm looking for better advice than "get over it" What the hell does that even mean and how the hell do you "get over it"? Thanks Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden Posted September 9, 2012 Share Posted September 9, 2012 Here's how: If you have a problem, and you have a solution, there's no need to worry about it. If you have a problem, and you have no solution, there's no point in worrying about it. What you can fix or deal with - fix or deal with. What is beyond your control - quit focussing on it. Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden Posted September 9, 2012 Share Posted September 9, 2012 Your main - and only - problem now, is deciding whether this is the man you want to marry. Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts