katie79 Posted July 22, 2004 Share Posted July 22, 2004 Having a bit of a problem. My boyfriend of almost 4 years of whom I will getting engaged to soon works 2 jobs here and there throughout the year. I see him Fridays and late Sat. nights due to his change of schedule. Since I don't see him unitl late Sat. night, I go out with my single best friend. However, she gives me a real problem when I want to see him later in the night. He's quitting his second job soon, and we'll be back to seeing each other all Sat night like we normally do. I know once I break the cycle of seeing her every Sat night, she's going to blow my head off about how I never spend time with her. This has happened in the past where some nights, he has off from work and she ask "why does you stupid boyfriend always have to interfere with our plans". Mind you I see her during the week and Sundays. I understand she is my friend, single, and lonely. All her other friends are married and she complains about them in the same way too. I don't want to loose her, but how do I tell her, he's my long-term boyfriend and future finacee and we need to spend some time together without her loosing her cool? I am a "fair and square" person. I would go out with her Thursday nights and Sundays, even have a girl's night out once a month, but she's the type that wont accept that. We even got invited to a party and my boyfriend was invited. She got upset over that because she said she wanted to go together with me. She said, "why do you have to go with him? I thought we were going together why does **** have to come?" Excuse me for saying this, but I think if my bf went with one of his friends to a party and asked me to meet him there, I would be kind of hurt. I know the poor girl has trouble meeting guys due to lack of opportunities, and I feel bad, but my bf would be hurt if I dropped him weekends and I miss him too. Please help! Link to post Share on other sites
dyermaker Posted July 22, 2004 Share Posted July 22, 2004 Your friend has no right to treat you like that. Explain that this man is an important part of your life, and out of respect for you, your friend needs to recognize and accept that. Link to post Share on other sites
LatsyrcSC Posted July 22, 2004 Share Posted July 22, 2004 Your friend is being selfish. She has to realize you're only one person, and she has to share you with others. I think you're doing the right thing. Sounds like she has some maturity issues. Link to post Share on other sites
swtbonita Posted July 22, 2004 Share Posted July 22, 2004 this kind of happened to me.. When i started dating my current bf, my best friend kept trying to break the two of us up.. She kept saying that I was seeing him too much.. but i only see him on weekends.. and the thing is that me and my best friend would never go out on the weekends .. we would usually go out during the week.. and I told her we could still do everything we used to because we never used to do anything on the weekends.. (saturday and sunday).. but she continued to get angry with me.. All of my friends saw how she was acting.. she was just being jealous because i had someone else in my life.. right now she's not my best friend anymore.. all of my other friends say that she needs to grow up and stop depending on me.. RIght now I am very happy because i dont' have to listen to her arguing with me to break up with my bf and trying to control my life.. As I see it friends are suppose to be there for you.. Why have a best friend who is going to complain.. If i had listened to her, I wouldn't be with my bf right now.. And also now that she has a bf, she ditches all of our friends now that I still go out with.. Some people don't want others to be happy, unless they are happy.. Link to post Share on other sites
kathylovesflowers Posted July 22, 2004 Share Posted July 22, 2004 she's not your friend! Link to post Share on other sites
Mr Spock Posted July 22, 2004 Share Posted July 22, 2004 Because when single people hook up with someone they love they tend to drop their single friends. Different agendas, that's all-I'm sure she's afraid that will happen with you too-be flattered, she really obviously values your company. If you're going to spend time with her, spend time with her. That means you do things together and then don't leave her after a few hours to hang out with your BF. Doesn't mean you have to go to the bar, but she's simply afraid of losing you too. Link to post Share on other sites
Author katie79 Posted July 22, 2004 Author Share Posted July 22, 2004 When I go out with her, it's usually for a long time. Last week I went to the beach with her from 10:00 Am and we spent all day there. Later on that night, I went to a party with her. That's a long time. I spend more time with her than I do with my bf. But you are right, it's nice she cares about me and stuff. I still want to spend time with her. I think other friendships are important. But Friday and Sat are the only days we can see each other for the most part since he goes to night school after work on weekdays. She doesn't. For the others, thanks for your advice. Link to post Share on other sites
Bobbie Posted July 22, 2004 Share Posted July 22, 2004 look at it a different way: how would you feel if you went out every Saturday night with a friend and she copped off and you didn't...watching her walk away with her man and you're alone, that's sort-of a sad feeling don't you think : jealousy, loneliness, why-is-it-never-me... Maybe you can encourage her to build her own self-esteem and her own life and interests, tactfully of course. Link to post Share on other sites
Author katie79 Posted July 23, 2004 Author Share Posted July 23, 2004 I was invited to a big party. My boyfriend was invited too. We just had an arguement on the phone about it. She was yelling at me for bringing him when he was invited to come! She was upset because we weren't "going together". She was upset that I wouldn't arrive with her in the same car and complaining how she has no one to go with. It's a party for God's sake, not a girl's night out! He's only coming by for an hour to say hello to everyone and then blowing off to his second job. I see my bf maybe at most twice a week (if even that). He works 2 jobs and goes to school. I spend more time with her at this point than I do with him! Yet she complains! She is even complaining that I talk to him on the phone. She think because he calls me once a night ( and I talk to her every night almost of the week and stay on the phone with her for 2 hours)That I am "dependant" on him! I work and spend time with friends, family, after-work functions, etc. I value all relationships in my life and I am fair with the amount of time I spend with each one of these people, including myslef, which I told her so. She kept saying "I can't do anything without him". She made it sound like I sit at home day and night waiting for him to call and take me out! She was screaming at me for 3 hours tonight just because my bf will drop by for about an hour to a party he was invited to and she thinks that's going to dirupt our friendship! Can you believe this? I don't know what she honestly means by "no one to go to the party with". This is a freakin' backyard BBQ b-day party! NOt a wedding! There will be men and women there. Some women there are going with their husbands! We are getting engaged soon too! What should I do , tell my future financee to not go to the party he was invited to because my friend wants to go with me! I would be hurt if I was invited to a party and he told me to not go so he can go off with his drinking buddies on a Harley to the party! She complains I put her on a back burner and never see her. Last week, I went with her to the beach from 10:00AM 'till 3:00PM after that we went straight to a party till midnight! Not to mention I saw her the night before! This is getting really annoying. What can I do to get her to accept that I have other relationships with people in my life and other obligations other than just her? I care about her, but she has to grow up! Link to post Share on other sites
Bobbie Posted July 23, 2004 Share Posted July 23, 2004 Wow, sorry you're having a rough night. Sounds like you're going to have to sit down and have a chat. I don't know your relationship but something along the lines of 'you're putting me in the position of having to choose between my partner and you and I'm not happy with that or the continual stress of arguing. What can we do to resolve this?' sort of thing? Tell her you're not prepared to discuss the subject of your boyfriend and your dating arrangements and you'll put the phone down if she shouts at you. And do it. You've nothing to lose by being open and assertive, I'd guess your friendship will be over soon anyway if she carries on like this...it won't be long before you stop taking her calls. She sounds very clingy and insecure- which is a big turn-off for most people. Also whining. Tell her its common to meet someone when you're passionately involved in something you really enjoy, when your best self shines through and someone is attracted. Link to post Share on other sites
swtbonita Posted July 23, 2004 Share Posted July 23, 2004 my best friend used to act that way also.. like i explained above.. and she was very dependent upon me.. she would do something if i would do it.. she looked up to me and everything.. All of my friends knew how she was.. All of my friends told me not to listen to her because she was jealous and she just wanted to see me unhappy.. She had told me multiple times that I shouldn't go out with him.. I had to make a choice.. i chose to back off because i knew that if i was with my current bf or another guy it would be the same way.. I still talk to my friend but she isn't my best friend and i do not talk to her about my bf.. The one thing that really made me angry is that she yelled at me for having a bf in the first place, and she had no right.. She still had as much of my attention as before, since i never went out with her on saturdays or sunday.. but once i got a bf and i would see him on a saturday or sunday she would yell at me and say why don't we go out on saturday.. I asked her why all of a sudden you want to go out on saturday.. she gave excuses that my bf was a bad guy.. and stuff like that.. but he didn't even meet him because she never wanted to go out with me if my bf was there.. She made it difficult to be her friend.. True Friends are not suppose to YELL at you for being happy.. They are suppose to be supportive and happy that you found someone.. The funny thing is that I still have all of my friends and I am much closer to them now, because instead of focusing my time on just her I have alot of room for alot more friends.. me and her have the same friends but She doesn't go out with them at all anymore because she has a bf now.. She was jealous, inconsiderate, too dependent, negative, stressful and she was not a good friend.. I don't regret my decision to stop being close friends with her.. she was trying to control my life and she needed to grow up and learn how to deal with things on her own.. I let her realize that she has to be her own person and not depend on others.. You won't be able to do anything to make your friend happy or to make her stop complaining.. I tried for so long.. but I couldn't take it anymore.. Link to post Share on other sites
Author katie79 Posted July 23, 2004 Author Share Posted July 23, 2004 You sound like you had the exact same problem I do! She gave me a real headache last night over the dumbest thing! I just need space from her for a while. She a real clingy type. Men she dates find her to be overwhelming and scary. I felt like running from her last night. Link to post Share on other sites
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