One of my best friend's girlfriend is cheating on him with me

[VinNYC512]

Hi everyone I'm new here and in need of some advice. I'm 19, more than reasonably intelligent and from New York City. About 6 months ago one of my good friends got back together with his girlfriend. Even before he started bringing her around our group of friends, I knew she and I had a ton in common just from his descriptions. I noticed her as being a really down to earth, smart yet somewhat emotional person. I also noticed that she was the exact type of person I was looking for. I kept my mouth shut as any good friend would. More and more we became friendly with each other, but still I kept my mouth shut. Sometime in March after we all went to a Pink Floyd laser light show (our mutual favorite band) she made the effort to contact me and even told me that she really liked me.

 

Things took off from there. There were times when we'd look at each other and couldn't help but smile. Not long after we started talking a lot and then started saying "I love you" to each other. Before college classes ended (we are in the same college) I tried to end the whole thing out of respect for my friend, but it was no use, she'd just draw closer to me. Soon we started hanging out with only each other. Mentally we are on the same level, we share the same exact interests, expect the same things from a relationship and without a doubt have the hots for each other. There are so many things that her current BF doesn't do that I do naturally and this attracts her to me. After a minor debacle, she insisted on coming over while my parents were away. I was hesitant at first, but my feelings were too strong. I've never felt this connected to anyone in my life. More and more she started coming over while my parents were away and finally it happened. About a month ago we had sex. Then again a week later and then again 2 weeks after that. The crazy part? It wasn't even my idea.

 

Here we are now. The last time we had sex was 1 week ago. On friday she invited me to hang out with her and her BF. It felt especially awkward and I made note of this when I spoke to her later on. She hung up on me. She's a very emotional person, and I can be too. The next morning she decided that we had to stop doing what we were doing, that it was putting a strain on her and that she doesn't want to lose her BF. To put this into perspective she had told me many times that I was exactly what she was looking for, that she never felt this way about anyone before, that her current BF was starting to bore her and tons more. I was convinced that things would somehow work out. After she told me how she felt I got really depressed and a series of other events happened, some of which got her pretty angry at me. Last night we all hung out again as friends and while her BF was gone for a few mins, she told me that she still loves me. What the heck am I supposed to do?

 

Some more info: Her current BF was her highschool crush. She finally started going out with him senior year. They have been going out for 2 years on and off. They broke up twice so far. They don't get along very well and she hasn't engaged in any sexual activity with him in 2 months. Yet despite all this she tells me that he is so important to her and she doesn't want to lose him. As for him, he notices the way she flirts with me so-to-speak, but doesn't say anything. He's way too attached to her to break it all off. Sorry for such a long read, but it had to be long to give you an idea of how serious this all is. Any advice would do me a world of good. Thanks.

[tanbark813]

If she was as into you as you described, she'd be with you now instead of with him. Something is obviously keeping her from leaving her current bf. My guess is she's exaggerating her attraction to you and downplaying her desire to keep her bf in order to keep you hanging around as the backup. I say go find someone else who's single and let this girl make up her mind as to who she wants to be with. Besides, why do you want your friend's leftovers?

 

If your REALLY have to have *this* girl, though, then fill in her bf about what's been going on. If you didn't know the guy very well, I wouldn't recommend that last part, but since it's your good friend (although I don't see how he can be if you f**ked his girl), then he has a right to know. Personally, though, with everything that has already happened, I don't really see how this can turn out well for you.

[Grinning Maniac]

The phrase "with friends like these, who need enemies" comes to mind...

 

Why do you want some cheating broad in the first place? If she's doing this to your "best friend", why wouldn't she do it to you?

 

Here's hoping your "friend" doesn't beat the **** out of you, mate...

[VinNYC512]

In response to the 2 posters I'll say this. I told my friend that I have feelings for his GF, but I can't go farther than that for tons of reasons. This kid is really nice, but also pretty dumb, especially since he can't see that his GF has been devoting less and less attention to him. They don't get along well at all, that's the monkey wrench in this situation. They have their moments, yeah, but anyone who knows them a tad bit will see that they are way too different for each other. I'm not trying to justify all this either, I've come to terms with my mistakes and been through a load of heartache so far, I don't need to pretend anymore. Finally, we do get along really well because we're 2 very similar people. This is most likely what drew her over the edge and led her to make the move on me (again, I have no need to lie or pretend). She's never cheated on anyone before. My question is, is there anything I can maybe tell her that may enlighten her to the mistakes she's made. Remember they broke up twice and there are times when she doesn't even want to look at him. These are not the signs of a successful relationship.

[cake]

If you want her to be your girlfriend, then you should tell her and her boyfriend how you feel. I would tell her that she is trying to get the best of both worlds and that that isn't fair to you. Tell her to take some time and figure out what she wants and then to call you. You shouldn't have to be second to anyone...

[HokeyReligions]

Originally posted by VinNYC512

Hi everyone I'm new here and in need of some advice. I'm 19, more than reasonably intelligent and from New York City.

 

About 6 months ago one of my good friends got back together with his girlfriend. Even before he started bringing her around our group of friends, I knew she and I had a ton in common just from his descriptions. I noticed her as being a really down to earth, smart yet somewhat emotional person. I also noticed that she was the exact type of person I was looking for. I kept my mouth shut as any good friend would. More and more we became friendly with each other, but still I kept my mouth shut. Sometime in March after we all went to a Pink Floyd laser light show (our mutual favorite band) she made the effort to contact me and even told me that she really liked me.

 

Then why didn't she break up with her bf then? If she is interested in someone outside of her relationship with her bf, then she doesn't care for him enough and should break up with him.

 

Things took off from there. There were times when we'd look at each other and couldn't help but smile. Not long after we started talking a lot and then started saying "I love you" to each other.

So, were you dating before you started saing ILY? This just doesn't wash. Read some of the cheater OW/OM threads to see just how this is viewed. I could write reams, but it's all in the OW/OM threads.

Before college classes ended (we are in the same college) I tried to end the whole thing out of respect for my friend, but it was no use, she'd just draw closer to me.

 

Uh, Excuse me! Are you saying that you have no control over yourself? YOU made a CHOICE. It didn't just happen. It didn't 'end' because YOU did not choose to end it. So far, you are not showing any respect for your friend.

 

 

Soon we started hanging out with only each other. Mentally we are on the same level, we share the same exact interests, expect the same things from a relationship and without a doubt have the hots for each other.

Ok, so mentally you are both cheaters and are fine with that. If you are so compatible, then she would break up with bf#1 and go with you.

 

 

There are so many things that her current BF doesn't do that I do naturally and this attracts her to me.

Then why isn't she with you?

 

After a minor debacle, she insisted on coming over while my parents were away.

Yeah, I wonder what the minor debacle was! Was she almost caught cheating?

 

I was hesitant at first, but my feelings were too strong. I've never felt this connected to anyone in my life. More and more she started coming over while my parents were away and finally it happened. About a month ago we had sex. Then again a week later and then again 2 weeks after that. The crazy part? It wasn't even my idea.

Whoa! Great big piles of smelly old manure are being shoveled here! Wasn't your idea---yeah, right. C'mon admit it to yourself---you are every bit as responsible as she, and you CHOSE to have sex with her. She didn't grab your penis and stick in in her! You did not tell her to NOT come over when your parents were gone. You did not close the door in her face if she showed up uninvited. You say you are in college, but you are behaving like a jr. high schooler.

 

It is fine if you two are compatible and want to be together. It's great that you have so much in common and enjoy each other's company. But, she must break up with the other guy! You need to grow up too and realize that you are responsible for what you do and you can't try to shift 'blame' or responsibility onto someone else. A "reasonably intelligent" adult will learn this. You are 19, it's about time you learned. Sadly, there are people older than you who have not learned yet either.

 

Here we are now. The last time we had sex was 1 week ago. On friday she invited me to hang out with her and her BF.

 

What the he-double-toothpicks is wrong with this girl? Is she a selfish thrill-seeker? She is USING you. This is beyond selfish and disrespectful, but if I call it like I see it, my comments will be deleted from the board anyway! Besides, they would be targeting HER and not you---I don't mean to be mean to you.

 

It felt especially awkward and I made note of this when I spoke to her later on. She hung up on me. She's a very emotional person, and I can be too. The next morning she decided that we had to stop doing what we were doing, that it was putting a strain on her and that she doesn't want to lose her BF.

 

Maybe, just maybe, she is growing up and realizing what poor judgement and bad decisions she is making.

 

To put this into perspective she had told me many times that I was exactly what she was looking for, that she never felt this way about anyone before, that her current BF was starting to bore her and tons more.

People break up all the time because they get bored with each other; realize they didn't love each other as much as they thought; found others to be more compatible; etc. There is nothing wrong with this at all----especially at your age.

 

I was convinced that things would somehow work out. After she told me how she felt I got really depressed and a series of other events happened, some of which got her pretty angry at me.

I don't need to know any details---it's also normal to be optimistic and believe that things would work out. Actually---they will work out, it just might not be the way you had envisioned. I'm sorry that you were depressed---but that is also part of life and relationships.

 

Last night we all hung out again as friends and while her BF was gone for a few mins, she told me that she still loves me. What the heck am I supposed to do?

Do? She sounds like she is still pretty flakey. Tell her that you had fun, but the whole relationship was wrong because she was cheating and now you want time for yourself to grow as a person so that you can have an open and honest relationship with someone who respects you and respects themself. You had a connection because of common interests---but it sounds like the whole affair was LUST and not love (as most affairs are).

 

Some more info: Her current BF was her highschool crush. She finally started going out with him senior year. They have been going out for 2 years on and off. They broke up twice so far. They don't get along very well and she hasn't engaged in any sexual activity with him in 2 months. Yet despite all this she tells me that he is so important to her and she doesn't want to lose him.

He must be giving her something that she wants and is important to her, or else she would leave him and stay gone.

 

As for him, he notices the way she flirts with me so-to-speak, but doesn't say anything. He's way too attached to her to break it all off. Sorry for such a long read, but it had to be long to give you an idea of how serious this all is. Any advice would do me a world of good. Thanks.

 

My advice: Break up with her and find someone honest and open and with whom you can have a real relationship. She's going to break your heart---get out now.

[VinNYC512]

Hokey, I apreciate all of your advice, despite the harsh reality of some of it. I'll say this in defense of myself, everytime I bring it up to her that this whole thing is wrong and that she might need to make a decision soon, she gets too emotional to deal with. Honestly I did have a ton of respect for my friend, but I wasn't strong enough to stop this before it happened. I went through the guilt portion of this already and now it's heartache. Like I said, some things happened just this past weekend that basically caused her to say "we need to just be friends", thats why I'm so upset. After everything she told me, she's basically screwing me over now. I'll admit, I'm not exactly mr. innocent over here, but when someone tells you that they love you for who you are and says they've never felt this way about anyone, you don't ignore it. Here is where we stand:

 

1. After tension her and I are on speaking terms.

2. I told her BF that I have feelings for her and that she has them for me. He's apparently ignoring this and all the other warning signs. (Shes a flirt around me)

3. Last night, in person, she told me she loves me. I haven't spoke to her since I saw her then.

[Grinning Maniac]

Originally posted by VinNYC512

I'll say this in defense of myself, everytime I bring it up to her that this whole thing is wrong and that she might need to make a decision soon, she gets too emotional to deal with.

 

Yeah, that doesn't seem manipulative at all...

 

Originally posted by VinNYC512

Honestly I did have a ton of respect for my friend, but I wasn't strong enough to stop this before it happened.

 

And now you will most likely lose your "friend" as well as the girl. Good times though, right?

 

Originally posted by VinNYC512

After everything she told me, she's basically screwing me over now.

 

You wouldn't happen to believe in karma would you? lol

 

Originally posted by VinNYC512 I'll admit, I'm not exactly mr. innocent over here, but when someone tells you that they love you for who you are and says they've never felt this way about anyone, you don't ignore it.

 

See this is where I disagree. I think ignoring it might be a viable option WHEN SHE'S DATING ONE OF YOUR BEST FRIENDS AT THE TIME. I mean, come on...Does that type of situation ever go well that often? I'm not a gambling man, but I don't like those type of odds. Was getting to bang this girl a few times worth losing a friend over(which will probably happen)? And again, why would you want someone like that anyway? Someone who decides to bone your best friend when they get "bored" in the relationship instead of just breaking up with you, isn't exactly my idea of a great catch.

[EnigmaXOXO]

After everything she told me, she's basically screwing me over now.

 

The only one getting screwed here is your so called "friend"…from both ends.

 

It doesn't require a college education to understand that if two untrustworthy people enter into a dishonest relationship…the beginning is usually a precursor to the end. Intelligence does not trump common sense and wisdom only comes about when one has acquired the latter.

 

Honestly I did have a ton of respect for my friend,

 

Perhaps you need to look inside of yourself and re-examine what the terms "honesty," "respect" and "friendship" truly mean to you. We attract to ourselves the kind of people that we are…those who share our reflection. Karma's a real stinker that way. If you desire better treatment from the people in your life, then you must first demand the same behavior from the person within.

[VinNYC512]

Yeah I do believe in Karma. I happen to think on a slightly higher level that most, but plain and simple I ****ed up, and I'm feeling the pressure now as well as the reprocussions. I know this is gonna sound a bit cruel, but I'm going to move on taking everything that happened here as a learning experience. I feel as if I've learned my lesson with the help of you guys. While it sucks to have people be so hard on you, it really did me a lot of good today. My official stance on what to do next is as follows:

 

I'm gonna stop calling her all-together. If she calls me I'll be evasive yet friendly. We've done enough damage to their relationship, so I'm just gonna stay out of it. I do realize that they will probably break up due to the sheer guilt and wierdness, and if they don't then I'll sit back and thank god I didn't take it any further, cause she'll have become the biggest phoney in the world. I'm not gonna get involved in their affairs from now on, period.

 

It really is a shame I became so enticed by such a thing. I fell in love with the exact wrong person. I do take comfort in knowing that she thought high enough of me to really pursue whatever it is we were doing, but at the same time I look on this as a low point in my spiritual and mental development. Thanks for all feedback.

[dudesomewhere]

hey good for you

 

at first I was going to be mean...with my witty self . Was just going to cut and paste some quotes and leave it at that because they were so contradictory

 

But good thing I read your last comment. It's good you came to this point for yourself. Never too late eh? I hope it's a solid step forward with no shuffles back.

 

now of course, if you are curious what I would have initially typed than let me know and I'll do it

[VinNYC512]

Originally posted by dudesomewhere

hey good for you

 

at first I was going to be mean...with my witty self . Was just going to cut and paste some quotes and leave it at that because they were so contradictory

 

But good thing I read your last comment. It's good you came to this point for yourself. Never too late eh? I hope it's a solid step forward with no shuffles back.

 

now of course, if you are curious what I would have initially typed than let me know and I'll do it

 

Hehe, no thanks I'm fine. I've received enough reeming from complete and total strangers for one lifetime. Damn that stone of Karma. I feel it as if it was tied to my heart. I guess the right thing to do from here is hold my head up high, pursue my interests and maybe even write a song about it (I play guitar pretty efficiently. Who says no good can come out of a negative experience?

[Debster]

I've received enough reeming from complete and total strangers for one lifetime.

oh trust me, if you keep acting the way you do, you'll get a ton more crap from complete and total strangers as well as from your friends. While I admit, it is good that you finally came to your senses and decided to end things, it is not good enough. You need to start looking at what would make you do such a horrible thing to a best friend.

 

I fell in love with the exact wrong person. I do take comfort in knowing that she thought high enough of me to really pursue whatever it is we were doing, but at the same time I look on this as a low point in my spiritual and mental development.

 

BULL you fell in love with the wrong person. You boinked the wrong person. And stop trying to turn this into 'love' or that she thought high enough of you. Stop kidding yourself. All this showed, IMO, is that the two of you lacked enough respect for your friend/boyfriend and acted incredibly selfishly.

 

If you truly want to learn from this experience, learn this: You don't screw around with your friend's (especially your best friend's) girl. You just don't. I don't care if you get blisters on your fingers from whacking off dreaming about her - stay away from your friend's girl.

[YellowLioness]

One of my best friend's girlfriend is cheating on him with me...

 

I think this quote says it for itself... Friends? Best friends? lol. You are not!

 

Anyway... I'm glad you "came around." Next step is to tell him that you boinked his girl. If you were his best friend, you'd be honest. It's not right to let him continue dating someone who will probably cheat on him again, is it? If you are truly his best friend, you would look out for his best interest.

 

 

Yellow

[faux]

When your friend finds out about this (I assume you will be kind enough to tell him, as she certainly does not seem to be doing anything about it), you will lose your friendship with him unless you are one lucky fellow. I do not understand how you could disrespect your friend in such a way.

 

I understand that you were having sex with this girl, who had been having sex with your friend. I hope that the both of you were tested, and that your friend was tested, and that nobody has anything. I would hope that everyone is being safer by using birth control methods, and by using them properly.

 

I think this girl is trouble. She remains with this friend of yours, yet cheats on him with you. I cannot understand why you would choose to remain in this situation with this type of girl, or why you would hope to be with her. Just look at how she is treating your friend. Even if she does finally leave him for you, that isn't a good sign either.

 

You mention she has never cheated on anyone before. So she says... Look at how easily she is doing it now. Do you honestly believe her when she says this to you, that she has never before cheated? If this guy is your friend, why call him "dumb"? You notice that there is no good relationship, or any relationship at all, between this guy and this girl. However, you fail to realize that there is absolutely nothing good about the relationship between you and this girl. I just see waving red banners that say "RUN AWAY" in black boldface type.

 

This girl is trouble, and I recommend you stay far, far away from her. I would also hope that you tell this friend of yours what has been going on. Spare yourself, and him, from further misery. If this girl wanted to be with you, then she would be with you.

 

While it is good you have come around and realized this is a bad situation, you are forgetting something....

 

Such as: Telling your friend what you did with his girlfriend, and what has been happening. You have already involved yourself in their affairs. This must be corrected.

[HoldOn]

VinNYC512,

 

Glad you realized that you were making a mistake. I just want to help you get over this girl, by pointing out that she is TOTALLY NUTS!

 

1.) "She hung up on me."

2.) "She's a very emotional person," (That's an understatement.)

3.) She is cheating on her bf, because he is "boring."

4.) "After she told me how she felt I got really depressed and a series of other events happened, some of which got her pretty angry at me. "

 

 

" I also noticed that she was the exact type of person I was looking for. " Really????!! You are looking for a girl who is involved with your best friend? You're looking for a manipulative girl who "gets really emotional" or hangs up when she doesn't get her way.

 

I think you should start looking for a girl who is emotionally stable above all.

 

(They say that girls fall for jerks, but why do guys fall for nutcases?")