sofedupwiththis Posted September 10, 2012 Posted September 10, 2012 The backstory: My husband and I got married 3 and a half years ago. I was 19 and he was 20. About 2 months into the marriage, he put his hands on me (while he was asleep) and was choking me until the point I was about to pass out. I told him about it and he apologized and we just moved on with life. It happened again about a month after that while we were having an argument. Again, he apologized. He claims that he does not remember doing any of it and that the only reason he knows now is because i told him that he did it to me. He is in the Navy and 4 months after we got married, he deployed. I moved away from where we were stationed so that I was not alone and with family while he was gone. About 4 months into the supposed to be 6 month deployment, I start getting things around so that we could get a house on base when he got back. Not too long after that happened, they got extended another 2 months. I tried to change the date for us to move into our house on base, but I would have been knocked to the bottom of the list (and had to wait another 6 months or more) for another house to open up since we would have declined the one we were assigned. So I wound up moving back to our duty station 4 months before he got home. I got everything set up in the house. Well, within the week I had met a whole group of people that lived around me, and some that were off base but were friends of theirs, one of them being a guy. I started hanging out with everyone on a regular basis and we would drink some. When I told my husband about all of it, he threw a complete fit over it all. He said that I was underage (20) and that I didn't need to be doing that. The key piece of information that everyone needs to know is that when he was home, he would get his friend to go and get us alcohol with BOTH of us being underage at the time. Anyways, I also smoked before we got married and he knew that just as well. One day on the phone I told him that I smoked to get relaxed so that I could fall asleep at night. He, again, threw a fit about that. I felt like he was being more like my dad instead of my husband. I felt like he would not listen. All he was doing, in my opinion, was just trying to control everything that I did. He would not listen to anything I had to say about any of it. I was so fed up with all of it. So, one of the nights that I was at my friends house drinking, the guy that we hung around with got really drunk and obviously could not drive. Well, this "friend" would not let him stay at her house and suggested that he come stay at my house. That night, nothing happened. We just sat on the couch and I told him about everything that was going on and how my husband just would not listen to anything that I had to say about anything. Telling me who i could and could not hang out with and what i could and could not do. This guy actually listened to me and tried to help me fix the things that were obviously wrong between my husband and me. When my husband called later that day, I told him that the guy was drunk and he stayed at the house. He threw a complete fit over it, which I do understand. Again, I tried to explain to him about the friends I had in high school that died from drinking and driving and how I couldn't let something happen to another friend. Again, he would not listen to anything I had to say. Again, I felt like he was being more like my dad than my husband - not trying to understand where I was coming from. Another night, the same thing happened. He got too drunk and this "friend" wouldn't let him stay at her house. This night, he came back to my house and we watched a movie. As the old saying goes - one thing led to another - and we wound up kissing. Then kissing obviously led to other things. I felt awful about it all the next morning but I did not tell anyone. I went about my day just like I always would have. My husband called the next day and I did not even mention the other guy staying at the house because of the big blowup that we had the last time. But, of course, there was always something else for my husband to flip out over. A few days after that, again, the guy got too drunk and wound up staying at my house again. And again, we wound up in bed. Then the last night that anything ever happened, the guy had called me from a bar out in town and asked me to come and get him. So i went and picked him up and brought him back to the house. And again, we wound up in bed. Since then, we have bought a house out in town, had a kid, and been generally happy with the normal ups and downs. His next deployment, he was constantly getting drunk and hanging out with women. I got on his facebook and noticed that he was being TOO flirtatious with women who were deployed with him. He was also asking other women for naked pictures. I threw a fit over it all (hypocritical - maybe) but he swore up and down that it was "no big deal" (hypocritical on his part - maybe). There was one night that he called me and was so drunk that he doesn't remember calling me and there was another female in his room with him "making sure he didn't aspirate on his own vomit." I am still not too sure if I believe that or not. More recently: I kept my secret for 3 years. Whenever I would think about it and my husband would ask me what was wrong, I would always come up with some other answer. Money. Anything other than what I was actually thinking about. I DID FEEL AWFUL ABOUT WHAT HAPPENED STILL! Well this past December, I was thinking about it and my husband asked me what was wrong. I said the normal "nothing" like I always did. This time, however, he just kept on asking me what was wrong. I kept saying nothing. Finally, he says "what? did you cheat on me or something?" I was so caught off guard that all I could say was "I'm so sorry" then burst into tears. He got sick and stormed out of the house. I followed him outside and tried to do anything I could - all to no avail. Weeks later, we went to marriage counseling and it helped for a while. We were happy in general and getting along fine. We pretty well worked it all out from what I could tell. We just recently moved out of the country for an overseas duty station. We have gotten settled into our house on base and are getting into the swing of the new country. He has said plenty of times before that he truly believes that I am sorry for what I have done. He knows that I am a different person. He knows that I love him now. However, (10 months after the confession) it seems like he is back to square one in regards to dealing with the confessions. He has been completely distant. He locks himself in the room with our desktop in it and I couldn't figure out why. The other day I came in here and asked him to use the computer to fix some things online. He said yes and left the room. I started fixing the problems and when I minimized his facebook page (so i could see the rest of the desktop screen), I saw a forum that he had been posting to recently. Now, he is telling everyone on this forum that he doesn't know if I am sorry and doesn't know if I love him. He is saying the only reason he is staying is for our child. He doesn't want to get divorced overseas because he knows I will fight it. Just on and on about all this stuff. He has told me before, time and time again, that he still loves me and wants to work things out and that he is not leaving. But all these people tell him to leave leave leave leave and leave. Recently, every time we have a stupid argument about something that is not even important in the grand scheme of things, he throws it all in my face. Now, I am the type of person that when you throw something in my face the first time, I may apologize. But if you do it time and time again, I just get numb to it and come back with some smart remark. "oh well." "sucks for you." "yep, thats right!" stuff like that. I really try not to do all that with this because I DO FEEL BAD ABOUT IT. I DO REGRET IT. But it is just driving me crazy! He literally gets all pissy about laundry not being done when HE thinks it should be done. Dishes not being done when HE thinks they should be done. Anything, no matter how petty, he is getting mad over and then making it into some big argument. NOW: we are stationed here for 3 years and I would really like to make the best of this opportunity (where he doesnt have to deploy) to fix things and get things as close to normal as we can. I just don't know what to do because it has been so long since any of this happened and even since I told him about it all. Any advice?
road Posted September 10, 2012 Posted September 10, 2012 What is old news is new news to your BH. Buy the book Surviving An Affair by Dr Harley. ASAP. Have you been 100% truthful answering your BH questions. Once all his questions have been answered the affair is not to be talked about any more. Niether one of you will heal by riping off the scab everyday. 1
Author sofedupwiththis Posted September 10, 2012 Author Posted September 10, 2012 so i realized when i re-read all this that there was one thing i forgot to type in there... i was drunk too. i doubt that it changes anything... but it is relevant.
Author sofedupwiththis Posted September 10, 2012 Author Posted September 10, 2012 yes we read that book. and i have told him everything that he wanted to know. even to the extent that he wrote it all down and i wrote down my answers to the questions. he is doing a LOT better since he just found out in the beginning but we still have our good days and bad days... although the bad days really do come few and far between.
Author sofedupwiththis Posted September 10, 2012 Author Posted September 10, 2012 i love how everyone just assumes that the house is my husbands... he hadnt EVER lived in that house... so please tell me how it is HIS house.. not to mention the fact that everything in the house was MINE from before we met... and i sincerely doubt you know me if you think that i dont understand the seriousness of everything. i was 20 years old... not 45 not 35 not even 30... there is a LOT of maturing to be done in a matter of 5, 10, and 15 years. i did not ask for anyone's opinion about my marriage, i was asking for any advice that could be helpful in "reconciling" the problem. obviously he still wants to work things out if he is still around after 10 months of knowing and living with both me and our child and uprooting us from the states to an overseas location. ontop of the fact that, from what our counselor told us, you can take an affair and it can either make or break the marriage... well it hasn't broken this one yet and in a way it has made us stronger. There is so much more information that I could add to this story but I tried to make it as short and sweet as possible... if ANYONE wants the other factors that tied into this story, please ask. to restate the question that i really want to know: is there any advice that someone could give US in how we could possibly make the best of the bad situation and make things better.
AlexCross Posted September 10, 2012 Posted September 10, 2012 i love how everyone just assumes that the house is my husbands... he hadnt EVER lived in that house... so please tell me how it is HIS house.. not to mention the fact that everything in the house was MINE from before we met... and i sincerely doubt you know me if you think that i dont understand the seriousness of everything. i was 20 years old... not 45 not 35 not even 30... there is a LOT of maturing to be done in a matter of 5, 10, and 15 years. i did not ask for anyone's opinion about my marriage, i was asking for any advice that could be helpful in "reconciling" the problem. obviously he still wants to work things out if he is still around after 10 months of knowing and living with both me and our child and uprooting us from the states to an overseas location. ontop of the fact that, from what our counselor told us, you can take an affair and it can either make or break the marriage... well it hasn't broken this one yet and in a way it has made us stronger. There is so much more information that I could add to this story but I tried to make it as short and sweet as possible... if ANYONE wants the other factors that tied into this story, please ask. to restate the question that i really want to know: is there any advice that someone could give US in how we could possibly make the best of the bad situation and make things better. Everything about your post is ME ME ME ME ME ME. You are selfish and you don't deserve to be married to your husband. You will most likely cheat again. Alcohol is no excuse. You are tainted and I am surprised your husband lost his dignity and decided to keep you around. I would of booted your ass to the curb a lot sooner. And to do it while he deployed defending our country? You cannot fix this. Your self absorbed and only care about you. Want to make it better, see how you feel and let him sleep with another woman. Lets see how you react. 2
TaraMaiden Posted September 10, 2012 Posted September 10, 2012 Trust Communication Respect. Those are the three mainstays, the structural pillars that hold a relationship aloft and make it special. Trust: How is that, between you guys? Communication: Has to be constructive and effective. Communication means talking WITH not talking to or at... Respect: Mutual. For one another, and for yourselves. There may be faults, and the balance of fault is never equal - but RESPONSIBILITY for the relationship, is. You are both 100% responsible for 50% each of the marriage. What was the very, very first thing to go 'wrong'? 2
yessy21 Posted September 10, 2012 Posted September 10, 2012 the house is both yours and his. your married. dont forget that. you cheated. he flirts. your marriage is pretty much over. you just dont know it. 2
Author sofedupwiththis Posted September 10, 2012 Author Posted September 10, 2012 yeah i know the house is both of ours and i have never claimed otherwise, other than the fact that everything in the house came from my family... but i never bring that to the forefront of any conversation except when people try to make it sound like everything is his, his, his. Yes, i cheated. Although it does end most marriages, it does not have to end all of them. and we have decided to not let our past mistakes ruin our future. if we wind up deciding that we can't do it anymore, then sobeit. it really wouldn't surprise either of us and we will just have to deal with it then. but right now we are trying to work everything out and just move on with life. time will tell i suppose. i am just trying to get advice on HOW to maybe help move forward TOGETHER. and this forum is obviously no help other than one person, which i thank.
TaraMaiden Posted September 10, 2012 Posted September 10, 2012 There is another married couple on here who have experienced, endured and overcome infidelity. Big time. Their relationship is very strong, and the respect for each other genuine, profound and continuous. Unfortunately, I happen to know they have just left for a fortnight's holiday!! But stick around. It's not all "doom and gloom", and much can be learned by sitting back and observing..... 1
Author sofedupwiththis Posted September 10, 2012 Author Posted September 10, 2012 Trust Communication Respect. Those are the three mainstays, the structural pillars that hold a relationship aloft and make it special. Trust: How is that, between you guys? Communication: Has to be constructive and effective. Communication means talking WITH not talking to or at... Respect: Mutual. For one another, and for yourselves. There may be faults, and the balance of fault is never equal - but RESPONSIBILITY for the relationship, is. You are both 100% responsible for 50% each of the marriage. What was the very, very first thing to go 'wrong'? Trust between us obviously has to be rebuilt from the bottom up, which we are working on now. Communication - actually has never been better. we are more open with each other now than ever before. Respect? hm.. we could obviously work on that. i'm thinking about... 75% of the time we have a mutual respect for on another... respect for ourselves individually - he doesnt seem to have any respect for himself but that is probably because of prior experiences (nothing to do with me because it was all before we met). We really are getting to the point that we can go do whatever and not question what the other says they are doing... there is a huge change of scenery being overseas so there is not constant reminders or triggers of what the other has done in the past, which is very very helpful. The only problem we have now is when we get into arguments, everything just comes back up like it just happened... and those things are not even what we started arguing about in the first place. usually these things are something ridiculous - like i said before, laundry.. dishes.. We try not to get into big arguments about stupid things like that but of course it happens sometimes.
GLDheart Posted September 10, 2012 Posted September 10, 2012 Patience. That is what you need. You are in an emotionally charged battle and are both hurt. Forget the petty battles. Talk about what really matters. Focus on the love. Have patience for his outburts. Good luck.
scatterd Posted September 10, 2012 Posted September 10, 2012 Counseling and time to heal does make a difference. You have to understand how hurt your husband and be an open book to him for as long as he needs. Be patient he needs to learn to trust you again. He will want to know what you are doing where, when and such. Love, compassion, and understanding will pull you both through this. Good Luck
TaraMaiden Posted September 10, 2012 Posted September 10, 2012 Trust between us obviously has to be rebuilt from the bottom up, which we are working on now. Communication - actually has never been better. we are more open with each other now than ever before. Open' doesn't necessarily mean the Communication is better, it just means you lie less... Effective communication means no argument turns into a competition, win/lose or lose/lose situation.... More of this in a moment.... Respect? hm.. we could obviously work on that. i'm thinking about... 75% of the time we have a mutual respect for on another... respect for ourselves individually - he doesnt seem to have any respect for himself but that is probably because of prior experiences (nothing to do with me because it was all before we met). Respect is basically treating another person the way you'd like to be treated. if you're going to be late, apologise. if you're an ass and you make a mistake, admit it and say sorry. Respect is putting the other person first. And it cuts both ways. Respect is another word for being considerate. Off the top of my head, how do you think you could support him in his achieving self-respect, even though events unfolded before you came on the scene? ..... The only problem we have now is when we get into arguments, everything just comes back up like it just happened... and those things are not even what we started arguing about in the first place. usually these things are something ridiculous - like i said before, laundry.. dishes.. We try not to get into big arguments about stupid things like that but of course it happens sometimes. do you have a good freind or relative who can be trusted to behave impartially? Without resorting to something particularly sensitive or hurtful (pick an imaginary non-controversial topic), investigate the "Speaker/Listener technique" and practice communication - with an arbiter present, the first few times, to help you through the gaps you are initially unaware of... It's an extremely good method, and very very effective..... The Speaker-Listener Technique offers couples an alternative mode of communication when issues are hot or sensitive, or when they are likely to get that way. It is important to ban problem solution attempts and have good discussions first! Agreed-upon rules for handling conflict can greatly facilitate your ability as a couple to handle conflict in a manner that protects intimacy and promotes growth in your relationship. Any conversation in which you want to enhance clarity and safety can benefit from this technique. When it comes to handling sensitive issues concerning money, sex, or in-laws for example, having the safety net that such a technique provides can be a real comfort. The advantages of using the Speaker-Listener Technique: It counteracts the destructive styles of communication -- The WINE signs -- Withdrawal, Invalidation, Negative interpretation and Escalation. It allows a couple to use structure to make it safe to communicate openly and clearly. When couples regularly use rules and techniques for dealing with the issues in their relationships, they develop an increased sense of confidence. Your communication is protected against destructive patterns, making possible clear and safe communication that can bring you closer together. RULES FOR THE SPEAKER: Speak for yourself. Use "I" statements and talk about your feelings. Don't go on and on. To help the Listener keep you statements brief and to the point. Stop and let the Listener paraphrase. Allow the Listener to say in their own words what they think they've heard. If the paraphrase was not quite accurate, politely restate what was not heard the way it was intended to be heard. Your goal is to help the Listener hear and understand your point of view. RULES FOR THE LISTENER: Paraphrase what you hear. Briefly repeat back what you heard the Speaker say using your own words if you like and make sure that you understand what was said. Focus on the Speaker's message. Don't rebut. In the Listener's role, you may not offer your opinion or thoughts. Wait until you are the Speaker to make your response. As the Listener, your job is to speak only in the service of understanding your partner. Use the LDD Method – Listen, Don’t Defend RULES FOR BOTH: The Speaker has the floor. Speaker keeps the floor while Listener paraphrases. Share the floor Use the LDD Method – Listen, Don’t Defend It helps if the speaker - while they 'hold the floor' - holds an object signifying that they are currently the main communicator. I would personally advise against a 14" machete or AK47.... just a rubber ball will do.... An arbiter, to begin with, will ensure the roles - and 'rules' are observed. A listener cannot respond or react to the speaker's message, until they hold the ball. All they can do is listen, acknowledge, paraphrase back the speaker's "lament" to communicate that they have truly understood and taken the problem in - and relay that back to the speaker, briefly. Once the speaker acknowledges that they have "been heard" to their satisfaction (the listener has to 'get it'), they hand the *ball* over to the listener - and the roles are reversed. The Listener then gets a chance to explain their side of things.....
Chi townD Posted September 10, 2012 Posted September 10, 2012 The only problem we have now is when we get into arguments, everything just comes back up like it just happened... and those things are not even what we started arguing about in the first place. usually these things are something ridiculous - like i said before, laundry.. dishes.. We try not to get into big arguments about stupid things like that but of course it happens sometimes. Yep, this is normal. He's on a ride called "the roller coaster of emotions". One minute he's laughing, then the next he's crying. One minute he's happy, then the next he's mad as hell. One minute he tells you he loves you, the next he tells you that he hates your guts. One minute he says that he cant imagine a life without you, the next minute he's talking divorce. This is absolutely normal. And this ride sucks and you don't know when it's going to end. Different strokes for different folks. But, here's the rub. You forced him on this ride. Are you strong enough to ride it out with him? You already know about the triggers because you wrote about them. But, even the most stupid and remote things can trigger him. So, you need to be aware of that. And you've probably already experienced hysterical bonding. Which is the two of you having a LOT of sex. Just, don't read it as his way of forgiving you. Hysterical bonding is nothing more than a subconsious, animalistic response to try and "reclaim" what he believes is his. So, don't read too much into that. If your a military family then you need to get the two of you to the Family Service Center. They offer free counseling there and I think it would benefit you greatly to go. If he doesn't want to go, then you go. You can learn a lot of things there to help you out. Okay, you are upset and frustrated. But, you were in the drivers seat whe you decided to break your vows. Now, he's in the drivers seat as far as where this relationship goes. You hurt in in the most painful way possible. You cut him to the core. Yeah, you can tell me that you realize this, but I've been cheated on and you can never know the depth of his pain. As a military guy, he's trained on how to keep his composure in stressful situations. So, you may not know how bad he's REALLY feeling because of his training. You need to be proactive. Your words mean nothing to him right now. He's going to notice your actions. If your read books on the subject on how to repair your marriage, he's going to see the books. He's going to see you going to your counseling appointments. He's going to notice a small things you do for him that you never really did before. Like leaving him a small note stating your affections towards him. Making him his favorite meal. Or treating him for a night out at his favorite restuarant. Telling him that you love him is important. But right now he needs to SEE that you love him. He needs to SEE that you are fighting for his love and for your marriage. If he needs to vent you let him vent. Remember this was your doing, so you need to take the lumps. But, there are going to be times where the old husband you married will come out. Enjoy those times when and if it happens. 1
Author sofedupwiththis Posted September 10, 2012 Author Posted September 10, 2012 here is a perfect example of the past week and a half or so: TODAY! All day today I cleaned the house up (with a toddler running around). I did 2 loads of laundry, washed dishes, swept, mopped, folded laundry and put it away, etc. I had dinner already done when he walked in the door. He went outside to mow the yard, I cleaned up the backyard of baby toys so that he did not have to. He put everything away and the first thing he does when he walks in the house... get on the computer. When we (the baby and me) come in the room, he flips out saying how we are "so f***ing annoying." I told him that dinner was done and everything. He tells me to go feed Benjamin - more like a command than a simple statement.. I said "well are you going to come in here with us?" and he just says "GO FEED BENJAMIN" - command, yet again. Well, he finally decides to come in there and i made him a plate and he ate... then right back to the computer. I came in the room again and he flips out! This is a daily thing for him now... come home from work, straight to the computer until bed. The first time that we came in the room while he was on the computer I had mentioned something about being really productive today and told him what all I had done... he goes "all you did was laundry, dishes, and mopped... big deal." I said - that is the attitude that I am always talking about. You always have that attitude when you come home. I try to be nice and he still finds something to get an attitude or complain about!
TaraMaiden Posted September 10, 2012 Posted September 10, 2012 What is he doing on the computer, exactly? Gaming?
Author sofedupwiththis Posted September 10, 2012 Author Posted September 10, 2012 Yep, this is normal. He's on a ride called "the roller coaster of emotions". One minute he's laughing, then the next he's crying. One minute he's happy, then the next he's mad as hell. One minute he tells you he loves you, the next he tells you that he hates your guts. One minute he says that he cant imagine a life without you, the next minute he's talking divorce. This is absolutely normal. And this ride sucks and you don't know when it's going to end. Different strokes for different folks. But, here's the rub. You forced him on this ride. Are you strong enough to ride it out with him? You already know about the triggers because you wrote about them. But, even the most stupid and remote things can trigger him. So, you need to be aware of that. And you've probably already experienced hysterical bonding. Which is the two of you having a LOT of sex. Just, don't read it as his way of forgiving you. Hysterical bonding is nothing more than a subconsious, animalistic response to try and "reclaim" what he believes is his. So, don't read too much into that. If your a military family then you need to get the two of you to the Family Service Center. They offer free counseling there and I think it would benefit you greatly to go. If he doesn't want to go, then you go. You can learn a lot of things there to help you out. Okay, you are upset and frustrated. But, you were in the drivers seat whe you decided to break your vows. Now, he's in the drivers seat as far as where this relationship goes. You hurt in in the most painful way possible. You cut him to the core. Yeah, you can tell me that you realize this, but I've been cheated on and you can never know the depth of his pain. As a military guy, he's trained on how to keep his composure in stressful situations. So, you may not know how bad he's REALLY feeling because of his training. You need to be proactive. Your words mean nothing to him right now. He's going to notice your actions. If your read books on the subject on how to repair your marriage, he's going to see the books. He's going to see you going to your counseling appointments. He's going to notice a small things you do for him that you never really did before. Like leaving him a small note stating your affections towards him. Making him his favorite meal. Or treating him for a night out at his favorite restuarant. Telling him that you love him is important. But right now he needs to SEE that you love him. He needs to SEE that you are fighting for his love and for your marriage. If he needs to vent you let him vent. Remember this was your doing, so you need to take the lumps. But, there are going to be times where the old husband you married will come out. Enjoy those times when and if it happens. I am very aware of the emotional roller coaster and i know i put him on it to begin with. and i am trying my hardest to ride it all out. but i guess what he doesnt quite get is that there is only so much a person can take- regardless of what they did. constantly attacking me over stupid stuff and turning it into ridiculousness doesnt fix anything. Oh, triggers. where do i begin. He has told me his train of thought before and in my opinion, its insane. i have flat out told him that i can take ANYTHING and make sure it goes back to that ONE thing. A diaper - oh we had benjamin while i was deployed to spain - that was my second deployment - my first deployment was to (wherever) - that's when she cheated on me. i mean it is that ridiculous, in my opinion. the couch - oh that couch is new - we bought it in spain - i was deployed to spain for my second deployment - on my first deployment she cheated. the car - we bought that car after i got back from my first deployment. (we have a new car now...) i mean its just a neverending cycle of "what can i link back to when she cheated" it seems like. we went to the counselors at our last duty station and the guy was trying to get him to understand what he did that made me feel that way which led to the affair. and he just doesnt get it. he constantly made me feel like sh*t. the counselor there said that while i may have had the affair, there were things that he (my husband) did that basically made me feel the way i felt that led to me doing that. and he just cant seem to grasp that by NOT changing those things - which made me feel that way - it leaves it open for that to possibly happen again... which i would hope that it doesnt. And really in the end, i cant say that it would never happen again because nobody can tell the future. NO, i am not going to go looking for it. but if the circumstances fell just so - who knows what would happen. I don't want that to be miscontrued in any way. it basically boils down to this - you dont know what you will do given whatever situation. i think something that everyone here needs to understand is that we were 19 and 20 years old when we got married. I don't care who you are - i would hope that at 23 and 24 you are not acting in the same way that you acted when you were 19 and 20. people change. he even admitted himself that he knows i have changed and i am not the same person that i was. he even said that i have changed for the better. however, i feel that he has changed for the worse. he wants the "Dick van Dyke" wife - which i am definitely not, never was, and never will be - but he can't even be "Dick van Dyke." He is irresponsible beyond belief with money, doesn't act like he even cares about our child 95% of the time, etc. I just don't understand it.
Author sofedupwiththis Posted September 10, 2012 Author Posted September 10, 2012 What is he doing on the computer, exactly? Gaming? well usually it is facebook and theChive. but the other day i asked to get on the computer and he let me use it and he was on some forum similar to this but from the other perspective. he never told me about this before so this was a shock to me. i ran across it on a fluke because i was just minimizing windows and saw it. i read a few of the lines and then just went back to what i was doing. he got all mad when he came in and saw it. it wasnt like there was anything new to me on there... he had already told me all the stuff that was there in regards to what he wrote. Facebook... i definitely don't trust him on it because while he was deployed the first time he was having completely inappropriate conversations with other women and didnt see anything wrong with it all. then he was asking for nude pictures. THEN whenever he got home and i would go to see my family (only a 6 hour drive) one of my "friends" would call him and want to go out for a drink or dinner or whatever. and he would go (which usually wouldnt be a big deal to me) but he would keep it a secret! the only way i would find out would be MONTHS later or when one of my other friends would mention something that i didnt know about.
TaraMaiden Posted September 10, 2012 Posted September 10, 2012 This is the trust issue, isn't it? Crap. I actually have no idea what to advise. Except that maybe a third party needs to make it clear to him that if he wants and expects transparency from you, he has to reciprocate. Trust, communication and respect are two-way streets.... Sorry.... are you two still in counselling at all?
Author sofedupwiththis Posted September 10, 2012 Author Posted September 10, 2012 not to mention that he always has his back to the wall with the computer in front of him - not like i set it up... so i cant really see what he is doing because every time i walk in the room he clicks out of whatever he was on and turns to facebook. and sometimes when i look at his facebook (from mine) there are things on there like zoosk and other dating apps that kind of make me wonder what he is doing on there but i never ask him... i have asked him ONE time about it and what does he do - throw the affair back in my face... so i just dont even bother with that anymore.
Author sofedupwiththis Posted September 10, 2012 Author Posted September 10, 2012 This is the trust issue, isn't it? Crap. I actually have no idea what to advise. Except that maybe a third party needs to make it clear to him that if he wants and expects transparency from you, he has to reciprocate. Trust, communication and respect are two-way streets.... Sorry.... are you two still in counselling at all? well the whole reciprocation thing he just doesnt understand because he wants me to be one way, but he wants to be the opposite. i'm supposed to bend over backwards to prove to him how sorry i am for what i did (which i did at first) but he NEVER did the same after betraying me in the fashion of putting his hands on my two times and basically having emotional affairs with these other women. I flat out asked him whether he wanted to spend time with them or with me... and he said THEM - that was even before i told him about what i had done. no we arent in counseling anymore because we just moved and are still getting settled in so there really isnt a lot of free time for him with work and everything. after our stuff gets here and we are good and settled in, i think it would be great for us to go back.
TaraMaiden Posted September 10, 2012 Posted September 10, 2012 I repeat my question - actually, a recommendation now. You need counselling, because as I said, fault/blame may be attributable, but he has to take responsibility for his side of things too....
Author sofedupwiththis Posted September 10, 2012 Author Posted September 10, 2012 i really wouldnt have as much of a problem with him if he would just ONE day be nice or appreciate what i try to do here whilst running around after a toddler. but it seems like i can NEVER do anything right or NEVER do enough. I have spent almost ALL our marriage doing things for him and since Benjamin has been born, for my son. While he was deployed the first time, I moved in with my family instead of living on my own - partly because i didnt want to be alone - but i was able to pay off the massive amount of debt that he owed from before we were married. did i get any kind of thanks for that? no. I deal with all the finances and try to make sure that he (my husband) gets everything that he wants - 1967 mustang, brand new dodge ram 1500, a house. everything. and i dont get any thanks for that. I worked and gave him all of the money that I worked for so that he could do things to all the cars that he had - fix the mustang, trick out the scion xB that i had before we got a camry for me. i never spend any money on me because i feel like i have enough and i am happy and i would much rather let him do something he wants or get a toy for my baby. Yes, since we have been married I have bought one dress (first deployment) and some clothes since all of mine were getting trashed. We decided, together, to get me the camry because it was bigger than the scion. I do get my hair dyed every now and again but not as often as i used to. I try so hard to make the finances work around EVERYTHING that he wants to do and he doesnt care. I try so hard to get things done around the house and run around after a toddler. and he comes in the door and trashes it. All i would like is some appreciation. I am basically to the point that if he wants appreciation - or anything for that matter - from me... then he needs to figure out how to show the same, do the same towards me. Yes, that might be selfish and self-absorbed of me. but after dealing with all of that for years, i am about to crack here.
Author sofedupwiththis Posted September 10, 2012 Author Posted September 10, 2012 I repeat my question - actually, a recommendation now. You need counselling, because as I said, fault/blame may be attributable, but he has to take responsibility for his side of things too.... well the problem is that he doesnt take responsibility for anything he does. i dont know how to fix that.
Recommended Posts