Tables have turned - The aftermath of my revenge affair

[road]

Why do you hate me so much? I did nothing to you. I admit I messed up and am trying to navigate my way through. What is so incredible about this statement I made? I told my wife everything (almost) and loved her so I trusted her even after dday. It may come back to bite me in the ass.

 

 

 

If you messed up why are you still doing the same things. That is not navigating. That is putting a spin on things so you can keep on doing what you have been doing.

 

Hint you are not the victim in your story.

 

Edit to add when your wife's lawyer get's you into court and tells the judge you had an affair, moved wife out and adultery partner in to be kids mom, kiss your ass, and your wallet good bye. That judge is going to void that pre/postnuptial.

 

What is happening to you could not happen to a "nicer" guy.

 

How are you worse then your wife?

 

She did not move OM into your home, your bed, be dad to your kids.

 

You know the unbearable pain of a BS.

 

You ignore your first hand knowledge and inflict the same pain on another person.

 

She did not ruin you financially.

 

She did not make you homeless.

Edited September 18, 2012 by road

[Janesays]

I hate it when people flippantly label other people as 'sociopaths' without any true understanding of what that mental illness entails, but in THIS particular case, I think they may be on to something.

 

Further, I'm a very stringent atheist, but after reading this thread, I have never wanted to believe in God more. If only because I'd like to be able to pray to some divine being for your wife. That poor woman deserves all the happiness in the world after suffering through a "marriage" with you.

[2.50 a gallon]

Saving for a new Audi, spending moneys on Zales and Tiffany for a new wife, and new kid.

 

Are you taking this money out of your kids college fund? Or is that already totally funded?

[scatterd]

The way you did your wife is appalling. You acted like an evil child. You are vindictive and your wife deserves justice. As far as a prenup goes everything you had before marriage will be considered but the things you bought with your wife over the years will be separated, half to her and half to you. You are in over your head she has proof of you cheating. Your wife will get over you in time and find a loving man and she will fall hard for him after being treated like dirt. This Rebecka has become your evil partner in crime and someday she may cheat on you also. I do not like cheating at all but the way you handled this should embarrass you. Have you ever heard two wrongs does not make a right. Your wife more then made up for the cheating and you took it upon yourself to punish her more. Come on you with held oral sex from her. You also hurt your children and their Mother and how about your parents? Your family is going to remember this the rest of their lives. It hurts bad enough to have someone cheat on you let alone being abused on top of it. You know this look what it did to you. Your wife lost her parent and you did not even and support her or give her time to grieve. what are you thinking? If you have any compassion for your family you really need to get on your knees and ask for forgiveness.You are not the only one that has been cheated on just do reading here. You are in more then a affair fog you can not even see your affair partner in crime is is instigating you to think things about your wife. She has not hung around your wife so why so much hate. I hope you can do some deep soul searching and try to make up for all the hurt. Your children need stability and of course Mom is not being stable right now. Look how she was treated this could send many woman over the edge. What do you hope will happen with this? Really think about what you are doing and done. Your wife does not deserve a restraining order you are abusing the system. This can come back and bite you on the A--. If this is all true you have set yourself up for losing everything.

Most of all Respect.

[Recovering_Wayward]

Affairs are never the answer. But a Revenge Affair is worse because it's done on purpose to hurt someone else.

 

to me, if my wife had done this, I would've walked and then i would've been convinced that me leaving her (and me having an affair) were more than justified because it would've told me that she was not the kind of person I'd want to be married to.

 

Was I wrong in my affair? You bet. 100000%. But I didn't do it in order to stick it to my wife. To engage in an RA is quite horrid. Childish. Absolutely the wrong answer in these circumstances.

[Leelou]

Paidback, have you noticed HOW MANY posters have used the word 'evil'? It is not a word used lightly. I have not seen it used anywhere else on these boards, so it's quite a shock to see how many people have used it in your case.

 

If you truly want to make things right, you need to stop the hurtful things you are doing immediately, and seek the right way to put your life back on track.

 

I suggest you get a really good therapist for as start... you need some objective, professional, knowledgeable help. Can you find a counselor for some independent counseling asap? You can't do this on your own.

[PaidBackNow]

My wife informed My workplace of the affair. HR will investigate to see if company resources we used for the affair. In an even lower move, she somehow managed to get contact info of Rebecca's parents and tell them of the affair. What good will this do?

 

Oh and she told everyone on facebook that I am a Cheater and she feels sorry for my new gf because I have a small penis and am cheap. Wtf?

[Decorative]

When is the Lifetime movie coming out, based on this story?

 

It totally belongs on there.

[Decorative]

My wife informed My workplace of the affair. HR will investigate to see if company resources we used for the affair. In an even lower move, she somehow managed to get contact info of Rebecca's parents and tell them of the affair. What good will this do?

 

Oh and she told everyone on facebook that I am a Cheater and she feels sorry for my new gf because I have a small penis and am cheap. Wtf?

 

 

Dat's what we betrayed folks call exposure.

 

It's a risk you run when you dip your inkpen into the wrong well. And oh, oh, oh, have you ever done that.

[PaidBackNow]

I am trying to set up a separate bank account for her so that she can have some money. This will protect the post nup but not leave my wife poor. The kids are fine. My wife cannot have the home. She broke my heart for all these years.. she cheated first and it shattered me.

 

It is not my fault my wife did not go to a better school and earn a better living.

[ComingInHot]

paid: okay. Here goes... deep breathe... Stop. Stop everything. No more yelling. No more affair. No more blaming. No more whining. Just stop.

 

Good. ..

 

Now, step back. Out of everything coming down on you.

 

Better.

 

Now Look. From the outside looking in. Look at the actions of your wife (not your wife but her actions). Look at your new woman's actions ( not her, her looks or smell or anything just her actions. Look at your children's actions/response. Look at your your parents reactions... Look at your actions ( not you or how You feel but your actions)

 

What do you see ??

Do you like what you see?

Can you help?

How?

 

Come up with a working solutuin or don't but from here on out what you choose to do going forward will separate you from the boys or from being a man.

 

Inner peace.... INNER Peace.... INNER PEACE!!!!!! AWUMMmmmmmmmm.... **

[Leelou]

My wife informed My workplace of the affair. HR will investigate to see if company resources we used for the affair. In an even lower move, she somehow managed to get contact info of Rebecca's parents and tell them of the affair. What good will this do?

 

Oh and she told everyone on facebook that I am a Cheater and she feels sorry for my new gf because I have a small penis and am cheap. Wtf?

See, that's what your treatment of her induced.... you had a revenge affair and believe in severe punishment for her 'crime' and now she is returning the treatment of severe punishment, exposure, and revenge. Can't blame her for behaving the same way.

If you had been the bigger man, and had truly forgiven her and moved on, and not punished her out of the blue a decade later and after starting a family, then she would not be behaving the way she is now.

 

Your hateful actions have brought about her hateful reactions. The two of you are intent to destroy your family, each other and your history.

 

You need to stop it now. You can't control her, but surely you can control what YOU choose to do?

 

Do you like the consequences of having declared war on your wife? Of course she will fight back. Is that what you wanted? To be maimed on your way out of the marriage, and onto your new relationship?

 

It's better that Rebecca's parents were informed of the Truth... why lie to them too?

 

I have to request that you take it on the chin and quit whining about your wife's horrible treatment of you, since it is you that believes in being punished for your crimes... since you made her pay for her cheating, now she is making you pay for your cheating.... you ALSO cheated, right? Right?!

[AnotherRound]

I am trying to set up a separate bank account for her so that she can have some money. This will protect the post nup but not leave my wife poor. The kids are fine. My wife cannot have the home. She broke my heart for all these years.. she cheated first and it shattered me.

 

It is not my fault my wife did not go to a better school and earn a better living.

 

PBN : seriously, stop. Think.

 

I have read this whole thread, and haven't thought of anything supportive that I can say. Its surreal, this whole story. Oh, I know stuff like this happens... but what are you getting from all of this drama? Don't ask Rebecca... think for yourself! What is the point in all this dramaa? And I am sorry, but your stbxw is not causing the drama on her own. If you refuse to play, there would be far less of it.

 

Please stop letting your gf tell you how to "handle" your wife and your marriage. How is it not obvious to you that your gf has her own dog in this fight? She has so much to gain by manipulating you.

 

I am not saying your wifes affair was okay. But, it is not her fault that you didn't handle your business all of those years ago. And your description of her vomiting and begging literally made me nauseous. Not only was it so cruel, but its symptomatic of so much in your personality.

 

I think a divorce is the best option here. I'm not sure how your kids are going to be affected, but I'm convinced its going to be negative. You say you have had lapses in judgment... so stop having them now. If you are truly aware, you will handle this appropriately from here on out. Your relationships may always be this unhealthy I am afraid, bc your reactions and behaviors (and possibly you, your personaluty) are unhealthy. Change the partner out as many times as you want... the partner is probably not the main problem here.

[Athena]

Only a real man would take it on the chin, and he has proven that that is not what he is.

 

That's right, a real man will seek to protect his wife and children. Not betray them for utterly selfish reasons.

 

There was a far better way to leave your wife and set up with a new woman, but you didn't choose that respectable way. You chose the way out that seemed easiest to you. Now you are dealing with the fallout. Why are you so surprised that your actions and choices have resulted in this?

 

Did you not think things through at any point?

 

Will you now stop and think about further messing up your life? By NOT being in a haste to marry your AP and make a baby with her asap? Stop and think, will ya? You have made so many mistakes this past year and now you want to continue in this destructive path... you have been advised by EVERYONE on this thread to NOT marry Rebecca in a hurry... in fact everyone has told you to take that s-l-o-w.

 

Will you now start planning your future instead of just happening to go where Rebecca guides you?

She's not good for you.

[scatterd]

How can you say that your wife hurt you for years and does not deserve the house.She tried to make up for it and you said you would not give her oral sex and so on. Does that not count on hurting someone. You honestly should have gotten this over with then. Did you plan on staying to make your wife miserable or did you ever want to try to fix your marriage and forgive? I am sure it hurt you but you did worse. Your wife did not dump you and run off with the OM. She must have loved you in some way. We have heard why you cheated but what was going on in your marriage when she cheated? Did you get any counseling? Instead of jumping in to another marriage and making a mess with your children. Get some help to heal and fix your life.

[SunflowerKitten]

I am crying at how hateful men can be.

 

I am shocked.

 

You didn't give your wife a chance to show you she was sorry, you didn't love her enough to forgive her in small ways.

 

You are asking advice for the kids, but you moved your misstress in already before your childrens mother and you are even divorced, you are ripping their mother from them and replacing her with this OW.

 

Are you ready for their questions of where is mommy?

 

You don't have the right to tell them about your wifes affair, that is her job and her right.

 

How cruel and visious is what I am reading.

 

Your kids deserve time to adjust, your OW needs to move out of your house and give yur family time to adjust.

 

You reacted so unrationally.

 

You now gave the mother of your children a criminal record for what? No reason.

 

[PaidBackNow]

By the way, Rebecca is not moving out because I DO NOT WANT HER TO MOVE OUT. There are no mindgames here. There is no reason why she should have to move out of MY house. My children will have to learn to tolerate my new wife. She did nothing to them.

 

From a financial perspective, there is no reason why Rebecca should move out. If she rents an apartment, she will have to have a lease for at least 6 months but probably an year. We will get married before then hopefully. Why waste the money?

 

The children will need to cope. I am thinking of having them go to a therapist but I think this might be unnecessary. This isn't murder here. Just a new person and their mom will still see them 50/50.

[Steen719]

Narcissistic personality disorder

 

Last reviewed: November 14, 2010.

 

Narcissistic personality disorder is a condition in which people have an inflated sense of self-importance and an extreme preoccupation with themselves.

Causes, incidence, and risk factors

 

The causes of this disorder are unknown. An overly sensitive personality and parenting problems may affect the development of this disorder.

 

Symptoms

 

A person with narcissistic personality disorder may:

 

• React to criticism with rage, shame, or humiliation
  
• Take advantage of other people to achieve his or her own goals
  
• Have excessive feelings of self-importance
  
• Exaggerate achievements and talents
  
• Be preoccupied with fantasies of success, power, beauty, intelligence, or ideal love
  
• Have unreasonable expectations of favorable treatment
  
• Need constant attention and admiration
  
• Disregard the feelings of others, and have little ability to feel empathy
  
• Have obsessive self-interest
  
• Pursue mainly selfish goals
  

 

Signs and tests

 

Like other personality disorders, narcissistic personality disorder is diagnosed based on a psychological evaluation and the history and severity of the symptoms.

 

 

Narcissistic personality disorder - PubMed Health

 

 

Just saying!

[SunflowerKitten]

By the way, Rebecca is not moving out because I DO NOT WANT HER TO MOVE OUT. There are no mindgames here. There is no reason why she should have to move out of MY house. My children will have to learn to tolerate my new wife. She did nothing to them.

 

From a financial perspective, there is no reason why Rebecca should move out. If she rents an apartment, she will have to have a lease for at least 6 months but probably an year. We will get married before then hopefully. Why waste the money?

 

The children will need to cope. I am thinking of having them go to a therapist but I think this might be unnecessary. This isn't murder here. Just a new person and their mom will still see them 50/50.

 

You are oblivious of how you sound and won't take responsibility for your actions.

You blame your wife for your cheating, do 2 wrongs make a right? Did she make that decision for you, to cheat?

No.

 

You are making excuses and so blind with what you think is love and are defending rebecca, and throwing your kids over the side of the boat with no life jacket.

You just said they will have to deal and cope, you are thinking of yourself and not the best interest of your kids.

 

You are full of hate and revenge and will only guide your kids to hate you by you trying to turn them against their mother by your actions and what they see you do and what they hear you say.

 

Buying the kids things isn't love.

 

Your kids mother can't always buy them nice things, but she loves them and spends qaulity time with them, that's what love is, not material things.

 

Now who is the hypocrit?

You say your soon to be ex wife you were worried she stayed for material things, now look how you are defending your new woman against what she bought your kids with "money".

 

You are damaging your kids and they will suffer, you are moving too fast for their sake, but you don't care.

 

You keep making excuses and defending your affair and your OW.

 

You aren't sorry for what you did.

 

I am sad for your children.

[Decorative]

It's not "just" a new person.

 

Divorce is very complicated and hard on children in even the best of situations where the parents work together.

 

But you were so egregious in what you did - and so clueless about what you have done, you don't understand that you have blown up your family . And Rebecca moving in and offering video games? Isn't going to change a thing.

 

You need psychological help, and a physical . I hope you get some. There is something seriously wrong for you to be doing this. The alternative is that you're pure evil, and I really would hate for that to be the answer .

 

Look. We see this. This is not a revenge affair. This is a garden variety affair- which has everything to do with you, and nothing to do with your wife. You have rewritten the past decade to justify the horrible decisions you have made.

 

 

But it's time to stop now.

[2sure]

With all of the men here trying and failing to just get fair visitation...

Unless the mother is currently institutionalized...there is zero reason to think you will see your children more than every other weekend.

 

Unless of course I've missed the part of the story where she freely signed over her children pre divorce and without attorneys.

[whichwayisup]

By the way, Rebecca is not moving out because I DO NOT WANT HER TO MOVE OUT. There are no mindgames here. There is no reason why she should have to move out of MY house. My children will have to learn to tolerate my new wife. She did nothing to them.

 

From a financial perspective, there is no reason why Rebecca should move out. If she rents an apartment, she will have to have a lease for at least 6 months but probably an year. We will get married before then hopefully. Why waste the money?

 

The children will need to cope. I am thinking of having them go to a therapist but I think this might be unnecessary. This isn't murder here. Just a new person and their mom will still see them 50/50.

 

There's something very wrong when a person puts the AP ahead of their own flesh and blood.

 

Your kids one day will hate you and you'll have nobody to blame but yourself.

 

You're being selfish and very cruel. Though I'll also add it is possible you're in a total fog and whatever head you're thinking with shrinks, you'll realize wtf you're doing and how wrong you are by going about everything. It's not normal one bit.

 

I think everybody who has replied to you is saying the same thing and you're not listening! STOP and really read your thread. Do counselling..on your own and with your children. Trust me, the therapist will say the exact same thing we've all said to you.

[MonsterMash]

I'm not going to read this whole thread, but I just want to point something out.....

 

 

Emotions have NO concept of time. The wife cheated, then years later the husband got his revenge. This is why I believe in cases of infidelity there should be a divorce as soon as the betrayed spouse learns of the affair. It never goes away in their mind. They may learn to deal with it better over time. But it never truly goes away.

 

And in some cases, like this one, the initially wronged spouse goes crazy. Use these people as an example. If you find yourself on the bad end of infidelity ....just leave. Nothing else will ever, in the long run, make you happy.

[scatterd]

By the way, Rebecca is not moving out because I DO NOT WANT HER TO MOVE OUT. There are no mindgames here. There is no reason why she should have to move out of MY house. My children will have to learn to tolerate my new wife. She did nothing to them.

 

This is a man that is trying to upset people that have cheated. I am starting to think his story is not true. Really he has no concern for his child. Think about the things he said its kind of over bord. Who does this? TROLL.

[MonsterMash]

Monster, do you think that's true in an emotional affair as well?

 

Absolutely. This is strictly from my perspective mind you...and I'm not condoning cheating of any kind. But the worse of the two is the emotional affair. You're investing feelings and emotions into someone else.

 

Look at it this way. Say Joe Bob is on a business trip, gets horny and drops some money on a hooker. Yes...its bad. But its interactive masturbation. OTOH ...say Joe Bob is having an affair with Mary Jane down the street. He sends her flowers, buys her gifts....tells her he loves her. He gives her all the little special things that, until then, were reserved for his wife. It doesn't matter why or how. Just that the connection is there.

 

Me? A purely physical affair is more forgivable than an emotional one. Although I couldn't forgive either one.....the EA is more likely to make me go nuclear.