at what price?

[mercy]

there are so many stories like the ones posted here...people have suffered through no choice of their own, so that other could 'learn so much"

 

my biggest question is ...

 

is that knowledge worth having hurt someone else so much?

 

(please note...I am not saying that wayward spouses or affair partners set out to intentionally hurt the betrayed spouse...maybe a few do, but most don't. It's more like the betrayed spouse is an afterthought)

 

h says she is his greatest mistake in his life. He carries that burden. His lesson? Evil begets evil. And no it wasn't worth it.

[beenburned]

FS,

 

I'm sure that the people that feel this way would feel entirely different if they had been the BW!

[angie2443]

there are so many stories like the ones posted here...people have suffered through no choice of their own, so that other could 'learn so much"

 

my biggest question is ...

 

is that knowledge worth having hurt someone else so much?

 

(please note...I am not saying that wayward spouses or affair partners set out to intentionally hurt the betrayed spouse...maybe a few do, but most don't. It's more like the betrayed spouse is an afterthought)

 

Some people aren't that concerned about how their actions effect others. They want what they want and are willing to harm others to get it, as long as they can get away with it. They come up with the "it's human nature", "I couldn't help it", or "it's not that bad. It's not liked anyone", excuse because they are protecting their image. Nothing else. Few, I believe, are going to tell you "yes, it's worth hurting someone", but it is to them, or they wouldn't have done it in the first place.

[Betrayed&Stayed]

As a betrayed spouse, what price did you pay?

 

I paid with the loss of my "innocence" about my marriage, my husband , and even the motive of others. I will never see the world with the same eyes I saw before, I will never blindly trust anyone again.

 

This is not to say that the world is not a beautiful place, nor is it to say that our marriage is "bad" ( it is, in many ways,much better, as it has withstood one of the greatest challenges a marriage can face), but it is not the same.

 

I have thought about the high cost of the lessons that I've learned in the aftermath of my wife's A.

 

Learned:

>I've learned a lot about myself, i.e. tendencies, behavioral patterns, etc

>I took the time to analyze my family of origin, especially my parents' marriage

>I've learned that my view of marriage was naive (my marriage and marriage in general)

>I've learned that my marriage wasn't what I thought it was

>I've learned that my wife was not the person that I thought she was

>My experiences have greatly deepen my faith in God

>Learned a great deal about how wife and I communicate.

>I've learned how hard it is to forgive

>I've learned that my worldview was extremely naive

>I learned that my altruistic view of humanity was very skewed

 

Price:

These items are 180 from my personality pre-Dday

>I'm much more cynical in general

>I'm much quicker to get angry and show it

>I don't trust anyone

>I have to make an effort to keep mild depression at bay

>I have very little respect for marriage in general

>I keep my guard up around people

>Sexual intimacy with wife is limited

>Many things that I used to enjoy are now outright triggers or tainted by the affair

 

I'm grateful for the wisdom that I've gained. I just wish it didn't come at such a high price.

[Benedictatu]

I lost everything. My marriage, my kids, my home, my friends, my comfort, my peace of mind, my hobbies. I can't trusts anyone anymore, not friends and certainly not men. Everyone lied to me or kept things from me and even my job is not really a safe space because everyone there knows them and likes them and unless I move I can't escape what they have done to me. And why should I move this was my life. Why did they have to take it from me?

 

I did not ask for this. I was happily married. I lived in a beautiful house and my children were happy. Then suddenly I'm the outcast, and they're living the golden life and I'm just tossed aside. It's wicked and it's not fair.

[Tallblueyed]

I did not ask for this.

I have repeated this so many times that I feel like a lunatic.

[beenburned]

I, like pinball, will not let the actions of my FWS, affect my relationships with other people in my life.

 

I am a good caring person who loves life, and have always had an optimistic view of everything. But I was very naive in my perspective of people/marriage/the world in general.

 

I will take this knowledge and use it wisely in making future decisions.

 

But I will not let anyone destroy the happiness and pride I feel in being a good person.

[drifter777]

Another good post Drift..................

 

However it is very unfortunate to read posts from others indicating a lack of trust towards everyone else, feelings and so forth.

Ever since my ordeal, i will never trust my wife again.

That does NOT mean I will never trust anyone else however.

 

I trust my parents,

I trust my friends,

I trust my brothers,

I trust mt sister,

I trust my Son,

I trust my mother in law - she still works for me,

I trust myself..........

 

You once told me that trying to "work" on your marriage was not worth it!

You have to fight the battles that are worth fighting for..............

 

There is NO HONOR in misery and depraving yourself of happiness especially when there is something waiting for you to discover.

 

If YOU are unhappy, then it is YOU who must change that........

 

 

Just for the record, I personally do not hate my wife. Resentment, Ya, Distrust, yes again, but hate....Never....

She is a great mom and was a good wife. We both had our issues and we will both conquer those issues in time, on separate plains.

 

We will always know each other and be bonded by our amazing Boy, I hope she will not dislike me later on but personally, I do NOT CARE what she will ever think of me. It takes a lot of effort to hate and be bitter.

Soon she will be "someone that I USED to know" and that is fine with me. We will both find new love and happiness and look back and thank each other for what we created.

 

That is what I believe........and what makes sense.........PERIOD!

 

 

 

 

 

"I am the one, who controls the Sun, and I know that things will pass, as time elapse........elapses.......time elapses through the sounds of you, and the things we could do" ---- Ween, The Stallion part 3

 

 

 

Drifter, YOU are the Stallion

 

I don't completely understand the "stallion" thing. I understand that I am in control of my life and it is up to me to find peace and happiness. These things are not going to fall from the sky. But I've never agreed with the philosophy that "time heals all wounds" or that "this too will pass". Time dulls the memories but does not heal a thing. It is contradictory to the idea that we control our own destiny.

 

I respect your opinions and understand where you are coming from. Since you ended up divorced, I think you and I have different perspectives right now. Yes, I told you I do not think all the work and pain of my reconciliation with my wife has been worth it. If I would have known how hard it was going to be I would never have tried. But now that I have put in all the work and am continuing to progress, I feel like whatever struggles are ahead are worth the effort. She has earned much of my trust back and I am willing to believe that she will continue to work with me. I hope that makes sense to you.

[AnotherRound]

having read many, many , many posts on here by all sides of an affair, I have to say that one thing I find somewhat depressing is the fact that some feel that an affair has taught them a lot about life, about themselves, about relationships, etc. . While I think it's great, and I'm all for introspection and self growth, it seems to me that it isfundamentally unfair that the ones who often pay the price for this knowledge are the one's who were never asked nor consulted about the affair in the first place...the betrayed spouses and the families, etc. who often go through the whole thing right along with them.

 

This is not to say the infliction of this pain was intentional or done with malice, but it does seem sad that this happens. It's even sadder still when i read stories of where the betrayed spouse/family wasn't even a blip on the radar for the other man/woman...if there was at least a little pang of compassion, pity, etc. ( even in retrospect), it would seem less sad to me somehow.

 

As a betrayed spouse, what price did you pay?

 

I paid with the loss of my "innocence" about my marriage, my husband , and even the motive of others. I will never see the world with the same eyes I saw before, I will never blindly trust anyone again.

 

This is not to say that the world is not a beautiful place, nor is it to say that our marriage is "bad" ( it is, in many ways,much better, as it has withstood one of the greatest challenges a marriage can face), but it is not the same.

 

Neither am I. the stress from the affair and it's aftermath hurt me ( ground my teeth so much in my sleep I've permanently damaged them:laugh:, the stress had some other physical effects as well that I won't go into here)

 

it was also hard on my kids and i have no idea what the long term effects on them will be...it was hard on my parents who supported me through it...it was hard on his sister who thought he was acting like an idiot:laugh:

 

in short , many people suffered, seems like most betrayed spouses/families do, and all I can say is that i sincerely hope whatever "knowledge" etc. that is gained for the other man/woman because of this was worth it...

 

I hope I'm not stepping on your toes by responding as my most recent label was "OW", but I was a BW prior to that. I honestly think it depends on how you view the world around you. As a person who has been at the mercy of many other people in my life who were uncaring towards my pain, I learned very early on that when I don't have control, I just don't have control. I can't take control of others, all I can do is react to the way that they treat me. So, if they treat me badly, I have two options. I can see it as unfixable, that I'll never get over it, that it is horrible and unsurmountable... OR.. I can see it as, well, I didn't have control, they did this, and now the ball is in my court.

 

At that point, I choose to not focus on the fact that someone treated me badly, bc I cannot control that in advance. I can, however, react to it in any manner I choose. I choose to react by learning what I can from the situation and moving on. There's no sense, imo, sitting there kicking the dead horse bc it threw me off and hurt me... I was hurt, the horse is dead, now what? What did I learn?

 

In a perfect world, nobody would ever make a decision that hurts someone else. However, in the real world, this is absolutely inevitable. You will, at some point or another, hurt someone. Whether or not intentionally is really moot, as the hurt is the same. And sometimes, your needs are counter to someone else's needs... what to do then? Sometimes, we have to make choices. And everyone can't be pleased by those choices 100% of the time, it's absolutely impossible.

 

I also think that people take marriage way too seriously. It was begun for a very specific reason, social reasons, not for love and togetherness. The reasons it was begun in practice is now unnecessary, yet some cling to it like it is the end all of the world. Imo, it is given far more weight than it deserves in that we don't need to populate our world any longer (overpopulation anyone?), and we don't need to make connections with other villages and tribes in that manner for peace. We do it now for love, which is not how it was set up, and honestly, it isn't very effective in that department.

 

I was not victimized by my exH and his OW. They made choices without me that affected me, absolutely. And I could look at that choice and think, damn them for ruining my life! But they didn't ruin my life, bc I didn't let them. They made a choice, it affected me, I reacted... and now, I'm grateful that they did what they did, bc it made me really look at my marriage and the fact that it was not working, and it forced me to handle that, head on. If the BSs that say they just wanted to be told prior really evaluate it, they may see that they were never really open to that in reality. How would they have reacted? Angrily? Would they have then become possessive and attempted to manipulate the situation out of fear of change? Would they have honestly evaluated the marriage and attempted to fix what was broken? Or, would they have clung to "but marriage is forever!" and expected the other person to stay out of "honor"?

 

I get what you are saying, I do. I just think it's a matter of looking at the world a little differently. It isn't fair. It isn't going to treat you with kid gloves. It isn't set up so that you are always in control, especially once you embark on a relationship where you give another person the power and ability to completely change your life without your consent. That's the chance everyone takes in any relationship. And honestly, I believe that if people would view marriage realistically instead of having the fairy tale ideas about it, that we would have less of this issue. If you went into the marriage knowing exactly what it is, a social contract, and treated it as such, I think people would be better off. It is an agreement that as long as we are mutually benefiting from it, we will maintain the contract, and that if either of us is unable to fulfill our contractual obligations to the other, then we will terminate the contract. But people don't do that. They get married, sigh a sigh of relief that they are attached and don't have to "do anything" anymore, and then let the contract collect dust as they forget that they are contractually obligated to the other person too. It's not a one way street, or a one way contract. If one person breaks that contract, then you have to react to that. Contracts are broken every day, this just feels different bc people are trying to contract love, which obviously, isn't effective bc love is unpredictable and different for everyone.

 

Of course, that's just my 2 cents from being on either side at one point or another. Interesting thread...

[frozensprouts]

 

 

 

In a perfect world, nobody would ever make a decision that hurts someone else. However, in the real world, this is absolutely inevitable. You will, at some point or another, hurt someone. Whether or not intentionally is really moot, as the hurt is the same. And sometimes, your needs are counter to someone else's needs... what to do then? Sometimes, we have to make choices. And everyone can't be pleased by those choices 100% of the time, it's absolutely impossible.

 

I also think that people take marriage way too seriously. It was begun for a very specific reason, social reasons, not for love and togetherness. The reasons it was begun in practice is now unnecessary, yet some cling to it like it is the end all of the world. Imo, it is given far more weight than it deserves in that we don't need to populate our world any longer (overpopulation anyone?), and we don't need to make connections with other villages and tribes in that manner for peace. We do it now for love, which is not how it was set up, and honestly, it isn't very effective in that department.

 

I was not victimized by my exH and his OW. They made choices without me that affected me, absolutely. And I could look at that choice and think, damn them for ruining my life! But they didn't ruin my life, bc I didn't let them. They made a choice, it affected me, I reacted... and now, I'm grateful that they did what they did, bc it made me really look at my marriage and the fact that it was not working, and it forced me to handle that, head on. If the BSs that say they just wanted to be told prior really evaluate it, they may see that they were never really open to that in reality. How would they have reacted? Angrily? Would they have then become possessive and attempted to manipulate the situation out of fear of change? Would they have honestly evaluated the marriage and attempted to fix what was broken? Or, would they have clung to "but marriage is forever!" and expected the other person to stay out of "honor"?

 

I get what you are saying, I do. I just think it's a matter of looking at the world a little differently. It isn't fair. It isn't going to treat you with kid gloves. It isn't set up so that you are always in control, especially once you embark on a relationship where you give another person the power and ability to completely change your life without your consent. That's the chance everyone takes in any relationship. And honestly, I believe that if people would view marriage realistically instead of having the fairy tale ideas about it, that we would have less of this issue. If you went into the marriage knowing exactly what it is, a social contract, and treated it as such, I think people would be better off. It is an agreement that as long as we are mutually benefiting from it, we will maintain the contract, and that if either of us is unable to fulfill our contractual obligations to the other, then we will terminate the contract. But people don't do that. They get married, sigh a sigh of relief that they are attached and don't have to "do anything" anymore, and then let the contract collect dust as they forget that they are contractually obligated to the other person too. It's not a one way street, or a one way contract. If one person breaks that contract, then you have to react to that. Contracts are broken every day, this just feels different bc people are trying to contract love, which obviously, isn't effective bc love is unpredictable and different for everyone.

 

Of course, that's just my 2 cents from being on either side at one point or another. Interesting thread...

 

 

thank you for taking the time to respond...any input is always welcomed...

 

I do have to say that I don't agree with your views...especially on marriage, but you have every right to your feelings on the subject. you may well feel that marriage is an antiquated institution, but there are some of us who do not share that view...and even if one does not respect the institution of marriage, is it asking to much to ask that they respect the marriages of those who do? why is asking for this respect seen as such a terrible thing? i respect the choices of others ( as long as those choices aren't hurting others) why is it asking too much to have my choices respected as well?

 

you response is also predicated on the idea that many have that if a spouse cheats, it's because the marriage us bad, the spouses have gotten lazy about the relationship, etc. Sometimes, that's very true...but many times, it's not. Many times there are factors and stressors not related to the marriage that can cause a rift...sometimes a spouse has poor personal boundaries, etc.

 

As for the notion that marriage is a contract that should be able to be terminated when it no longer meets the needs of those involved, i agree...that's what divorce is for. if one doesn't believe in marriage then don't get married...

 

as for the rest, yes the world can be a cruel, heartbreaking place , but it can just as easily be a very beautiful one. one. in life, one has the choice to either add to the heartache and pain or add to the beauty and happiness of the world beyond themselves...

[AnotherRound]

thank you for taking the time to respond...any input is always welcomed...

 

I do have to say that I don't agree with your views...especially on marriage, but you have every right to your feelings on the subject. you may well feel that marriage is an antiquated institution, but there are some of us who do not share that view...and even if one does not respect the institution of marriage, is it asking to much to ask that they respect the marriages of those who do? why is asking for this respect seen as such a terrible thing? i respect the choices of others ( as long as those choices aren't hurting others) why is it asking too much to have my choices respected as well?

 

It's not asking for too much. I wish that my marriage had been respected too, but again, I cannot control anyone else or what they do. My exH took it upon himself to break the contract that he and I had agreed to, and I had to respond. I could stay or I could go. I chose go. It WAS unfair. But if your spouse doesn't respect your choices, is that someone you want to be in a contract with at all?

 

you response is also predicated on the idea that many have that if a spouse cheats, it's because the marriage us bad, the spouses have gotten lazy about the relationship, etc. Sometimes, that's very true...but many times, it's not. Many times there are factors and stressors not related to the marriage that can cause a rift...sometimes a spouse has poor personal boundaries, etc.

 

I agree with this. I didn't mean to insinuate that all marriages that are affected by As are "bad", I'm sorry for that. However, I do believe that if one partner goes outside of the marriage, then the marriage is NOT working. Even if the other partner is completely happy and content, the marriage was obviously not working for the WS for whatever reason. Not always the BSs fault, of course. In my case, my exH had valid reason to be unhappy in the marriage. I was not the girl that he needed to be with. My personality isn't "bad", it just doesn't mesh with his and it isn't the type of personality he wants in a wife (and vice versa).

 

As for the notion that marriage is a contract that should be able to be terminated when it no longer meets the needs of those involved, i agree...that's what divorce is for. if one doesn't believe in marriage then don't get married...

 

This would be great IF people would stop judging people that get divorced. In many people's eyes, the only way to keep their place in this society is to stay married at all costs. Even if that means having an A. Until society accepts divorce as a reasonable solution to a marriage that isn't working, people in unhappy marriages (or even just mismatched marriages that just aren't working) will stay in them. They are convinced that children need to live with both parents (untrue), they are convinced that it is a life long commitment (even if it isn't working), they are convinced that getting divorced is a failure (instead of what it really is, in that it is simply dissolving a contract that no longer works for both parties involved).

 

I too wish that people would utilize divorce MUCH more. I think if they did, As and all this other stuff would not happen on nearly the scale it does now. When society stops expecting people to grin and bear (bare?) it through an unhappy marriage, then people will get divorced instead of looking outside the marriage.

as for the rest, yes the world can be a cruel, heartbreaking place , but it can just as easily be a very beautiful one. one. in life, one has the choice to either add to the heartache and pain or add to the beauty and happiness of the world beyond themselves...

 

I agree. I think the world is a combination of ugly and beautiful, that's why I choose to try to see the good in EVERY situation. If I looked at the world in a negative manner and always focused on the bad (including the bad done to me by others), I would be miserable. It's only "heartache" if you look at it that way. It could be a learning experience. It could be a way for you to do the things you've always longed to do. It could be the freedom that you have needed to grow as a person. It could be so many things that are positive, but only if you let it.

 

Thanks for the response, and thanks for hearing me out on this. I know it's a terribly sensitive subject, and one that can hurt others tremendously. I appreciate your thoughtful responses.

[frozensprouts]

I agree. I think the world is a combination of ugly and beautiful, that's why I choose to try to see the good in EVERY situation. If I looked at the world in a negative manner and always focused on the bad (including the bad done to me by others), I would be miserable. It's only "heartache" if you look at it that way. It could be a learning experience. It could be a way for you to do the things you've always longed to do. It could be the freedom that you have needed to grow as a person. It could be so many things that are positive, but only if you let it.

 

Thanks for the response, and thanks for hearing me out on this. I know it's a terribly sensitive subject, and one that can hurt others tremendously. I appreciate your thoughtful responses.

 

Perhaps things are different where you live, but divorce is seen as an acceptable ( if sad) option here...one that is accessed by many.

 

I thought more about what you wrote, and if you don't mind answering a question...( feel free not to if it's too personal)

before your husband had an affair, would you have seen being involved with a married man as an acceptable relationship choice? ( not saying you see it as a relationship of choice now, but it must have, n some level been acceptable to you or you wouldn't have done it)..if not, what changed? If your husband's affair caused you to view marriage differently, then , sad to say, it did change you in a negative way. It changed you into someone who would see entering a relationship that , by it's very nature, would cause pain to someone else...

[2.50 a gallon]

I learned that I am a terrible husband. That I am controlling

 

Secrets: That other than my birthday or christmas presents, all other secrets end at the bathroom door.

 

Friends: You and I will not have any friends who are not both of our friends, especially those of the opposite sex.

 

Trust: It took me almost two decades to be able to trust in love again

 

Love: Love is only a feeling, it is not a commitment. We love for today, and today only, there are no expectations of loving forever

[AnotherRound]

Perhaps things are different where you live, but divorce is seen as an acceptable ( if sad) option here...one that is accessed by many.

 

I live in the Bible Belt, so no, it isn't really "acceptable" here. People still believe that it should be til death do us part, despite the damage it is doing to the partners and/or the children involved.

 

I thought more about what you wrote, and if you don't mind answering a question...( feel free not to if it's too personal)

before your husband had an affair, would you have seen being involved with a married man as an acceptable relationship choice? ( not saying you see it as a relationship of choice now, but it must have, n some level been acceptable to you or you wouldn't have done it)..if not, what changed?

 

No, prior to my exH cheating on me and the divorce, I would have not ever entered knowingly into a relationship with a MM. But, I wouldn't have after either. My exMM was not honest with me initially about being married, he lied and said he was not when I asked him. When I found out, and confronted him with it (about 3 weeks to a month into the relationship), I had a choice to make. I took several weeks to make that choice, and I went back and forth with it a lot in that time. I think all in all, it took me about a month to decide that I would stay in the relationship, even though I was uncomfortable with it and didn't like that it was an A. I struggled with this throughout the entire 7 years of the relationship, and often broke it off with exMM so that I could date SGs. I was never comfortable or happy being the OW, never.

 

If your husband's affair caused you to view marriage differently, then , sad to say, it did change you in a negative way. It changed you into someone who would see entering a relationship that , by it's very nature, would cause pain to someone else...

 

It didn't change me in a "negative" way. It did allow me to see that fairy tale marriages just do NOT exist. I was young, 19, when I started dating my exH. We were kids, and married at 23, divorced by 26. We changed a lot, and our ideas of what marriage was were not realistic. After the marriage and the divorce, my knowledge of relationships was MUCH more realistic. I am glad for that, bc had I held on to that view that marriages always had to be life long or you were a failure, then I would still be grieving that divorce. I don't grieve that divorce at all. It was the best thing for both my exH and myself... we have gone on to become who we truly are. We are happier now than we could have ever been together... I can say that without an ounce of doubt, knowing what I know now.

 

So, what you see as negative, I do not. And I don't think that being a BS before made me choose to be in a relationship with a MM. There was a lot of thought put into entering that relationship, and the fact that I was a BS formerly was only a very small part of that. More than anything else, it was about the fact that I had met someone that I really clicked with, on all levels. That doesn't happen very often, and I wasn't willing to pass it up, despite the fact that he was married.

[ComingInHot]

I feel like an interloper on this thread as I have JUST started posting about my WH's affair, but to give my 2 cents;

I learned what true forgiveness is for myself, my WH & the OW. I learned it takes time. Repetitiveness, Dedication, agonizing pain but ultimately, strength.

I wish sometimes I didn't learn this but sometimes our short little time here feels like an eternity. I would have to say I am better understanding what it all takes to apply this to other future situations?

How was that?*

[frozensprouts]

I feel like an interloper on this thread as I have JUST started posting about my WH's affair, but to give my 2 cents;

I learned what true forgiveness is for myself, my WH & the OW. I learned it takes time. Repetitiveness, Dedication, agonizing pain but ultimately, strength.

I wish sometimes I didn't learn this but sometimes our short little time here feels like an eternity. I would have to say I am better understanding what it all takes to apply this to other future situations?

How was that?*

 

glad you decided to jump in on here, and welcome to the thread:) ... the more people participating, the better

 

glad you were able to come away from the situation with some positives

[ComingInHot]

I think I am naturally a "glass half full" personality. Or it could be that for my very survival and sanity, I MUST find something (however small) good in every situation.

The barrage of attacks I took from OW could have crushed me. They did and sometimes still do hurt but mostly remind me how much she must have been hurting and what crap my WH must have fed her to have her SO angry at me when I didn't even know what was going on.

Everyone haa a right to their feelings, it is what they do with those feelings that separate us. Don't get me wrong. I am no saint but thankfully I am not the eternal judge and jury. Takes the pressure off! Few*

[Michael Johnson]

Seeing my son hurt by his mother's neglectful behavior during divorce was the price paid for gaining the ability to smell a cheater from a mile away.

[beenburned]

wo,

 

We have been happily reconciled for many many years now!

 

Yes, H did completely change his script and his life!

[worldgonewrong]

Some people aren't that concerned about how their actions effect others. They want what they want and are willing to harm others to get it, as long as they can get away with it. They come up with the "it's human nature", "I couldn't help it", or "it's not that bad. It's not liked anyone", excuse because they are protecting their image. Nothing else. Few, I believe, are going to tell you "yes, it's worth hurting someone", but it is to them, or they wouldn't have done it in the first place.

 

My favorite bullsh*t line (to add to your great ones) is:

"The heart wants what it wants."

Which is just a terrific way of saying F-U.

[cocorico]

so many times on here i've read stories from other men/women whi have been hurt by being in an affair, but felt it was worth it because of the things they gained ( self knowledge, strength, etc.). i think that's good, but who is the one who ultimately paid the highest price for that knowledge? who is the one left to pick up the pieces of their life ( and other things as well) and go on due to a situation they explicitly didn't want or ask for?

 

I understand it's painful when an affair ends....but an affair shouldn't be the main part of someone's life. it's a relationship. A marriage is different...it permeates every facet of someone's life, and there are so many other factors involved if it is affected by an affair...

 

look at it this way...

 

the guy you are with now...am i correct in that you are married to him?

 

for the sake of argument, let's say you found it he was cheating on you...

would this have been more difficult to deal with when it was an affair or when it was a marriage? ( from everything frm emotional to legal to pragmatic matters)?

 

Speaking only for myself, I would honestly say it would be much the same. Some details would differ, but the weight of it would be / have been exactly the same from the point where we were both committed to the R (where it was more than a fling). At that point we regarded each other as life partners, became each other's "next of kin" on documents that required such, although he was still formally M to her. We were socially regarded as partners, by friends, colleagues, family etc so if there had been infidelity it would have been regarded by them as at least as bad as had we been M, possibly worse since it would have been seen as a betrayal of a R of choice rather than a R of obligation.

 

The emotional I would find easier to deal with in a M than in an A situation, for related reasons. I would find it easier to understand that the weight of role and expectation led him to feel obligated to remain according to his commitment instead of breaking free to follow his heart, while in an A that structural pressure is considerably less, although the issue of disappointment at his not having communicated that need to me would be exactly the same either way. The legal issues would probably be simpler too - if the outcomes were that we were to reconcile, everything would already be on place legally, while during the A there may have been the need to establish that kind of groundwork; and if the outcomes were that we were to split, it would just involve the putting into action the agreed procedures in our ANC, whereas the legalities during the A would have involved the unscrambling of a complex of undertakings both written and verbal with implications for extended family members making it not insignificant.

and pragmatically, pretty much the same as far as I can think of.

 

I don't honestly see that an A is anymore "just a R" than a M is. How central or peripheral either is to your life depends on the priority it enjoys in your life and how integrated you are into each other's lives. That has little or nothing to do with what a piece of paper may say. For example, his D was very straightforward legally - there was a jointly-owned house, true, but the details of that joint venture were all noted legally and very simple to execute on dissolution. There were no other joint finances. The kids were old enough to express views on custody and have those respected. There were no shared friendships to untangle, or in-law Rs to unwind, or or shared activities to avoid. Their lives had essentially been separate and nullifying a M contract changed little materially. Whereas I know several A couples who work closely together, publish together, have shared business interests, own property together, socialise together, co-parent, enjoy leisure activities together, etc, for whom a split would be a really major event with a great deal of fall-out.

 

It's not the name of R that matters, but the nature of it, which depends on the people involved and the priority they assign to it.

[todreaminblue]

having read many, many , many posts on here by all sides of an affair, I have to say that one thing I find somewhat depressing is the fact that some feel that an affair has taught them a lot about life, about themselves, about relationships, etc. . While I think it's great, and I'm all for introspection and self growth, it seems to me that it isfundamentally unfair that the ones who often pay the price for this knowledge are the one's who were never asked nor consulted about the affair in the first place...the betrayed spouses and the families, etc. who often go through the whole thing right along with them.

 

This is not to say the infliction of this pain was intentional or done with malice, but it does seem sad that this happens. It's even sadder still when i read stories of where the betrayed spouse/family wasn't even a blip on the radar for the other man/woman...if there was at least a little pang of compassion, pity, etc. ( even in retrospect), it would seem less sad to me somehow.

 

As a betrayed spouse, what price did you pay?

 

I paid with the loss of my "innocence" about my marriage, my husband , and even the motive of others. I will never see the world with the same eyes I saw before, I will never blindly trust anyone again.

 

This is not to say that the world is not a beautiful place, nor is it to say that our marriage is "bad" ( it is, in many ways,much better, as it has withstood one of the greatest challenges a marriage can face), but it is not the same.

 

Neither am I. the stress from the affair and it's aftermath hurt me ( ground my teeth so much in my sleep I've permanently damaged them:laugh:, the stress had some other physical effects as well that I won't go into here)

 

it was also hard on my kids and i have no idea what the long term effects on them will be...it was hard on my parents who supported me through it...it was hard on his sister who thought he was acting like an idiot:laugh:

 

in short , many people suffered, seems like most betrayed spouses/families do, and all I can say is that i sincerely hope whatever "knowledge" etc. that is gained for the other man/woman because of this was worth it...

 

 

I try and put it in perspective my tribe fo kids and i survived it....we came out battle scarred confused unsure with issues....scars in other words....baggage....but that baggage allows me to know what country i dont want to visit ever again......tried to go the country i shouldn't have too soon and got a bad case of malaria.....i know i am ready to travel now my baggage has been checked and contains no contaminates or fruit and veggies.....

 

i plan to give a box of veggies to someone special instead and invent a juice that i can travel with .......i am scarred physically and mentally but i am safe to fly....just dont let me actually navigate.hopeless with directions....ill end up in the bermuda triangle.....where i have been for the past month or two....strange place man...just got back the lights were pretty though and no i am not on drugs....this is me without drugs......i dont need them....hope i havent been too obscure...deb