Thinkalot Posted July 22, 2004 Share Posted July 22, 2004 My fiance and I currently rent a place. OUr landlord has subdivided the property, taken the yard space, and begun building a big house! He's done the wrong thing by us, and there are numerous implications and ways it reduces our quality of life...thereisn't even a fence at the moment between us and the construction site! It's right on top of us! We've asked for a rent reduction. They won't do that though. If we wanted to fight it, we could go to the Dept of Fair Trading. Our other option, is to move. Our real estate agent supports our case, and will help us move. One option is to move in with my mum. In 12 months we'll be setting off on our year long travels around Australia...so this is a limited time frame. My mum lives in a big house on the beach, 40 mins out of town. It's two storey. Downstairs has a room with its own entry and a bathroom and living area. We could live there. It's also a lovely location. Mum is financially in hot water. She may even have to sell the house soon. If we do that, we could pay her some rent, which would help her out for the next year at least. Drawbacks: it's a 40 min drive to and from work...we currently live 2 mins from our offices. Extra petrol costs etc. Also, When we were first together, mum lived with us for a while while she had a place renovated. It was a disaster and ended in world war three. Since then, (that was a couple of years ago) mum and my fiance have overcome their differences, and are good friends. Neither has a problem with this current idea. But....will it end up too close for comfort? Will I find it stressful too? Possible solutions: set up clear groundrules, about rent..privacy etc...and make downstairs, 'our' space It's only a year... Try and sometimes share one car to and from work (our hours differ sometimes)... Your thoughts??? Link to post Share on other sites
johan Posted July 22, 2004 Share Posted July 22, 2004 I'd say don't do it. 80 minutes of daily traffic stress, plus the potential for WWIV, plus your existing relationship trials, prepping for wedding, etc. Sounds like a bad risk. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Thinkalot Posted July 22, 2004 Author Share Posted July 22, 2004 Mmm thanks Johan. It's possible my judgement is clouded by my desire to help mum out financially. Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted July 22, 2004 Share Posted July 22, 2004 If your mom has a self-contained place, she could take in boarders. Students are always looking for good housing. I've known a lot of people to take in renters for extra cash. The bonus is that, living right there, your mom would be able to keep an eye on her tenant. I'm surprised she hasn't done this yet. I'd definitely not move in with her since your last example of closeness was a disaster. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Thinkalot Posted July 22, 2004 Author Share Posted July 22, 2004 The reason she hasn't done that yet, is because downstairs is not completely self-contained. There is no kitchen for example. She doesn't know how she'd cope with sharing the kitchen and upstairs space. If it was entirely self-contained, someone would be living in there by now I'd say. My fiance thinks moving in there is an option worth considering...that's how much relations between them have improved. The last blow up was over money issues. They are gone now, and resolved...so maybe that's water under the bridge and this would be different? Plus our place was smaller, and less divided in terms of living areas. Link to post Share on other sites
lydiamarie Posted July 22, 2004 Share Posted July 22, 2004 i think it's worth a shot, but i'm just a young'un, so what do i know... it sounds like you're not looking for advice so much as reassurance that you and your fiance are making the right choice: to move in. and so if you're considering it that strongly, then i would say trust your instincts. especially since your fiance and mother hadn't gotten along before but now he likes the idea of moving in with her...if he's okay with it and they get on well then those a good signs, no? i think you're going into this with your eyes open, and as long as your proactive, you should be able to survive the year. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Thinkalot Posted July 22, 2004 Author Share Posted July 22, 2004 Thanks. I appreciate all viewpoints. We are drawing up a list of pros and cons. Link to post Share on other sites
CurlyIam Posted July 22, 2004 Share Posted July 22, 2004 The last year when home, I lived with my bf at the time (currently my ex) and my sister. We said, just like you did, "for a determined period of time" - 1 year. I knew they didn't especially like eachother, but they were civil to eachother. Well, now I'm happy that I did lmake this move. I was trying so hard to make it work with my ex, I was the only one compromizing and making most of the efforts and my sis did tell me. In the end,I think it was my fault for the situation created, I should not have let her have anything to say. WWIII is mild compared to my living there with them both during the last three months!!! So you see, the good part was that my sister opened my eyes and helped me through. The bad part was the only one that hurt during those horible fights was me. Oh, and the fact that considering the events that took place during the last year, I finally had the courage and the motivation to leave him. It's entirely your shot, but I have never heard of someone living with anyone's parents (not to mention only one parent) and "survive" the experience as a couple. Wanna help your mom? Help her make some sort of a plan in order to get out of this financial situation permenantly. Otherwise, if she does not do something, search for a solution, you'll continue to represent her other option and will have to support her financially for the rest of her life. She may need some money at the beginning, so make a sort of a fund for her, like a trust fund. Talk to her, talk to the bank and see. If you were short on money,maybe than this option would have seemed a bit more reasonable. IT was your problem, as a couple. But it's not. It's not even your problemit's your mom's. IMHO it's not worth making sacrifices from your relationship... If you trully feel guilty, send her more money! But that's as far as this should go! Curly P.S. May I say it's lovely that your finace is considering this option ... Link to post Share on other sites
Author Thinkalot Posted July 23, 2004 Author Share Posted July 23, 2004 Yes, it is isn't Curly. I was at Mum's today. We have been talking about how it would work...how the space downstairs would be divided as OUR space. My fiance and I are going to discuss it in detail when he's home tonight. Partly we don't want to have to search for another decent place to rent. The place before this the owners moved back, and we had to move out, and now this! Mum's is nice, and a sure thing...and a great place to be for the coming summer. But I hear all the warnings loud and clear. I suppose even ww3 doesnt sum up what i went through in the house with them both last time either. It was horrid. The clincher...mum coming home one day , and starting to tidy up..she was sweeping, and saw a self help book on my fiance's table called "Toxic In-laws"...you can imagine how that went down...it's almost funny looking back, but at the time...oh boy! A LOT has changed since then though, I must emphasize. Lots to think about though. Thanks for your story. Link to post Share on other sites
meanon Posted July 23, 2004 Share Posted July 23, 2004 I'm sure you won't have a re-run of last time, Thinkalot. There's bound to be conflict, though - always is when families live together even if on balance they are happy. I think you need to be sure that you could handle that. This is a happy time, I know, but also a stressful one as are all times of change. How would the inevitable stress from occasionally feeling caught in the middle or from divided loyalties compare with the stress of the alternative courses of action? Don't discount the risks, even if you decide that on balance they are worth taking. Is it an option to move in for the summer while you get yourself sorted out and stay on if it's working? That way you can go without too much bad feeling if it's not working out. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Thinkalot Posted July 24, 2004 Author Share Posted July 24, 2004 We've decided against it. Mum understands but is obviously quite dissapointed, as this was a way our of here financial worries for at least the next 12 months. I feel relieved but like sh*t. I kinda wish we hadnt mentioned it as an option and got mum's hopes up...but we really did want to consider all options and talk it through. The clincher...the travel time. Bunnyboy was particularly worried about that and how it would add to his stress. Frankly, as I said, I am relieved,as I was pretty anxious about it...but I really wanted to help. Oh well. We're going to rent a small unit here in town instead. Why do I have to feel so bad right now though? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Thinkalot Posted July 25, 2004 Author Share Posted July 25, 2004 OK. So now the sh*t has hit the fan. Again. Mum is upset, and worried about her future...wishes we'd never mentioned moving in there as an option and got her hopes up. I explained we wanted to help and were trying to explore all the options...but ended up deciding it was too far away from work etc. She also said she was hurt by some of the points I raised when discussing moving in with her...I told her for example, I was worried about having enough of my own space...and needing a break from her even sometimes, and time alone. I was also worried about taking on some of mum's strain in looking after my grandma. While I am happy to help a bit...I do work full-time and I am planning a wedding, and engaged etc...and I worried about how much extra stress I might end up with. I was being frank. I also said that if we lived with her , she'd need to try and stop spending money on extras she doesn't need...it can be frustrating for my fiance, especially as we are paying for her trip to Fiji, to be at our wedding. Now I mentioned that, because my fiance and mum have had fights about money before, and I wanted to try and make clear possible trouble spots. Mum now says she's hurt I even mentioned we were paying for Fiji for her...and putting it in her face. Arrrgghhhh! She's emotional. She's the victim. She's twisting things the wrong way!!! There was even a comment made about how she thought my fiance cared, and had changed! (ref. previous money fights).... I told her I'd heard enough, and that I cared, he cared, and we all cared...etc....I ended up crying though. Today, I have a dance comp on. I'm nervous. Mum usually helps me get ready. Today she's not even coming in...she's upset,and also feels sick, I know...still..a bit of extra stress on a day when I'd prefer to have avoided it. I have to have on fake tan, makeup etc...for this comp. A crazy sport it is, but anyway! Link to post Share on other sites
johan Posted July 25, 2004 Share Posted July 25, 2004 Sounds like a painful discussion you had. Seems like she isn't taking her disappointment very well, and she's focussing on the things you said that sounded sort of like criticism. She can't handle money, she needs to control herself and give you space. Those are kind of challenging statements for someone to hear, particularly if they are already feeling sort of insecure about things. Good luck with your dancing! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Thinkalot Posted July 25, 2004 Author Share Posted July 25, 2004 Thanks Johan. off to get ready now. Link to post Share on other sites
marribell Posted July 25, 2004 Share Posted July 25, 2004 Have fun! I think it is better that your mom will be a bit upset now than get ino a fight and disappointment later. I am a mom too. And all I want for my daughter is her happiness, more than mine. I am sure that every mom feels like that. Anyway, moving with her you wouldn’t make her happier or solve her problems. Something else would come up soon. I will PM you my story later when I have more time. Enjoy your dancing comp and don’t worry. I use the following trick when I have similar issues: I think about the problem as if 10 years have been already passed and now I am just remembering it... Then I memorize a tougher problem that I had several years ago... trying to analyze it seriousness. Also I try to think as if that is not happening to me but to my friend and I need to give an advice... It helps me lots. Life is too short and so beautiful…Smile. Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted July 25, 2004 Share Posted July 25, 2004 You aren't responsible for your mother's problems. It's not good digging yourself into a hole and then wishing it weren't so. She does unwise things, doesn't learn from them, wants people to save her from the problems she's created, and then gets upset if they don't. Every grownup needs to realize that you can't always get what you want. And some of them adjust better than they even expect to if they are forced to change. My mother did NOT want to move from our house, but when my dad was gone, though he did pay for us, he couldn't afford to support two homes. I didn't mind moving to an apartment - she fought it tooth and nail. Finally, after we moved in, she loved the place and then you couldn't budge her out of it. Your mom has to realize that she cannot keep that house and keep spending money. She should get a boarder or else prepare to move to a more affordable place. If roles were reversed with you the mother and she the daughter, I'd think she was spoiled and irresponsible. If she was some fellow's wife, I'd say the same. I'm sorry it's your mom, but she is a grown woman and the same rules apply. I sold a beloved house of my own. I wasn't living in the same city and I was having rotten luck with tenants, so though it pained me to do so, I sold it. I'm still sorry about it, but it couldn't be helped and life goes on. Hope things went well at the competition! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Thinkalot Posted July 25, 2004 Author Share Posted July 25, 2004 Mum ended up coming in to the comp. Gave me a hug. Said sorry. Like I said- she gets emotional and blurts stuff out. Because I was upset, my fiance knew what had happened (he could also hear my end of the phone conversation). I try to hide any yuk stuff mum does from him...because they've just started to become friends, after a whole lot of upset a while back. It's important to me everyone likes each other and gets on. Stuff like this doesn't help a lot. He said he sees the good points about her, but is also fully aware of the bad. Not much I can do about that. He said he'll always be wary. He also said I have to try and stop protecting her, or shielding her if she stuffs up. Anyway...the comp went well!! i got a trophy and all. Another one is on next weekend. I have a sore muscle...so a bit of time to rest it till then. Now it's time to wash all this stuff off my face and have a hot bath! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Thinkalot Posted July 29, 2004 Author Share Posted July 29, 2004 Just found a place we like to rent...going to apply asap. It's nice and clean, close to the beach and work. And it's even $10 a week cheaper than our current place. Here's hoping all goes well. Link to post Share on other sites
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