Tables have turned - The aftermath of my revenge affair

[PaidBackNow]

My story is unique because I am both a BS and a WS. I was a BS first and now am a WS who is starting separation. I need some advice about telling the children. This is not to incite or offend posters but just give them background of my position. Please do not be offended. Here is my story:

 

15 years ago, I started dating my wife. We married after a year. Our relationship was always great and had only minor fights. However, looking back, I realize that I was the one always initiating everything ranging from sex to communication. I would be the one sending more texts and I would be the one who wanted to have sex/try new kinky things. She never wanted to have oral sex with me..not once. I made more money than her and paid the majority of bills. Furthermore, I was great at planning out nice birthdays for her.

 

She was not a golddigger but I think in her mind, she felt like she had settled. She was slightly more attractive than me and I had some dental and acne issues. She did treat me nicely and was always nice to my family and friends. I guess in the early year of our marriage, she viewed me more of a friend. However, she never uttered the ILYBNILWY speech so I never ever had a clue.

 

About two years into the marriage, she had met a guy at the gym. They began working out together and eventually this transpired into a strong friendship. They would go to dinner occasionally and chat online. I was kept in the dark about this new companionship and finally one weekend after a month of knowing him, she had sex with him while on a trip to "visit friends".

 

The following Monday when she came home, I sensed something was different because she was withdrawn. After an hour or so of being home, she eventually broke down crying and confessed that she had an affair. I was shocked and devastated. My stomach had felt it like it had been pounded on by a hammer. I had tears in my eyes and could not think straight. She told me that she felt such a strong attraction and connection to him that she could not help it but that by the end of the weekend, she realized that what she was doing was wrong. The OM was nothing like me and he was not a good guy. He just wanted to bang her and then run. Heck, he didn't even show up to the gym at the same time he used to go after the rendezvous with her. He wanted to avoid her while I was the one always supporting her! To further castrate me, I had learned that she had done the ONE THING SEXUALLY I HAD ALWAYS ASKED...she gave him oral!

 

I had loved this woman since the day I met her. I constantly thought about her and bragged to everyone how wonderful she is. I helped her through so many tough times in her life and was always there for her. I would surprise her with romantic gestures and a lot of passion. I would please her first in bed by going down on her for lengthy periods of time. I would give her little kisses all over her body to be affectionate. I bought her gifts and tried to take care of her financially.

 

I felt like such a fool! I didn't know what to do so I asked her why and began yelling at her. She said she did not why and she got caught up in the passion. She told me she was weak and gave into temptation and promised never to do it again. I did not believe her and kept on her badgering her. She shed a lot of tears and answered everything truthfully.

 

After DDAY, the only times she seemed unwilling to reconcile was when I would be extremely caustic to her. Some outbursts from her were that "she was going to take me for everything in a divorce including the house I worked hard for" and that "I was lucky to have her in my life because there was no other woman would have an affair with me". These hurt my self esteem but she did apologize shortly after saying these things.

 

After a couple of months of this interrogation and counseling, we decided to try and move forward. She gave me full transparency, immediately quit the gym (I went back during her regular hours to have a talk with the OM but he never showed), sent a NC voicemail to the OM, and exposed to our inlaws. My anger had subsided and I was beginning to love the new her. I however never loved her the same afterwards.

 

Years pass and we have children together (I DNA tested them to make sure and she never once resisted). She got a much higher paying job and has been paying way more than her fair share of the bills even though she still earns less than me. A year after DDAY, she even signed a POST-NUP agreement dividing the assets in my favor for a divorce..including the house even though she helps make mortgage payments. This was to give me much needed reassurance.

 

Sex has been great and my wife is initiating a lot now. After DDAY, I told her that I would no longer eat her out because it would be too dirty (we were both virgins) and that the OM and her had unprotected sex. She agreed and has not complained since. She remembered one convo on DDAY where I had asked how she could have oral sex with this guy and never do that with me. Was I so disgusting? Since then, she has been very generous when it comes to oral sex.

 

For those years, we both were genuinely happy with each other and had a great family. I have always checked up on her and have never suspected her to cheat again. She goes nowhere without me. I worked out like crazy and became even more physically attractive.

 

Everything was great till about a year ago when I met my new single female coworker. Her and I shared the similar interests and this lead to many work time convos which became lunches and then dinners. Within a month or so, we were having sex at a motel 3 times a week after work. I would lie to my wife and tell her that I was working late and my wife would come home from work and make dinner for me. She would wait till I got home to eat.

 

I was not looking for an affair but I became triggered when one of my other coworker's had an affair and was bragging how his wife (BS) was bending over backwards to try and win him back. I became so angry that this adulterer gets so much reward for so much injustice. I felt as if my wife deserved some retribution and I deserved some joy too. After all, what goes around comes around. I never planned for what happened next.

 

My AP and I would constantly talk and text. We would chat on facebook, exchange photos and gifts. Ever since DDAY, I never again pampered my wife with lavish gifts or anything. She was the one who would try to buy my great gifts. I would give her a sweater or something as gifts during holidays and birthdays. I did not buy jewelry for her because I always feared that she was only staying with me because of material reasons. In my mind, she did not deserve it even though I tried so hard to forgive and forget. I gave my AP a lot of jewelry from Tiffanys during the affair. I even had my first anal sex experience with her. When my wife's mother died 8 months ago, I did not attend her funeral or help my wife cope properly because I was sadly spending intimate time with my lover. I don't know if these were conscious acts of malice towards my wife or not. I had genuinely fallen for my coworker.

 

It got to the point where I would reject my wife's advances in order to not feel like I was betraying my AP. My AP hated my wife and always pressured me to leave her but understood I had children. Two months ago, I began to feel like my wife was being suspicious so I checked her phone. She had been making calls to one of my close guy friends and I lost it. Before confronting my wife, I asked my AP what she thought and she said she was sure my wife was cheating. She said it was "women's intuition".

 

A week or so later at our house while the kids were at their aunt's house, I told my wife I wanted a divorce and that I no longer loved her. I told her that I knew she was cheating again and saw her call record. She began crying and told me that she was not hiding anything and that the calls were to plan a SURPRISE PARTY for me on my bday in a few days. I did not believe her so I decided to punish her by revealing my own affair. I gave her great details about my affair and even showed some of my pictures of me and my AP on my phone. My wife began to vomit and cry. I berated my wife and tried to push her out of my house and she tried to fight back so I called the cops. I was able to get a temporary restraining order because I had some cuts on my face and a bruise from a unrelated incident earlier in the day. Before the cops came to the house, my wife got on her knees and begged me not to divorce and not to have her arrested. I unfortunately did not listen. I realize now that this was a cruel thing to do but what's done is done. I will try to waive the restraining order at the next hearing! Please do not judge me based on this..it was a lapse in judgment.

 

I filed for divorce and am working with my lawyer to execute the post nuptial agreement. I am taking the house and the cars because she had signed them over to me earlier in the marriage through the post-nup. I do not think I have to pay alimony. I have temporary custody of the kids and she is not allowed in the house because of the restraining roder. Two days ago, my AP moved in to the house and we are deciding to get married once my divorce is finalized.

 

I realized from all this that I had never forgiven my wife and that it was foolish of me to have thought it was all in the past. Affairs are unforgivable and I should have divorced back then. I feel remorse for how my wife is being treated now but she is not entirely blameless. It bothers me greatly to learn that my wife was actually telling the truth about my surprise bday party (she had also called my own mother and father about it).

 

I have not spoken to my wife since the issuance of the restraining order and I have just heard how she is severely depressed now and begging for reconciliation. I just want to move on and be happy. I want her to move on to and she can have 50/50 custody of the kids.

 

However, I am not sure how to tell the kids about the revenge affair. My AP has now moved in (I have not asked my lawyer about this also because her lease ended and she needed a place to stay last minute). My kids were at my mother's house over the weekend. When they get back, they will ask questions.

 

Should I tell them the truth (they are barely teenagers) or just tell them she is a friend? Keep in mind, my AP and I will marry soon since she is the love of my life so the truth will come out. Is it better to tell now or later? Should I bring up their mother's old affair?

 

Sorry for the long post but I need help. Thanks.

[GLDheart]

Unreal. Seriously.

[PaidBackNow]

How is it unreal? I just need advice.

[Athena]

Wow you were full of hatred.

 

I'd say you have overdone the vengeance part.

 

I think you better put things right. Retract your lies as soon as possible, apologize to your wife for your wrongs, tell your kids the truth, and seek to understand the error of your ways. Good luck. I can only hope you do not have any power in society, for you would quickly turn into an evil man, judging on your display of force and retributions in your own loving marriage.

[frozensprouts]

ummm...

 

I'm sorry, but I have to say you acted like a jerk towards your wife. yes, she may have cheated on you, but you emotionally abused her and treated her like crud for many years, and that still wasn't enough for you? You felt like you still had to have some "joy" in your life so you cheated on her?

 

Piffle!

 

I know you might not like this, but you are at the same level she is, perhaps even lower, as you cheated on her to hurt her, to cause her pain, to punish her...then that still wasn't enough. You accuse her of cheating again, based upon the opinion of your other woman( do you not think she might have been just a little bit biased?) You lied to the police, you made her look like a criminal TO YOUR CHILDREN!!! but getting a restraining order against her! YOU hurt them, YOU shook their faith in their mother, YOU treated her like crud...then rationalize it all away by " she had oral sex once with a guy many years ago, "

 

If I were you, I'd be more worried about the therapy bill your kids are going to rack up over this...get your head on straight before you even think of moving someone else in. Put your kids first and not yourself...

 

You've used your wife's affair as cause to punish her for years...get yourself into some therapy, leave your (ex) wife alone and start thinking of how you are treating the mother of your children. ( the very idea of telling young children that " it's okay if daddy had a prolonged affair, emotionally abused your mommy for years to punish her, lied to the police an used the legal system to punish her even more and now I want to move in my other woman who did her best to help me hate your mother even more all because your mother gave oral sex to a man!"

 

( I don't condone cheating at all, but neither do i condone mental and emotional abuse, which is what you have done to your wife for years...think about that for a few minutes...you used her one act to justify emotionally abusing her for all those years...and now you are hoping to continue using it to justify your own cr@ppy behavior? Really think about that)

[veryhappy]

Wow...she's left with nothing and going through this for a weekend of sex a long time ago that had to do with inexperience? Congratulations, you played your revenge beautifully.

 

Since you are leaving your wife with nothing, you can afford to get a place for the love of your life who's good at anal. Get her out of the house, you can't throw out your kids mom today and invite the AP to live in with the kids the next day. Where's your common sense?

 

Oh, don't be in a hurry to marry. Give it a few years. She might want to get to know you, and ou might find out she's not exactly the one and only.

[Leelou]

I feel remorse for how my wife is being treated now but she is not entirely blameless.

So then quit being a jerk. You're just using her past momentary indiscretions to excuse your poor actions and choices. Own your crap!

 

It bothers me greatly to learn that my wife was actually telling the truth about my surprise bday party (she had also called my own mother and father about it).

Yup -- just when you thought you knew it all, you find out you made an error, or more likely, many. I advise you to cool it, slow down, and not marry in haste... or else you may repent at leisure.

 

 

However, I am not sure how to tell the kids about the revenge affair.

Yeah, I agree, it would sound pretty lame to tell them all your bad deeds that you did for the past year, and all the lies to the police etc, was to teach her a lesson for not sucking your dick and having a month long affair with some idiot at the gym... even at their tender ages, they would soon figure out it was grossly uneven how you avenged yourself to set the balance right! Even kids know injustices when they see/hear them.

 

 

Should I tell them the truth (they are barely teenagers) or just tell them she is a friend?

Now you are lying to your children?! What did THEY do to you to deserve that? Perhaps they will grow up to retaliate YOUR lies and actions to them?

 

Keep in mind, my AP and I will marry soon since she is the love of my life so the truth will come out. Is it better to tell now or later? Should I bring up their mother's old affair?

 

Sorry for the long post but I need help. Thanks.

No, don't bring up their mother's sex history and your crazy-ass reasoning of why you deserved some pussy..... ffs! Grow up. This AP is NOT the love of your life, she's just your new shiny toy who likes to suck your dick... get it in focus, that's ALL it is, it's not true love when the basis is all this hate, and vengeance and lies, and desperate behaviors to punish your wife for not loving you the way you wanted her to! Excuse me for being frank here, but you have to catch a wake up call before you destroy not only your family's lives, but your own.

 

Dump your OW, she's served her purpose.

 

Or at the very least put her in her own accommodation, like a hotel, motel, or doesn't she have ANY friends or family that she can stay with?! She is NOT worth messing up your children's psyche!!!! You are making your children pay the price for your wife's and your decisions... are they not worth more to you than to exact as much revenge as possible?

 

Your children need as much stability as possible. Do not have a strange woman in the house when they return, to find this woman has now replaced their mother! They will not only hate her forever, but will begin to despise you, especially as they grow older and realize the truth (it always comes out).

 

You better stop thinking with your dick, or your wounded ego, it's causing you to make deadly decisions... grow up and put your kids first. Tell the OW to go elsewhere for now until your divorce is finalized, and only then start 'dating' her in front of your kids... and do not rush into marriage.... they will hate her and you too. Think before you destroy everyone.

[GLDheart]

How is it unreal? I just need advice.

 

Where is it that you need advice? You sound like you have it all figured out.

 

1. Your wife cheated.

2. You hold mad long grudges.

3. You feel wronged deeply yet have no compassion

4. You cry victim over her decade old wrong doing yet outdo it remorselessly

 

What again are you looking for? I hate that your wife acted like a whore that long ago day back in the gym... but you sir have made her look like an errant child in relative comparison to your wrong doing.

 

My advice? Look up the Darwin Awards and become a member.

[whichwayisup]

How is it unreal? I just need advice.

 

Your kids are going to HATE your 'new' wife. It is so selfish and unfair to THEM to move this quickly. Slow down. Your OW hates your wife so you better make sure she respects the fact that those kids are not hers and doesn't try to poison them against their own mother.

 

Your wife is not nuts, nor does she deserve to have a restraining order against her. you pushed her so far past her emotional limit, set her up.

 

Your kids will hate and resent you as well..

 

When my wife's mother died 8 months ago, I did not attend her funeral or help my wife cope properly because I was sadly spending intimate time with my lover. I don't know if these were conscious acts of malice towards my wife or not. I had genuinely fallen for my coworker.

 

This truly makes me sad. I'm not judging you but in the eyes of your own kids, they will see that you not only let their mother down but you let them down as a family unit during a family crisis.

 

All I can say is, SLOW DOWN and don't force those kids to accept your girlfriend.

[Athena]

I wonder what would happen if your wife pulled some of YOUR stunts, and went to your workplace and exposed you and OW for having an affair while you are married? I wonder how you would feel if you both lost your jobs, and your OW has no place to go, right? What if YOU lost your home, if the cops find out you lied to them, and got legal action under lies, and the restraining order is reversed and YOU get to not go home... huh? How nice would that be?

 

Do you completely lack empathy?

 

Your wife lost her mother a few months ago and you now make her lose her H, M, and home, as well as full-time access to her children.

Sounds evil to me.

[waterwoman]

WTF???? Really?

 

If you are genuine I don't know what advice you want. How could you be so completely and utterly cruel to her? I would struggle to do that to my worst enemy but you have done this to someone you were supposed to have loved and had children with. You have completely eclipsed her 'crimes' with your own - congratulations .

 

1. If I were you I would agree that she gets to keep the house and the kids. You find a new lovenest for you and AP. Why should she lose her home, her car, 50% of the time with the kids, her marriage and her mother all in the space of a few weeks because you have an obsession with revenge over something that happened years ago.

 

2. See a counsellor to help you explain this nasty little quirk in your character

 

3. Tell your AP that she is largely a tool in your armoury against your wife and see how she reacts. By the way, how can she hate your wife if she doesn't know her? Does she hate her simply because she *is* your wife?

 

Hope that helps.

[NotCamelot]

ummm...

as you cheated on her to hurt her, to cause her pain, to punish her...

 

No matter what happened in the past, that is not right. If you were miserable enough all that time, why didn't you just end the marraige before resorting to a revenge affair?

 

You never got over her affair. I get it, I understand that. But all you did was become the same thing, maybe worse. Because you did it intentionally. And the confession had the intent of hurt.

 

I am sorry for all your problems, but I have no advice.

 

Just remember what I was once told, if they will cheat with you - they will cheat on you. Very true words!

[2.50 a gallon]

Two teenage kids, who are going to come to the conclusion that is was their dad and his AP that broke up the family.

 

There is just sort of something that having kids around and a part of your life that helps you stay young. I never had any, and therefore never had any grandkids, a big hole in my life that can never be filled. Thankfully my sister gave me two nieces, and one of them gave me a great niece and nephew. I get to be around them quite often and always come home with a new hope on life.

 

My best childhood and high school friend, and at one time we even worked at the same plant in the same profession for a good decade, married my sister and was the father of my two nieces. After I married and moved out of state, he began an affair, my sister caught and filed for D, and he married his AP. Both of his daughters, my nieces cut him totally out of their lives. The only time he had seen his grand babies, my great niece and nephew was when they were christened.

 

My youngest niece married late, he is a very religious man, and stood firm that her father should be invited to the wedding. My exBIL had to be introduced to his grand son and his grand daughter. He had no idea that his grand son was a starter on his high school football team and had never seen him play. He knew nothing of their upbringing and since the wedding 3 years ago has had no more contact.

 

His second wife also had kids, and like his kids, want nothing to do with them, more grand kids that they have hardly ever seen.

 

About 20 years ago he inherited a large amount of money, and he and his second wife no own and small ranchette at the edge of town, with horse privilages. They have several horses, including one gentle one that they bought purposely for the grandkids to ride. It never happened.

 

He and I are now both retired, and I am showing my age, but I swear he looks a good ten years older them me. Being as we were close friends at one time, and we hadn't seen each other for years, we did a lot of catching up at the wedding. Neither he now his second wife are the least happy. They had no chance of ever getting their lives back, the only thing keeping them together is the ranchette, as if they separate it will have to be sold.

 

This story is not unique as I have seen it repeated many times, the parent who breaks up the family gets all of the blame an quite often their kids want nothing to do with them for the rest of their lives.

 

And in your case, bering as you held the grudge for so long and then rubbed it in their mom;s face. What do you thing is going to happen>

 

Dump the AP yesterday and pray you can get back into the good graces of hour STBXW

[angie2443]

This isn't about revenge. You are getting pleasure in hurting these people which shows how twisted your charector is. Your children are going to be scarred by what you are doing. It breaks my hear that they are going to be going through he!! because of your cruelty. I don't buy your words saying you feel bad for this or that. I think that's all for image.

 

Just my two cents, anyways.

[BetrayedH]

Advice...

 

(1) Drop your anal homewrecker affair partner.

(2) Drop the restraining order - yesterday

(3) Apologize to your wife for being a complete asshat

(4) Never mention another thing about her affair, ever.

(5) Do whatever it takes to earn her forgiveness. I might expect to give a lot of oral and never receive it

 

I wish your wife was the one posting. I have plenty of advice for her.

[DBella]

Best advice would be to go seek professional help because you sound like a sadistic, resentful jerk.

 

My next advice would be to not marry the "love" of your life for now until you work on your psychological issues first, and last but not least, PLEASE do NOT further traumatize your children by telling them this embarrassing, shameful story.

[jmargel]

Wow.. pure hatered on your part. Karma. It will come back and bite you hard. Your affair started under duress and your new marriage will be nothing but stress.

 

You really need counseling you are hurting your wife and children to a degree that you cannot comprehend!

 

Tell your children this:

 

Kids, I can't seem to get over my immature behavior and anger issues. So I cheated on your mom, disgraced her and emotionally killed her. I messed up your mom so bad that she will likely need therapy for years.

 

Kids, I have and will continue to mess up your heads too. I won't take the blame for all the trauma I have and will put you through, but know that me and your new mom will love you.

[Owl]

I might have missed this...have you filed for divorce?

 

If not...why not?

[Athena]

I might have missed this...have you filed for divorce?

 

If not...why not?

He has not yet filed for divorce, though he promised to marry his AP asap.

 

Perhaps he hasn't filed for divorce yet, so that he has a bargaining tool for anal with his W, after all, that is how he managed to get her to give him oral.

 

He seems to have an odd way of getting things he wants...

[serial muse]

I can't get past the restraining order thing. That's so messed up.

 

OP, do your kids know the truth about that, I wonder?

[Madman81]

Guy here. I must say, your actions since your wife's affair those many years ago actually made me feel sorry for HER. She comes across as much more the wronged party in this than you are.

 

Whatever you and your workplace f***buddy decide to do, for the sake of your children, DON'T let her stay in the house. Get her the hell out of there. Your desire to get revenge and to utterly humiliate your wife has already done them enough damage. Don't add to it by being so selfish and self-righteous as to cheerfully move your f***buddy into the home they shared with their mother until very recently. Try thinking of something other than your own pain and desire for revenge at all costs.

 

Lastly, get counselling for yourself. Your actions are cruel, and frankly bordering on evil. You need help.

[Owl]

I did not believe her so I decided to punish her by revealing my own affair. I gave her great details about my affair and even showed some of my pictures of me and my AP on my phone. My wife began to vomit and cry. I berated my wife and tried to push her out of my house and she tried to fight back so I called the cops. I was able to get a temporary restraining order because I had some cuts on my face and a bruise from a unrelated incident earlier in the day. Before the cops came to the house, my wife got on her knees and begged me not to divorce and not to have her arrested. I unfortunately did not listen. I realize now that this was a cruel thing to do but what's done is done. I will try to waive the restraining order at the next hearing! Please do not judge me based on this..it was a lapse in judgment.

 

 

A word of caution...I suspect that you just admitted on the internet to committing perjury. You lied to the police about the source of your injuries to get the RO against your wife whom you tried to physically remove from your home.

[Spark1111]

I think punishing your wife, with the help of your OW, has somehow, in some really sick and twisted way, made you feel so much more alive.

 

When it is all over and done with, you and she will be sitting alone with a heap of money, and absolutely NOTHING in common as there will be no common enemy to hate anymore.

 

You will then throw her aside, and live a miserable life surrounded by no one who truly loves you for you.....not your xwife, future wife, or your children.

 

BUT, you will have all the money you need to buy or date all the oral and anal givers you seek.

 

Lucky, lucky man you will be.

[Spark1111]

A word of caution...I suspect that you just admitted on the internet to committing perjury. You lied to the police about the source of your injuries to get the RO against your wife whom you tried to physically remove from your home.

 

Yes, and with the full support of his current OW who desperately needs a meal ticket and despises the wife.

 

These two deserve each other. I give it two months tops.

[PaidBackNow]

I truly did not hold a grudge or ideas for revenge all these years. However, I did use revenge as a basis for continuing my affair. I wish I had divorced first and then pursued this relationship but it just did not work out that way. I am sorry for that. However, I DO NOT REGRET THE AFFAIR because that would mean that I regret all the time I had with Rebecca. That would not be fair to her. My wife deserved some of this pain because of her past injustice towards me. She started this. Rebecca explained to me that what I did is kind of like what the cops do when they arrest a criminal and put him in jail. The criminal may have only committed a small crime but still receives a heavier sentence in order to uphold justice (i.e. commits 5 minute robbery of $100 and does not hurt anyone but still receives 5 years in jail).

 

I also did not file the restraining order out of malice. I was scared about what she was going to do to me and the kids. She even threatened to hurt me and Rebecca. On our original DDAY, I did not do anything to hurt her like she did to me. She definitely scratched me and pushed me around. I told her to stop but she was crying and not listening to me.

 

My parents are appalled at what is happening and are unfortunately siding with her. I hope I do not lose my kids over this either.

 

Oh and Rebecca did not plan on moving in. Her lease expired and she was unable to renew it and just needs a place to stay. This is my house now according to the law and there should be no reason why Rebecca, who will be my wife and new stepmom to the kids, can't move in.

 

I received an email from my parents written by my wife basically asking me to drop the restraining order and wondering if there was any chance to reconcile and save our family. I do not understand why she does not realize that she was the one who broke our family a long time ago.