How do I get my long-distance boyfriend jealous?

[Nina]

Hi Guys!

 

I have a great boyfriend, great chemisty between us, his family loves me, but right now we are apart from each other.

 

He is a typical male in the sense that he doesn't like writing. I am a typical female in the sense that I like writing and calling.

 

He lacks confidence in himself because he is doesn't know how to write very well (more mechanically inclinded), comes from a poorer immigrant getto and can't believe that someone like me would be so interested in him. Most of his worries and energy are spent on just surviving (making enough money to help his disabled mother).

 

He was sure I would have found another man by now (haven't seen him for two months)and was really touched that I called him after a long period of no contact on his birthday (he was amazed I remembered it). He asked me to forgive him for not writing or calling because he had been sent to Brazil on a moment's notice last month on a work mission. I told him it wasn't so difficult to pick up a pen and paper or just make one call to tell me that he had to leave instead of finding out from his mother.

 

I realize that this man probably just isn't used to being in a relationship like this and can't see very far ahead due to his own cultural limitations. (I have been in many long distance relationships before with people who were used to them, but this one is different)

 

Besides advising me to forget about this for the moment until I see him again, is there anything you can suggest that I could do to make him a bit jealous or worried?

[Taressa]

Dear Nina,

 

Love is too wonderful a thing to play such an ugly game as jealousy. If you want to draw him to you, draw him with the loveliness and strength of you. Your happiness and self-assurance will be the things he desires to share.

 

So gather your friends around you. Not only will they help you through the lonely time without him but they will also be a foundation to help you wisely through any decisions this relationship may bring in the future.

 

Be careful with your heart, Nina, until he shows you are important to him by taking initiative to pursue the relationship too.

[Tony T]

You make it sound like he had pretty well written you off, but you feel you still have a relationship. You guys have excellent communication skills.

 

Hey, they guy feels bad enough now, lacks confidence, was sure you had found someone better, is scraping fiancially to survive, can't write very well, is embarassed for not having contacted you, is overall depressed...and you want to make him jealous or worried to boot.

 

I won't help you here, babe. This guy needs some support, not a chick who wants to make him feel worse than he already does.

[Mitch]

Besides advising me to forget about this

for the moment until I see him again, is there anything you can suggest that I could do to make him a bit jealous or worried?

What the *hell* are you saying?

 

Listen to yourself.

 

The others hit this one on the head.

 

Now if you want to convince him to write you, that's another thing. This isn't the way to go about it.

 

Talk to him more about the whole letter, "hearing from his mother" thing. If he can't write to you when he knows it's important to you, do you really care if he writes when he's jealous instead!

 

I absolutely abhore any hint of game playing because I think better than 9 times out of 10 it turns into a mega waste of everyones time.

 

This stuff is hard enough as it is.

[Nina]

I don't really want to make him jealous. I guess I just would like him to write me, but I know that pushing someone to do this doesn't work. He is exhausted enough by everyday problems and he might not have the energy. I understand this, but even if he just wrote one sentence on a post-card I would be so thrilled.

 

Maybe I'm taking this too personally. How then, do I let him know how important these things are too me without souding pushy or demanding?

[Mitch]

Maybe I'm taking this too personally. How then, do I let him know how important these things are too me without souding pushy or demanding?

I suspected this was maybe the case.

 

Hmmmm... how does he communicate with his mom when he's away? Or does he? This would be useful to know.

 

If it's by letter then maybe there's a way of linking things..

 

If not, well, if I were in your shoes I'd give him some postcards to take on his next trip. Consider giving him almost no space to write in.

 

I suppose the risk here (if that's the word) is him feeling coerced into doing it. Because I know when I feel coerced into doing something I've been known to go to great lengths to avoid it.

 

When he gets back, give him a big hug and talk about it.

 

Don't talk about this when you're mad about it or that will almost definitely lead to the trouble you described above.

 

Also, and this is a big one, assume that there are a number of seemingly strange reasons why he wouldn't write that have nothing to do with you, me, the price of eggs, or anything like that and REALLY listen to him. Be able to summarize what he says, repeat it to him, and if he agrees, you know you've listened. Because it genuinely could be something out of left field.

 

Make sense?

[Tony T]

Well, your request here was a lot more sensitively put. Yes, it would be nice to get a card with one line on it. But, remember, that is an expectation or somewhat of a demand and those aren't good for relationships. It would be very nice to get cards or other communication from him, but it is highly irrational to make that demand. We will approach it that way.

 

So what you would really love is to get cards. The next time you are with him, sit with him, provide him with a few cards, and help him start some of the cards with a sentence or so. Then have him take the cards with him with the understanding that he will add his own sentence when the two of you are apart and then mail them. Be sure they are pre-stamped. This is an exagerated way of showing him just how important it is for you to receive cards or notes from him.

 

If you don't get cards then, you never will so just give up and judge this relationship based on the fact that you simply will get no cards. But I think if you go through this exercise, he will write if he has a morsel of brains.

 

You also might give him a pre-paid phone card and let him know it must be used to call YOU only and it expires in 30 days. See if that helps.

 

There are just only so many things you can do before you have to give up.

[heartache]

Hi Guys! I have a great boyfriend, great chemisty between us, his family loves me, but right now we are apart from each other. He is a typical male in the sense that he doesn't like writing. I am a typical female in the sense that I like writing and calling. He lacks confidence in himself because he is doesn't know how to write very well (more mechanically inclinded), comes from a poorer immigrant getto and can't believe that someone like me would be so interested in him. Most of his worries and energy are spent on just surviving (making enough money to help his disabled mother). He was sure I would have found another man by now (haven't seen him for two months)and was really touched that I called him after a long period of no contact on his birthday (he was amazed I remembered it). He asked me to forgive him for not writing or calling because he had been sent to Brazil on a moment's notice last month on a work mission. I told him it wasn't so difficult to pick up a pen and paper or just make one call to tell me that he had to leave instead of finding out from his mother. I realize that this man probably just isn't used to being in a relationship like this and can't see very far ahead due to his own cultural limitations. (I have been in many long distance relationships before with people who were used to them, but this one is different) Besides advising me to forget about this for the moment until I see him again, is there anything you can suggest that I could do to make him a bit jealous or worried?

Nina,

 

have you gone a little crazy,

 

how do you think he feels in Brazil away from you?

 

it has come to my notice over the years, that guys do not like to write , even the CEO's have assistants to write for them, when they do not have to do it them selves.

 

he probably misses you very much, do not make a good thing bad by pushing, just write to him or call what ever you can.

 

if it helps keep a little love lite journal, and have a written imaginary conversation with him, especially when tempted to try to get him worried or jealous. He will back off even more if you do those things.

 

let him survive in his "cave" of survival while away from you and be supportive don't go trying to drag him out.

 

You don't know how lucky you are if your relationship is what you say it is, long distance or not.

 

hang in there and don't do anything rash.

 

Heartache.